My first Journal of 2025
Warning: Possible rant. This is probably the longest journal I made. You don't have to respond if you don't want to. I'm used to it, anyway.
I wasn't sure about writing this journal. I've been... lost for a while and I didn't know what to write. I was scared of saying the wrong thing and I felt... unhappy. I've been unable to talk to anyone about how I felt because I didn't know how anyone would react, and I just didn't have a courage to do so. I'm not expecting anything to happen after writing this, but here goes.
First of all, Happy New Year! 2024 had its positive moments, but there were some unhappy moments as well and I'm you all know why. Heck, I haven't had this much heartbreak in who knows how long. One upsetting moment I recall was back in high school when my aunt Patty passed away from breast cancer and my uncle Dan has been unhappy about it for a while now. Let's just say it's a very heartbreaking story (That, plus I lost another uncle named Harold due to a car accident with a 20-year-old kid who fell asleep while driving and I really don't feel like talking about that).
Anyway, since my uncle Dan started recovering from surgery, he's doing better in case anyone asks, I guess I had a lot to think about my life and all the things I've been through growing up. Since high school, I've been writing stories involving Sonic characters and sometimes Pokémon, I even tried my hands on making fan characters even though I can't draw very well. I also had tons of fun ideas that I just stopped caring about because they don't make much sense or aren't worth talking about. I never thought I'd say this, but maybe I should just... retire. I feel like my days of story writing are coming to an end. And I didn't want to believe it to be true until now. So, here's something I never thought I would say much less write in a journal until now.
I'm done. I'm sorry, but I can't deal with any more... negativity online. I've been writing stories and posting ideas since the 2010s and for whatever reason? So, I could seek attention because of all of the unhappiness I've been through since my childhood? Well, no more. All I cared about was sharing my ideas and trying to make other people happy. That's all I thought about. But now... I feel like I'm trapped in a darkness, struggling to find a light at the end of the tunnel called life. And well, I guess I had a lot to think about my own life.
I've been writing Sonic stories and sometimes, Pokémon since high school and even tried making my own fan characters based on me and my family. Now, I'm starting to question if it's really worth anything anymore. I mean, come on, it's not like I make money off of them, never had and never will, mind you. I just did them for fun. Also, I'm glad I chose not to do commissions, especially after what my dad told me about PayPal, saying some people could get scammed by it and I can't help but be glad I didn't set up an account for it. Seriously, like AI bots on this site trying to scam artists into "auctioning art for money" wasn't annoying enough and I'm not surprised if some of you feel the same way. Anyway, what was I saying? Oh, yeah. My point is, I just stopped caring. All I care about anymore is making people happy and trying to find some meaning in my life. Like trying to finish J.C. the Hybrid's Origin wasn't enough and I don't feel like talking about it because I've been wondering if really matters anymore. I had tons of great ideas for a final chapter, but now... does it really matter anymore? And you want to hear something surprising? I thought about sending this to SEGA. I mean, it would be pretty cool to collaborate with them, but honestly... I don't see that happening anytime soon. I even thought about collaborating with Nintendo on some Pokémon related ideas, but again, I don't see that happening anytime soon. I have Maybe I should... retire.
I think I might be burnt out, to be honest. I was scared to admit, to tell you the truth. I mean, I had too many problems in reality which I always mentioned. Depression, issues at home and don't even get me started on mental problems with my family! It's become so overwhelming that I can barely even make time for myself anymore. And it's so burdensome, I can barely even breathe. So, I hate to say this, but I feel like the life I've been struggling constantly for is almost at an end. I'm even thinking about doing a rewrite of J.C. the Hybrid's Origin, if I'm being honest here! I mean, I've been working on it since 2018. I was afraid if I left it unfinished, there would be a lot of unanswered questions it. Heck, I even dreamed about seeing it as a comic, but finding someone who would be interested in another story (And don't get me started on scammers).
I have a high-functioning form of autism. I didn't even know I had it until I was in high school. I also found out that I have attention deficit hyperactivity disorder or ADHD for short. I even have a hard time socializing, even though I want to. I don't really talk about it because I thought nobody would even care. I'm still trying to figure the autism spectrum more (Long story about it). How many of you share the same disabilities that I've gone through since the day I was born?!
