-A large wolf, wearing a suit and a pair of glasses, is seated at a desk in a large studio. A couch is positioned off to the side of the desk and just behind both is a mock panorama of an East Coast city with a West Coast feel. Upon the desk is a ceramic mug on which is written “Late Night with Romulus Wolf”-
Romulus: Welcome back to the show everybody. We’ve got a great show for you tonight... I’ll be interviewing those suspiciously polite gophers Mac ‘n’ Tosh from the WB. Maybe they can shed some light on just what those bozos they work for were smoking when they came up with that whole ‘Loonatics’ thing... y’know, before I eat ‘em that is. I mean, did you see those things, Honk? That whole Bugs Bunny of the future thing?
-Honker the wolf, standing at a keyboard wearing a pair of shades, nods his head rapidly before sticking his tongue out in disgust-
Romulus: Yeah, it’s just hideous! They look evil. But, before we can get to that we’ve got a Top Ten list to get out of the way.
-The screen is filled with fancy computer graphics introducing the segment-
Romulus: Wow. Them lasers is something!
Honker: Honk!
-The host pulls out a card and proceeds with the routine-
Romulus: Here we are, ‘The Top Ten Potential Titles for the Latest Fanfic from KS’:
10. There’s Something About Monty
Desiree DeLure [in the audience]: And I know what it is!
Romulus: And if we let you say it the FCC’ll kill us! Yeah, they’ll kill us.
9. The Origin of the Scarlet Squirrel
Romulus: Who?!
Honker: Honk?
Romulus -to Honker-: We’re allowed to use that joke to refer to people other than Zipper.
The Whole Audience: Who?!
Romulus: Heh-heh. We’re the show that encourages audience participation!
8. Mary Sue Gets Married
Romulus: Well it’s about time, what with all the heroing and day-saving she does, she deserves some happiness... or at least more than she’s already getting in all her stories.
Honker: Honk!
Romulus -to Honker-: What do you mean ‘heroing’s not a word? It’s my show and I say heroing’s a word, end of story!
7. The Rescue Rangers: Now With 25% Less Gadget Angst!
Romulus: That one coming on the heels of the latest installment of Gadget in Chains. Maybe they could call this one Gadget Not in Chains.
6. Res Dogs V: So Many Sequels
Romulus: An homage to the Star Trek franchise, as well as the story that started this, uh, line of sequels.
5. Gadget’s Quest 2: The Search for Sparky
Romulus: And the homage continues. -to Honker- They’d make a cute couple... Gadget and Sparky.
-Honker nods his head rapidly-
Romulus: They’d blow up the world... but they’d be cute doing it.
4. Dr Nimnul or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love the Rangers
Romulus: Sounds like that stay in the nuthouse was good for him. It was good for me, I’ll tell ya.
3. Those Mangy Wolves Finally Eat Those Rescue Rodents and Choke on Them
Romulus: Looks like Fat Cat snuck a suggestion in.
2. Take My Bachelor Party, Please
Romulus -to Honker-: I never had a bachelor party, y’know.
Virginia -from somewhere off-stage-: There was a reason for that!
Romulus: Ladies and gentlemunks, my mate, the ‘reason’... the reason I never had a bachelor party. -to Virginia- That’s a lovely harpoon gun you’re brandishing there, Dear. -back to the audience- Why you won’t see me ogling any pretty mice on tonight’s show!
And now, the number one potential title for the latest fanfic from KS:
1. Flight of the CND Party Barge
-Loud applause from the audience-
Romulus: You’ve seen them in the classic WB cartoons, pretending to be Chip ‘n’ Dale...
-There is frantic murmuring off-stage-
Romulus: What do you mean they left?
-More murmuring-
Romulus: Because I was threatening to eat them? That was a joke! Well... dang, there goes the rest of the show.
-Honker shrugs-
Romulus: Well, I guess that’s it. It’s all over except for the screaming. Do we have a clip of that?
-a montage of scenes from the fanfic work-in-progress begins to play-:
-illuminated by the light of an open door, in which stands Chip, an elderly chipmunk is sitting in a wheelchair-
Elder chipmunk -pointing off into the night with his cane-: DE-E-A-A-TH!!!
-a shapely grey squirrel frantically leaps out of a cake into Chip’s lap, screaming-
Squirrel -pointing back at the cake-: THERE’S SOMETHING IN THERE!!!
-the same shapely grey squirrel jumps into Chip’s arms upon seeing a minute human with a reddish nose dressed in green-
Squirrel: AAAAAHHH!!!
-a giant insect wearing coveralls and holding a bucket and squeegee is framed by a metal doorway. The view shifts to that same squirrel as she closes her eyes and raises her paws in fright-
Squirrel: EEEEEEEEK!!!
-there are sirens blaring and red lights flashing everywhere. Chip is almost invisible sandwiched between Dale and, yes, that squirrel, both clinging to him for dear life-
Dale: I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!
Squirrel: I’M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE!!!
-more sirens and flashing red lights surround Darby Spree as he kneels, clasping his hands together-
Darby: SAINTS PRESERVE US!!!
-same sirens and red lights surround the wheelchair-bound chipmunk who is being clung to by a clearly terrified weasel-
Weasel: AAAAAHHH!!!
Elder chipmunk: HE’S TRYING TO EAT ME!!!
-the clip montage ends-
Romulus: Wow! That was some great screaming!
-quick clip of the coveralls wearing insect-
Bug: Soitainly!
The Blessed Day
Chapter One
Once the charter bus had pulled to a stop outside the partially finished casino it’s elderly passengers began to disembark. Below and unobserved, a myriad of smaller passengers, mostly rodents, followed suit. While most of the rodents made for the hidden entrance reserved for the nonhuman patrons, a cluster of five chipmunks, two mated pairs and an elder male in a wheelchair, pulled off towards the other side of the parking lot.
“So this is where it ends,” the elder grumbled, “Left in a field at a construction site.”
“We’re not trying to kill you, Dad,” Chester Maplewood reassured his father... again.
“Gunther, we’re here for Chip’s wedding,” Mary, Chester’s wife pointed out, “Remember?”
“That’s just what you want the neighbor’s to think,” Gunther huffed.
Chester asked rhetorically, “Then why would we bring the neighbors with us?”
“Oh, we’re just such wonderful company,” Don Oakmont chimed in.
“It just wouldn’t be an event without us,” his wife, Danielle added.
“So we can pencil you in for a killing spree next Tuesday?” Mary jested.
“Wouldn’t miss it,” Danielle gleefully responded, “Shall we start with Gunther?”
“But he’ll already be dead,” Chester answered, motioning to his father.
“I KNEW IT!” Gunther hollered, “I knew you were just waiting for the right time to get rid of me!”
“We’re kidding, Dad,” Chester groaned.
Chip and Dale hopped down from the curb at the edge of the parking lot to help their families over. “Mom, Dad,” Chip greeted them happily, “Uh... Grampa.”
“We couldn’t find anyone to keep an eye on him,” Chester explained to his son, “This won’t be a problem will it?”
Chip shrugged, “The more the merrier.”
“Inasmuch as your Grandfather can make things merry,” his mother whispered to him with a smirk.
“Actually, I think everyone agreed ahead of time so that they’d be forced to take him,” Don smiled as he handed his luggage to Dale, who dutifully loaded it aboard the Ranger Wing, “That way the park could get a vacation.”
With the luggage and families stowed, with Chip’s family taking the Ranger Plane, both vehicles and their passengers took flight and wended their way over the city. Into a small clutch of woodland bordering a little stream they descended. The sound of the cold water playing upon the stones over which it flowed provided an odd accompaniment to the sounds of vehicular traffic that came from all sides.
Having landed near the base of a tree overlooking the miniature valley through which the stream flowed, the two families parted ways. Dale led his parents to the higher apartments which were preferred by the chipmunks and squirrels. Chip led his family towards the residences nearer the ground where the mice preferred to settle and where they were to meet their future in-laws. But before they could enter the subterranean passages they were met near the entrance by two female mice.
“Mom, Dad... Grampa,” Chip began, motioning to the two, “I’d like you to meet my fiancé and her mother... Doohickey and Amanda.” Then, motioning to his own family, continued, “Dee... Mom, these are my parents, Chester and Mary... and my grandfather Gunther.”
“You can call me Chet,” Chip’s father offered as he greeted the ladies.
“And you can call me Dee,” Chip’s fiancé reciprocated.
Noticing the difference in wardrobe sported by the different ladies, Dee wearing a black jumpsuit and her mother dressed in jeans and a flannel work shirt while Mary possessed a more feminine blouse and skirt combination, Gunther snorted disdainfully to Chet, “Your son’s got some taste... they’re both dressed like men.” The rest of the family winced at the less than delicate commentary.
Originally regarding the elder with a frown, Dee’s expression brightened a little as she replied, “Well if you’re concerned about confused gender roles in our marriage I’m sure I can convince Chip to start wearing a dress. Would that make you feel better?” Gunther merely glared at her in response. Mary rather enjoyed seeing her father-in-law get some of his smart-ass attitude thrown back at him.
“Where’s your daughter?” Chet asked his future daughter-in-law.
“Raven’s sightseeing with my godparents,” Dee answered.
“It’s been years since either of them haff been in town,” Amanda added, “They’re taking the opportunity to check out efrything that’s changed... and bore Rafen to tears with stories of how things used to look back in their day.” Motioning towards the base of the tree, she offered, “If you come inside, Dee and I haff prepared some lunch for you.”
As everyone began to move forward, Chip couldn’t help but blurt out in hopes of softening any future verbal indiscretions, “I’d like to apologize in advance for anything else my Grampa says while he’s here.”
“If you don’t hold my aunt against me for being a genocidal lunatic I won’t hold your grampa against you for being a miserable old coot,” Dee replied.
“Your Aunt?” Mary asked with a hint of concern.
“She was part of that plot to poison the city last year,” Chip clarified, “I wrote you about that, remember?”
“Yes,” Chet responded, “But you didn’t mention it involved a future in-law.”
“Oops!” Dee commented with a smile.
Leading everyone towards her residence, Amanda hoped to ease her guests concerns, “Don’t worry, she won’t be showing up at any family reunions.”
“Even if she wanted to she’d never survive breaking out of prison,” Dee added, “at least, not for long.” With a laugh, she pointed out, “The only thing that’s kept people from storming the prison to do her in is the concern they might hurt the guards in the process.”
Steering the conversation to something more flattering of his future in-laws, Chip asked, “Was that the creek that you rescued Dennis from?”
“Yep,” Amanda acknowledged, “Some of the people liffing in this area had gotten some string together and someone would go out on the end of it to grab people as they floated by while others on the bank would reel them back in.” As she led her guests onto her suite of rooms, she continued, “I only pulled a couple people out before someone came by and told us about the people trapped in the riffer front apartments.”
“That’s where everyone thought you’d died,” Mary remembered from the story Chip had related in one of his letters home.
“I still don’t know how I surfifed,” Amanda replied with a shrug as she and her daughter finished setting places for everyone to eat, “The other four who were there with me all lost their lifes while I came out of it with only a dislocated shoulder and a temporary case of amnesia... it hardly seems fair.”
“If you had died you never would have been able to help put Rat Capone’s army out of commission,” Chip pointed out insistently, “There’s no telling how many people would have been hurt or killed if you, Gadget and Dee hadn’t stopped him from getting his plan under way.”
“You deserfe a lot of the credit,” Amanda responded.
“I do?” Chip asked in surprise.
“He does?” Dee echoed.
“I probably wouldn’t haff been motifated to trying to help safe those people during that flood, and therefore wound up in that town where Capone was conscripting slafe labor from, if it hadn’t been for the example you and the other Rescue Rangers had set,” came the matron’s explanation, “I’d become so disillusioned about helping people after no one but my mother and the Southmonts were willing to stand up for me when Carol was trying to kill me...”
