A little while ago I posted a journal about a series of dreams I have that took place in a common setting.
Today, I felt like posting about my sleep paralysis. For those of you fortunate enough to not know, sleep paralysis is a phenomenon where you mind wakes up, but your nervous-system has not yet woken up (look up Reticular Activating System if you're interested in the part of the brain that does that). It's like if your computer booted up, got past the BIOS, but then the OS didn't load for whatever reason.
So, you wind up with your brain awake and your body not being able to move. Your brain tries to move the body, but it can't, because part of it hasn't worked yet.
Then comes to terrors and hallucinations.
If you are faint-of-heart or perturbed by this iea, you may either stop readin ghere or continue in fascination. I also want to clarify: I am a happy person, satisfied with my life and where things are at. So, no need to sink too comfortably in that armchair, if you know what I mean.
I first experienced sleep paralysis when I was very young, elementary school or middle-school aged. I still vividly remember the hallucination of being chained to a slab with fires licking all around me, while I desperately tried to sit up and scream for help, but couldn't.
I hadn't had another episode in a long time, but I do have frequent episodes of Hypnagogia, which, I actually found out was the term for what I had such trouble describing, only recently.
Several years ago, I began having bouts of sleep paralysis off-and-on. It would come for a week, then not happen again for a few months. It's generally followed a pattern of the change of seasons, mostly between winter and spring, and summer and autumn.
The last bout I had involved a little girl who was black-and-white. She would be in the bed next to me, or kneeling beside me, looking at me. She would periodically let out a banshee-shriek at me, and I tried to yell at her to go away. One particular time, she was staring down at me while I was lying at my back, then leapt up to high as the ceiling and landed on me, strangling me and screaming at my face.
She was given the name Gertrude. Though, I forget by exactly whom (someone here on IB).
Last night / this morning, I had another episode, so this is likely the start of another bout. Now, the thing is, in-the-moment, these episodes are absolutely horrifying; my body and mind don't just realize "oh I must be in sleep-paralysis mode." I am in an adrenaline-shocked panic trying to move from whatever it is that is attacking me, or from whatever terror I'm imagining.
But, after I wake up, it usually doesn't bother me. Even Gertrude didn't bother me so much.
But... This time... I'm a little bothered.
So, this is actually a two-part episode I had, because I had woken up from the first one, managed to rouse myself. But then I had a second one. Both... Were the same thing, though. Well, let me explain.
So the first one didn't start off as a sleep-paralysis terror right away. It started off as as something like an obstacle corse or game-show, where kids were running through ball-pits and other things... Though, the details are very fuzzy, because I only remember the ball-pit, which was the last thing before I woke up, and where this turned into a terror.
There was a little girl (not Gertrude) that had a black bruise on the left side of her nose / cheek. She began floating above the balls in the pit. A voice started screaming at her. You will die! Over and over again, and she feverishly protested, in a similar manner: I'm sorry! Except... It was me that was saying I'm sorry!, or, trying to; I couldn't, barely able to move my lips.
Just before I woke up, she flinched, and the right side of her face became blackened, too. But this was because blood was pooling in her face, causing the blackish / purplish discoloration. It was like a vessel had burst in her face.
Somehow, I managed to get back to sleep after waking up. Again, the dream I had didn't start off sleep-paralysis, but eventually it wound up that way. For you FNAF fans, it seemed like what was happening was that I was wearing some kind of mask, that looked (from my dream-perspective) like when you put on the Freddy Mask in FNAF 2; seeing out the eye-holes.
I recall this amorphous, ink-like specter holding me down, screaming at me: You will die! Over and over again. Finally, I tried to shout back: Then, kill me! Although, in reality, it was merely a raspy breath with barely any lip movement.
A few other things happened, but... I eventually overcame the specter and woke up.
What continues to bother me is that moment where I uttered, then, kill me.
This might sound odd, but... That's kind of both embarrassing and perturbing to me, that I would give in like that. It's not the first specter or demon that's pinned me down or threatened to harm me. But, I think it was just its pure insistence that you will die. It repeated over and over and over again...
It's just... Actually genuinely scary to me. Not that I'm difficult to scare, I'm a freakin' wuss. But I've never been scared of my own dreams.
Not even of the one with the porcelain doll breaking down a door in a room I had barricaded myself in, all the while singing, We're going to hell... We're going to hell... That doesn't bother me... But, that was just a nightmare. I didn't actually, physically attempt to interact and utter a submission.
Sleep might be a tad difficult tonight x.x;
-- Lemniscaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
