For two long years, the Kingdom of Furope flourished under the benevolent, if not somewhat smelly rule of High King Nbowa.
Legends ran across the land and spread like wildfire, as his closest subjects told the peasants and villains of his exploits in the Forest of Further Parody. Soon, word had reached as far as the coasts of the Ocean of Drama, the mightiest sea in the world that once crossed, a soul could never come back from. People all across Furope accepted Nbowa as their High King, some without ever having heard of him before that point, but thanks to his status as a certified popufur, someone not knowing who Nbowa was seemed relatively unlikely.
As part of his service to the land and the knights that assisted him in claiming the legendary blade Excalifur, High King Nbowa gave each of the knights in his party a larger room in his castle, and invited their families to come and live with them, which was really a prank, because he knew that most of his knights were single and had no children. As another act of faux kindness, he made an order for the peasants of the surrounding cities of Furtimore, Tailbend and Wolfcrest to build roads that all went directly back to his castle. It seemed a kind deed at first to improve the thoroughfares throughout the kingdom to something more than wimpy, little paths that were overgrown by grass on both sides, but this was all done so that people could come tell High King Nbowa how awesome he was, and how shiny the legendary blade Excalifur looked.
Despite all of the sarcasm of his grandeur, High King Nbowa was a kind, caring and successful king, and Furope was blossoming under his rule, as the smaller countries that made up the disjointed continent were starting to come together in a unity that everyone was sure could never be broken.
"I can't stand it...I can't stand all of this stupid blossoming! It's such a terrible word to convey the expansion of the rule of a kingdom! What is Nbowa, a flower?"
There was, however, a lining to the expansion of the kingdom, and it wasn't one of silver, but of the most tarnished, unpolished brass, one that threatened to collapse the kingdom on itself if it so much as had the chance.
It didn't seem to help that this particular fur had the ability to read the narrative as the author typed it, giving him some sort of a clairvoyant advantage.
"Tarnished brass? This writer is a dick. Seriously."
I'm not a dick. I'm just drawn that way.
"Whatever you say, pal. That's really not important right now...what's important is that I never let true kingdom of the land, the kingdom of Yotenheim, fall into the hands of the fools who would blindly follow a smelly lion in red shorts!"
"But sir," came a second voice, this one belonging to the trusted advisor of this false king, "Furope is uniting under the rule of High King Nbowa, and his influence grows larger by the day! What chance do we really have to overthrow him?"
"We have no choice, then," said the false king. He gazed out upon the untended fields of his small and paltry kingdom, a wasteland that almost any other king would be ashamed to claim as his own...except that he was a coyote, and found the view of garbage blowing across a barren landscape to be that of his most pleasant dreams. "We shall go to war with the so called 'high king,' and show him that we're not afraid to take back what is rightfully ours! Before the end of this year, I assure you, Tsukari, the world of Furope will kneel at the paws of the mightiest kingdom of all, Yotenheim!"
"Please don't call me by name, sir. I don't want anyone knowing I'm a part of this ridiculous story."
"Too damn bad! You'll play your cameo role and like it!" the king ordered, before he stepped away from the window and walked up the small pedestal that surrounded his throne...a rusty, stinky old garbage can that he kept filled daily, so that he could dive right in whenever his heart desired. "Spread the word around our fair kingdom-
"Fair kingdom? Really?"
"Spread the word," the king interjected, "And make sure that by the end of the month, every able bodied citizen of Yotenheim is ready to march on little smelly lion's stupid castle!"
The king's trusted adviser, who everyone now knew was actually Tsukari (whether or not he wanted anyone to know,) sighed and rested his forehead in a paw, but did his best to make it look like a proper salute to his dumpster diving king. "As you wish, sire," he agreed, before exiting the throne room so that the mysterious (not really) king of Yotenheim could curl up in a ball in his garbage can to plot in peace.
Soon and very soon, he thought, Your kingdom will belong to me, smelly lion!
**
The sun was shining bright in the sky on what was another typical, yet beautiful day in the center of High King Nbowa's kingdom. Furope was the name of the known world, but now that Nbowa had become the ruler of all the land, he changed the name of his castle and the surrounding areas to Lionopolis, deciding it a fitting name for the capital of the entire world. Many of his subjects disagreed, but they quickly forgot that in a proper monarchy, the people had no say in royal decisions, no matter how trivial, and after all, no one was willing to argue with the archaic practice of deciding the ruler of an entire planet by letting someone pull a stone out of a sword, not to mention giving them every conceivable advantage to do so along the way...
...Y'know. Those minor logistics. Not really important stuff.
What was important was the cheerful chirp of the birds, calling out the rising of the sun on a wonderful new day in Lionopolis. Their sweet, peaceful song was a wake up call for the citizens in the surrounding cities, and before too long, townspeople began to groggily walk out of their small homes, still looking and feeling miserable at such an early hour because they lived in a time before coffee was a properly cultivated crop in their part of the world. Still, with the coming of such a gorgeous day, folks did their best to put on a smile and be kind to each other, as they had every other day since High King Nbowa took his place on the throne.
Even in the chambers of his castle, the Great Knights of Furope were starting to stir, with the gentle, golden beams of light that filled their windows. It would be remiss not to point out that none of the knights were morning people, but with the budget of the kingdom being spread back out to the townspeople, there was nothing left in said budget to buy shutters for the windows on the sides of the castle, making it painfully difficult to sleep in past 6:30 AM.
Still, the knights gave it their best effort to resist the coming of the rising sun. Sometimes, they needed a little bit more motivation to get out of bed...like a plot device!
"HELP! SOMEONE HELP! ANYBODY!"