“Carol being the aforementioned in-law of doom,” Dee pointed out for the Maplewoods.
“I stepped up to protect a friend only to haff that friend and just about efryone else, efen my own husband, abandon me when I was the one on the receiving end of trouble,” Amanda continued, now as much to the rest of her company as her future son-in-law, “so I defeloped a ‘to hell with efryone else’ attitude. I stayed like that up till I heard what your son had my eldest daughter doing... It made me feel a little ashamed to haff let myself become so callous.” Glancing at her daughter, she added, “I was afraid some of that might haff rubbed off on Dee... which is why I was so happy to discoffer that she not only found her sister but also began to follow her example. None of that could haff happened without Chip’s influence.”
Dee was moved to take her lover’s paw in hers. His father then gave Chip a healthy nudge on the shoulder as he commented proudly, “That’s an accomplishment for ya, saving lives without even knowing it!”
“I know this might be a sensitive subject... or not, I’ve never encountered one like this before,” Mary began, addressing Amanda, “But Chip was only able to give us the short story about your, uh... coming back from the dead. Which I can understand considering his occupation and how quickly this all came up on us. Maybe you could give us a more detailed account? If you’re comfortable doing so that is.”
Amanda, explaining that it was no problem, proceeded to spin the tale of how she was awakened from her five years of amnesia by a combination of both sheer coincidence and the combined willpower of her daughters. She displayed the bracelets that had once been the shackles she had broken before pummeling five mercenaries unconscious in order to rescue them. Amanda then spoke proudly of how her daughters rallied a town to arms in order to storm Rat Capone’s lair to rescue her in turn.
With lunch finished and Amanda’s story having been told, Chip and Dee pulled the elder Maplewoods away for a tour of the city, leaving Gunther with Dale and his parents... with many preemptive apologies. The prop driven Ranger Wing was chosen after Mary’s comment that the vibrations created by the Ranger Plane’s flapping wings, though needed for additional lift and forward momentum, made her feel a little queasy. As they traversed the city, stopping occasionally at locations of social, artistic or cultural significance they developed a bit of a thirst and a desire to rest for a minute. Hoping to be in and gone before the late evening crowd arrived, Dee led her future in-laws to the Hole in the Wall bar downtown. With the sparse daytime clientele it was a peaceful enough place to stop.
Some of the peace, however, was lost as someone at a distant table began an animated discussion with those around him... or more specifically, making loud statements to anyone in the immediate vicinity. A pair of male mice who had just left him to his ‘discussion’ spied Dee as they made their way to the door.
“Is that Dee?” one asked to his companion.
“Damn, now that’s a coincidence,” came the response.
As the two were close enough to be easily overheard by Dee and her companions they couldn’t help but turn their attention towards the pair of mice.
“Uh, hi,” offered one of the mice, realizing everyone at the table was staring at them.
“Hae’,” Dee replied politely, “What’s the coincidence you’re talking about?”
The mice gave each other a concerned look, not sure if the matter should be brought up. However, they knew Dee well enough to know she wouldn’t let them go without an answer, especially since it was fairly obvious she knew it had something to do with her.
“Well, the guy at that table back there,” one of the mice finally ventured, “Think he was an old... ‘friend’ of yours, anyway he’s going on about your wedding coming up.”
“What’s he saying?” Chip inquired.
The mouse that had started the conversation cringed before continuing, “He’s, uh, saying it’s disgraceful to be marrying someone that isn’t the father of your child.”
“I think what he means is that you should be marrying him,” the other mouse offered, “or at least that’s the way he’s making it sound.”
“And that the only reason you are marrying who you are is because you let him knock you up and you’re just trying to avoid having people think you’re a whore... or more of one than they already think you are,” to which the speaker quickly amended, “That’s what he said.”
Dee was out of her chair before Chip could grab her. As his fiancé stormed across the bar, he was briefly frozen with indecision. Should he stop her? He really couldn’t blame her, if their positions were reversed he’d be the one out to knock someone’s block off. But, as he took in the startled expressions on his parents’ faces, it occurred to him that in his letters home he had glossed over his love’s tendency to get into fights. However, in the space of time it took him to think matters over, Dee was already too far away to stop before things hit the fan... so he tried to warn his parents. “Um, Dee doesn’t react well to people insulting her in public, especially when it involves references to her past.”
Chip had just barely gotten his warning out before the crashing of furniture and panicked begging for mercy made further discussion meaningless. He watched his parents’ startled reactions with a forced smile and an increasing amount of sweat. Once the ruckus died down the future groom looked back to take in the scene. Seeing little real damage resulting from Dee’s actions, Chip turned to his parents and cheerfully pointed out, “There, no harm done.”
“Ready to settle up and get on with the tour?” Dee inquired as she returned to the table. Still a little lost for words, the elder Maplewoods simply looked at the youngsters before eventually agreeing to move on. “Ok then, next stop: the mill!”
After the party was airborne and on their way into the thick of the Allegany State Park where Dee resided with ‘her’ pack of wolves, Chip ran matters through his mind. Leaning over to his love, he inquired, “Do you think it’s really necessary to introduce Mom and Dad to the pack today? After all, they were a little unprepared for what happened back in town.”
“We’re taking them to the Powwow tomorrow, then dinner at the Red Garter with Mom and Raven,” Dee proceeded in reply, “The day after that is all preparation and party, then the ceremony. This is the only time we have to introduce them to the wolves before then.” There was a space of quiet before she added, concerning the incident at the bar, “How was I supposed to know an old acquaintance of mine would do something that dumb? I haven’t had to pound sense into any of them for years.”
Chip wasn’t the only one who was uncertain about the upcoming introductions. Chester and Mary were aware that their boy’s fiancé ‘lived’ with wolves, but they always had some concerns about what that actually meant. Much of what Chip had written them about his experiences with the pack seemed a little far-fetched. Not that they thought he was making it all up, they just weren’t sure how much of it was hard fact and how much was misinterpretation of the predators’ actions. Just how friendly could small prey get with a number of large carnivores? It was possible they would see a mouse as being insignificant, Chip had even mentioned that had been their first impression of Dee, and therefore might be a bit of a novelty to have around. But asking them to be security for a ceremony to be attended by large numbers of prey? Granted, Chip had mentioned they had helped the Rangers on two separate occasions. Still, there were strong instinctual leanings to exercise as much caution as possible.
Flying over the forested hills, however, did have a surreal calming effect on the nerves of the elder Maplewoods. Having lived among, and in, the trees had allowed them only a certain perspective of their native habitat. As high in a tree as one could climb, it still was no match for the view the birds must have. The trees, as large and imposing they are from the perspective of a chipmunk, seemed to dissolve into a fuzzy carpet of green when seen from above... individual oaks, furs and maples becoming lost.
“Here we are,” Chip informed his parents, much to their surprise. Having expected a typically clear-cut example of human construction standing out from the natural environment they hadn’t noticed the heavily camouflaged structure that had once been a sawmill. As the Ranger Wing approached, the mill became more apparent as did the rectangular entrance of the hanger into which the craft was gently piloted. Dee gave her future in-laws a quick tour of her residence, taking particular pride in showing off her jet, the Banshee.
“Will the two of you be zooming off in this after the ceremony?” Mary inquired.
Both ‘youngsters’ shook their heads. “As exciting as that would be,” Chip began, “we figured it would be inappropriate since the seating is single-file... it just didn’t seem right that one of the new couple would be riding along in the back like a piece of luggage.”
“And the controls aren’t nearly as forgiving as those on the Ranger Wing,” Dee added, “A newly married couple flying off to their honeymoon is going to be slightly distracted, not something you want when one of that couple has to be seriously focused on the controls.” Chet and Mary nodded, both intimately familiar with how ‘distracted’ a young couple can be.
Moving on to the purpose of the trip, Dee and Chip led his parents down towards the wolves den on the ground floor. Descending into a large room adjoining the lair of a pack of large predators with only the stairs behind them for an escape, should it be necessary, was rather disconcerting for Chip’s parents. There was little in the room save for numerous maps and related paraphernalia, and in the far wall was a spacious entrance over which was draped a large curtain... that cloth being the only thing separating them from several carnivorous animals.
“If you want you can stand behind me and Chip when Romulus comes out,” Dee offered politely to the elder chipmunks. Without even being completely conscious of it, both Chet and Mary edged behind the younger couple.
From under the curtain poked a shiny black nose. The rest of the face associated with that nose soon joined it as a young pup peeked into the room. Just as quickly it scooted back into the den. “They’re he-ere,” a little voice called out from within. This was answered by an overly dramatic terrified scream, answered in turn by giggling.
Dee and Chip looked at each other and jointly concluded, “Poltergeist.”
A much larger canine pushed his way past the curtain, clutching an orange cloth in his muzzle. Sitting down before the quartet of rodentia he removed the cloth and set it aside.
“Mom, Dad,” Chip started out, “This is Romulus, the pack’s Alpha Male. Romulus, these are my parents, Chester and Mary.”
“Hi!” spoke the wolf as he waved politely.
Chet and Mary replied with an equally polite, albeit cautious, “Hello.”
“That your ‘formal wear’?” Dee inquired, gesturing to the orange cloth.
“Yup!” Romulus responded, holding it up with his front paws. On the top and bottom of the square cloth, from whose corners dangled long string tassels, were the words ‘security’ written in big black block letters, each word upside-down in relation to the other.
“Um, isn’t that a little redundant?” Chet asked hesitantly, “Wouldn’t it kinda stand to reason that you’d be security?”
“That’s for the sake of any humans that stumble upon the ceremony,” Chip explained.
“The first thing that they’d see would be the wolves,” Dee joined in, “and a large congregation of big scary dogs without any visible ID to indicate they’re ‘safe’ would be, well... unsettling to say the least.”
“Oh, so they’d mistake them for ‘police dogs’ or something like that,” Mary concluded, “That is, if they’re seen wearing something like that.”
“Right,” Dee and Chip nodded in unison. Dee continued in more detail, “Romulus and another pack member passed themselves off as guard dogs on a movie set for about a month and the humans who worked there were none the wiser.”
Chip followed up, “In this case we’re hoping people who see this will write them off as taking part in some kind of field maneuvers for search and rescue, anti-terror, or something else they should otherwise steer clear of.” The Maplewoods nodded in understanding.
There was a smattering of small talk which did little more than delay the inevitable parting. However, as the rodents were preparing to leave, Mary, quite self-consciously, asked, “I... don’t want to offend anyone, but... why?”
Romulus looked around, rather confused by the generic nature of the question.
“I mean... ,” Mary continued, lightly gesturing between Dee and the wolf.
“Oh!” Dee proclaimed, “Why am I living with wolves and why haven’t they eaten me?” Mary nodded emphatically, relieved that it was finally out... and that no one seemed to take offense.
Romulus started out, struggling for the correct words, “Well, because it’s mutually, uh... mutually...”
“Mutually beneficial?” Chip offered.
“Yeah!” the wolf responded, pointing to the chipmunk.
“I rescued one of their pups when it got stuck among some boulders,” Dee explained, “It demonstrated that small rodents could be useful for something other than ‘test prey’ for the pups to practice their hunting skills on. Since then we’ve become interdependent; I get powerful friends and they get a secure long-term den with free cable.”
“The local rodent population has never been large enough to support a pack anyway,” Romulus pointed out, “We need a large score of meat for the effort we put into hunting, that’s what the deer are for... without any other predators, aside from the bears, there’s more than enough. So, no need to munch mice... or chomp chipmunks.”
More relieved than when they arrived, if only slightly, the Maplewoods bid farewell to the pack leader and departed with their son and his fiancé. As the Ranger Wing ferried the rodents back towards civilization as humanity knew it, Dee cheerfully pointed out, “That went better than I thought it might, Romulus behaved himself like he promised.”
