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Thinking about stuff: Maybe I'm cowardly


I've been thinking a lot to myself. I really have been sitting here and missing a lot of people I used to talk to a lot more often and I know they miss me. A lot of you guys, however, think it is as simple for me to just double-click on someone's name in an IM or find them and send them a message somewhere. Now, it is, in fact, VERY easy to physically do that, it isn't as easy as for me to mentally do that. I have too many thoughts going on in my head that prevent me from talking to people. It' snot because I don't WANT to talk to people, it's the simple fact I can't bring myself to do it.

Now, I do know it is because of the depression I suffered through between March 2010 thru March 2011, and I don't know why I have been, but I will continue to do so. I apologize for being depressed. It's honestly nothing that I could help, nor can I help the waves of depression that rack me throughout the year. That was my first time, not being sad, mind you, but being actually completely depressed, and I was neither mentally, nor physically ready for the change in actually -not- controlling/managing my emotions. It broke me down emotionally and I've been slowly building myself back up.

Now, that being said, onto my initial point. Maybe I'm a coward, hiding in my shell, afraid to let something else happen to me. You all know that I've had a terrible last year or so and I don't want it to happen again. It's left me in a messed up, fragile state, and one that I cannot help. Seriously. These facts I have noticed:

1. People STILL give me shit over the fact I had been absent most of last year and this. Although I've explained numerous times why, it still leaves a rather sore spot in trying to talk to people I haven't in a while, because I'm still scared that I'm only going to get crap for it, and due to my emotionally raw state, it's very easy for me to feel like crap and guilty for it, even though logically I should not.

2. Being around has been diminishing in fun a LOT. And it's nobody personal that's causing it. Just a collection of things. I had been a lot more tolerable before but again, with my new emotional outlook, things are a lot harder to overlook. People faling for me and me having to turn them down and the ovewhelming guilt I have to deal with to see them being sad. People that I am unable to get pics for with me and them in it due to my financial state of being, as well as how generally hard it is for me to get it. Having to play counselor all the time to a lot of people, and finally, I mention again, my emotional fragility, making it hard to talk to people makes it less fun since my entire state of being is simply BASED on friendships.

3. Losing friends. It burns. It always does and you all know what its like. And I don't want to hear or thinkg about that BS "It's just the internet and these are just people." It's nonsense. It's what I've grown accustomed to and who becomes part of my very freaking heart. Every loss, is another severed chain. Each chain that holds it up has to do more work because there's less support, and meanwhile, the broken chain slams hard against the ground, causing me much pain. Whether its over some stupid BS reasoning, or  because its something legit, it hurts either way.

These factors have left me very...raw. Raw to the point it makes it really hard for me to actually try to be or stay active, contrary to the fact I've actually been trying. But who knows, the fact I do just simply shrink away and hide in my own little corners of the internet, like F-List or whatever, probably does make me seem like a coward. Lord knows I've had plenty of time to recover, according to a lot of people, although I know it isn't true.

So yes, this is where I've been. Simply put, away. I haven't been home lately, haven't been online as often, and I'm just trying to find some factors that will help me go back to being my old, happy, charismatic self.

The good news is I do have a fan, the bad news, I don't know when I'll be ready enough to sign into Trillian/Pidgin again to talk to so many people. I have Skype. My userlist is more limited there, but if you have it, I do invite you to add me. I'm on more often there, than anywhere else.

Again, I ask you all to forgive me for my disappearances, as well as my silences. When I get back to being me. There'll be more artwork seen, more talking from me and the like. Til then though, just bear with me.
Viewed: 50 times
Added: 7 years, 7 months ago
7 years, 7 months ago
wow seems like you have been through a lot (that seems like such an understatement).

its rare that most people can make an emotional connection to others through the internet.  from personal experience most people just seem to have this line of thinking that it is just some machine on the other side vs the reality of the fact that there is another human being with emotions and feelings talking to them.  When i have conversations via IM i try to visualize that im standing there with that person and that kind of translate to me typing the same way that i talk.  so its good to see that there are people out there that see beyond the comp screen.

as far as reaching out to be people i would say you have "once bitten twice shy" syndrom.  basically you don't want to be hurt again so your guarding yourself which in all reality there is nothing wrong with that.  honestly its your life and you can do with it what you so desire by only thing i would say is as long as it makes you happy go for it :).  

as far as feeling guilt goes..... well thats kinda a slippery slope.  nobody but you can make you feel guilt.  guilt is a reaction of our bodies/minds that we feel when we have done something wrong.  so the way to beat guilt is to look at something you are feeling guilty about, take a step back and ask yourself what did i do wrong to make me feel guilty.  I have found a lot of times that most people actually did nothing wrong but feel guilt because it is perceived that they did something wrong.

It the end the most basic solution would be to make sure you surround yourself with people who are gonna provide you support trough thick and thin a person who can be a confidant and will help you to your feet whenever you stumble.
7 years, 7 months ago
I think it's more the fact that people kind of suck in general man. Fuck people who give you shit over being gone. If they get that angry over something like that, how good of a friend are they really? It's this kind of ME ME ME PAY ATTENTION TO ME bullshit that irritates the fuck out of me.
7 years, 7 months ago
Mavy, hun... if you ever need someone to talk to... please don't hesitate to poke me.  I can't promise much, but I can assure you that I'll do whatever I can to try to make you feel better.

*applies much hugging and squiggle love*  <3 <3 <3
7 years, 7 months ago
Gee golly that was lots to read.

*jumps on the seesaw* wouldnja rather play wiff me on this?
7 years, 7 months ago
I can feel on you hun...hmm that sounds weird. Anyways I've been there sometimes. I hate losing friends and can get attached fairly easily specially with those I rp with. I suck at idle conversation, and can never think of what to type about unless its rp. Dunno why. I know the butterflies feeling too of adding someone or trying talk to em specially the non rpers. It usually just turns into "hey" "hello" How are you" "Im good" then silence. might get a "what you up to" in there but yesh thats about it. I try and add people from here like ones I watch or see rp, but ya I have fight myself sometimes as I think they won't even respond or something. got that alot from FA thankfully on here been way different. Don't get many but they respond to pms atleast =^.^= Anyways as of being cowardly its not that at all. You've been hurt before and you dont want to get hurt again so you isolate yourself, and try and keep people away as you don't want to get hurt again. Thing is you can't force yourself but you also can't force your true friends away and lock them out. Now who you consider your true friends is your decision, but remember a true friend will stand by your side no matter what. I think Jeff Foxworthy said it best. So and so is a true friend he'd take care your dog while you're in jail. Which is a lie as is he was a true friend his ass be in jail with you saying "she didn't look no cop did she?" Wasn't the actual joke but still funny. Still point stands take your time and don't rush it hun but we're here for you and I'll add ya on my messengers if ever want talk to drop ya a pm. Remember not cowardly to try and hide from the hurt a true brave person will come out and seek help from it.
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