Chronically lonely

I have "friends" but I never do anything with them. Almost all of them never talk to me unless I message them first. I recently stopped talking to some of my longtime friends because they're assholes and I'm done putting up with them. I live with my parents and I wouldn't call them abusive, but they kinda suck. My mom actively refuses to consider how I feel because someone who made good grades in high school and doesn't pay for rent/insurance isn't allowed to be sad. My dad is kinda insane, looks down on everyone, and has a weird obsession with saving money which leads to things like house and car repairs going undone for way too long because he doesn't wanna spend the money. Our house is a huge disorganized, cluttered mess and it's never going to get any better. My job history is fast food and I currently work retail, part time because I'm really low energy. I wanna move out and live with a boyfriend or something else with intimacy but I'm nowhere near independent enough and I'm really anxious forming relationships with people that don't know I'm into cub porn. I have underdeveloped social skills and *possibly* borderline personality disorder, definitely anxiety and depression, so I suck at making new friends. My """goal""" is learning to code and getting a half-decent job with it but my heart really isn't in it because I have a crippling fear of trying to succeed and failing. My other goal is making a living trading stock options. I'm down like, 84%. I spend most of my free time playing addictive videogames like roguelikes and mmorpgs (currently FFXIV and Dota 2 vs the AI) so I can just stop thinking about my situation. I'm in danger of becoming an alcoholic.

What I want is a place to just like, hang out like friends do, play videogames ****with**** people, feel like I have a place where I belong. But I tried doing just that when I was new to the diaperfur scene and it was a place of toxicity, bullying, and a LOT of autism and I'm still kinda burned out about it. Are there any cub friendly discord servers where friends play videogames together or something like that? Or maybe some life advice?

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Added:	1 year, 11 months ago 18 Mar 2023 03:53 CET

4 Comments on this Journal

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OverFlo207

1 year, 11 months ago

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Sends hugs your way.

POOMPYBOONTY

1 year, 8 months ago

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"

I live with my parents and I wouldn't call them abusive, but they kinda suck. My mom actively refuses to consider how I feel because someone who made good grades in high school and doesn't pay for rent/insurance isn't allowed to be sad. My dad is kinda insane, looks down on everyone, and has a weird obsession with saving money which leads to things like house and car repairs going undone for way too long because he doesn't wanna spend the money. Our house is a huge disorganized, cluttered mess and it's never going to get any better.

It sounds all too familiar in a few ways! Even if they're not 'on paper abusive', it can still be a bad situation. I know what it's like to be subtly reminded that 'things aren't so bad' or 'that you have it good' but no, the stuff you bring up is valid. Changing it though, underneath them, is sort of beyond what I'd even call a challenge. If you've got no way to achieve more than they can, I consider it a sort of more-than-reasonable challenge to overcome.

"	I wanna move out and live with a boyfriend or something else with intimacy but I'm nowhere near independent enough and I'm really anxious forming relationships with people that don't know I'm into cub porn.

It's very understandable! But I think you're on the right track, more folk than ever before are starting to feel more comfortable with this type of expression. I think I understand quite well how condescending it can be to be told 'well, just keep looking!' But what I will say is, don't lose hope. It feels like these things can work out. A nice boyfriend, or even a small commune of like-minded folk seem like it's a good idea for a lot of us. Just don't accept bullshitting each other, everyone has to be able to work together but feels like it can work out if you ask me.

"	definitely anxiety and depression

In this day and age it's just another mood, such as being hungry, thirsty or 'self-deprecating' to put it lightly.

"	spend most of my free time playing addictive videogames like roguelikes and mmorpgs (currently FFXIV and Dota 2 vs the AI) so I can just stop thinking about my situation. I'm in danger of becoming an alcoholic.

Been there as well. It feels nice to play, like it's some form of progress or goal. If you ask me,it's because everything else feels like it's not a worthwhile goal. It's a serious problem to be faced with. Alcoholism and drugs, if you ask me can be solved in a similar way that giving up soda can be solved. It's so easy to form habits and associate them with bad behavior, so if that behavior is changed I think it can be just as easy to associate less unhealthy habits too. But that is putting it super simply and really seems to vary case by case IMO.

"

What I want is a place to just like, hang out like friends do, play videogames ****with**** people, feel like I have a place where I belong. But I tried doing just that when I was new to the diaperfur scene and it was a place of toxicity, bullying, and a LOT of autism and I'm still kinda burned out about it. Are there any cub friendly discord servers where friends play videogames together or something like that? Or maybe some life advice?

I hate to say I don't know either. If I'm being honest, I sort of wonder if what 'we have' (drawing from my own diaper-y community experiences) is really going to fix things. I don't think it's set up like a proper community. I don't think anyone is expected to have true "communal" behaviors. But it SEEMS like it could. I mean, it's a similar interest, so why not?

I dunno, furry/diaper/whatever spaces online seem like a dumping ground to me. Or an obscure field we all sort of collect in when we need something we can't get anywhere else. Problem is, we get that one special thing--But nothing else holds us together.

I'm sorry to hear you and a lot of us have difficulties. But I think there's hope that we can live a way that doesn't look like the way our parents did. Something new and interesting.

Dylanamin

1 year, 8 months ago

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@ POOMPYBOONTY

I'm not entirely sure what to make from all this, but I appreciate your response

eeveefan

1 year, 6 months ago

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Edited 1 year, 6 months ago by Owner

alcohol doesnt solve problems, it only creates them.
why are you afraid of failing? failing things is natural, its havng the strength to get back up, brush yourself off and keep going that people need. if we always succeded at things then im sure everyone would be dead right now.
without failure there can be no success.

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