Sorry, returning here was a massive mistake. It was only because of panic from money. It's always the fucking money, fucking my life up. I hate money. I hate the world. I hate how humans are made to be so uncompassionate. Not because they're evil. Because the situation demands their money, their labor and soul. Exchanging value. Why was I put here like this? Why am I missing the feeling others have? Love? Safety? Why can't I feel comfortable and good and just get on with my life? This is always in the fucking way. I don't want to exist and suffer every day anymore, I don't want to be forced. I just want to leave forever. From the internet, from the coping, from the sexual things. Twisted thing fucking me up for so long. I just want love, care, like I mean something, like I did something good. But not like this.
I hate porn so much. I hate how fucking idiotically simple it was. I hate how it represented this account, my past, as if I liked it. I was just a broken child at home. I was lonely, deeply, deeply lonely. I just wanted love. I made myself do horrible things just for love. Why? Why could I not have something, anything? A hug? A kiss? A pleasant smile to remember that I'm safe? Why is it always the cold shoulder or an expectation that I'd do what I'm told? Why was I left alone, all these years? I felt discarded. And what made everyone think I am a fucking male? Is it because I was openly sexual and drew porn? OK then
I hate porn. I love it, but I hate it. I love how it makes me forget real life. I hate how it isn't real life. I love the twisted, fucked up, brain damaged shit it can be. But I hate porn and real life for its involvement with money, too. I hate all the attention I got for it, I hate all the controversy it makes. I love how for once it fulfills the missing feelings in me and hate for how it reminds me of what I'm missing. Every fucking time it slaps my cheek so hard that I see how fucking stupid it is and what a bitter, depressing reality is hiding behind it. The unchangeable past, the hurtful present, and the fearful future. It is all so terribly scary, the fragile life and death of a person and the possibility your thoughts, your wishes, and your desire will never be fulfilled. And all I ever wanted was a safe place to call home. For fucks sake.
Sorry, I didn't mean to. Perhaps this will guide you better if you read it all again. I hope you have a nice life.