The screams of terror echoed through the great hall in the center of the castle, as a peasant spilled through the front door in a heap, his wounds so grievous that he could scarcely force the front doors open.
Even the sudden plot device of a wounded peasant throwing himself into the castle wasn't enough to move the Great Knights of Furope, or even the High King, himself. His wounds, as desperate and deep as they were, somehow didn't quite keep him from making it up the two massive flights of stairs and around a long, railed walkway that lead to the chambers where the knights were peacefully resting.
Knock knock knock.[/i]
The rapping came upon the door of Huscoon the Stats Guy's sleeping chambers.
"I am trying to sleep! Can you please come back later?!"
"Well, uh...no. I'm kinda dying."
"Can you die a bit more quietly, then?"
"No, but I can die a lot louder, if you like!"
Knowing that his chance at rest had been lost to the powers that be, Huscoon The Stats Guy begrudgingly stood up from his bed and unlatched the door, swinging it open to see a small, weakened peasant standing in the hallway. His wounds were deep, jagged and entirely lacking in professional work...and Huscoon immediately knew what species had to be responsible for such a sloppy attempt at murder.
"Kind villager, you've clearly been attacked by coyotes! Tell me, where do you hail from, and who did this to you?"
"I know not their names or faces," the peasant admitted, proving himself to be a truly useless plot device. "I can only tell you that they were coyotes, and their leader was a truly smelly, devious yote, lacking of tact and restraint!"
The peasant, a simple and small calico cat, collapsed to the floor and slumped against the wall. Huscoon the Stats Guy knelt by his side to aide him, but it was too late to prevent his wounds from capturing his life. The ruckus of the whole event forced the other Great Knights of Furope to finally rise from their beds and see what all of the commotion was, but it was all for naught. "Tell me, peasant...with your dying act, was this so called 'king' aided by a blue dinosaur?"
"I...t-think...so..."
The light behind his bright green eyes slowly faded into nothingness, and his breathing came to a sudden halt. The Great Knights of Furope lowered their heads in respect as they stood around the fallen peasant, who, in his final breath, managed to find at least a little redemption and reason to even be in the story at all.
"We cannot stand idly by and wait for the same fate to befall even more of our subjects!" Huscoon the Stats Guy declared, as he stood up and addressed the other knights. "We must notify High King Nbowa of what has transpired, post haste!"
"But our king must have his 18 daily hours of sleep!" Atimist the Strong But Really Small reminded his fellow knight. "If we wake him, who knows what the consequences might be!"
Arcturus the Bolton sided immediately with Huscoon. "That's during a time of peace, Atimist! This is surely a time of war, and we've got no time to lose! We must prepare for battle!"
Chutora the Momma's Boy and Bluemoon the Overbearing nodded their agreement, as Doxial the Nibbler did what he did best in times of great tension, and nibbled on Huscoon's ankle.
"Then it's settled. We shall take the great risk of waking our king, and alert him of the dangers to come!"
A bright light, even greater than that of the still rising sun, filled the hallway of the knight's chambers and nearly blinded all of them. They couldn't see that it was the glimmering light of the legendary blade Excalifur, and until it subsided when High King Nbowa returned it to the scabbard, no one could see that the often sleeping royalty was, in fact, already awake.
"That won't be necessary," High King Nbowa declared, as he stood proud before his Great Knights of Furope. "This sword is pretty nifty, and it already notified me of the fact that our kingdom is in danger...not just Castle Lion, but all of Lionopolis, and perhaps, the entire world of Furope!"
"...Your sword is talking to you now? I'm going to have to change your name to Turin Turambar or something. Next thing I know, I'll find you banging your sister and stabbing yourself to death or something!"
Never one to be outdone for a dramatic entrance, a familiar face stood behind High King Nbowa, and the sudden presence startled the smelly lion so much that he jumped back into the ranks of his knights, only to let out a massive sigh of relief when he saw the identity of the snark.
"Our kind Arbiter has returned to us! I should have suspected that you would make your presence known again soon, but why have the fates delivered you to us this time?"
Joshiah, the Arbiter of Large and Powerful Fantasy Weapons and a super long name that eats up the word count, looked extremely bored as he stood in a door way with his arms crossed. "Because the fates hate me and decided I had to make an appearance in this story, basically...oh, and I'm supposed to tell you that even with the Excalifur, you guys are still totally outmatched by the impending coyote army, so we have to find one more mystical object to level the playing field."
"This sounds like quite the important piece of information," Bluemoon the Overbearing declared. "Might you tell us more, kind Arbiter, and perhaps without as much sarcasm?"
Joshiah rolled his eyes and rested his forehead in the palm of his paw. "Basically...you guys are doing a pretty good job here, and the powers that be want you to stay in control, but there's simply too many coyotes working for the king of Yotenheim. You guys are going to get completely steamrolled by the sheer numbers of their forces, unless you go out and find one more mystical artifact...but even I don't know where it is, or, specifically, what it is...I've been told to call it "Coyotebane," and only the hermit Kooky Fox knows the location of it. There is one more thing you should know, however..."
Each of the knights and their High King listened in closely for the final piece of information.
"Even if you somehow manage to get the Coyotebane, the king of Yotenheim will be able to resist the powers of the magical weapon, and High King Nbowa will be forced into a super climactic final showdown with him, and it won't be sarcastic or silly at all. It'll be super cool with slow motion shots, zoomed in angles, lens flare and even a little bit of motion blur...so, be ready for that."
"Surely you will accompany us once again and be of assistance to our quest, kind Arbiter?" asked High King Nbowa, as each of his knights nodded in agreement behind him.
