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SpoonFox

The paradox of sorrow

"I have clinical depression."
"lol, cheer up"
Don't do this.

"My depression is acting up, sorry."
"Don't use your mental disability as a shield."
Don't do this.

Both of these behaviors make people who suffer from problems want to keep quiet, and it builds up and causes problems. Worse yet, people don't understand "Hey, why are you overreacting to this problem?" You mention why and they go either "Cheer up!" or "Don't hide behind your disability"

It's a trap... You can't win. Some people will show sympathy, others will actually understand "oh, sorry, I didn't know", but an overwhelming majority will try to state you're using it as a shield... When you're just explaining why something happened...

It hurts.

And people think their words are harmless, or they are without consequence... But it does hurt... And some are weaker than others... And have taken their own lives over more trivial reasons.

If someone trusts you enough to share their problems, do not belittle them, do not tell them it's not a problem, and DO NOT EVER tell them not to use it as a shield. Some people will use it as an excuse to be assholes, but if someone is just telling you that they have a problem to explain why they acted or communicated how they did? Don't be an asshole to them about it.

With that being said... Yeah, I suffer from clinical depression, social anxiety, chronic paranoia, and a few other problems only a trusted few will be told about. I fuck up, but I try to learn from my fuck ups. I may be hard to deal with, I may be scared of you, I may misunderstand you, but this does not mean I hate you, this does not mean I am trying to harm you or do bad things to you.

At the end of the day, I'm insignificant... and sometimes I try to show some significance... But each time I do... people say I have a superiority complex... And I am kicked down and once more... insignificant. I have no impact on others. Those who are close to me, I am not always as close to them... And sometimes I feel friends aren't actually friends, because honestly? They're not... So now I have trust issues. People don't communicate clearly to me. They're not as straight forward as I'd like, and it frustrates me. I'm an idiot, I don't pick up on social cues, I don't pick up on topics that people dance around.

I am also overly sensitive. People state I have a victim complex too, yeah... I've been a victim a lot in my life, and when things start acting out like my past experiences, I instinctively react to it as if it's happening again, even if it's not actually happening... But I get punished for this. It's literal PTSD. And I've had some fucking assholes go "You've never been a victim" because of it... I've been told to kill myself. I've been seriously injured for disagreeing with people IRL. I've been emotionally abused my whole life by my family. I've had people literally use me to get to my friends, only to convince said friends to stop being my friends. I've been abandoned. I've been vilified. All because I'm horrible at social situations. All because I let people walk over me my whole life. I nearly took my own life almost a decade ago because I was tired of all the negativity piling up on me. ... I am tired again...

"But Spoon! You're letting them win!" Letting who win? If I've got a 'victim complex', I'm not letting 'anyone win', am I? If I have a superiority complex... Would it not be better to not have a snob around? If I have an inferiority complex... which I do... why does it even matter? People will just say I'm fishing for sympathy...

I rarely put emotion to text. People put the emotion in place, what they want to perceive... People want me to be angry. They want me to beg for sympathy. They want me to be the bad person so they can throw this negative shade against me... It's wearing on me pretty bad. I'm always the bad guy, all because I am awful at communicating with people. Yes, I write a lot, but that means jack shit if I can't tell when people are joking or serious.

No one ever wants to be around me IRL. The few people who tolerate me grow distant over time. I'm hard to tolerate... I'm a difficult person. It makes me constantly wonder, is it even worth it? To be a burden? To be a disappointment? To be the bad guy?

I don't know anymore. Some people want that 'wholesome' mask I put on all the time. It hurts. I can't be myself. I have little to vent with. I have little who actually care. And I have too many who merely pity me, not wanting to understand me.

Maybe I really am just an awful person, wouldn't it be better if I were gone if that were true? yet people tell me the opposite. They hate me, but don't want me gone, it confuses the Hell out of me. They don't want to be bad people. They don't want to admit that deep down they'd be grateful if people like me were gone. They're in denial... but this isn't always the case. There's always aberrant mentalities... But with so many people wearing their masks, you can never tell which ones are which.

Sorry for having depression. Sorry for having anxiety. Sorry for having paranoia. Sorry for a ton of things out of my control. I am trying, it is hard, but I am trying...
Viewed: 146 times
Added: 3 years, 1 month ago
 
ArielCelestia
3 years, 1 month ago
*Offers warmest of winghugs.*
TheTatteredKitty
3 years, 1 month ago
There's not much I can say, that will help... And I can't say I know the exact reason that caused all your pain... All I can do is maybe nudge you in a different direction, change your train of thought and simply tell you to imagine.

