This year certainly has been a year. A very tiring stressful obnoxious depressing yet weirdly productive in very niche ways year.
My resolutions for this year were:
* Get a job as a developer - Nope. How in the hell do people even find work in this field? No seriously, if you have insight, lay it on me.
* Get out of debt - See above.
* Become a Blender Badass - Eeeehhhh I could've done more with this to be honest, but I'm pleased with what I do know, so I'll call this a partial success.
* Make and rig a 3D model of Raegal - I wish I found the time to do this. I'm hanging out with 3D artists these days so maybe next year?
* Get commissioned by at least 5 unique customers - Slam frickin' dunk. I'm amazed at how fast I cleared that one. Thanks so much to everyone who commissioned me this year. I was expecting to struggle with this, but I had that down by June.
* Go to FWA/MFF - Did the former, couldn't afford the latter. Better luck next year.
* Become a speedrunner for Ori and the Will of the Wisps - Impossible, since the game got delayed. Ah well. :P
All in all, a lot of failures, but a lot of successes as well. More on this later.
Next years are thus:
* GET A MOTHERFUCKING JOB AS A DEVELOPER! (or suitable alternative) - I didn't spend the better half of my life studying code to just throw it all away and work a register at a gas station in a bad neighborhood for almost nothing. My self-esteem may be full of holes and raggedy as hell, but I know I'm worth more than minimum wage.
* Get better at networking with artists/developers. - Knowing people is a good thing. Inspiration is born from such relationships.
* Stream art more. - Self explanatory.
* Achieve artistic badassery. - I feel like I'm closer now than I've ever been. I won't be shown up! :3
* Learn to model more than just donuts and tutorial stuff in Blender. - Doable. Just have to be disciplined.
* Find a programming language to focus on more than any other. - Python, I'm looking at you. Being a jack of all trades is hella useful, but the drawbacks can't really be ignored. More on this later.
What this year has been.
An uphill struggle at best, an irrefutable gem of evidence for my own nihilistic subconscious at worst. I'll start with the bad and end with the good. My self image has taken some massive hits this year, getting email after email of rejections from job providers will do that to you over time. I've become frustrated with the world in general, as it always seems like the worst possible outcome is the guaranteed one, villains always get their way, and I'm utterly powerless to do anything about it, and even if I did, hate finds a way through. I've become infuriated with the concept of nepotism in the workplace. Skill should get you the job, not the fact that you're friends with Steve. The latter has zero bearing on your ability and should not be considered at all, and yet it is the single most important factor, to the point where you could be a complete idiot and be guaranteed victory over a candidate with literal decades of experience and expertise over you. It sucks, and I hate it with every fiber of my being. Without getting too personal, I've begun to feel like an unwilling parasite with no means of escaping that station no matter how hard I try. It sucks, and I hate it with every fiber of my being. I've balked against my own preconceived notions of stereotypes on various fronts, and yet those stereotypes continue to get confirmed, as if to laugh at me for trying to chastise the few remaining bits of my shitty highschool mentality that linger on like barnacles on an otherwise clean ship. It sucks, and I hate it with every fiber of my being.
Now for the good shit. I've gotten faster... like... way faster at art. I thank Drawpile for a lot of that. This year I've reached out to a lot of new folks, forging bonds and relationships as I went. This is something I had been missing for a long time, and because I'm doing this now, I feel better about drawing, art, etc. in general than I have in years. Case in point, this year has been, to date, the single most productive year in my entire artistic career. Not everything's been posted here, but the fact is I've been drawing at least once a week every single week since early in the year, and that has given me agility. Feedback from my new art groups has given me clarity and direction, and even more importantly, inspiration. I'm a better artist now than I've ever been. I've been working on ditching Photoshop for Krita because I'm sick and tired of Adobe being a useless theiving piece of shit (I used to have a legit license for Design and Web Premium CS6, until they locked me out of it, trying to force me into CC) and Krita has been nothing short of impressive. It takes some work hammering it into shape, but it's a hardy little bastard when it gets there. Blender 2.8 dropped this year and it is phenominal. A lot more folks are supporting Blender than ever before, and in my opinion, if I had previously been considering getting a license for Maya or whatever else, I'm certainly not going to now. I'm feeling more confident in my ability to create no matter the medium. I FINALLY have something vaguely resembling a job. It keeps my bills paid, but very very little else, but it's something. As of a few days ago, I'm currently living in a new house with my roommates, and I have my own room again. I liked the communal setup we had before, but having my own working space is something I didn't realize I'd miss as much as I did, and I feel like this is a powerful tool returned to my arsenal where focus is concerned.
It's been a hell of a year, but there is hope. Very very dim hope that's invisible even under artificial light, but from the gloomy void I'm existing in mentally, it's bright enough to guide me forward at the very least.
What's in store for next year?
Get. A. Goddamn. Proper. Ass. Job. I'm 30 years old. I've been coding since I was 15. For fuck's sake, someone had better hire me. Shit is ridiculous. I'm going to continue to improve my artwork and perhaps lean in on my more non-worksafe stuff because frankly I enjoy it, and so does everyone else. Numbers do not lie. :P FWA's looking like a bust right now, which is a damn shame, but I must be responsible with my table scraps if I am to get shit fixed. I'm going to build my own private gallery site not to balk FA, but to show that I am capable of building APIs and then utilizing them. It's currently looking like Django (Python) on the backend, ReactJS on the front. If you know me at all, you know I hate JS with a passion, but I must demonstrate aptitude and skill if things are to improve.
I'm cautious, but hopeful. Maybe something good will happen. I sure as hell am going to try to force something good to happen. I'm still breathing, therefor I haven't lost yet.
Good luck, everyone. It's a new decade. Let's try to make this one feel less like we're sliding towards oblivion at an increasing pace and more like we're working to fix what's wrong with the world.