“Behaved himself?” Chet inquired, “What exactly did you expect him to do?”
“Well when I introduced him to Chip and Dale he immediately snarfed up Dale like a snack,” Dee explained, adding with a smile, “In fact, he still refers to him as ‘Hors-d’oeuvre’.”
“Ah,” Chet noted with veiled discomfort.
Realizing the phrase ‘snarfed up’ could be interpreted to mean more than one thing, Chip pointed out, “Romulus was playing a little joke on me and Dale.”
“Some joke,” Mary remarked coldly.
As night descended upon the city, Dee bade goodnight to her love and his parents while she went off to dine with her mother and sister. Chip spent much of the rest of the night catching up with his parents, as did Dale with his. Raven, meeting up with her mother after dinner, confessed that she would feel more comfortable spending the night in the city with her adopted parents, the Southmonts, as the isolation and relative quiet of the mill was rather unnerving. Not looking forward to a long lonely flight back herself, Dee chose to bunk with her mother and sister, which gave mother and daughters an opportunity to spend some long overdue quality time together... working out the mechanical gremlins in Dee’s wedding gown.
Chapter Two
The day dawned brightly, heightening the festive air as the Powwow commenced. The Maplewoods and Dee arrived at the event together so that Raven could locate them faster. Though assured that the girl would actually find them, Chip’s parents couldn’t help but feel it should be the other way around, or that at least the child should be under an adult’s wing at such an event.
“What would be wrong with all of us looking for her?” Mary asked, her maternal instincts overriding her desire to be polite around her son’s wife-to-be. When Dee seemed somewhat distracted, she asked a little louder, “Dee?”
“Don’t worry, she just found us,” the young mother responded. Knowing that her future in-laws would doubtlessly be confused, given that there was no one nearby to indicate the girl’s arrival, Dee cautiously reached out into the air next to her. Her arm coming to a sudden stop, she declared, “Ah! There you are!”
Mary and Chet weren’t sure whether Dee was trying to be funny or was inadvertently displaying a psychological disorder as she ushered an invisible (or imaginary) person over towards them. This uncertainty was transformed into surprise as the empty air grew dark where the ‘imaginary’ person was supposed to be. In the mere passing of a moment, the vague darkness became the solid form of an individual shrouded in a hooded cloak of almost surreal blackness.
Before Raven’s mother could even begin an introduction, Gunther stepped in (figuratively speaking that is). Gesturing angrily at the girl with his cane as he hollered, “I knew you were comin’ for me, Reaper, but I AIN’T GOING WITHOUT A FIGHT!” With that he proceeded to try to club ‘Death’ with his cane.
“Dad!” Chet scolded as he pulled back his father’s wheelchair.
“Grampa!” Chip shouted as he seized the makeshift weapon, “That’s Raven, not the Grim Reaper!” Looking over at his future stepdaughter he was only able to locate her eyes in the darkness by the points of light reflecting off of them, but the radiance of the sun had penetrated far enough that he could barely make out her contented smirk. “Though I can understand the confusion,” Chip added, using his expression to convey his displeasure to the youth.
Dee quickly jerked back her daughter’s hood, revealing a mortal countenance quite similar to her own... only with shorter hair. “Mr and Mrs Maplewood, this is my daughter, Raven,” she properly introduced with a sigh, “Her hobbies include sorcery and, apparently, impersonating the Angel of Death.” Raven gave Chip’s parents as innocent a smile as she could fake. Dee only then noticed something, or more specifically someone, was missing. “Where’s Fangs?” she asked her daughter.
“Cows,” replied Raven, motioning over her shoulder. Dee nodded in understanding.
Seeing his parents’ obvious confusion, Chip proceeded to clarify matters, “Fangs is Raven’s boyfriend, he’s... uh... feeding. He’s...” the hesitation was almost unavoidable, Chip was beginning to regret his tendency to gloss over the details in his letters home so as not to cause his parents needless worry, “a vampire bat.”
“How wonderful, my grandson is marrying into the Addams family!” Gunther declared. Addressing Dee and Raven in turn he continued, “Morticia, Wednesday, it’s been a pleasure to meet you. If anyone needs me I’ll be on the next bus out of here.” Gunther gruffly grabbed his cane and began to quickly wheel himself away. Chet departed in an effort to retrieve his father, who clearly wanted no further parts of the meeting.
Mary was torn between following after her husband and father-in-law or staying with her son’s future in-laws. As she chose to go with what was familiar and safe, she offered in parting, “I guess we’ll be... around, sight-seeing and all. Look forward to dinner tonight!”
“Fangs won’t be coming,” Dee reassured her mother-in-law to be.
“Good,” Mary blurted out thoughtlessly, “I don’t mean ‘good’, I mean... uh...” She stammered as she tried in vain to rectify the matter without further embarrassment or insult, but simply ended with, “See you at dinner.”
Chip turned to his fiancé, “I won’t be introducing them to Snoop, I don’t think they could handle that.”
Mary had little trouble catching up to her husband and, after relaying the latest faux pas to occur between the families, chose to take her mind off things with some pleasant sight-seeing. She actually found it quite calming as so much of the local environment was similar to those back home. She even knew some of the faces they would likely encounter: the Oakmonts, her son, Colette... Colette? Mary stopped in her tracks, an instinctive act of many prey species sighting potential trouble, and studied the tall, shapely grey squirrel as she strutted through the crowds.
Noticing that his wife hadn’t responded to an otherwise trivial question, Chet stopped. He calmly backed up a few steps. “Something wrong?” he asked, picking up on Mary’s alert stance.
“That squirrel,” Mary responded quickly, “The one in the black miniskirt and mock turtleneck.”
Chet soon sighted her, and he acted every bit as much on instinct as his wife had... only it involved a different instinct. “Wow.”
Mary offered, as a rejoinder to her husband’s comment, a sharp elbow in the ribs. “Don’t you think she looks a little familiar?” she inquired pointedly, “The Happy Home-wrecker?”
“What? No,” Chet dismissed, “What would she be doing coming all the way here?” He hadn’t actually examined the squirrel in question as much as would be needed to identify her, however a second, more critical inspection removed any doubt. He would never admit the fact, least of all to his wife, but he was as familiar with the hometown home-wrecker as any other of the guys he knew (though, to his credit as a husband, not too familiar), and the squirrel that Mary had spied was indeed Colette Silvertail. Chet’s rhetorical question about her presence so far from home persisted in his mind for a while more, at least until he recalled her previous relationship with his son. “Think we should warn Dee?” he inquired.
“Maybe we should warn Chip,” Mary opted instead, “I don’t think this is really something you should hear from a future in-law.”
Chet managed to find Chip, along with his love and her daughter, viewing the wares of a local merchant not far from where they had parted. He quietly motioned to have a private discourse with his progeny. Much to Chet’s relief it seemed that neither Dee or Raven had taken notice of the father-son talk. For his part, Chip was a bit dismissive of his parents’ concerns but thanked his father for the warning all the same. Yet no sooner had the elder Maplewood taken leave of his son than Chip was beset by an amorous female squirrel... however, it was only Tammy.
Chip was actually somewhat nervous about the embrace, given the proximity of his fiancé, though he would have been more appreciative if he had known that said same proximity was what kept Tammy from planting a great big smooch on his cheek. She seemed to notice his apprehension and, upon releasing him, pointed out, “Don’t worry, I’m just getting it out of my system before you’re officially someone else’s chipmunk.”
“Thank you,” Chip replied, “I mean, for getting it out of your system, that is. Are you sure you’re ok with being a bridesmaid?” he inquired, having been somewhat concerned about Dee’s selection of the love-smitten squirrel for the honor.
“How else am I going to get that close to you at a wedding?” she jested in response, “besides, Mom keeps reminding me that if there are any eligible young males ‘on the hunt’ there’d be no better place for me than being so close to the center of attention.”
Chip was about to comment on her mother’s apparent effort to find someone to keep her mind off of his being married but was stopped quite abruptly as a pair of feminine paws covered his eyes. “Guess who?” their owner taunted playfully.
It didn’t taken the detective long to deduce who it was. “Colette,” Chip sighed in irritation. The voice was a little bit more mature than when he’d heard it last, but it was as unmistakable as the feeling of bitter annoyance which arose within him.
“You remembered!” she squealed as she spun him about to face her. Chip barely got a moment to look at her which, given their difference in height, consisted almost entirely of an ample bosom... into which his face was soon buried as Colette yanked him close. Pirouetting with her old acquaintance, who had little choice in the matter having been hoisted off his feet, she let out another ecstatic squeal. “But then again it is hard to forget your first love,” she explained, releasing the stunned chipmunk, “and I certainly haven’t forgotten about you.”
“Yeah, but I wasn’t your first love,” Chip commented, adjusting his hat.
Colette practically purred her response, “Well how could I forget about you, my little Chipper.”
“That’s ‘Chip’,” Tammy replied, clearly irritated.
“Aren’t you cute,” Colette responded condescendingly, patting Tammy on the head.
Seeing that the infuriated teen was about to take a swing at Colette, Chip cautioned her against such an act with an authoritative, “Tammy.” The younger squirrel promptly adopted a more mature posture and simply glared at the bimbo instead. “And what, exactly, brings you to this neck of the woods, Colette?” he asked with obligatory politeness.
The shapely damsel feigned coy offense before answering. “Well, I heard you were getting married...” she paused for a moment, attempting to look downcast before adding, “I guess my invitation got lost in the mail...” then brightened up as she continued, “But, I couldn’t pass up seeing you again, not with all the nights I’ve spent thinking about you since you left.”
Chip rolled his eyes... and in doing so happened to catch sight of his love standing beside him. “Oh. Colette, this is my fiancé, Doohickey Hawkfeather,” he began, “Dee, this is Colette Silvertail... we kind of grew up together, she was actually a few years older than me and Dale.”
“‘Sort of grew up together’?” Colette repeated to Chip in a conspiratorial air as she offered Dee her paw, “That’s an interesting way of putting it.” Turning her attention to the mouse she’d been introduced to, she commented, as if she were releasing a guarded secret, “I hope you don’t think that you’re going to be Chip’s first.”
“That’s ok,” Dee responded lightly, “he already knows he’s not my first.” She reinforced the point as she motioned to Raven, “Have you met my daughter?” The girl indignantly jerked up her hood and within moments vanished before the squirrel’s eyes.
Colette’s expression of astonishment was ratcheted up a notch when Fangs landed before her. The vampire had absolutely no interest in the squirrel and for the most part wasn’t even aware of her presence, he had homed in on Raven with his sonar and followed her delightful echo in for a landing. But all Colette knew was that a bat with large sharp teeth who reeked of spilled blood was staring at her heart and drawled lustfully, “I can see you!” A disembodied female voice squeaked, “Liar!” and the bat vanished! The squirrel’s terrified shriek drew the attention of everyone within earshot. Finding herself the center of very unwanted attention, Colette did her best to compose herself and flee in as inconspicuous and ladylike a manner as possible.
“You’d think she’d never seen a vampire make out with a sorceress before,” Tammy huffed.
When Chip noticed the contented smile that had spread across his love’s face, he commented, “You know, if you were a cat I’d swear you just swallowed a canary.”
Chip and Dee wandered off towards the picnic area, leaving Tammy, Raven and Fangs to themselves. As the couple had expected, they soon located other familiar faces. Seated at one of the tables Monterey Jack was trading stories with his parents, Dale and his parents sat nearby, entertained by the animated tales told by the mice. When the younger mouse noticed his friends approaching he jumped to his feet. “Mom, Dad, this ‘ere’s the li’l sheila I was telling you about,” Monty started as he motioned to Chip’s fiancé, “The girl that won Chippah’s heart; Doohickey Hawkfeather. Dee, this ‘ere’s me parents; Cheddarhead Charlie and Camembert Kate.”