"...Do I really have to...?"
"The Arbiter's Guidance Act of 970 A.D. states if an Arbiter is to divulge information about the location or capture of a mystical artifact or weapon, he must accompany the questing group at least until they have located the object, and in the cases of entire kingdoms potentially being overthrown, at least a day after the object has been secured."
Yet another random entrance, and no doubt the worst one for Joshiah since he started the story, was presented by The Guardian of Excalifur.
"...I thought we were friends, man."
"We are friends, and I'm doing you a favor, friend, by helping you follow the rules so you don't get fired!"
Joshiah groaned and poked Lan or Gren between the eyes. "I'm this close to just being able to retire. I am totally phoning this in anyway, and I don't want to go on this stupid adventure. The coyotes are actually killing people. That's pretty dark for this insanely sarcastic story."
"You're an extremely important character, though! You're directly relevant to the plot! There's no way you'll get killed off...unless George R.R. Martin is writing this thing."
"I dunno..." Huscoon the Stats Guy murmured. "I'm running the numbers right now, and considering how many dangerous and mystical quests he's been on, I'd figure his number has to be coming up sooner or later...probably sooner."
"Well, if I die, I can finally take a break from accompanying insane travelers like you on these otherwise pointless quests...so...I'll take my chances. Thanks for signing my death warrant, Langren!"
"It's Lan or Gren!"
Joshiah grinned. "Okay, Langren. High King Nbowa, Great Knights of Furope, put on your best armor and prepare for battle, because today, we march...on Kooky Fox!"
There was a sudden beam of light, like the first time Joshiah had appeared, and before it faded, both he and The Guardian of Excalifur were gone, but just outside of the walls of Castle Lion, everyone could hear them bickering still, no doubt going on and on about how Joshiah just wanted to retire, and how he refused to properly address The Guardian of Excalifur.
"You heard them, my Great Knights of Furope! The hermit known as Kooky Fox lives in a small cave at the edge of town, according to our latest census! We must make way for his cave immediately and extract from him the location of this newest, greatest artifact!"
"This will be no easy task, High King!" Atimist the Small But Really Strong suggested. "When a fox has taken residence in a cave and decided to be a hermit, there is nothing in the world that can lure them to come out!"
"I'm sure we can think of something," Doxial the Nibbler chimed in, finally releasing Huscoon's ankle from his jaws. "We have two foxes in our party, and Joshiah, the Arbiter of Large and Powerful Fantasy Weapons has some fox blood in him! I'm sure we can solve the riddle of Kooky Fox, and in due time, nibble the coyote army to death!"
"...Maybe we should try something a bit more lethal than nibbles," Chutora the Momma's Boy theorized.
"Indeed. Nibbles won't be sufficient for destroying an entire army of coyotes," High King Nbowa agreed. "But no doubt, if we find ourselves in possession of the Coyotebane, there will be no force in all of Furope that can stop us!"
The knights were invigorated by the confidence of their king, and in their haste to rush into battle, they each returned to their rooms to don their decorative armor. It was the first time since the kingdoms had been united under the rule of High King Nbowa that the Great Knights of Furope would ride as one into battle again, and they were eager to look their best for the citizens of Lionopolis.
It wouldn't be enough for them to look their best, however, if they wanted to have a chance against the mighty and massive army of Yotenheim.
**
Inside a poorly illuminated den, with the only light coming from the dull wick of a long overused candle, Kooky Fox of the Legendary Brush sat by his lonesome, sliding the soft, bristled tip of the aptly named Legend Brush over a canvas with a painful sigh.
"If only I were half the artist that I should be," Kooky lamented to himself, "Then I might be able to come out of this den and show the world what I can really do!"
The cave that Kooky Fox had holed himself up in was a legendary underground hole, one that was often impossible to find for inexplicable reasons. These situations, sometimes called 'downtimes,' lent the logic that gave credence to the name of the cave: The hidden cave of furaffinity. Thanks to his decision to hide there, and the subversive nature of the cave itself, Kooky Fox found it nearly impossible to get out, as every time he went for the door, he heard voices telling him that "He'd be back," and that "Nobody leaves furaffinity forever." Those voices, combined with the demonic brush that he wielded, kept him a hermit, one that was in desperate need of help...and who better to help him than the Great Knights of Furope?
...Y'know, if they could find him.
"Joshiah...I know you didn't really want to come on this quest, but if you're seriously just marching us around in circles in the forests outside of Lionopolis in the hopes that we're going to drop dead...well...you're actually very close to accomplishing that goal."
The desperate, tired pleas of High King Nbowa came in slow, panted breaths, as the lion followed Joshiah around in a circle for what had to be at least the hundredth time, but the Arbiter of Large and Powerful Fantasy Weapons was not deterred. "Listen, I know this sounds crazy, but sometimes, you just have to walk around and wait for the magical cave of furaffinity to appear. No doubt, it's in the magical period of refraction known as downtime, when it becomes invisible to the naked eyes of mortal men."
"This cave of furaffinity sounds like more trouble than it could ever be worth," Huscoon the Stats Guy grumbled, his own tired paws trudging through the path of grass that they were slowly killing by walking over it so many times.
"There's a lot of people in the Mythical Guardian community that fully agree with you," Joshiah pointed out, but at the risk of getting banned, he decided to cut the parody a little bit short, instead opting to notice something that he hadn't noticed the first hundred times that they walked around a rather peculiar looking bunch of pine trees. "...Hark, Great Knights of Furope! Do you hear what I hear?"
"It sounds whiny..."
"Kinda like a whimper?"