Imagine all the people out there, kids maybe that you don't know, that I don't know, that no one here has even heard of. They may have been a neighbor, maybe Someone from your town, maybe they were even someone from my city or from a diffrent country all together, they had dreams, they had futures like you and me... but then something happened, something dark and very scary. Something scary enough that it would make even some of the most hardened adults cry... now taken, these kids were forced to do things, bad things, forced to produce another being against there will, they suffered far more then even you or I can imagine. and now they no longer have a name, they have no future, some of them were spirited away even before reaching there 10th. And the rest the world just simply seems to have forgotten about them, some of them have see things that would huant anyones dreams.

The're victims, but not victims like you or me... no. I tell you this simply to imagine yourself in there place the depression and despair you and I experience simply dose not even compare, I know it probably won't change the way you feel at the moment, but I ask that when you are feeling sad and abandoned. Think about the horrors other people have witnessed, horrors that you or I just can't picture ourselves because, were just not in that bad of a situation.

I tell you this in hopes that it may help. And as I do, I'm also wishing you can see past the hardships you are facing, see past that encroaching darkness that fallows those bouts of depression you or I feel and you know... look to your own future, not a future of lonelyness filled with melancholy, but a future where there is something that makes you smile and something that makes you look forward to living out in real life, because thats what hope is... Something to look forward to, but you can only do that if you really want it.

Hang in there and things will get better, but it's not going to happen on it's own and it's not going to be easy, it's going to take a lot of work from you to make that happen.

*hugs*
Icestorm
3 years, 1 month ago
*hugs* I am so sorry :(
its going to hurt, And then It will just not hurt as much. I know that sounds simple. But i guess i can relate when dad died. It dosn't get better , like you said I also hate when people say stuff like that.  It just feels less bad , till your brain can push it to the back.
Reyedog
3 years, 1 month ago
*hugs*
ThaPig
3 years, 1 month ago
Many people don't understand depression. They think it's just feeling sad.
It's a lot more than that. Depression can take many shapes and only the person suffering it knows how it feels.
Sometimes it a total lack of energy that makes even the simplest tasks painfully hard to accomplish.
Many people with chronic depression don't even look depressed from the outside, sometimes the person looks happy but has a storm going on inside.
Rakaziel
3 years, 1 month ago
I have been there. Both the paranoia and the depression.
Then again I have the advantage that I never really cared about social contact. I do not get lonely.
But that's something in how my brain works, not something one can learn.

And you, from what I read, care deeply. You are a very extroverted person at heart.
I know that makes it much worse for you than it ever was for me.

I have been suicidal and keeping living out of spite is a valid survival strategy.

Another thing that motivates me to keep going are various hobby projects. It's important to have more than one at a time,
lest you cling to that single hobby project like a lifeline and thus procrastinate on hit because you fear the gap when it is finished.

Beyond a goal it's also a great source of validation. Not through the opinions of others. Through yourself.

"I made this. I am valuable. I am worthy of continuing."

And if it's not up to your standards, then MAKE it up to you standards. Modify. Iterate. Accept that reaching your standards may take years - and that the Journey - and particularly the finding yourself and the learning of your art - is just as important and valuable as the Destination.

Find and remember your Talents and Interests. Each of them is a reason to keep living on its own.
Rakaziel
3 years, 1 month ago
Also consider the following natural antidepressants:

Exercise. Get MOVING. When your heart is pumping you will feel more alive - and more ready to take on the world.
Run on YOUR terms. Maybe weightlifting as a psychosomatic anchor, for convincing yourself you can lift the weight and keep going.
Start SMALL - you need build up, step by step.

Get SUNLIGHT. Directly, unfiltered, Vitamin D. Keep an eye on your diet, some foods can lift your mood (haver for example), and some are important for making Vitamin D.

Pornography - has its place but does not work as a sole coping mechanism. More like that little bit cream on top.

Chocolate contains compounds chemically similar to cocaine. Pick the bitter, high-cocoa ones if you are concerned about sugar.

MUSIC. Sad music to feel heard and uplifting music to lift yourself up.

BAKING. Combine the making and the chocolate and the sugar. Start with easy to follow instructions and you have immediate results!
Germ
3 years ago
There is a lot to unpack there, but I will say that all sounds very difficult to handle, especially over so much time. Social life and keeping up relationships can be hella tough, but worth it even with some shitty experiences. I'm glad that you are trying, at least. I'm open for some private, more elaborate chatting and hugs if you feel up to it.
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