Some thoughts

by Mylen

I'm glad that you all seem to be welcoming me back with open arms after my long absence. It eases some of the guilt that I've had for not being here and continuing this part of my life, but I will probably continue to feel guilty until I clean up more of my very very old commission queue, which I deserve to feel. I'm starting a new job in 3 days that will hopefully finally bring me some life balance.

That being said, I also still feel like I owe it to everyone to at the very least explain why I didn't come back sooner. It's so complicated because I want to tell people, I want people to know, but finding the time that feels right is so difficult due to how sensitive of a topic it is for me. I'm tired of what happened impacting every facet of my life; sleep, eating, the arrangement of my room, sex, working, feeling comfortable at home. Part of me, the anger that I hold over this, wants to illustrate it. To just take the events and put them on digital canvas, to let the horror and the discomfort be put on display, but I fear that something that personal might rub people the wrong way. There's another part of me that wants to just dump it all out now, but it's probably too soon, it's only been 9 months since it happened. And then there's a really small part that just wants to keep it hidden forever, only for myself and the very limited close people that know.

Last night, I woke up in an anxious disassociative state and remained that way for a couple of hours, which has become a regular occurence and is what inclined me to write this. I feel powerless in my current situation, but moreso outside of art as a whole, because art is a very powerful thing. It can be a weapon, a form of comfort, a "fuck you"... Not to wax philosophically for too long, but I truly believe art is a reflection of the self. Yes, even the horny cub drawings can have meaning outside of masturbatory purposes. It was always a means of escapism and rebelliousness for me, but I've always wanted to get even more personal with it, yknow? Even if the personal side of things wasn't fully realized or understood, if I can just get one person to see me, to get it, then I will feel fulfilled.

But if I show people who hurt me and how I was hurt, will that hurt them too?