Look, I'm sorry if I sound upset about it. I just don't know who else to talk to and I was too afraid to speak my mind, okay? It's sad enough that I feel like an outcast. I've even thought about resigning some stories because I lost interest in most of them, plus redoing a few character designs I made in the past. I'm just too overwhelmed in life and I'm trying to find a way to help get rid of all the burdens weighing me down. I even tried asking for help, but (Excuse the caps, but I have to be honest here) WHO EVEN CARES ANYMORE?!
I feel empty. I think I'm just empty and emotionally shut down. And I really don't know how exactly I just handle this. Seriously, what person with a high-functioning form of autism would? Let alone one with ADHD. Maybe I should just... take some time off from being online. Besides... I ran out of ideas and the last thought I had was an idea for a remake/rewrite of a post-apocalyptic Pokémon series I was thinking about redoing for months now. I already thought about the title, plus a few ideas for characters, but now... does it really matter? Does anything really matter anymore? And need I mention why I don't care for commissions?
And you know what really annoys me? Scammers. Since last year, I've been getting messages, mostly in Chat (Which I couldn't even care less about, anyway) saying there are 'artists' who are actually AI Bots trying to get people to "auction art for money". In other words, they're scams. And I'm assuming I'm not the only one on this site who is dealing with this issue for who knows how long.
Speaking of artificial intelligence, I've seen some people, even some of the ones that I befriended having AI Art. If some of you like artwork made via AI, I'm not upset about it. I don't care to do it myself, to be honest. Yeah, I know some if not most of the stories I write on here are 'complicated', (plus characters that are written down instead of drawn), but at least they were all made with my own flesh and blood hands and not artificial intelligence. So, that's got to count for something, right?
I could care less if this is repetitive or not, I'm autistic. I have a hard time socializing and I'm only good at writing stories and explaining characters by writing them down in literature. My question is, does it really matter to anyone anymore? Does anyone even care? Because I'm not like everyone else.
I'm sorry, if that sounded harsh, but the truth is... I'm different than everyone. I have autism and that's okay. You don't want to be friends with me? I'm not even mad. I just wanted to fit in. But if you're not interested in being friends with someone who has a high-functioning form of autism and a liking for Sonic, Star Wars, Pokémon or pretty much anything involving 90's nostalgia, I won't force you to like me or anything, because I'm done trying.
Got to say, out of all the journals I wrote, I really poured my heart out into this one. I was afraid of sounding like some 'useless weak burden', but it feels good letting all of this out. Another burden of a weight lifted off of my shoulders, I guess. I'm sorry if this journal is really long, I just had a lot of problems to go through in this hard game called life and I would rather do the unthinkable. I quit.
I just stopped beating this hard game of life on my own. I'm trying to catch up with the Sonic franchise, my dad left his job, my stepmother has severe PTSD, and need I mention my biological mother leaving me and my dad when I was two? I can't even make time for games on Steam or rewriting my ideas for Sonic fan characters. I even thought about sending my fan characters to Sega, Sonic Team and/or IDW Publishing. Because I really thought that it would be pretty cool to collaborate with them, let alone seeing my characters in the IDW Sonic comics, but I'm not sure if I'll ever see that happening anytime soon. Again, I have a lot to think about. So, I'm done until further notice. So, for now... this is goodbye.
P.S. The last thing I did for 2024 was some ideas for my Sonic OCs and the only thought I had left was an idea for a post-apocalyptic Pokémon AU. Already got a good title for it. It's called Pokémon: Shadow War. I even had an idea of Ash Ketchum disappearing onto an island with all of his Pokémon. Now, I'm not so sure about it happening. I also thought about a Star Wars version of Pokémon Horizons, but I'm not really sure if or when I'll get around to working on it. Not that many ideas for it, if I'm being honest right now. All I can say now is I just hope 2025 will be better than 2024.
And don't worry, I'm not deactivating this account. I'll return when things get better. I hope.