Charlie stood, doffing his rugged hat politely before taking Dee’s paw. “My dear, I see a mouse’s words just ain’t enough to do justice to a lady’s beauty,” he stated as he gave her paw a reverent kiss.
“Congratulations, dear,” Kate greeted the young bride-to-be, “But snaring ‘im’s the easy part. Keepin’ him in line is the hard part.” Pulling Dee aside she whispered, “I’ll give you a few hints for that at the bachelorette party!”
“I’m glad to see the two of you could make it,” Chip offered in greeting, “I’d hate to think either of you had to put off any adventures just for us.”
“What, an’ miss a mate’s bachelor party?” Charlie asked rhetorically, “Why, some of me best adventures started at some o’ them!”
As Cheddarhead Charlie proceeded to recount a particularly rowdy bachelor party he had once attended, Dale’s parents took the opportunity to introduce themselves. “Donovan, Danielle,” Dale’s father began, motioning to himself and his wife, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”
“When we heard Chip was getting married, we were certain Dale would make his big move for Gadget,” Danielle mentioned, “But when we met Foxglove we understood why he’s having so much trouble making up his mind. Well, that or it really was just their competitive nature all along.”
“Still, it would have been interesting for each boy to wed a sister,” Don speculated, “You’d have a matching pair!”
Setting aside the thought that Don was comparing her sister and herself to bookends, Dee inquired into Danielle’s observation, “Did the two of them ever compete over someone named Colette?” The couple’s immediate response was wordless yet unmistakable.
“That little hussy,” Danielle eventually remarked.
“Well she’s not so little anymore,” Don amended, almost under his breath.
“I met her a little while ago and she made a big deal about being Chip’s first,” Dee mentioned, hoping for details.
“You have nothing to worry about,” Danielle stated reassuringly to the young mouse, “The boys swore off her and never looked back.” Dee couldn’t hide a satisfied smile. It wasn’t so much finding out that Chip wasn’t likely holding a torch for an old love but that she had correctly ascertained as much from his body language earlier.
“They competed for her,” Don verified, “But when they found out that she was sharing her favor with all the other guys around they realized she wasn’t worth it.”
“I know the type,” Dee nodded. She felt a little light headed at the sudden sensation that she was having the very discussion many doubtlessly had about her behind her back when she was younger.
“And she wouldn’t even have bothered with them if it weren’t for the fact her parents hated them,” explained Danielle. The change in Dee’s expression begged further illumination. “The Silvertails always saw themselves as the aristocracy of the park and that their only daughter should be associating with young males with the proper breeding and bearing.”
“Not our little prankster and his best friend,” Don pointed out, “who were almost certainly destined to amount to nothing.”
“She was in ‘outraged parent heaven’ until the boys decided she wasn’t worth the trouble,” Danielle recalled, “And once they stopped showing an interest in her... I suppose she figured her parents’ ire wasn’t entertaining enough to justify winning the boys back.”
“Lucky me,” was Dee’s response. She could have kept talking with Dale’s parents and they certainly seemed more than willing, but she had things to ponder and a fiancé to get back to, “It’s been a pleasure to meet you.” As she expected, she found Chip and the others still listening to Cheddarhead Charlie’s story... and arrived just in time to wake Chip for the ending. “I didn’t know you could sleep standing up,” she whispered.
“Monty taught us that after Dale and I fell over during one of Gadget’s ‘explanations’,” Chip confessed, “We had plenty of time to practice while our tails healed.”
“An’ that’s why I always like to have a few friends who are like to get ‘itched!” Charlie finished, “Who knows, maybe it’ll ‘appen to one o’ you lads here.”
“Possibly even Monty,” chirped Chip. He never would have spoken up if he hadn’t spied Charity lurking in the background and feared Monty was about to set in with a story of his own.
Chip nudged Dee who quickly caught on. “Hey, that’s right,” she began, “Monty, did you fill your parents in on the girl you met here last year?”
“Um, uh,” Monty stammered.
“You know,” Chip continued, “Charity Rose.”
“Well now,” Monty’s father intoned, eyeing his son, “I can’t say that ‘e has.”
“She’s a sweet gal,” Dee assured his parents.
“And when she’s around, Monty’s feet practically leave the ground!” Dale joined in.
Finding himself transfixed by the twin gaze of his parents, Monty desperately struggled for the proper way to refer to the badger that, unbeknownst to him, was quickly approaching from behind.
“I knew you were around here somewhere!” Charity cheered as she hoisted Monty off his feet.
As Charity squeezed her main mouse like a stuffed toy, Monty felt it was time for introductions, “Mom, Dad- mmph- this is Charity Rose. Charity, these are me parents.”
Charity squealed ecstatically. “You brought your parents here to meet me?” she asked excitedly, “Oh Monty!”
“We’d stay and chat but we do have other people to meet,” Chip stated as he excused himself and his fiancé.
Dale and his parents also chose that time to leave Monty to his predicament. “Hey, Chip,” the red nosed chipmunk started, “We ran into Clarice earlier-”
“Actually, Dale ran into her,” Don pointed out with a smile, “but she was a sport about it and helped him back to his feet.”
“Yeah, and she’s really looking forward to singing at the reception!” Dale continued.
Dee had a devilish grin as she jabbed her chipmunk playfully, “Gee, the girls from your past are just crawling out of the woodwork!”
***
Colette had finally managed to collect herself after her encounter with Chip’s future in-laws and, after charming some free jewelry out of a local merchant, was ready to contemplate her next move. He remembered her, that was a good thing. She couldn’t place too much stock in his apparent lack of enthusiasm regarding their unexpected reunion given the proximity of his fiancé and her daughter. Though, the girl seemed a little old to be her real daughter... perhaps she was so startled to see a female from Chip’s past that she ad-libbed with whoever was nearby... who just happened to be an illusionist... and who was that bat? Colette abandoned that particular train of thought, it disturbed her deeply. Though, as it departed, it allowed some consolation... it could mean Chip’s fiancé felt threatened enough by her to grab some stranger out of the crowd and pass her off as her daughter.
Know your enemy and know yourself and victory shall be yours. Colette had no idea where she’d heard that from, perhaps from some dope trying to impress her with his mind... but it made sense. She already knew this marriage was unusually sudden, especially considering the fact that Chip was involved, so if she could scrounge up enough info on this Doohickey she could talk some sense into him. Chip always tried to be the sensible one, perhaps a thought out heart-to-heart with his first love, who would appear to be genuinely concerned about his happiness, could help sufficiently chill his feet. And once his doubts go crashing headlong into the onrushing ceremony she’ll have knocked his logical legs out from under him, leaving him adrift in a sea of conflicting emotions, then she could use the light of her love to steer him to her arms. The victory was as good as hers. But then, she thought, wasn’t it always?
Chapter Three
“I trust there’ll be no screaming or concussions tonight?” the maitre d’ inquired as the Maplewood/Hawkfeather party was seated after their arrival at the Red Garter.
“Why would there be?” Chet inquired.
“Well, it seems every time a Hawkfeather eats here somebody gets hurt,” was the polite explanation.
“Gadget caromed a ball off a guy’s skull in the bar last year,” Dee pointed out for the elder Maplewoods, “though, in her defense, he did have it coming.”
“Just like all the people you did that to?” Raven asked her mother with a smirk. Dee merely shrugged and smiled.
Opening her menu, Amanda confessed with a sigh, “My youngest has managed to get herself banned from playing pool in every bar and arcade in town because of that.”
Chip noted his parents’ concerned looks as they prepared to order. The fact that his fiancé ordered an inordinate amount of meat didn’t seem to ease them any. Hoping to steer things in a more complimentary direction, he changed the subject entirely. “Well, I hear you’ve settled into your role as a Clan Mother fairly well,” he asked Dee.
“I credit that a great deal to people simply being afraid of me,” Dee answered before tearing into her venison steak.
“Afraid of you?” Mary inquired.
“She has a history of starting fights,” Amanda revealed, “and now that it’s public knowledge that she liffes with wolfs people are efen less likely to question her decisions.”
“And Raven’s done her part to follow in my footsteps,” Dee added, “She actually bit one of the wolves... Even I haven’t done that.”
Mary felt that was a good enough time as any to ask something that had been on her mind all day, “Oh, Raven, how old are you? If you don’t mind my asking.”
“Fourteen,” the girl responded.
After a few moments Mary uttered a simple, “Oh.”
Dee realized both Mary and Chet were doing the math, so she saved them the trouble, “I was only thirteen when Raven was born.”
“Oh, well,” Mary stammered, “Chip said you were young, we... just didn’t realize you were... that young.” Dee smiled and nodded politely.
“I tried to keep her out of trouble,” Amanda entered, “But she and her brother didn’t make it easy... after all, there were two of them and only one of me. I would’fe tried getting back together with Gewgaw if it weren’t for the fear Carol would’fe tried to kill him and Gadget.”
“Well as bad as I was, I only punched you once,” Dee pointed out indignantly.
“You punched your mother?” this time the incredulity was Chip’s.
Dee shrugged, “I was only ten!”
“How did you respond to that?” Chet inquired of Amanda.
“Oh, I grabbed her by the scruff of the neck,” Amanda began calmly, “knocked her legs out from under her, slammed her to the floor, put a knee on the small of her back and snarled in her ear that under no circumstances was she to ever raise her paw to me again.”
As Chip’s parents stared at Amanda, who seemed genuinely unaware of their level of shock, Raven mentioned to her own mother, “Y’know, I never realized just how close I came to getting my clock cleaned when I tried to provoke you last year.”
Chip made a few more attempts at controlling the discussion. However, when it led to discussion of Raven robbing a museum, his and the Rangers going toe-to-toe with a psychotic sewer gator and Dee starting a barroom brawl the first night she came to visit Chip and the others in the big city he decided to speak only when spoken to. It was either that or run the risk of being grounded to keep him away from such bad influences. On the flight back he felt as if he were a scoundrel on the way to his doom... he always assumed that sensation was supposed to hit him the morning of the wedding.
“Pray for me,” Chip muttered to Dee as they stood in the muted light of the tree’s entrance.
“Hm?” was her intrigued response.
“I have a feeling the first words out of my mother’s mouth tonight will be ‘Are you sure this is really what you want?’,” he explained.
“At least no one mentioned my slaughtering that colony of rogue bats,” Dee reassured him.
“When Raven spouted ‘You can’t spell slaughter without laughter’ I was afraid that’s where things were headed,” Chip groaned.
Dee embraced her favorite chipmunk, “Well, just remember, I’m not above eloping. Just tell me where to meet you!” The two lovers snuggled as they snickered conspiratorially.
“I guess this’ll have to last us till the big day,” Chip whispered.
“Come ceremony or sneaky getaway,” his fiancé agreed as their lips met.
***
“Great, we’re missing the Best Man,” complained the wedding coordinator as he prepared the Groom and his entourage for their rehearsal, the Bride’s being a little later.
“One would think with Dale staying with his parents there’d be a better chance of him showing up on time,” Chip groused as he fidgeted in his tux. The rest of his groomsmen had already shown up at the tent set aside for them and had been fitted with their tuxedos.
“Well, we can’t rule out his being waylaid by Foxglove,” Fangs pointed out. He stood in almost the same spot since he’d been fitted with his custom made tux. While many people felt constricted in such formal wear, Fangs... was afraid to move. Though, as a bat, it was the first time he had ever been dressed. “I think I hear him now,” Fangs announced, as he twitched his ears, trying to get a better ‘view’, “Either that or there’s a circus clown headed our way.”
To a mixture and cheers and laughs from passersby, Dale strutted into the tent decked out in his green and red striped tux (with ‘matching’ red and yellow polka-dot bow tie).
“Right on both counts there, Fangs,” Chip remarked with a wry smile.
“So, Chip,” opened Dale, “How did things go at dinner last night?”
Chip sighed, “Let’s just say it didn’t help.”