"Yiff?"
"Exactly!" Joshiah decreed! "It's the sound of a fox! Kooky Fox of the Legendary Brush must be near by!"
The blade of the Excalifur started to shine a bright, white light, the same way that it did when High King Nbowa first pulled it from the rather lewdly shaped stone in the Forest of Further Parody. Apparently, the sword not only spoke to him when there were times of danger, but it also illuminated the area when other objects of great, mystical importance were near, so it wouldn't be a total ripoff of the legendary blade Sting.
"The light upon my sword shines the most brightly to the north!" High King Nbowa declared, and he pointed his sword directly due north, only for the side of a dale in the path that they'd carved to suddenly fill with bright, magical light. Reinvigorated with a new sense of purpose, the Great Knights of Furope rushed to the source of the light like a group of poor furries rallying to an artist offering free icons and surrounded the once glorious light, nearly smothering it with their tight cluster. "Surely, this must be the magical cave of furaffinity!"
Joshiah, the Arbiter of Large and Powerful Fantasy Weapons, groaned. "Trust me, magical is not the word I would use..."
"And what word would you use?"
"...Clusterfuck."
Bluemoon the Overbearing covered Chutora the Momma's Boy's ears, while High King Nbowa knocked on the front door of the cave, now that they'd found what they were questing for. "Hello? Is anyone home? This is the great and powerful High King Nbowa, and I wish to have audience with the legendary Kooky Fox!"
There was a moment of silence as the Great Knights of Furope waited for an answer, before they could hear the tiniest tapping of footpaws along a dirt floor. The door to the cave, once thought to open only when no one was really paying attention, slowly creeeeeeeeeaked[/i] open, just enough for Kooky Fox to poke his muzzle and one eye through a seam.
"Wish to have an audience? Seriously, who talks like that?"
"Well, I am a king," Nbowa pointed out, "And I can talk however I damn well please!"
"I've never met you before, and you've never done anything to be my king, so that logic doesn't really follow," Kooky pointed out, the door already starting to close a little bit. "State your business here, before I lose what's left of my patience!"
"Please don't shut the door! We are in desperate need of your assistance! You may be able to save our entire kingdom!" High King Nbowa pleaded. "Joshiah, The Arbiter of Large and Powerful Fantasy Weapons, has informed us that you are the only person in the whole kingdom who knows the location of the Coyotebane!"
"And if I do...?"
"Well...we need it."
"For?"
"Winning a war that's going to take place in an undetermined amount of time against an army that we've never actually seen."
"Do you need the Coyotebane, or a nuclear deterrent?"
"What's 'nuclear'...?"
"Never mind," Kooky Fox said with a heavy sigh. "Look, I know where the weapon is, but I'm not really in the business of helping a bunch of self righteous jerks kill potentially thousands of people, so...I'm not gonna tell you where it is."
"But-
SLAM![/i] The door slammed closed right in the face of the High King, pushing out a rush of dank, dingy air. The great joy and vigor that the Great Knights felt only moments before was completely dashed, as they now stood in the reality that without the Coyotebane, they would soon be overrun, and their peaceful rule over the glorious lands of Furope was destined to come to an end.
"Well, we did the best that we could, everyone...but we can't give up just because we don't have the legendary weapon! We still have Excalifur, and our order will never die so long as we believe!"
Even the crickets refused to chirp at High King Nbowa's cliche declaration, and everyone stood in foreboding silence as they looked at each other quizzically, each one hoping that an answer would just fall out of the sky...what they didn't know is that they'd have to look right under their noses for a solution.
"Let's...uh...let's all go back into town and get drunk before we die. I'm buying."
Normally that kind of news would have brought a thunderous cheer, but this time, there was only a half-hearted groan of sadness as the Great Knights of Furope started to walk away from the cave...all except for Atimist the Strong But Very Small, who'd crept just inside the seam of the door when Kooky Fox had opened it. With less of a creek and more of a swing, the door flung open again, as Atimist unlocked it from the inside, hanging on the doorknob like it was part of a thrill ride.
"EVERYONE! I'VE BROKEN IN! BUM RUSH THE CAVE!"
The Great Knights turned around in shock, but when they saw the door opened, instinct kicked in and they rushed for the entry, blowing right past Atimist the Strong But Very Small and into the inner workings of the cave...which were really just a giant jumbled mess of broken down, alien technology...there were wires coming out of strange, metallic boxes, many of them burned and slumped over from years of abuse and overloading.
"They're called servers," Kooky Fox said with another heavy sigh, "And apparently I should have locked the door a bit more soundly."
Surrounding the other walls of the cave, however, were not alien technology, but sheets of canvas and paper that were adorned with some of the most wonderful drawings that anyone in the Great Knights had ever seen, some of them simply cast to the floor despite their amazing quality.
"Of course...he has the Legend Brush! It's no wonder that he's being such a di-...I mean a hermit!"
High King Nbowa turned to Joshiah. "The Legend Brush?"
"It's another powerful and mystical artifact. It helps a talented artist realize their full potential, but it causes them to lose all confidence in the ability of their work, so they cannot become a legend...it's kind of a stupid name for the object, given the nature of it, but...it's kind of a stupid object, too. That's just cruel, honestly."
"My artwork really is terrible, though!" Kooky Fox protested, but no one was listening to him whatsoever. They were all picking up the different assortment of artwork that he'd been cursed to churn out over the months since he'd found the Legend Brush, and sure enough, everyone was smiling, staring in awe at the incredible talent of the hermit artist. "Hey! Stop it! Stop enjoying that stuff!"
