Skip to "All that said" in bold below if you don't care about my boo-hoo bullshit and just want to know the TL;DR.
Well, I'm completely fucked. I'll probably be homeless in 4-5 months, all the ideas/plans I had either fell through or got completely and irreversibly ruined. People tried their hardest to help me, and I really appreciate that because I'd likely not be writing this otherwise, but it just delayed the inevitable. My physical and mental health are shit, the money I had left is drying up, and I just continue to make the worst decisions. My mom has only gotten worse, and now it's impossible for me to rely on her to do anything at all. I have to do literally everything while she badgers and tortures me relentlessly, which obviously does not help the situation.
That said, I've been asking myself: "how do I want to spend my last few months?" Wallowing in self pity, depressed, alone, and just waiting to die? Because that's where I'm at now, and I don't like it. I'm done letting other people affect my mood to the point I can't draw. I'm done letting this garbage pile of a body keep me from making any money. I'm done being ashamed of the things I like, what little shame I had left. I'm done coddling everyone else and holding back my real feelings. To the people who thought I was an asshole before, you ain't seen nothin' yet. To anyone who thinks what I draw goes too far, you better get the fuck away while you can. I've found a way to push past my mental blocks, and even if it puts more strain on my body and mind, who cares right?
All that said- here's the part anyone will care about. I NEED to earn money. I am no longer in a position to be picky, or to care if drawing certain things will be a drain on my mental health. You can't drain what isn't there. Additionally, I've become so fucked up in the head that I somehow have changed my fetishes, so a lot of things are on the table that were not there before (farting, hyper messing, open diaper, etc) so if you are averse to certain things make sure you have those tags blocked. I am also no longer planning to draw sober, since for now it's been the only way I can get anything done, but my style and quality is likely to vary a lot more than previously due to this and the decline of my ability to stay focused.
To get things rolling, I plan to do a SAP of a bunch of content I did not previously draw to give people an idea how things would look in my style. Plus let's be honest, not everyone reads journals, posting some art will get more attention. After the SAP I will likely start accepting commissions with new policies and far less restrictions on content. I will likely limit the finished-ness and time spent on commissions, it will be more of a "by the hour" sort of deal since my time is still limited by having to survive and plan a place to live that isn't a tent (my backup plan at this point).
EDIT: To clarify, when I say "not sober" I did not mean I'm spending my money on alcohol or illegal drugs. I live somewhere that cannabis is legal, and grow my own outdoors each year so it doesn't really cost me much except some time to water it, and a few days of work toward the fall to harvest and cure it. I generally use it more as a medicine but I admit lately I've been leaning way too heavily on it, but for now it keeps things stable and I have access to it so I don't have much choice. Once I'm in a better place it should be easy to cut back, I've done it before.
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1 month ago
24 Oct 2024 05:37 CEST
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