It has been my constant companion from a very young age, and a most unwelcome one. But I don't think people really necessarily understand what I mean when I refer to it. Allow me to elucidate:
Paranoia is not a temporary trip to an unpleasant line of thought. It's a pre-set, a groove cut deep into your behavior and way of thinking that you will have to voluntarily remember not to trip over every single time you put spark to synapse.
Paranoia is a poison in your mind, that colors all proclamations of simple delights with belabored queries of "Unless..."
Paranoia is a venom to your friendships, ensuring that no matter how much trust they've placed in you, you will always be capable of suspecting the worst of them.
Paranoia means that no matter how intelligent you become, how discerning your thoughts, how refined your intellect, you will always eventually draw a conclusion that is stark raving nonsense, and believe it with zealous conviction.
Paranoia will help you focus your thoughts with laser-like accuracy, but only to tear everything that you care about down like old, peeling wallpaper.
Paranoia is there to trip you just when you get a little skip in your step. The moment you stop keeping it in check, start to feel comfortable, begin to believe that you've paid penance and can afford an iota of- not even pride, but dignity- it will humiliate you and force you to choose: guard your increasingly precious dignity and lose all credibility, or keep others' trust and give in to the self-image of an incompetent, capricious madman.
If I ever seem... self-effacing, or hard on myself, or appear to hold a terrible opinion of myself that seems out of place, rest assured it's not abuse... it's there to stop me from being the monster that comes out when I begin to believe that I absolutely can be trusted not to think the worst of everything and everyone. Humility is my only weapon against this... demon. Don't let me drink the kool-aid; yours, mine, anybody's. It's not okay.
6 years, 9 months ago
17 Jun 2012 21:39 CEST