"But it's good!" Chutora the Momma's Boy explained. "Like...it's really good! Why do you even need the Legend Brush?"
"He doesn't," Joshiah replied, "But he has to figure out for himself how to get rid of the cursed brush and bring himself back into the light."
"Joshiah...how long do we have until the armies of Yotenheim march on Lionopolis and destroy everything that we hold dear?"
"For the sake of the plot? About three days, one of which you'll now have to spend walking back to the kingdom since it took us all day to find this place."
"Screw waiting!" Huscoon the Stats Guy exclaimed, as he put down the drawing that he was so fully admiring and grabbed Kooky Fox by the arm instead, trying to rend the Legend Brush out of his paws. "Here's the deal, Kooky: I'm gonna break that brush, and you're gonna tell us where we can find Coyotebane, or everyone here is gonna die. Does that sound agreeable to you?"
"But I need it..." Kooky Fox growled, his eyes starting to turn a foul shade of green as the cursed magic of the evil brush tried to keep him from giving it away. "I can't live without it! It's the pre-
"Please don't call it the precious..."
"...It's the...uhm...adjectives, adjectives... it's the desired! Kooky needs the brush!"
He's completely lost his sanity! Huscoon the Stats Guy realized. We can't allow this poor peasant to live like this any longer!
Kooky cackled as if he were one of the invading coyotes, or perhaps worse still, a hyena, as he refused to give up his grip on the brush. No matter how Huscoon tried to pry it free from his paw, the cursed magic kept it in place. It seemed that the prediction was true; only Kooky Fox himself could get rid of the brush, but no one knew exactly how to get it away from him.
This time, no singular knight that could prove their valor, but only all of the knights, working together as a team, could free Kooky from the darkness. Doxial the Nibbler did what he did best, and nibbled at Kooky's wrist to tickle his muscles, while Huscoon the Stats Guy continued to use excessive force on his paws. Chutora the Momma's Boy lectured Kooky on the merits of what the world outside of the cave of furaffinity had to offer him, and Bluemoon the Overbearing loomed over him with her legendary war hammer, the sight of which alone was enough to free a pawtip from the grip of the Legend Brush. Atimist the Strong But Very Small stood on the bridge of Kooky's muzzle, trying to help him to see something other then the brush that had cursed him, but it wasn't until Arcturus the Bolton used the most powerful, magical song in his arsenal, and one that couldn't have been more fitting to the situation if this had been written into the story on purpose.
"Let it go..."
Kooky's rigid figure and cursed appearance both took a pause, just for a moment. "...What...?"
"Let it go!"
"...Don't! Not that song again! I finally got away from it!"
"Can't hold it back anymore!"
A bright, eerie green light poured out of Kooky's eyes as his body became suspended in the air, and the power of Disney marketing ploys, combined with Arcturus' wonderful voice, finally freed Kooky from the binds of his cursed entrapment. His paws released the Legend Brush, and before anyone else in the group could take it, High King Nbowa sliced the handle in half with Excalifur, destroying the evil magic that it once held with the crying screams of a million Commissioner Beware posts.
The display struck fear into the hearts of the Great Knights, but when it was all over, Kooky was resting on the soft, lush grass outside the cave, which had vanished entirely with the destruction of the Legend Brush. Somewhere off in the distance, one hundred thousand furries could be heard crying in frustration that "FA was down once again."
"T-thank you...thank you all so much..." Kooky said, his voice still raspy as the cursed magic leaving his body took a harsh toll on his physicality. "You have truly p-proven yourselves to me, as honest, kind-hearted knights...so I will tell you the location of Coyotebane. The true kingdom of Furope must...nng... must not be allowed to fall!"
All of the Great Knights of Furope stood and waited on bated breath, their ears perked forward and their eyes full of wonder as their dreams were soon to become a reality. Their minds were in a whirlwind of imagination, each one of the knights picturing their own idea of what something as legendary as Coyotebane could possibly be. Certainly, it would be no ordinary fantasy weapon, and whether it was a sharp sword, a mighty axe, or a massive pole-arm, the knights were nearly salivating at the idea of such a deadly weapon that anyone could wield, rather than just a High King.
"The legendary Coyotebane...can be found in only one place. There is a wolf, or rather, a wulf...a Wolven Wulf..."
"Are you being redundant on purpose?" High King Nbowa asked, now tapping his footpaw impatiently.
"No, I'm just still recovering from being possessed by a deadly and haunted artifact. Gimme a minute here..."
And so they did, and nothing of note happened in the following minute, and nothing was said, and it was extremely awkward.
"His name," Kooky continued, "Is Wolven Wulf, and he's the shortest canine in the land. His size may be of some use to you."
Atimist the Strong But Really Small raised a brow and crossed his arms. "Hey!"
"Indeed, someone that short could be of use to us! If only we had such a member on our team," Doxial the Nibbler lamented.
"What the hell, guys?"
"I'm sure he'll make a stalwart addition to our team," High King Nbowa agreed. "Where can he be found?"
"I swear to God-
"He lives in a very small nook in a wall, next to a dumpster somewhere in Lionopolis," Kooky told them, cutting Atimist off in the process. "I'm sure that if you can find him, he will hand over the Coyotebane quite easily."
"Of course!" Arcturus the Bolton cried. "You must be talking about the Dumpster of Howls! I often sing by it because the strange howling that comes from it harmonizes so well with my own voice...we should head there immediately!"
The stars were already starting to peek out in the soft blue of the darkening night sky. "Uhm...can it wait til tomorrow?" High King Nbowa asked, who was now far overdue for his usual ridiculous amount of sleep per day.
