I think the one thing I hate the most about this crazy career of mine is that my worst slumps have me begrudging others' success.
I end up not being able to celebrate and enjoy my peers' fantastic, amazing artwork because I feel like it reflects negatively on me not keeping up. It's an irrational impulse and I acknowledge it as being just that, but it still affects me harshly and is really scary to admit to. It feels like I'm outing myself as being a very petty, jealous, selfish and egotistical person, even if it only comes out when I'm at my worst.
Ultimately it's all motivated by a feeling of shame, cause I've never felt like I manage to maintain a consistent pace or good momentum with my work for more than a couple weeks at a time. Unless I'm going at a fairly leisurely pace, which never feels like enough, I tire fast. While I've been happier trying to focus on what I want to create without worrying about "numbers," per se, cashflow is a constant burden.
2020 was the worst for it in hindsight, but I had planned for it to be the year that I make this work, or start looking into alternatives.
Other factors aside, I've often felt like I haven't put enough of my energy into the right places to earn my success and stability doing this gig. I'm eternally grateful for the support everyone gives me, but since the struggle hasn't abated much at all, I continue to worry.
I don't want to give the impression that I'm giving up here; I want to keep fighting as much as I can to see this through. This is a recurring fear of mine that, as time goes by, gets to me worse and worse each time I find myself doubting.
Giving it a voice helps me cope, so thanks for hearing me out.
1 month, 2 weeks ago
04 Dec 2020 02:48 CET