“Well, we’re all here fer the rehearsal,” Monty commented, “So I guess they didn’t object too much, ‘specially considering your mother’s part of the ceremony.”
“I managed to convince them that the two days they’ve had to get to know Dee and her family aren’t enough to get a good understanding of a person or their family,” Chip explained, “So they’re willing to trust my judgment despite deep reservations and the fear that the marriage won’t last once the novelty has worn off.”
“So they think it’s probably a mistake but it’s a mistake you’ll hafta make yourself,” Dee’s brother Thingamabob “Bob” Hawkfeather summed up.
Chip gave a half smile, “Pretty much.”
Doing a quick headcount, the coordinator was pleased. “Finally, all the groomsmen are here,” he stated, “Now we can...” Something still wasn’t right. “Where’s Mrs Maplewood?”
“Oh, I saw her headed over towards the gal’s tent,” Dale explained, motioning in the general direction of the one set up for the bride’s entourage.
“Oh no,” Chip moaned as he hung his head.
Over at the bride’s tent, trouble was brewing. “I thought you said you wouldn’t make us wear hideous dresses,” Terry complained as she viewed herself in the mirror, “We look like cheap Star Trek alien stand-ins.”
“What would give you that idea?” Raven asked rhetorically as she hung the bat’leth on the back of her mother’s gown.
As Terry, Dee’s childhood friend, continued issuing utterances of displeasure at the mirror, something occurred to Tammy. “Wait,” she spoke out, “Terry, you haven’t seen what Dale’s going to wear, have you?”
“Well, I assume he’s wearing a tux,” the mouse answered, standing aside to let Dee check herself out.
The other bridesmaids, all of whom knew Dale, chuckled conspiratorially... except Foxglove, who merely smiled knowingly. “Head over to the guy’s tent and ask to see what the Best Man will be wearing,” Tammy advised, “Believe me, you’ll stop complaining.”
As Terry departed for the groom’s tent, Dee took a place in the center of the tent, her back towards the entrance. “Ok everyone, stand clear,” the bride-to-be ordered, “I’m ready to give this thing a trial run.”
When it was clear everyone was a safe distance away, Raven declared, “All clear.”
Dee stood erect, holding a cluster of weeds to simulate a bouquet. Reaching up to the center of her chest she grabbed the silver wolf’s head pendant that was affixed to the V-shaped harness slung over her shoulders. Dee swiftly pulled downward with both paws, withdrawing the string that held the pastel fabrics of the gown secure to the harness. The inner and outer layers of the gown flowed down her figure to join the ‘bouquet’ at her feet, revealing a dark red tunic beneath, which preserved her modesty. Once the fabric had passed her paws she reached back above her shoulder with her right and clutched the handle of her sword and lifted it from it’s hangers and swung about to face her foe.
Mary Maplewood, who had stopped at the entrance, squeaked in surprise upon seeing the demonstration. “Hi, Mary!” Dee greeted her lightly, “Just making sure everything works the way it should in the event things go very wrong at the ceremony.”
“Like what?!” Mary demanded, still waiting for the shock to wear off.
Raven pointed out quite simply, “Someone or something getting past the wolves that wants to do us harm.”
“Oh,” was Mary’s unenthusiastic response. “Um, Dee,” Mary began hesitantly, “Can we talk?”
“Alone?” Dee guessed. Mary nodded. Stepping out of her gown, Dee handed her sword to Raven and pulled the harness off over her head. “Mom, Gadget, you can put the gown back together while Mary and I talk,” she suggested, handing the harness over to her sister.
Once her bridesmaids and mother had departed, Dee motioned to one of the stools nearby, “Do you wanna seat?”
“Thank you.” After both ladies had settled down, Mary finally broached the question that had bothered her since the previous night, “Why are you marrying Chip?”
Dee restrained the urge to reply with the trite ‘Because I love him’ knowing full well Mary wanted something more specific. “When I was younger I developed a less than respectable reputation, which you heard referred to that afternoon at the ‘Hole in the Wall’. At the time I didn’t realize how much of a problem that was, not until Raven and Becky were born.”
“Becky?” Mary inquired.
“Raven’s sister,” Dee explained.
Mary nodded in understanding, “That’s right, Chip had mentioned you lost a child... I remember now.”
“Anyhow,” Dee continued, “They’re the reason I wanted to turn my life around. I changed everything about myself, to be a completely different person from who I was. And part of that was avoiding relationships, I didn’t want anything more to do with them... it didn’t help that most of the guys that did try to get involved with me were only enticed by my reputation. Then there were the guys passing through looking for a thrill with a native girl. I made it a point to be all business. All I had was my interest in mental stimulation and the occasional adrenaline rush... Most guys had no interest in either.”
Mary was starting to get an idea why her son appealed to her. Chip had mentioned the similar interests but had assumed it was merely a young munk seeing what he wanted to see.
“Then the Rescue Rangers showed up,” Dee went on, “Chip didn’t try hitting on me... possibly because the first time he saw me I was hurling obscenities at my brother, but that’s beside the point. I had an opportunity to watch Chip. While Gadget was repairing the Ranger Wing he and the others had time to kill. Monty, Dale and Zipper wanted to watch tv... but Chip sat down with a detective novel. That piqued my interest so I wanted to get to know him better. It wasn’t long before he went into what the Rescue Rangers were and what they did. Here was this intelligent, good looking guy whose very way of life provided what I was looking for in life, and on top of that was able to help others doing so. And, very importantly, he knew nothing of my past. When he was showing interest in me, it was me, not the good-time girl I used to be.”
Dee paused awhile. She noted that Mary seemed to be digesting what she had told her and wasn’t just looking to justify a decision she’d already settled upon.
“I’ve heard from the other Rangers that Chip has had issues with his temper. I’m in no position to hold something like that against him myself,” Dee proceeded, “Anyhow, after Raven made it a point to attack me whenever we came into contact she very quickly wore out her welcome. Nobody wanted anything to do with her, all she did was cause problems. I had to twist Chip’s arm to convince him to give her another chance, he certainly didn’t want to... and that was before her behavior nearly got me killed. I had been the only person there to try to save her from herself, but now I was laid up in the hospital, I couldn’t defend her anymore... Chip could easily have lashed out at her the way she had lashed out at me- I couldn’t stop him, but he didn’t... in fact, he took her under his wing,” Dee couldn’t help but begin to tear up at the thought, “Of all the things anyone would have expected of him...” She choked up as a tear ran down her cheek. “He reached out to my little girl to help her.” Dee took a moment to collect herself before continuing, “If I didn’t love him already, that would do it. And I am not giving him up without a fight.”
Mary wasn’t quite sure how to proceed, but soon found an answer. Reaching out, she took Dee’s hand, “Well, you won’t be getting that fight from me.”
Chip was pacing around the tent fearing what was transpiring between the two most important women in his life. He hoped Fangs would warn him if he heard anything disastrous transpiring so he could at least try to intervene. However, what came next didn’t require chiropteran hearing to know it was coming.
“Alright boys, hide ‘em if you got ‘em! Bridesmaid comin’ through!” Terry came waltzing into the tent without any hesitation. Looking around, she demanded, “Bring me the Best Man!”
Bob laughed, “You used to be a lot more subtle when looking for dates, Terry!”
Dale came strutting over, “I am the Best Man... you will ever find.”
Terry would have been up to debating Dale’s boast had she not seen his tux. At least she thought it was a tux, though she couldn’t rule out the possibility he was being slowly digested by a psychotic chameleon. In any event, as long as Dale was wearing the psychotic chameleon to the wedding she was willing to put up with the bridesmaid’s dress. Terry gave the chipmunk a polite smile and promptly left. Shortly afterwards, she broke into hysterical laughter.
“Huh, wonder what’s got her in stitches?” Dale asked as he wandered outside. No sooner had he left the tent than a stranger handed him an envelope and wandered away. Dale looked the mysterious envelope over. ‘To the gorgeous groom’ it read on the front. “Hey, Chip, I think this is for you,” he pointed out as he handed it to his friend.
Now Chip looked it over. Opening the envelope, he noticed a folded slip of paper inside. Chip withdrew the paper and examined it. “Hope to elope... Don’t disappoint me... Meet me at...” the groom mumbled aloud as he read, “... Gonogwa, Your Blushing Bride.”
“Does that mean we can take the penguin suits off?” Fangs asked.
Chip ran things through his mind. “No,” he responded cautiously. Tucking the envelope and attendant note into a pocket, he proceeded out of the tent, “I should be back soon.”
The other groomsmen began talking amongst themselves about the unusual turn of events. They were just starting to debate what to do when the wedding coordinator came in. “Has anyone seen Mrs Maplewood?!” he asked.
“I did,” Mary responded as she walked into the tent behind him, “Do you want me to give her a message?”
“Finally,” the coordinator sighed, “Now we can fina-” He looked around, then asked desperately, “WHERE’S THE GROOM?!”
Chip made it a point to take a circuitous route to the meeting place with ‘Your Blushing Bride’. He felt something was up and he had a suspicion about who was responsible. However, the use of Seneca in the note seemed a little beyond the suspect’s means, in which case caution was strongly advised. If someone was intent upon doing harm to an attendee of the wedding they may have concluded the best time to strike was before the lupine security detail was roaming about. “Colette,” he sighed with relief as he snuck up on the squirrel.
“AAHHH!” she shrieked out of shock.
“I’m actually glad to see you,” Chip moaned as his relief mixed with annoyance.
Yes! Colette thought, mistaking his moan for one of desire. She had hoped she’d be able to lure him away with the note, now it was time for her act. “Oh, Chip,” she sighed with what she hoped sounded like longing. “I hope you can forgive me for pretending to be your fiancé, but I just couldn’t let you go through with this,” Colette pleaded, drawing closer, “You deserve someone safe, someone you know... someone who knows you...”
When she grabbed hold of him, Chip felt it was time to throw some cold water on the situation. “I was glad you weren’t my fiancé’s aunt,” he started, brushing her paws off of him, “Fat Cat, Rat Capone or any number of lowlifes that would want me dead. And as far as ‘who I deserve’... I had that discussion with my parents last night and I’m in no mood to go through that again.” As he left, he called back, “And I feel sorry for whatever poor schlub you ‘convinced’ to teach you a little Seneca.”
Colette ground her teeth as she watched him leave, he hadn’t even given her time to make her argument. This was turning out to be harder than she thought it would be. However, she wasn’t giving up, she still had time. Though she usually wasn’t one for taking them, she was now determined to take a trophy back with her to remember this conquest... perhaps that cute little fedora she’d seen him wearing earlier.
Chapter Four
Chip marched back to the groom’s tent. People who saw the chipmunk coming made it a point to get out of his way. He had expected the possibility of things going wrong and had prepared for most of them, Colette wasn’t in any of the scenarios he’d envisioned... which only added to the annoyance factor. He was still picking her fur off of his tux when he arrived back at the groom’s tent. “Excuse me,” he ordered, finding the wedding coordinator blocking the door.
“Get in here!” the mouse demanded as he grabbed chip by the arm and practically flung him inside. “Now that we are all here, finally,” he began, “we can head to the alter for the rehearsal.” Beckoning everyone to follow, the wedding coordinator proceeded to lead the groom and his entourage to the sheltered glen where the ceremony was to be held.
“Hey, Chip, while I’m thinking about it,” Bob started, walking over to his future brother-in-law, “I figured I should warn you about something that might happen at the bachelor party.”
“Warn me?” Chip asked with a hint of concern.
“A couple generations ago, some of the girls in our clan started a tradition,” Bob began, “They figured, since they’re part of the Wolf Clan, they should act a bit more wolf-like, so they decided to raid the bachelor party and make off with one of the guys... y’know, like a pack taking off a member of a herd.”
“And that’s become a tradition?” Chip inquired.