"Perhaps we should consult the Arbiter. He did say that we only have three days to prepare for the invasion!"
"...You guys know that I have no idea how fast the coyotes are actually getting here, or if they're actually planning an invasion at all, right?"
In a moment of pure exasperation, the Great Knights of Furope fell over in the grass, completely exhausted, and finally fed up with the sarcastic attitude of their would-be guide.
"So we've been rushing around all day, trying to find Kooky Fox for nothing?!"
"Well...after the last quest you guys all went on, I wanted to present this one with a bit more of a sense of urgency, because...I frankly didn't have any faith in you guys to get things done in a timely fashion if you thought you had a month or a year to prepare for the invasion."
"Uhm...Mr. Arbiter..." Kooky Fox interrupted, "Isn't that a small troop of coyotes over there?"
In the fading sunlight, a small silhouette of several smaller, scraggly canines started to appear on the horizon, and what began as just a few shadows quickly expanded into ten, and over time, into over a hundred. Their yellow eyes, glowing like dots of golden hatred in the distance, were narrowed on the Great Knights of Furope, and truth was starting to dawn on them...
Coyotes were mindless zombies that thankfully moved very, very slowly, and it meant that they would have plenty of time to find Wolven Wulf before the coyotes were actually anywhere near close enough to be considered a threat.
"Huh. How about that shit..." the Arbiter of Large and Powerful Fantasy Weapons said with a quick chuckle. "I guess I was right! No sleep for you guys, then, it's off to find Wolven Wulf and the Coyotebane so you can save your kingdom...or...or not, really. I'm technically one quarter coyote, so...I kinda...don't...care."
"YOU'RE ONE OF THEM?!" High King Nbowa roared at the top of his lungs, pointing the Excalifur at the man he once referred to as a guide. "I should have expected such treachery from you...no one could be that snarky, unless they were at least partly a coyote!"
"Damn it, Nbowa... do you really think I'm one of them? Seriously? Like...do you realize how hard I'm going to get crucified on Twitter when the coyotes lose the final battle in this story?"
"Well, until this battle is over, we can't be sure if you're a friend or a foe...Kooky Fox! As your High King, I charge you with the task of keeping an eye on this two faced Arbiter and making sure he isn't secretly sending signals to the enemy! My Great Knights of Furope, we must ignore our need for rest and make haste to Wolven Wulf!"
Tired, desperate and strung out, but not yet defeated, the Great Knights of Furope rallied behind their king and took off blindly into the night, following High King Nbowa back down the path that Joshiah, the Arbiter of Large and Powerful Fantasy Weapons had taken them on, so they had no idea where they were going. It would only be by chance that they would ever make it back to Lionopolis, and if not for the sake of the story having a happy ending, you can bet your fuzzy asses that they wouldn't have.
Joshiah and Kooky Fox, meanwhile, sat around in the field where the cave of furaffinity once rested, a field better known as Imvunica.
"If we just sit around and wait here, those coyotes are gonna reach us and kill us eventually, right?"
"That's right," Joshiah replied.
"...And that exempts us from the rest of the story?"
"Sure does."
"Huh...you like playing charades?"
**
Exhaustion was starting to win over the Great Knights of Furope as they made their way back into the outskirts of Lionopolis. They'd wandered the entire night through, guided by nothing more than the light of the silvery moon, the dotted maps of the stars, and the fortune of being the good guys in this story, meaning that the plot would have dictated that they found their way back to town somehow, and the author was just a little bit too lazy to write about them walking around in circles for six more hours.
Dirty from wandering around in the Forest of Further Parody and tired of doing nothing but walking to do anything other than advance the plot, even High King Nbowa was having trouble motivating his troops to keep on marching, but there was good news to be had for the weary knights.
"There are only two dumpsters in all of Lionopolis, since we turned the dumpster once known as Rainfurrest into a literal dumpster fire, and the first of the two dumpsters that remains is right outside of Castle Lion...so the dumpster that Wolven Wulf resides in must be on the far side of town!"
"High King Nbowa..." Atimist the Strong But Very Small muttered, "Aren't we currently on the far side of town?"
"Did anyone else hear that?" Huscoon the Stats Guy asked, as he looked around with tired, drooping eyes. "I feel like there was a tiny voice among our ranks, as if we had a knight who was smaller than the rest of us, but still valuable, just like Wolven Wulf will be..."
Atimist was convinced that everyone was mocking him on purpose at that point, and decided to act in kind, refusing to directly assist the other knights until High King Nbowa gave him the respect he actually deserved...which wasn't likely to happen anytime soon.
"I didn't hear anything," High King Nbowa proclaimed, "But no doubt, we are very close to the dumpster, and running extremely low on time...whether it's the smell of hot garbage coming from the dumpster, or the smell of coyotes getting ready to attack, but the kingdom is really starting to stink, and I can't take it anymore!"
"Like you can smell anything over your own nasty lion pelt..." Atimist groaned.
Once again, his clever words were ignored, but the Great Knights of Furope each picked a corner of the neighborhood, now that they couldn't be sure if they were smelling the dumpster or not. They were reduced to using sight, and their weary eyes could scarcely tell a dumpster from a house, after their exhausting quest.
It was only their rude nature, waking the citizens of Lionopolis before even the morning birds came to sing their lovely song, that revealed the location of the dumpster to them.
"Are you guys bloody serious? It's five in the morning! How is a wolf supposed to sleep when you're all out stomping in the dirt and crying about how no one listens to you?!"
