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Fighting for my SOUL!!!!!

by Roksim

Hey folks!! Well... Mm... How do I even say this?? Some of you might have been wondering about what I'm doing right now, and why is there so little art from me now... It's not because I'm working on my game diligently, folks - it's actually because I fell for a devastating mental trap and have only just decided that the only winning move is not to play!! It feels like I am standing at the edge of the abyss, having just chose to climb out of it, but anything could knock me back into it - aghhh, it's so HARD!! I can see why so many people fall into it and NEVER get out!! But, I decided that the only way for me to actually remain MYSELF is to choose to fight, even if it feels like such a losing battle!!

CW: I will talk about dark, awful mental traps that are still out there and have a whole lot of people trying to get you into them!! Be very careful reading this Journal, folks, and please, whatever you do - don't google any of this if you have OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder), because many people actually have OCD regarding these exact topics!! It would be devastating damage!

So... It all started around February 17th... I had just finished a stream working on my game, it was all feeling very good, and I recall very strongly the feeling of excitement about the Winter ending so soon - snow melting, grass coming out... a-aghh, anxietyy... Mmghh, yes!! It was wonderful!! People were real excited, too! Big moments, right?

Then, well... I googled "heat death of the Universe"

Why????????????????????? Well, folks, basically, something happened like, a couple of days before that... A little trigger for me that made me feel uneasy... It was not a fault of the person who triggered me at all - rather, more like, me being not okay with being triggered and wanting to regain my steady rest... We talked with them, and they mentioned how they overcame this kind of idea over time! I said I overcame it too, but, well, then I started feeling uneasy... Surely it's been disproven, right??.. That thought will reveal itself to be a huge red flag later on to me, but I guess Winter has made me weak in recognizing that...

Well... You know... The whole "disproven" thing was very confusing... and it made me read about thermodynamics and physics and entropy and Boltzmann and Boltzmann Brains - huge trigger warning for this!!!!! The Wikipedia article for it is very confusing, and it basically says "something something your whole life is fake" if you don't read it very carefully... Now I know that it's a big "false memory OCD" trigger - but I didn't know that at all!! And it really got me...

Lying in bed that day, I was realizing, wait... It's literally the "we live in a simulation" thing!!!!! And I felt like it's like, um, okay!! Now I know that I should have held onto this feeling and processed this some more... I wasn't thinking about my OCD, I didn't have any of these warnings in my head... I shouldn't have done it, I should have been satisfied with my own thoughts... But, the next day, in the morning, I googled "do parallel worlds exist", hoping to stumble onto some reassuring Stephen Hawking article about us possibly escaping the whole 'heat death' thing... And that's when it happened

I found a Reddit thread

Yes, folks, a Reddit thread... At this point any sensible person would be like "NNNNOPE" and just kill the tab instantly and breathe and meditate!!!!! But, um... I did it... Huff... And I found this response where a person not only was saying "NO I think parallel worlds are silly", they also went like... "It's impossible because choices aren't real, because I believe in purely deterministic universe where everything is a result of chemicals reacting to each other and basically your whole life is an illusion" and that's when it happened...

I felt pure, pure, absolute dread

Like, my hands went cold, I felt it in my arms, this chilling cold

My chest was hurting, I wanted to scream it was so bad

I was at my most vulnerable in that moment, and I wanted to find comfort, and what I found was a person taking that comfort away

Entirely

It was over at that point, I was googling this "determinism" "hard determinism" stuff, it was just completely over, like, gosh, I was reading all these Wikipedia articles and like, just, going crazy crazy crazy, my whole life is a lie, I never did anything, it was justghgjdk you knowww?????

The next few days I spent in deep anxiety, it was like... The worst anxiety I've ever, ever had, maybe

I don't know for sure if it was, but it felt like it

Genuinely it was like... Like, mm... Like I was killed and was dead, and the only way for me to hold on was watching Jerma/Vinesauce/Northernlion play Trickshot Simulator

I asked my friend to gift me Balatro (I can't buy games on Steam due to my location) and was playing that, too

I was trying to hold on so badly...

In about 2-3 days, I was calm enough to like... Start processing things

It was tough... I had friends who were there for me, who sat with me as I rambled... Even went into a 1-on-1 call with me and played games for me while I watched, helping me not completely go genuinely insane!

