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How's things?

Funny question, considering I'll probably avoid cheking back to read any answers.

Just felt like saying that I've been watching Blackadder lately, after digging in with some old classic Imperial Guard models from 40k while listening to the likes of Ciaphus Cain and other Warhammer novels about the setting's Inquisition, because I recalled someone once describing Ciaphus Cain like a Blackadder type of character.

Anyway, I never watched the show before now. So imagine my surprise when the season 4 finale left me a blubbering wreck.

I seem to have become emotionally unstable of late.

It's just life, I suppose. I feel like I just throw myself into work, with stress and anxiety causing me to dissociate (disassociate?) from things and just keep moving forward like a robot. Then suddenly, something like the emotionally impactful end of a TV series twists me all up in knots and hits me like a truck.

I don't know who to talk to about this, so lucky you!

Anyway, I hope anyone that happens to read this is doing okay. What do they say, stuff upper lip and all that, or something?

Viewed:	23 times
Added:	4 months, 3 weeks ago 11 Oct 2024 10:47 CEST

10 Comments on this Journal

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victim

4 months, 3 weeks ago

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I haven't seen Blackadder but I've heard about that episode, it hits a lot of people in the feels.

It sounds like you really need a change; I hope life is kinder to you. I was in a pretty similar place last year and for a while leading up to it, and it's awful.

IGAKattack

4 months, 3 weeks ago

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Edited 4 months, 3 weeks ago by Owner

@ victim

Thanks for the comment, and the favourites! I would not have expected it after only just finding and playing your game the other day. It was very interesting, if you know what I mean, and I'm sure you do, hehe.

Change is part of the problem, however. Living in a new house, and family being the way they can be, inviting themselves over all the time and arguing and nagging at each other while they take over the kitchen and garden. *sigh* Family can be exhausting, and I need more time to unwind and detox from everything. Things aren't too bad otherwise, all things considered. It's just the inexorable march of time that's been getting to me over the past couple of years. One of them is gone, a long time now, and the other and their new partner are both getting older, and I am now the age my parents were when they had me, but they had already been married and adopted a child a whole decade before then. And I'm still single. Sometimes it's hard to not ruminate on things, or compare your life to others', or how things might have been different. I feel like I need a serious holiday, but I've no idea where I'd even go considering I'd still probably be happiest staying in my room there alone and end up doing the same thing I always do... maybe if I didn't take my phone, that could at least stop the doomscrolling, lol. But I've even avoided bringing my PC to the new house, thanks to irrational excuses, like dusting it off and worrying about the static electricity frying the motherboard or something, and not having a proper desk for it, haha, that's why I've kind of thriwn myself into buying and building a lot of Warhammer models lately instead of videogames, furry art, or anything, on top of the models I already owned. I find the painting part of the hobby is the hardest to really indulge in when I'm super distracted, or interrupted by family, but there's a big difference between a horde of unpainted grey plastic models and the painted ones. The painted ones truly spark joy, and a sense of having accomplished something.

Sorry, went on a bit of a tirade there. A change sounds good, though. I'll keep at it, and see what I can do. I just keep holding on and waiting for some time away from work and family, so I can get some things done on my own terms.

victim

4 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ IGAKattack

Heheh, yeah we clearly have some tastes in common!  ;3  When I saw you'd faved my game I noticed I was already watching you, but didn't recognize your name, so I went to check out your gallery and found lots to like!  I must have stumbled across your work years ago, but lots of it was new to me.

And yeah, that kind of constant stress would wear anybody down.  For a holiday, maybe don't worry about where exactly?  Like pick somewhere you can get to that you've never been -- so you don't see the same stuff as usual when you look around -- and bring some minis and painting supplies.

I'm having to walk away from a 20-year career I invested a lot in, but it was sucking the joy out of everything.  It's a lot of wasted time, and money, and effort; but it's only by walking away from it that I can have a chance to do the things that do bring me joy.  I eventually committed to it just because life without those things wasn't worth it anymore.