The Great Knights of Furope all stopped in their tracks, immediately looking at their footpaws in the fear that they might have stomped the last hope for their kingdom to death. Ironically, it was the complaints of Atimist the Strong But Very Small that finally caused him to come out of hiding, and Atimist himself who was the first to see him. Having been ignored one too many times, however, Atimist was finally at the end of his wits.
"LISTEN HERE YOU STUPID, SMELLY LITTLE WOLF. I have been wandering around for the last 36 hours with these morons, and all they've done is ignore me and talk about how useful you're going to be when you effectively replace me, so do all of us a favor and show us where the hell the Coyotebane is, so we can finish having you be a part of the story, because it sounds to me like you just get overlooked all the time, and frankly, I'm feeling rather short with your inclusion, and I don't know why a tiny wolf like you would have a place in such a tall tale!"
Seven other sets of jaws were hanging down in shock as Atimist the Strong But Very Small was no longer ignored. His rant would become infamous, and go down in the history books as the "Declaration of Coyotebane," the famous speech that would finally lead the heroes of Furope to their victory over the slowly invading coyote army.
It was also one of the meanest speeches ever given, and an ironic one, coming from the fox who was actually just slightly shorter than Wolven Wulf himself.
"...Y'know, you could have just asked nicely...and you didn't even have to ask, since it's sitting right next to us, anyway..."
Wolven Wulf did his best to fight back the tears as he pointed to his side, to the dumpster that blocked the entrance to his house just enough to keep it hidden. There, in all of the glory that it couldn't possibly capture due to it being filled with the garbage of an entire growing village, was...a dumpster.
"Wait a minute. That...? That's Coyotebane?" High King Nbowa asked, kneeling down to come down to Wolven Wulf's level.
"Well, yeah. What were you expecting?"
"An axe, or a sword, or a spear, or a hammer, hell, a freaking boomerang, but...not a dumpster!"
"Since you started the Great Knights of Furope, you've had countless, violent battles, one after another. In your experience, winning a war would be nothing more than a series of violent battles, perhaps without end...but in this battle to come, your victory will be swift and painless with Coyotebane on your side, and the violence will be minimized, since this story can't be rated any higher than mature."
"That follows pretty well, actually...may we take the Coyotebane from you, then?"
"It's your kingdom, your majesty, but...since this little micro fox was such a dick to me, I think maybe we should have to work out a trade of sorts!"
"Our kingdom will surely fall without this relic," Chutora the Momma's Boy believed aloud. "Whatever the cost is, you name it, and we'll find a way to make your trade!"
"I just want a new house, man. I live behind a dumpster. Do you have any idea how disgusting that is?"
"Such an important peasant as yourself shouldn't be relegated to such paltry living arrangements. I shall make a special nook for you in the Castle Lion in exchange for the dumpster, and that is the best I can offer!"
It was an earnest offer from High King Nbowa, and while Wolven Wulf knew that he was in a situation where he held all the cards, he didn't relish in the thought of being a morsel for the impending coyote invasion, especially since he'd already been bathed in the scent of hot garbage for the last several years. There was no way he would escape their clutches once they arrived.
"All right, a deal is a deal, your majesty! I expect my nook to be ready the day after this war is over...now go! Don't overlook the task at hand!"
"...Hehe. Overlook. Wolven's short."
"SHUT UP, HUSCOON!"
The race against time, and their own exhaustion, was officially on, and now, the Great Knights of Furope were armed with the ultimate weapon against their enemy.
**
The king of the coyote army had marched his troops, numbering over 10,000, all the way across the lands of Furope, slowly conquering the tiny villages that stood in their path, diving into the garbage cans and chasing away villagers with their awful breath and terrible sense of hygiene. There were very few actual casualties, and those that were incurred were often caused by suffocation, because their bodies refused to breath in the miasma of filth that followed the coyotes on their war path.
"If not for the discovery of the Scepter of Garbage, my plan might have never worked...we coyotes are an unruly bunch. But with this scepter in my hand, I can control any coyote that I can see! Nothing can stop us now, Tsukari...and we're only minutes away from the outside edge of Lionopolis!"
"Sire...hasn't this carried on long enough? What will you really accomplish by conquering the whole land of Furope, anyway? If the power of the scepter is limited by your vision, won't the coyotes just run rampant and destroy everything every time you go to sleep at night...?"
"...You are just determined to take all of the fun out of living, aren't you?"
"Well, they would probably destroy everything. And I'm kind of a part of everything."
"The Castle Lion will be modified to suit our needs, Tsukari. Each night, we will sleep safely in the top of the towers, locked away from all of the destruction, until the morning light comes, and I can control my coyote army again! Furope will be nothing more than my plaything, and King Smelly Shorts will be nothing but a distant memory!"
"Woah woah woah. You're gonna kill him?"
"Yeah. Wouldn't you?"
Tsukari, the blue Yoshi turned adviser to a king, had no proper reply that didn't put his life in jeopardy.
"That's what I thought. And look at this...the sun is rising to greet me on the first day of the new kingdom to be established...the kingdom of coyotes will never fall!"
As the king of coyotes marched his troops across a wide, open green pasture that slowly turned into a filthy, tumbleweed-ridden desert as they crossed it, the sun illuminated not a sense of hope for the would-be king, but a sense of horror, as all of the Great Knights of Furope stood stalwart at the edge of town, completely exhausted, worn out and ready to sleep where they stood...but still, they were standing.
Mostly.
"Your small ranks stand in the face of an unstoppable army, King Smelly Shorts! Is this your pathetic attempt to beg us for mercy?"
Golden beams illuminated the face of the king of the coyotes...and High King Nbowa wasn't one bit surprised to see who his nemesis had come to be. "...Tama, the coyote 'king.' First of all, that's High King Nbowa to you, and second, you'll be the one begging for mercy when we're through with you!"