“Only when the bride is from the Wolf Clan,” Bob clarified, “I just figured I should warn you so you’re not too surprised when it happens.” There was moment of silence before he pondered aloud, “Though, considering Dee and Gadget are both going to be infolfed...”
“Let’s just hope it doesn’t involve explosions,” Chip laughed, albeit uneasily.
As night descended on the city, the groom’s concern of feminine trouble was mirrored by another member of his family. “She’s comin’ for me!” Gunther declared as he wheeled himself into the living room, “I can feel it!”
“Who’s coming for you, Dad?” Chet asked, having been torn away from canoodling with his beloved on the couch.
“Do you have to ask?” Mary groaned.
“The Reaper!” Gunther hollered, “She’s comin’ for my soul!”
Chet pinched the bridge of his nose as he tried to explain things to his father, “The ‘Grim Reaper’ is staying with her adopted parents tonight and I don’t think they’d approve of her reaping the soul of her future stepfather’s grandfather.”
“From what I hear the Southmonts are very attentive parents,” Mary joined in as politely as she could, “So they’ll want to make sure she’s good and rested for her duties as a bridesmaid tomorrow.”
“Bah!” Gunther discounted, “What duties? A bridesmaid just stands there! She could be up all night stealing souls and just count on the other bridesmaids to hold her up!”
“There’s only one way to end this,” Chet sighed. Getting up, he grabbed his father’s wheelchair, “I’m gonna take you over to the Southmonts’ place and get Raven to promise not to take your soul, ok?”
“I knew it! You’re handing me over to DE-E-EATH!!” Gunther wailed on his way out of the door.
“Oh, if only he were,” Mary sighed as she closed the door behind them.
Of all the people Ben Southmont expected to see when he answered the door, Chet Maplewood and his father were not among them. “I know this is going to be really strange but,” Chet began, taking a breath before continuing, “Is the Grim Reaper in?”
It only took a few seconds for Ben to realize what Chet meant. “No, Raven left a little while ago.”
“I told ya’! She’s after me!” Gunther yelled at his son, “Probably passed each other on the way here.”
“She’s probably just visiting Fangs,” Ben explained, “He’s staying with Amanda.”
“She left with Fangs a while ago,” Amanda revealed when Chet showed up with his father.
Chester Maplewood would have been far more successful had he started his search with Tammy, as the young squirrel would have told him when she heard a familiar tapping at the bedroom window. “Hi, Raven,” she greeted her friend who happened to be clinging to the bark of the tree just beneath the window, and whose boyfriend was just overhead (upside down of course), “Fangs.”
“Wanna go spy on the bachelor party with us?” Raven asked mischievously.
“Sorry,” Tammy answered, “I’ve got to watch Bink tonight... Mom’s at the bachelorette party.”
Both mouse and bat stared at the squirrel for a moment before jointly inquiring, “What?”
“Your mother invited my mother to her bachelorette party,” Tammy elucidated plainly.
“Why?!” Raven asked in utter bewilderment, “I thought they hated each other.”
“Actually, Mom only hates you,” Tammy reminded her friend, “and Fangs.” As Raven pondered the odd turn of events, Tammy offered her own theory, “I think they’re cooperating to keep us out of trouble... well, to keep me out of trouble at least. I can’t go anywhere if I’m keeping an eye on Bink.”
Sensing Tammy’s disappointment, Fangs tried to cheer her up, “If it’s any consolation, Tammy, at least your mother’s not insisting you need a babysitter anymore.”
Bidding farewell to their friend, Raven and Fangs moved on to the bachelor party. Amongst the weeds and shrubbery surrounding the Moose Hall they found the rodents’ entrance. Though they could have slipped in easily enough using Raven’s magic, the possibility of accidental discovery would have been greatly increased, so instead they lurked outside the large window near the entrance. The two were pleased to discover that they had arrived before the festivities had commenced and the early arrivals were simply milling about. But as more guests arrived, they spied a pair approaching that they certainly hadn’t expected to see.
Chip was just as surprised to see his father and Gunther when he arrived at the entrance. “Dad? Grampa?”
“Sorry ‘bout this,” Chet began with a sigh, “But Dad’s convinced Raven’s going to take his soul tonight and has made it intolerable for your mother and me. I figured the bachelor party could keep him distracted.” Chip just stood there, giving his father a ‘Why me?’ look. “Think of it as a family tradition,” Chet offered, “He was at my bachelor party, he’ll be at yours and you can dump him on your son’s.”
“I don’t think he’ll be alive then, Dad,” Chip countered.
“Oh yes he will,” Chet stated with certainty, “He’s too stubborn to die.”
While Chip and his father were arguing over who got stuck with Gunther, Raven decided to have a little fun. She had been using her magic to keep both Fangs and herself invisible but wondered what would happen if the Reaper should appear. Picking up a pebble, she took careful aim. Noticing a small ‘tick’ on the side of his wheelchair, Gunther gazed off into the surrounding darkness and... there she was! “DE-E-EATH!” he cried, pointing to the black hooded figure with his cane.
Of course, by the time Chet and Chip looked, Raven had vanished. Chet grabbed his father’s cane and forced it into Chip’s paws. “There are dancing girls here, Dad!” he declared, shoving Gunther through the open door.
“Gee, thanks, Dad,” Chip lamented, retreating back into the hall.
As Chet turned to leave he noticed Raven. She had her hood down and was smiling politely and gave an innocent wave. Chester lumbered off on the way back to his wife... nursing a splitting headache.
The party was going great despite the temporary interruption caused by Gunther’s arrival. Cheddarhead Charlie did his part to keep the guys entertained with his wild stories of adventures past, oft times competing with his son when it came to seeing whose encounters were the most outrageous and unbelievable. And both Chip and Dale were thrilled to hear some of the juicier details of Monty’s exploits that he didn’t dare mention when Gadget was around... Raven rather enjoyed them herself.
“Hey, Monty,” Dale nudged, “Think it’s time?”
“Time enough,” the Aussie agreed. Everyone seemed to know what was up as the two disappeared into the back rooms of the hall. Though they didn’t quite expect it to take so long.
Cheddarhead was about to start into another story to stave off boredom when Dale came backing into the room hauling an enormous cake. “Sorry it took so long,” Dale heaved as he lugged it across the floor, “It musta moved since we brought it in. We had to split up to look for it!”
“Someone wanna go find Monty to let ‘im know we found it?” Bob asked, “It’d be a shame for him to miss this!”
“Too right!” Monty’s dad agreed, leaning in to examine the cake, “‘Specially considerin’ it seems t’be a chee-e-e-”
A secret panel suddenly opened on the cake and several sets of feminine paws shot out and grabbed hold of Cheddarhead Charlie, dragging him inside... his hat flying off in the process. One paw, though, was polite enough to snatch his hat from the air and pull it in as well. There was a burst of high pitched cheering from within the cake as the once hidden door slammed shut. The other males jumped back as the Trojan pastry began to scoot about the floor of it’s own accord. It paused briefly, then sped for the entrance with obvious intent and, with an explosion of frosting, burst through the door on it’s way to the bachelorette party. Raven and Fangs couldn’t help but follow out of curiosity.
“Sorry it took so long, lads,” Monty apologized, backing into the room with the ‘real’ cake, “Some blighter musta’ moved it after we brought it in.” Looking about, the expressions of the other guys didn’t seem to fit the occasion, “Right, now, what did I miss?”
“I hate to have to tell you this, Monty,” Dale started, sounding as dire as he could, “But the cake took your dad.”
“Lad, maybe you oughta’ lay off the acorn cider for a bit,” Monty offered obliviously.
Just as Bob began to explain to Monty what had transpired while he was out, the cake gave a sudden shudder. This shudder was followed in turn by a high-pitched scream. All eyes were now intently focused on the cake as a grey blur, barely discernible as a squirrel, came leaping out of the cake and into Chip’s arms. The lingerie clad female gestured back towards the cake screaming, “THERE’S SOMETHING IN THERE!!”
“Where?” asked the weasel who popped up out of pastry. Drywall (aka ‘Snoop’, aka ‘General Nuisance’) hopped out of the cake and began frantically searching about the hall for the ‘something’.
“Colette,” Chip sighed, “It’s just Snoop.” Then something occurred to the chipmunk. “Colette?!” he barked in disbelief.
Setting aside the fright she’d received from the creepy weasel, she went into her act. “Hello there, big boy,” the squirrel purred to her prey. As the other males erupted into a chorus of howls and hooting, Colette was convinced she finally had Chip. How could he possibly turn down her advances with the entire bachelor party egging him on. But he did anyway, dropping her on her rear.
Just as Colette hopped to her feet to continue her flirting the door burst open. She turned, as did all the others, to face the entrance. “NOBODY MOVE!” hollered the diminutive human-like person who was clad in red tights and brandishing what appeared to be a toy gun. It wasn’t long before everyone burst into laughter.
That’s when the newcomer vaporized the cake with his laser. With a short shriek, Colette leapt back up into Chip’s arms. Once more, Chip dropped her on her rear.
“I need hostages and you’re all it!” the stranger proclaimed, “Now, everyone onto the ship, single file!”
“Wowie-zowie!” Dale exclaimed, “A real alien abduction!”
Indeed, just outside the Moose was a vehicle unlike any seen on Earth. One by one the members of the bachelor party exited the hall and subsequently boarded the strange craft. Just as Chip was wheeling Gunther on board, with the alien close behind, Snoop noticed what was happening. He had been exploring the interior of the human structure but was attracted by the sudden onslaught of unusual noises from the ‘party’. Peering out into the night his eyes beheld something wonderful... a strange brightly lit doorway through which he spied BLINKY LIGHTS!! The obsessively curious weasel tore across the span between the building and spaceship in record time, rudely knocking the alien out of the way. Once inside the craft, Snoop became an indiscernible blur as he raced about in a manic frenzy, inspecting everything... inadvertently pressing a few buttons in the process.
The alien quickly righted himself and spun about looking for whoever it was that had ambushed him. “Automated liftoff sequence activated,” the ship’s computer announced. He turned around just in time to see the boarding hatch of the vessel slam shut, locking him outside... and the bachelor party inside. The alien raced over in hopes of using the manual override to get in before the ship lifted off. Unfortunately, he had left the engine running so, as soon as the hatches were secured, the ship began to rise. It’s ascent accelerated till it was nothing but a speck of light, lost among the stars. Stranded on a strange world, the spaceship he had stolen having been stolen from him, the alien criminal stood staring into the night sky... cursing the Goddess of Karmic Payback, Debbie. His cursing, however, was cut short as he heard natives approach. He cloaked himself with the assistance of some advanced technology so as not to startle them... or risk getting caught.
“Why didn’t she tell me it was a tradition in her clan?” Raven wondered aloud as she and Fangs walked back to the bachelor party.
“Our clan,” Fangs corrected, “I mean, your clan. Remember, you and Dee are related.”
“All the more reason to be upset that I wasn’t told,” was Raven’s response.
“She probably figured you’d insist on being involved,” Fangs speculated.
“I’m just ticked we mighta’ missed out on something at the bachelor party while we were following that cake!” Raven finally admitted, “If I’d known about that tradition we wouldn’t have had to find out where it was going.”
Once the couple had returned to the Moose, they quickly realized something was amiss. “What happened?” Fangs inquired, peering into the empty hall.
“I don’t think Dale could have convinced them all to play hide-and-seek,” Raven safely reasoned.
Fangs focused on his hearing in hopes of pinpointing the voices of any of the attendees in the vicinity. No voices, but he did notice suspicious movement close by. The vampire’s concern grew when his echolocation told him there was a person hiding in the underbrush but his eyes told him otherwise. “There’s someone here,” he whispered to Raven, “only he’s invisible.”
“Not good,” she responded. Taking hold of the bat’s wing, she made themselves invisible. “Let’s try to get a better look at him,” she suggested, “Lead the way.” Fangs used his echolocation to close on the mysterious individual, trying to, along with Raven, make as little noise as possible.