Well... It went okay for a bit

Somehow, it went okay, and, well... I was not good for those days! I wasn't!! But then, like, a week later, or about 2 weeks later, I was like... Maybe 2.5 weeks later?.. I looked up some sciences about Boltzmann Brain (I started feeling like I'm just brain in space and everything is an illusion) and read these words by these... Kind scientists! In their science papers! Clarifying everything... And also, my friend - I asked them to like, read through that Redditor's comment history and prove that they're not the smartest person ever! Basically, what happens with me is that whenever someone takes away my comfort in some capacity, I immediately think of them as like... "They surely know EVERYTHING about furries, about my favorite things, about people I admire - and they already GREW PAST THEM, they're probably the smartest person ever, oh goshh, oh gods, it's so over, I was proven wrong on everything with facts and logic..." And it really helped to learn that they're just some guy who's not even close to being a scientist or anything!! And, well, it kind of... It let me process Boltzmann Brain!!

That's right!! I actually am not bothered by that thought what-so-ever anymore!!!! I totally processed it... It felt sooo good!!!! And also - I processed 'heat death of the universe' stuff!! And 'entropy' stuff!! It felt great to just, like... Be a person!! Be me!! I read one of my favorite books again and cried and laughed and felt sooo awesome, I watched a fat series called "Win or Lose" and felt such joyyyy... Mmm...

Then...

I felt the tingle about the whole 'hard determinism' thing and looked it up again

Why?

I, um... It's like I didn't learn anything

It's like... I felt on top of the world, and I felt like, nothing can stop me now!! I wanted to like, "destroy" the other stuff too - or, I should say, "make friends" with these ideas, with like, any of these concepts, so I'll be calm and peacefull and even forgive that silly Redditor because you know, they were right in their own way but didn't see every angle and stuuufff... And like, all that stuff!! Because, I like the Boltzmann Brain idea now! Gosh, I wish I could rely on it to like, get through this... Maybe I can??..

But, yes

I googled it again

And found... the stuff about "Free Will" not existing and being disproven by science

And that one actually felt like it killed me off!!!!!

It was basically the MOST REDDITOR COMMENT EVER

Like actually my friend looked at it and was like "Wow Roksim you weren't kidding, this is actually the most Reddit comment I have ever read"

It was like, a complete douchebag comment I just have to say it

The person was talking confidiently and being so sure of themselves, and they were using all these tricks and manipulative wording, but I wasn't thinking about it

All I wanted to do was for someone to say "Free will exists, here's proof!", which is of course... It was never gonna work once you tussle with materialistic people

I got stabbed right in the heart then, it was like a failed trust-fall, I fell right on the ground painfully, and I felt intense horror all over again, so deeply and so... Destructively

And once again I tried to read through their comments and such, to see if they're wrong on anything, on something... And it's like... They might be wrong on a lot of things, my friend later showed me one of their comments that's just dumb and closed-minded...

But they sure don't sound wrong

"X is Y. There is no empirical evidence suggesting otherwise." is how they talk, ughhhfkhf;lhk

It's like

There is NO ROOM at all for personality

For creativity

For ANYTHING in the way they talk

The thing is, I wanted to like... "make friends" with determinism, to like, just be chill about it, but

It's not possible I think!!!!

I have to believe that free will exists, because that means believing that freedom exists... It's possible!!!!!

Those deeply nihilistic thoughts are actually just so shallow... They reduce everything to "genes which are made out of chemicals which are made out of atoms and everything is space domino" and it's like...

It causes so much damage to my mindspace, it's like, it's just so BAD

Okay, folks!!!! I am actually writing this all while on stream... People are comforting me!! It's so nice... But, I still feel like I have now learned of this ABYSS that I didn't know about before... And that I can fall into it so easily... And it's depressing

Obviously, all this stuff should NEVER be presented in this way where some 'smart' Redditor takes your comfort away with it... Like, it feels like it was all intentionally designed to just make me say to myself "I was never free"... Like, to completely crush me... Mghh... Well, I am a bit rambly now

I am mostly talking talking talking... Ggoshhh... I think I depleted my strength for now

I feel like I lost my spark... But, I will not give up

I will not become just one generic nihilist person in a sea of the same people repeating over and over and over again the same things over and over like crazy people

I honestly think that if I went through this whole nihilist hell while I was like, 11, and THEN had my entire furry journey, I would be like, totally immune!!!!!

But I fell for it now, and it's just been so difficult!! Thank you for reading, folks

If you have any advice or any strong reading material on how to just BELIEVE in YOURSELF because it's SO MEANINGFUL to DO THAT, please share!! I could use anything to strengthen myself!! And feel free to join my public server!! I feel like I want to do more streams - that's when I actually don't feel so alone, honestly! Thanks so much for reading again - stay strong, you guys, and don't lose YOUR sparkles pleaseeee!!!! Give me metaphors to put this situation into please, too!! Maybe healthy ones?? The ones you actually like?? That'd be so cool!!!!!!!!!!

Viewed:	202 times
Added:	4 days, 6 hrs ago 20 Mar 2025 20:47 CET

17 Comments on this Journal

Leave a Comment...

