I, uh, can absolutely see the site ain't exactly friendly to people like me. And it doesn't help that, honestly, I'm still very fucking uncomfortable being on here due to That Thing That Happened back on April 1st. I wish I could just up and leave like my fellows are considering or have done, but where the fuck would I even go?
Like, yeah, sure, we have a site. And a discord. And a baraag. But where the fuck would I go that's gonna be great for artists to post whatever and won't just die every other day, I guess. One that's free from the Right's bullshit.
Because all I see is the Fascist Right stomping in and taking away my rights for what, exactly? Or this trend of everyone but especially them and corporations torch the rights of free expression for what, exactly? And the Right murdering what little economy even exists, for what, exactly? I see people I should trust be surprisingly hostile to people like me and Amey and it's depressing, and for what, exactly?
Makes it really hard to justify living, if I'm gonna be real honest. And this shit is so hard to talk about because I've already been institutionalized twice over these feelings. I don't want that to happen again.
Don't know why I even fucking bother to even make this journal. I'm just always gonna be trapped in a spiral of abuse from people with power, and money, and authority over me, it's a demotivating rat-race of shit. And it makes me always feel like a fucking strain on everyone. And it always feels like nothing matters anymore. Is this what giving up on anything getting better feels like?
I could just conform. Be a good little autonomous drone for the big guys in power. I wouldn't be true to myself and I'd probably die on the job anyway, knowing my mental state and my unhealthily strong work ethic.
This became a fucking ramble. This got away from me.
I just want to say I'm probably not leaving; I can't. This is my job and tbf I don't interact with most people on here. But I don't trust a lot of people on here, particularly the admins who are permissive to fascists and AI bros. I don't trust a lot of people I regularly interact with who either blindsight me with how they can be vindictive towards LGBTQ+ people, or are extremely dismissive of my feelings under massive distress.
I might expand or something. Go elsewhere too, I guess? I guess I don't want to be tethered to just two fucking places and a handful of Discord servers I can't invite Amey to because I don't know if it'd be welcoming to them and their needs and otherwise make either or both of us feel like fucking outsiders.
Sorry for wasting your time with this mess of a journal.
Also, addendum, but man I gotta stop making fanart of characters only me and two other people have heard of.
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1 week, 3 days ago
05 Apr 2025 07:52 CEST
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