IGAKattack

4 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ victim

Hehe, yeah, I notice that a lot when there are long stretches where I'm not lurking around on here, too many great artists to keep track of, but at least it's easy to see if you're watching someone. I'm glad you've enjoyed some of my work, and hope to see your game develop. ^_^

When I think about where to holiday, I usually end up picturing a room with a view. Nice and simple. Some fresh scenery that might entice me to actually go out and explore it would be a nice change of pace.

I hope your future endeavours do bring you much more joy and satisfaction out of life. Maybe I should stop stressing myself out and finally go buy that desk to set up my PC; putting it off for all these months has left me in an unfamiliar and uncomfortable situation living without it, awkwardly surfing the web on my phone instead. Maybe that will be a good first step, and a change for the better. But first sleep, then work, then I have a day off to sort that out. If I can't find a good desk... maybe it's actually a step I can take out of order, and just sort out moving the PC itself first, then the job is basically already done. Really I think the issue is that I've been avoiding going home to get it, because they always seem to be here, and I want some time and space alone to just work on myself.

victim

4 months, 2 weeks ago

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@ IGAKattack

Yeah, a change of scenery can be really refreshing. A couple times I've done random weekends in cities I'd never been in; 2-3 years ago, in an especially low spot, I found a cheap offseason rental for a few days and holed up there getting baked and playing random furry dating sims I found on Itch. Not as healthy or broadening as exploring a new place, but it still felt like taking my first deep breaths after years of sipping air through a straw. Helped me get through tough times that followed, and looking back I think it was an important part of the longer-term mental health journey I'm on right now.

I hope you can find something like that too. Sounds like you have a good idea to start with. It's only natural to need some time and space to yourself, and there's nothing wrong with getting it. If you can't actually be alone, doing things to make the space feel more 'yours' will hopefully at least help.

IGAKattack

4 months, 2 weeks ago

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@ victim

Small steps are a good start. Like actually putting some paint on a couple of models like I did today, without overthinking it to the point of analysis paralysis. Also glueing together a model I was considering magnetising the weapons for; that's extra work that only delays completing the model, and anyway I think I prefer keeping the extra bits for potential future projects rather than consigning them to a box somewhere, committing them to "maybe" being swapped in for a game when the need arises... except I rarely even play the tabletop game, so it seems unnecessary. There's two knights in the box, so I'll build one of each loadout and leave it at that. I even half built the second one, despite family interruptions, so that's something. Progress!

I think the best way to make it feel more like I have some control over the space is by sorting out a storage/display setup to keep the built models from cluttering up my desk. They stack so much easier in their unopened boxes too, lol

MystBunny

4 months, 3 weeks ago

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I don't know if you're autistic, but I've recently come across a channel called "mom on the spectrum" and I've noticed some videos about accommodations in the workplace. Also goblin.tools which helps with executive functioning, if I'm understanding that term correctly, by putting in a task and having it break the task down into steps.

IGAKattack

4 months, 3 weeks ago

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@ MystBunny

I honestly don't know either, and after watching a variety of different channels on the topic on and off for awhile I'm even less certain, especially when the comments are always filled with people of all ages about how they went undiagnosed for a long time. That channel name does sound familiar. Admittedly, by the sound of things from a lot of different channels, executive function does seem to be something I struggle with sometimes, among other things that just seem to line up almost perfectly. Maybe I'll check it out.

MystBunny

4 months, 2 weeks ago

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@ IGAKattack

Well as the saying goes, "If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person." It affects everyone differently. Though also executive functioning issues aren't exclusive to autism either. As for remaining undiagnosed for a long time, I can't speak for other countries, but here in the US, it's very difficult to find good mental health professionals, and certainly no-one local in my area. It also doesn't help that I was born at a time when autism wasn't known or widely known about. Plus it's something you're born with, so it takes awhile to even realize that what you're experiencing is any different from most other people. I wasn't formally diagnosed, but it did become pretty obvious to me several years ago what it was. Before that, I thought it was just general anxiety.

IGAKattack

4 months, 2 weeks ago

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@ MystBunny

Why does that saying sound familiar. I must have seen it on one of those channels, lol. Small world, I suppose. ^_^

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