I've been thinking a lot to myself. I really have been sitting here and missing a lot of people I used to talk to a lot more often and I know they miss me. A lot of you guys, however, think it is as simple for me to just double-click on someone's name in an IM or find them and send them a message somewhere. Now, it is, in fact, VERY easy to physically do that, it isn't as easy as for me to mentally do that. I have too many thoughts going on in my head that prevent me from talking to people. It' snot because I don't WANT to talk to people, it's the simple fact I can't bring myself to do it.
Now, I do know it is because of the depression I suffered through between March 2010 thru March 2011, and I don't know why I have been, but I will continue to do so. I apologize for being depressed. It's honestly nothing that I could help, nor can I help the waves of depression that rack me throughout the year. That was my first time, not being sad, mind you, but being actually completely depressed, and I was neither mentally, nor physically ready for the change in actually -not- controlling/managing my emotions. It broke me down emotionally and I've been slowly building myself back up.
Now, that being said, onto my initial point. Maybe I'm a coward, hiding in my shell, afraid to let something else happen to me. You all know that I've had a terrible last year or so and I don't want it to happen again. It's left me in a messed up, fragile state, and one that I cannot help. Seriously. These facts I have noticed:
1. People STILL give me shit over the fact I had been absent most of last year and this. Although I've explained numerous times why, it still leaves a rather sore spot in trying to talk to people I haven't in a while, because I'm still scared that I'm only going to get crap for it, and due to my emotionally raw state, it's very easy for me to feel like crap and guilty for it, even though logically I should not.
2. Being around has been diminishing in fun a LOT. And it's nobody personal that's causing it. Just a collection of things. I had been a lot more tolerable before but again, with my new emotional outlook, things are a lot harder to overlook. People faling for me and me having to turn them down and the ovewhelming guilt I have to deal with to see them being sad. People that I am unable to get pics for with me and them in it due to my financial state of being, as well as how generally hard it is for me to get it. Having to play counselor all the time to a lot of people, and finally, I mention again, my emotional fragility, making it hard to talk to people makes it less fun since my entire state of being is simply BASED on friendships.
3. Losing friends. It burns. It always does and you all know what its like. And I don't want to hear or thinkg about that BS "It's just the internet and these are just people." It's nonsense. It's what I've grown accustomed to and who becomes part of my very freaking heart. Every loss, is another severed chain. Each chain that holds it up has to do more work because there's less support, and meanwhile, the broken chain slams hard against the ground, causing me much pain. Whether its over some stupid BS reasoning, or because its something legit, it hurts either way.
These factors have left me very...raw. Raw to the point it makes it really hard for me to actually try to be or stay active, contrary to the fact I've actually been trying. But who knows, the fact I do just simply shrink away and hide in my own little corners of the internet, like F-List or whatever, probably does make me seem like a coward. Lord knows I've had plenty of time to recover, according to a lot of people, although I know it isn't true.
So yes, this is where I've been. Simply put, away. I haven't been home lately, haven't been online as often, and I'm just trying to find some factors that will help me go back to being my old, happy, charismatic self.
The good news is I do have a fan, the bad news, I don't know when I'll be ready enough to sign into Trillian/Pidgin again to talk to so many people. I have Skype. My userlist is more limited there, but if you have it, I do invite you to add me. I'm on more often there, than anywhere else.
Again, I ask you all to forgive me for my disappearances, as well as my silences. When I get back to being me. There'll be more artwork seen, more talking from me and the like. Til then though, just bear with me.