In a scene that may as well have been stolen from the Avengers, High King Nbowa and the Great Knights of Furope stood in the face of a massive army devoid of personality because of their brainwashed minds, with one person in front of them, pulling all of the strings and thinking he deserved to be a king.
Unlike the Avengers, however, this story pulled the "Phantom Menace" card before the massive final battle had a chance to take place.
"My army looms over you, ready to devour your pathetic knights and destroy your kingdom on my command...what chance could you pathetic knights and your stupid red shorts possibly have?"
"Great Knights of Furope! Bring forth Coyotebane!"
Tama felt his entire body seize up with panic so great that he dropped his scepter to the torrid ground and watched in disbelief as the mystical dumpster that was Coyotebane was rolled up to the middle of the field, pushed up with the last vestiges of strength that the Great Knights of Furope had. Even in the face of the terrible smell, the knights fell unconscious in the wake of the tire treads as their bodies could no longer carry on...
...And then, there was a stampede, and the air filled with a rumbling as great as the loudest thunder. The coyotes were completely free of their brainwashing at the hands of Tama, only to be hypnotized once again to move with supernatural speed at Coyotebane. They piled upon each other as they fought for room in and around the dumpster, until all 10,000 of the coyotes in the army were literally stacked in a large, smelly, fuzzy mountain of pleasured groans.
"...Well met, King Smelly Shorts, but your knights are defeated by...well...I'm not sure what happened to them; all that matters is that they're on the ground! It's just you and I, now, and you don't stand a chance against the king of coyotes!"
The reality of size and strength came crashing down on Tama, as Nbowa, being a lion, was much larger and stronger than the coyote. He marched forth, keeping his rightful place as the High King of Furope, and shoved Tama over to the ground in the field. His adviser, Tsukari, smiled as innocently as he could and knelt at the footpaws of the true king, looking for forgiveness, though he really hadn't done anything wrong.
"Run on back to Yotenheim and eat some garbage or something," High King Nbowa ordered, sending Tama into exile (But not like that. Giggity.) "Your army is defeated, and the sun is shining on a brand new day in the kingdom of Lionopolis!"
"That is so awful and cheesy!" Tama groaned, standing up and dusting himself off. He abandoned the army that carried him all the way into the once forbidden lands of Nbowa's kingdom and walked away, huffing at the sky, as if there was someone controlling his fate, keeping him from having what should have been an assured victory for the coyotes.
Tsukari looked around. The field outside of Lionopolis was ruined, the Great Knights of Furope were passed out, and the coyote army was permanently melded into a disgusting body of flesh and fur that was dry humping over the smell of a dumpster.
"Uhm...the...I guess great battle for Furope is over! Lionopolis is victorious! All hail High King Nbowa!"
With a yawn as great as any lion had ever released before, Nbowa raised Excalifur to the sky and passed out in the barren field, long overdue for his rest...
...and everyone was disappointed with the final battle.
**
In the aftermath of the great war, one that was blown up in the history books to seem a lot longer and more deadly than it actually was, peace had fully returned to Lionopolis, and the fates had smiled upon the Great Knights of Furope once again. Each of their rooms had been expanded with an increased budget that came from stealing all of the resources from Yotenheim, since no one lived there anymore. Wolven Wulf was given the nook in the kingdom as promised, but because it ended up taking two days instead of happening the next day, High King Nbowa had to give up a much larger portion of his throne room to compensate.
Joshiah and Kooky Fox survived, thanks to the sudden stop of the slowly advancing coyote army, but their fates were divided. In the aftermath of his freedom from the Legend Brush, Kooky Fox rose to fame once again as one of the greatest artists in all of Furope. Joshiah, on the other hand, was tried for treason, even though he didn't bear any true allegiance to the kingdom of Lionopolis, and though he was found innocent, High King Nbowa still sentenced him to a week working in the fanciest restaurant in the kingdom, mostly because that meant he would have to handle lobsters on a daily basis. For even worst fortune, Joshiah was fired from being the Arbiter of Large and Powerful Fantasy Weapons, because he technically abandoned the people he was supposed to be guiding to Coyotebane, even though it was on the orders of a king that he was to be left behind. Lan or Gren appealed to have his job returned, but since Joshiah was literally weeks away from retirement, they decided to cut him off before he could start collecting benefits, leaving him the most bitter person in the entire kingdom.
"What are your orders for the day, High King Nbowa?"
Tsukari had been spared in an act of mercy, and was now the royal adviser for High King Nbowa. He proved to be a useful asset to the king, though he occasionally found himself running for his life when Nbowa went too long between meals.
"Is Coyote Mountain still contained?"
The coyotes that had followed Tama blindly into battle were mentally freed, but Coyotebane kept them from straying, and so, they stayed as a massive pile on top of the legendary dumpster, and made an interesting landmark just outside of Lionopolis.
"It is indeed, sire."
"Good...good. There are no other orders for the day, then...It's already almost three in the afternoon."
"Why does that matter, sire?"
"Because it's late! I should be setting down for my six hour nap already..."
Tsukari gave leave of his new king so that he could rest, while the Great Knights of Furope gathered around the wall where the only person to actually be seen dying in the story once rested. In the wall, they'd carved: In memory of Plot Device Cat. May he be welcomed into Furry Heaven by Jesus Fox with all of the grace and goodness that a bit character deserves.
Yes, things were peaceful again in Furope...but how long could it possibly last?
I'd wager about another month and a half, when I open for commissions again in November.
Bluemooncrystalwolf!
