The last thing you guys probably wanna see from me is another journal delving into my stupid personal life, but I've been pretty fucked up from some stuff and I just wanna get it off my mind a little.
So, if you live in America, you know what's going down right now: the riots concerning police brutality against minority races. If you've seen me at one of the 2 major conventions I've been to, then you would know that I'm half black and half white. The other part that doesn't help is I'm trans, but that's a whole other issue. Point is, this shit directly affects me.
About a day ago now, a friend and I went out of town to a city we frequent to get some food. We stumbled across a protest that was happening off of a major Interstate ramp at night (this was my college town btw). We parked my car and got out to observe, and ended up walking with most of the people. It had been going on for 13 hours already, but there was still probably 100+ people there.
A lot of shit happened. A cop pulled a gun on someone, we spoke to a black man who took a shard of either metal or glass to his arm which made a deep cut, there was a fist fight, a trio of religious people telling us we were satanists, a firecracker dangerously thrown next to a gas pump that scared the shit out of us, and a whole hell of a lot of screaming and people almost getting run over. There was even a journalist that kept shoving people out of the way just to get a better photograph. Thankfully, no tear gas or rubber bullets were deployed.
We walked about a mile down the road over the course of 2 hours constantly having a perimeter of state, local, and I believe even a couple of federal agents on our asses at all times. My friend and I decided we were too hungry to continue, so we turned around and walked back to my parked car. Driving past where we had turned around (an intersection right by a gas station), 2 girls we were protesting with ran out in front of my car screaming, "someone call 911, someone's been shot". At first we thought it was a joke, but then we looked over and say a guy kneeling on the pavement holding onto his midsection and looking pretty distraught.
I'm not exaggerating when I say this, but seeing that guy bleeding out on the ground was the most panicked I had ever been in my entire life. I pulled over and called for an ambulance, all the cops that were following us that night cut everything off, but we managed to speed off after making sure an ambulance was coming. The thing is, that easily could have been me or my good friend. There were less than 50 people remaining when we decided to turn around and go back to my car. I've never been around a shooting or at a crime scene ever. I was raised sheltered as fuck. The whole thing shocked me, the car ride home was near silent.
I knew that when I got home to my grandma, she would scold me for even being out there in the first place, let alone witnessing a shooting. We had a really bad argument. I was upset because she didn't even ask if I was mentally okay, or if it even affected me in any way. She just kept asking, "are you mad at me? Why are you always angry around me? Why don't you ever talk to me?", as if I didn't even matter in that moment, just her.
I ended up staying with my friend and his friend plus his roommate that night. I didn't care anymore. I smoked a shit ton of weed, only the 2nd time I've ever done it. Then I drank probably 5 or 6 beers over the course of the night plus part of a joint later on. My medications make me incredibly sensitive to alcohol, so that 5 or 6 beers is more like 8 or 9. No food or water either.
But that's not the bad part, the bad part was being so far gone, emotionally dead, and pissed at the world that I decided to hop inside of an off-road Jeep, where the driver had been drunk since noon that day, everyone else in the car was high and drunk, and we drifted all over some hills and fields with trees everywhere as well as scaling stupidly high angle hills. There were about 3 times where I genuinely thought we were gonna flip the vehicle, one of which all of our heads hit the ceiling. Didn't wear my seat belt for half of it. Ended up passed out in the gravel driveway in cold weather before my friend found me 15 minutes later and took me back inside.
I truly shouldn't be alive right now. Seeing that guy bleeding, everyone panicking... it has severely messed with me. I made extremely poor decisions. I'm just very lost.
| Viewed: |
120 times |
| Added: |
3 years, 11 months ago
01 Jun 2020 12:17 CEST
|
|
|