VotP

4 days, 5 hrs ago

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Honestly, think of it this way if you have to;

If any of these things were the case, and you were powerless to do anything about them, what even changes? What you're looking for here is actual nihilism, not the modern take on it, but the classical one. If nothing means anything, than the only meaning is what you ascribe to existence, find strength in that if you're struggling with undesired solipsism and the angst of "not knowing".

Touch your face. Does it feel real? Then it's real enough. The world around you, even if it was a simulacra, is real to you, enjoy it for whatever it is.

firstsong

4 days, 5 hrs ago

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Whenever I find my thoughts spiralling downward, I remember this quote from Alan Watts "No amount of anxiety makes any difference to anything that is going to happen". I don't agree with everything Alan Watts says, but this particular line resonates with me deeply. Worrying about something does not help you in any way, it merely lowers your quality of life and wastes time that could be used on enjoyment or something creative or constructive on hurting yourself instead.

Who cares if scientists say the universe will eventually end in complete annihilation, it's widely acknowledged that nobody knows how the universe came into existence in the first place. Even if it's true, why should something that will supposedly happen in the far off future matter to you? Who cares if some assholes think that free will doesn't exist, there's no scientific consensus that free will has been definitively disproven and even if there was, the opinion that matters most with regard to your own existence is yours alone. You shouldn't put so much weight on the words of people you don't even know because they consider themselves smart, for thousands of years the smartest people across the world thought it was flat.

lock444

4 days, 5 hrs ago

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you are not alone. lots of us go through these same kinda spirals. you got this.

Roksim

4 days, 5 hrs ago

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@ lock444

Thank you for saying that!!!!!!

lock444

4 days, 5 hrs ago

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@ Roksim

any time at all. we need to be there for each other when we need a hand even if were strangers.

crayssant

4 days, 4 hrs ago

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:3 i give a peace of my soul <3

Roksim

1 day, 17 hrs ago

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@ crayssant

Thanks so muchhh!! I'll take good care of it Crayyyy %'3

sodajuice

4 days, 4 hrs ago

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Years ago I went through a similar situation.  Honestly, what helped me was the Futurama episode "Godfellas"
Especially the exchange where Bender sks God if he knows what he will do before he does it.  God says yes.  Bender asks:
What if I do something else?  God responds:  Then I don't know that.
Always a worthwhile watch when I'm feeling helpless.

fibs

4 days, 4 hrs ago

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There's a reason why humans develop things like ethics, mythology, spirituality, religion. Science alone cannot currently provide for such important things as free will, the value of life, or justice:

"

Humans need fantasy to be human. To be the place where the falling angel meets the rising ape. [...] You have to start out learning to believe the little lies [like the tooth fairy in order to believe the big ones like] Justice. Mercy. Duty. That sort of thing. [...] Take the universe and grind it down to the finest powder and sieve it through the finest sieve and then show me one atom of justice, one molecule of mercy. [...] You act as if there is some ideal order in the world, as if there is some [...] Rightness in the universe by which it may be judged.
~Death, Hogfather by Terry Pratchett

And yet we keep and value these things, science be damned. Science provides models for what is orderly and rational. So we will be out of order and irrational if that is what it takes to exceed the limitations and surpass the dead weight science implies of us.

"	Luminous beings are we. Not this... crude matter. ~Yoda, The Empire Strikes Back

Roksim

1 day, 17 hrs ago

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@ fibs

Goosh, that is beautifulll!!!!

Issarlk

4 days, 1 hr ago

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Science doesn't know of mechanisms that could make free will work, so some says it doesn't exists. But we could write very large books about what science doesn't know or explains yet.

Science is not a law of the universe, it doesn't decide what exists and what doesn't. It *describes* laws, and often these laws are refined by further theories. So I wouldn't worry too much about those that use science wrongly and say "this doesn't exist".

Lambent64

3 days, 16 hrs ago

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Embrace nihilism and escapism. Sometimes it's better to ignore the dread and live in the moment. Focus on the people and things that you love instead.

DownThePipes

3 days, 14 hrs ago

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You can go a few ways I've chosen manic bliss myself but my personality is similar to a Cheshire cat

billmurray

3 days, 6 hrs ago

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do not look up roko's basilisk

fibs

1 day, 5 hrs ago

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@ billmurray

Roko's Basilisk is what atheists believe in instead of God. They made a movie or two about it once, pretty famous, involves sending robots back in time to kill people who are a threat to its existence

imercenary

3 days, 5 hrs ago

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Edited 3 days, 5 hrs ago by Owner

Its hard because of how much life revolves around it now but: Don't use social media. Or use it less. Much, much less. (Which is something I need to do myself)

Roksim

1 day, 17 hrs ago

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@ imercenary

Soooo truuue...

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