Despite the couple’s attempt at acoustic stealth, they were giving off enough noise that the alien was alerted to their approach. Fearing their intent, he slowly edged away from them. Soon, all three were locked in an odd cat-and-mouse game.
Meanwhile, somewhere in space... “NOBODY TOUCH ANYTHING!” Chip ordered.
“Can we touch her?” Bob asked, motioning to Colette.
“No!” Chip responded, “Besides, you’re married.”
“It’s all because of that weasel!” Gunther declared, “It’s all a plot to get us up here where we can’t escape... so he can eat us!”
“It may be his fault,” Chip agreed in part, “But Snoop’s not going to eat us. Now, our primary responsibility should be getting back down.”
“Looks like the Best Man is the best man for the job,” Dale proclaimed, stepping forward boldly.
“Since when?” Chip countered.
“Since I’m the only one here who’s actually piloted a spaceship,” was Dale’s response, “Lest you forget I was the one who piloted that Fleeblebroxian ship.”
“True,” Chip agreed, “But they also ordered you back to Dtz’s room for piloting it so badly. Gadget’s really the only one of us that’s piloted an alien ship all that well.”
“Then we’re in luck,” Monty stepped forward, “I was payin’ real close attention when she was at the controls of that dino-ship, so I picked up a few things from our little genius.”
“Yeah, but I’m the only one actually related to the genius!” Bob boasted.
As Dale, Monty and Bob compared their supposed spaceship piloting skills, Chip was increasingly distracted by the chanting of “Dance! Dance! Dance!” from the other guys.
“Would you all keep it down?!” Chip ordered.
“Sorry,” someone spoke up, “But we were thinking that while you all were trying to figure out how to get us down, the dancing girl here could provide a little entertainment.”
Chip sighed in frustration. “Under the circumstances that’s a little inappropriate,” he explained.
“Absolutely!” Colette agreed. Chip was her mark and she was trying to convince him she wanted his attention and his alone, entertaining the others behind his back certainly wasn’t going to help. Cozying up to Chip, she looked scornfully back to the others, “It’s Chip’s night and I don’t think it’s right for the party to start unless he’s free.”
One of the guys came forward while Colette was preoccupied making googly eyes at Chip. “She’s right, lad,” he spoke with a distinctly Irish accent, “So set aside the work and let’s have the party you so rightly deserve.”
Turning her head to see who was speaking, Colette saw what seemed to be the strangest thing she’d ever seen, a tiny human dressed all in green. “AAAAAHHH!!!” the squirrel screamed as she tried to hide behind Chip.
“Colette,” Chip sighed, “it’s just the King of the Leprechauns.”
Within moments of the statement being made nearly everyone had dog piled on the minute monarch. For his part, Darby Spree seemed quite blasé about the turn of events as he easily climbed free of the greedy mass. “Twas a good try, lads,” he explained, “But me pot of gold won’t do anyone any good unless we can get our feet firmly upon the good Earth.”
“I take it your magic doesn’t extend out into space,” Chip assumed.
“Right ‘ya are, lad,” Darby confirmed, “And had I known that I wouldn’t ‘ave let things get this far. But, since this is supposed to be a party...”
“We land first,” Chip explained, “If we’ve got time left, then we can have a party.”
“That’s no fun,” Dale complained.
Chip turned to Dale and explained, “Neither’s the image I get of me showing up an hour or so late for my wedding to a bride, in tears, CLUTCHING A BAT’LETH!!!”
“I see your point,” Dale agreed.
Chip paced about, stroking his chin thoughtfully. “Now, if we’re going to get back to Earth,” he thought aloud, “the first thing we need to know where we are. So, where are we?”
Before five separate people, Dale among them, could answer ‘space’, the ship’s computer piped up. “Now displaying current location on stellar cartographic charts,” the delightfully feminine voice of the computer announced as the mentioned charts appeared on the forward view screen.
“So this ship’s got a verbal interface?” Dale asked.
“That is affirmative,” came the computerized response.
“Hey, will you dance for us?” Bob asked.
“Buy me a few magnetically sealed containers of anti-matter and we will talk,” was the computer’s counter offer.
“Interesting AI,” Chip commented. “Computer,” he commanded, “plot a course for Earth.”
“I am unable to locate ‘Earth’ on the navigational charts,” the computer replied.
Dale shook his head, smiling. “Don’t you know anything, Chip?” he asked rhetorically, “Aliens wouldn’t call Earth ‘Earth’, that’s what us uncivilized natives call it. They’d call it something like Aldebaran 4 or something.”
“Alright, smart guy,” challenged Chip, “Let’s see what you can come up with!”
“Very well,” Dale haughtily accepted. “Computer,” he commanded, “Manual navigational controls, please.”
A panel on the floor opened and a computerized dashboard and pilot’s seat rose up. Dale hopped into the seat. As Dale cracked his knuckles the computer stated, “Be gentle.”
“Don’t worry, baby,” the chipmunk drawled.
“My life is flashing before my eyes,” Chip remarked ruefully, “And I’m not strangling Dale nearly enough.”
Chapter Five
Dale happily piloted the alien vessel among the stars and, much to Chip’s surprise, actually acknowledged the computer’s polite warnings regarding the speed limit. It was only after Dale’s observance of such matters that the munk of the hour stopped grinding his teeth out of anxiety. And it was only after Chip had clearly relaxed a bit before Colette decided to make another play for him.
“Chip?” she asked, gently pulling him aside, “Since Dale’s busy getting us back home... and so many of the other guys seem interested in the ‘scenery’,” she added, looking towards the crowd that had gathered around Dale and the main view screen, “I was thinking maybe we could talk?”
Chip inhaled deeply then exhaled. It was going to be a long trip home if she kept this up, he concluded... so he may as well let her ‘put on her show’. “Fine,” he sighed, “Let’s see if we can find someplace where we won’t be interrupted.”
Colette exuberantly bounced at hearing his agreement... he was as good as hers. As they looked about for some doorway or corridor she caught sight of Darby again. Again, she squealed out of shock and hid behind Chip. It might not have been so bad if he weren’t staring at her. “What are you even doing here?!” she demanded of the creepy little man while crouched behind the chipmunk.
“Oh, you see the Rescue Rangers rescued me people and I from the clutches of that foul Queen o' the Banshees,” Darby proceeded to explain, “In doing so they gained the eternal gratitude and respect of the Little People, an’ when I heard Chip was to give his heart to another I felt obliged to pay me respects to the loving couple... and partake of some o’ the celebration.”
“But why are you staring at me?” Colette asked.
“I have a weakness for Nature’s wonders,” he confessed.
“Don’t you have any squirrels in Ireland?” she inquired in irritation.
“Ah, that we do, lass,” Darby confirmed, “But not a one can compare to your beauty.”
“I know,” Colette reflexively concurred, which was hardly surprising to Chip.
Politely excusing themselves, Chip and Colette found some cover in a corridor out of sight of the others. “Ok, you wanted to talk to me,” Chip offered, “You’ve got your chance.”
Colette was a little put off by the tone of Chip’s voice. She couldn’t detect any of the enthusiasm or passion she had heard earlier. Perhaps it was having his bachelor party interrupted by an alien abduction. Whatever it was, it wasn’t going to stop her. Colette had never failed to seduce any male she set her sights on, and Chip wasn’t going to be any different. Setting aside any doubts or concerns she went into her act.
With what Chip had heard about what Colette had been up to since they parted he had expected a better performance. She may have been taller and more voluptuous than when they were teenagers, but she was still the same manipulator. The movements, looks and voice were more refined, but that was to be expected. By and large, her act wasn’t that different from that put on by any other would be femme fatales he’d encountered. Chip wasn’t sure whether to be flattered that she was putting this much trouble into seducing him or insulted that she actually thought it would work.
Colette had made her presentation, that she had learned too late that she had always loved him, that she needed him. With tears in her eyes, implying that she would break down if he was to cold-heartedly reject her, she pleaded for his heart, if not forever than at least for the night. That was it, now it was all up to him.
Chip ran things through his mind, all the possible responses. In the end he settled on the painfully blunt, “You are pathetic.”
“What?!” Colette’s childlike, pleading voice was replaced by that of an experienced and irritated older woman. The facade, along with the tears she had been threatening to cry, had vanished.
“You never grew up,” Chip continued, shaking his head, “You’re still the petty, selfish, manipulator you were when we were kids. You wiggle your tail, blow in someone’s ear, get guys to do whatever you want. Haven’t you done anything else with your life? You expect me to love you, but how can I love you when you don’t even love yourself. Just look at the humiliation you’re subjecting yourself to just to seduce me. And for what? So you can convince yourself you’re more woman than my fiancé, that no matter how I love her I just can’t resist your charms? Well I have news for you, she is far more woman than you. She used to be something like you but she wanted more out of life, she realized what a joke she had let her life become. And she made that realization when she was thirteen. You? You’re thirty and you still haven’t figured it out!” Chip paused before finishing, “I’m embarrassed just to be associated with you. Dale has more of a life than you. Here’s some advice: Grow up. Get a life.”
Colette glared at Chip. She was so angry she couldn’t think straight. Not that it mattered, she had never planned on rejection, it just never happened to her before. But she had to do something. Colette crossed her arms and said the only thing she could think to say, “Is it cold in here, or is it just you?”
Chip rolled his eyes and walked away, he’d left Dale unattended long enough. Colette went the other way, the last thing she wanted was to spend time around a shipload of males she had absolutely no interest in... while wearing a lingerie. There had to be crew’s quarters somewhere on the ship she reasoned, and those quarters certainly must have a change of clothes, hopefully something modest. But as she searched, Colette couldn’t help but stew over what Chip had said.
Managing to open what appeared to be a door, the jilted seductress found her way into what appeared to be someone’s quarters. How dare he lecture me as if I were some kind of child! Colette thought as she searched for anything resembling dresser drawers... or a closet. She spotted a panel that seemed to fit the bill. Chip was always the child, she continued in her mind, not only is he two years younger, he didn’t even know what love was until I taught him. The panel slid aside after a little tapping on her part, but there was only one piece of clothing hanging inside. It appeared to be a turtleneck sweater.
“Need a mirror,” Colette muttered as she examined the red garment. She was startled to see another panel slide up revealing just what she’d requested. The squirrel beauty positioned herself before the full length mirror, admiring her form. Heh, Chip’s still a child, Colette thought, He doesn’t even recognize a real woman when he sees one! “It’d be a shame to hide such a wonder of Nature under this,” she sneered as she compared herself with the sweater. But, I don’t want those desperate losers drooling all over me, she considered as she slipped the heavy garment on. Oh yeah, plenty unflattering, Colette thought as she modeled the sweater, but I look like a kid with the sleeves this long, if only they were shorter.
No sooner had she entertained the thought than the sleeves slid up her arms, revealing Colette’s delicate paws. “AAAAHHHOooh!” she shrieked/cooed, “Neat!” With her next mental command, the sweater snugged up till it hugged her figure perfectly, “Ni-i-i-ice. Well, I guess it’s not a complete wash.” She began to strut out of the room until she remembered, Oh right, bulky and unflattering. The alien sweater responded. “Ahhh, unappealing.”
Colette found her way back to the ‘party’ just as the discontent over Dale’s piloting was reaching critical mass. “Dale, we’ve passed that purple planet with the two rings three times already,” Bob complained.
“Oh come on, there could be hundreds of planets like that,” Dale countered, “It’s a big universe.”
“Everyone who thinks we’re no closer to Earth than when we left, raise your hand,” Chip marshaled. Dale’s was the only hand not raised.
“Oh, and you have a better idea to get us back?!” Dale indignantly asked his friend.
“Well... um,” Chip stalled.
“Why don’t we just stop and ask directions?” Colette inquired.
All eyes were soon focused on the squirrel. “Figures it’d be the only female here who would say that,” someone intoned.
Colette was in no mood for that kind of attitude. “Computer!” she barked, “Take us to the nearest piece of civilization so we can ask directions!”
“Now under way to the Neerin Four Refueling Station,” the computer confirmed to the groans and complaints of the males. The grumbling only increased when the ship settled into a docking bay, yet politely ceased when the computer signaled it was safe to open the main docking hatch.
Colette stood proudly at the door, prepared to solve the problem that had vexed the males. Then the door opened. “EEEEEEEEK!!!” the squirrel shrieked upon seeing the giant coveralls wearing insect waiting outside.
Chip quickly pushed Colette aside and addressed the alien, “Excuse me, may I ask you a question?”
“Soitainly,” the alien responded.
“Can you tell us how to get to Earth?” Chip asked.
“Oight? Never hoid o’ it,” was the less than useful answer. “Need ya’ windshield squeegied?” he inquired himself, lifting his bucket and squeegie.
“Ah... no, sorry,” Chip replied with a shrug, “We’re in a bit of a hurry.” Closing the boarding hatch he turned to the others, “Ok, anybody have any other ideas?”
After a moment of thought, Zipper squeaked excitedly. “Hey, sounds like Zipper’s got a plan!” Monty announced. The fly buzzed over to the pilot’s seat and confidently addressed the computer.
No one else had much of an idea what Zipper had said until the computer responded, “Plotting course for last planetary landing site.”
“Way to go, Zip!” Dale cheered.
“Anyone else feel stupid for not thinking of that earlier?” Bob asked.
An air of relief settled upon those aboard the ship... with the exception of Colette. Her frumpy sweater did little to deter Darby’s advances. She spent a great deal of time trying to keep as much distance between the two of them as possible. The others couldn’t quite fathom her behavior since a leprechaun in the hand was worth a pot of gold in the bank. Bob even pointed that out to her when she ducked behind him, and for a moment she considered whether her revulsion for furless creatures was greater than her lust for material gain. However, catching sight of the minute monarch again settled the matter... leprechauns were simply too creepy for her tastes, pot of gold or no.
“Hey Chip,” Dale addressed his friend, “You wouldn’t have any idea where me and Monty could find some spray paint and a couple space suits, would you?”
“I’m afraid to ask,” Chip sighed, “But... Why?”
Dale answered, “We want to go out and paint ‘CND Party Barge’ on the side of the ship.”
Chip was lost for words, albeit temporarily. “Do I even have to explain what’s wrong with that?” he asked, “We may not have meant to steal this ship but we did, and now you’re asking me to help you two deface stolen property?”
“You were right, Monty,” Dale conceded, turning to the Aussie, “He wouldn’t go for it.”
Though Chip knew the ship was stolen, he didn’t know how stolen it really was. The officers the ship passed by, though, did know. “Ybrik, wasn’t that the ship stolen by Pihsaelots Ohwyug?”
“That’s the one, Noodlum,” Ybrik confirmed, checking their database, “Lay in a pursuit course.”
The passengers of the informally named ‘CND Party Barge’ were blissfully unaware of the fact they were being followed. However, the ship’s sensors detected the police cruiser and, acting on a program inputted by the nefarious Pihsaelots Ohwyug, alerted the passengers, “Cheese it! The cops!”
“What?” Chip inquired.
“Accelerating to escape velocity,” the computer informed the passengers.
“Wait!” Chip declared, “Hold it!” Unfortunately, any efforts to reason with the computer were futile, things were already well out of the chipmunk’s control.
“He’s making a break for it,” Noodlum informed his partner.
“I see it,” Ybrik confirmed, “Preparing a warning shot.”
“Incoming fire,” was the only warning the computer could give Chip and the others before the warning shot rocked the ship. The computer alerted the passengers amid the blaring klaxons, “Engaging in evasive maneuvers.”
Through the flashing red lights Chip could see Earth on the view screen. “Just get us on the ground!” he ordered.
“I can do both,” the computer responded.
“Safely?” Monty asked.
The computer replied honestly, as the view screen displayed a roller coaster ride descent through the atmosphere, “We’ll find out.”
“SAINTS PRESERVE US!!!” Darby pleaded, falling to his knees.
Chip almost disappeared as both Dale and Colette clung to him in fear.
“I’M TOO YOUNG TO DIE!!!” Dale screamed.
“I’M TOO BEAUTIFUL TO DIE!!!” cried Colette.
But, as all the other passengers lost their wits over the impending crash landing, Gunther remained unconcerned. He had other problems on his mind, foremost among them the screaming weasel that was clinging to him, “HE’S TRYING TO EAT ME!!!”
Chapter Six
As the bachelor party was coming down to Earth, the sun had already risen the day of the wedding. Dee and all but one of her bridesmaids had already donned their gowns and were making final preparations, including treatment of the Bride’s hair. Amanda sat her daughter down and proceeded to take a comb to Dee’s locks.
“You would have to inherit my bangs wouldn’t you,” Amanda complained as she tried to part her daughter’s hair down the middle, “This wouldn’t efen be a problem if you’d grow them out.”
“I didn’t know you were planning on having your hair done up, Dee,” Gadget pointed out.
“It’s one of the few noticeable customs our tribe has regarding marriage,” Dee informed her sister.
“Hardly anyone bothers with it anymore,” Amanda explained, “Before wedding rings became common a lady’s marital status was shown by how she wore her hair. Females old enough to marry kept their hair parted down the middle, it would be tied back into two separate braids while they were single then replaced by a single braid when they married.”
Gadget thought for a moment, idly playing with her own hair. “Think you could do my hair when you’re done with Dee’s?” she asked her mother.
“Sure,” Amanda smiled.
“Would it be too much trouble to do mine too?” Tammy ventured.
“That’s fine,” the elder agreed. Turning about, she spied another bridesmaid, “Terry?”
“Hey, why not,” she shrugged.
“Uh... Mom?” Gadget broached gingerly.
Amanda’s curiosity was piqued by her eldest daughter’s tone, “Yes?”
“Um, I noticed you keep your hair in a single braid,” Gadget began, “Is that for... Dee’s... dad?”
“Nooooo,” Amanda confirmed with a measure of relief, “That’s for your father.”
Tammy tried to put what she knew about their family in perspective... and it didn’t work. “I’m confused,” she interjected, “Weren’t you married to Dee’s father last?”
“Yes and no,” Amanda replied simply as she continued working on Dee’s hair, “I don’t know how the human tribe did things before European marriage customs came along but our tribe adopted marriage laws suited to our style of warfare. It was fairly common for people, particularly females, to be kidnaped by warriors of a neighboring fillage or tribe, after which they were expected to become an actiff member of that fillage.”
“Expected?” Tammy asked, “Why would they want to?”
“I think being allowed to eat would have had something to do with it,” Dee supposed.
“Exactly,” Amanda confirmed, “There weren’t any supermarkets yet so there was no glut of excess food. If you weren’t contributing to the general well-being of the community you were cast out. That’s not to say some didn’t intentionally let themselfes be cast out in hopes of making their way back home on their own, it was just extremely rare to tempt death that way. Anyhow, this would result in someone having two mates, one from their native fillage and one among the fillage that kidnaped them. Over time, they may find their new fillage conquered by their old fillage and having to make a choice, take back up with their first mate or stand by the second who they may have married only out of necessity.” She paused before detailing how it all tied into her own life.
“When I met your father,” Amanda continued, looking to Gadget, “I had already rejected Dee’s father once, when he refused to come to my defense when his sister was trying to kill me, so by our tribe’s standards I was single and could take any husband I wanted. That turned out to be your father. When I returned to take care of my mother and keep my ex-in-laws from gaining custody of your brother I efentually remarried Dee’s father, but I nefer disafowed my bond to Gewgaw. Technically I was married to both. But when Dee’s father ran out on us he simplified the issue, I rejected him a second time.”
“And that left you still married to Dad,” Gadget realized.
“Correct,” assented Amanda cheerfully. However, the thought soon led to a conclusion that completely sucked the joy out of the discussion. “I guess that also makes me a widow,” she sighed. The matron set such thoughts aside as she focused on matters more merry, matters like her daughter’s marriage braid.
“Um, excuse me,” Mary Maplewood ventured, entering the bridal tent. She was warmly welcomed, but the sight of Dee and her bridesmaids all but prepared for the ceremony bothered her, particularly given the cause of her presence. She wasn’t even sure she should ask what she had come to ask... but realized excusing herself would make an inquiry from the others inevitable. “None of you have seen any of the groomsmen, have you?” Mary asked nervously, “Best Man, anybody else?”
“Hafen’t gotten back form the bachelor party?” Amanda laughed.
Mary laughed as well, though not as cheerfully, “That must be it! Gunther hasn’t been back either.”
A thought suddenly dawned on Amanda, “Come to think of it I hafen’t seen Fangs since he left with Rafen last night.” She finished Dee’s braid, “Done.”
Dee left the stool upon which she’d been seated and posed before the mirror. “Tammy,” she asked, examining the effect her new hair had on her appearance, “You wouldn’t by any chance know where they got off to, would you?”
“They, uh,” she stammered, feeling unusually self conscious, “They... went to spy on the bachelor party. They asked if I wanted to go along, but I had to keep an eye on Bink.”
“Spy on the bachelor party?” Dee asked.
“Yeah,” Tammy confirmed, blushing mildly.
“Guess I shouldn’t really be all that surprised,” Dee commented with a smile.
There was a period of quiet before Foxglove voiced the obvious, “So, nobody involved with the bachelor party has been accounted for?”
“You don’t suppose something happened to them, do you?” Terry ventured, “Gotten into some kind of trouble?” The silence that followed was unusually pregnant with all eyes on Dee and Mary.
“I’d actually feel sorry for any trouble that happened upon that particular bachelor party,” was Dee’s eventual response. However, her dour expression belied the apparent optimism of her statement.
“Maybe we should send somebody to check on them,” Gadget suggested as her mother worked on her hair.
“But check on them where?” Amanda countered, “They may still be at the Moose or they may already be on their way here.”
“They may have been abducted by aliens,” Tammy shrugged. Terry couldn’t help but emit a derisive chuckle at the teen’s suggestion.
Foxglove stepped in on Tammy’s behalf, “That’s really not all that unlikely, considering who we’re talking about.”
“If they were abducted by aliens I owe the girl a drink,” Terry snidely remarked, “I think it’s more likely Chip got cold feet and the others are trying to talk some sense into him.”
“Didn’t Monty say they were going to have a dancing girl for the bachelor party?” Gadget inquired.
“What would that have to do with anything?” Tammy followed up before thinking. Then it hit her, “Oh, you mean Chip might have run off with her. Gadget! How could you even think that?”
“I’m just considering every possibility,” Gadget replied, “I can’t ascribe a percentage of likelihood for any of them until after they’ve been denoted and considered in relation to what we know about Chip.”
“That’s hardly necessary,” Dee interjected, “This whole thing can’t go forward without both Chip and myself involved, so he knows he has to be here. He’ll do everything within his power to get here.” Amanda’s heart sank, not so much out of genuine fear that her daughter’s heart would be broken on her wedding day, but that her old cynicism had allowed the thought to enter her mind.
“Isn’t that being just a little too optimistic?” Mary asked. She certainly didn’t believe Chip would skip out with another woman, her fear was that her son finally concluded he’d rushed into things, “I have friends who have had to delay their weddings, even at the last minute, because someone had cold feet but it still did happen.”
“It’s not being ‘too optimistic’ to have faith in the people you love,” Dee countered, “Regardless of what anyone else thinks, I’m not giving up on Chip.”
“If you get there before I do,” Amanda began singing, “don’t give up on me,
I’ll meet you when my chores are through;
I don’t know how long I’ll be.
But I’m not gonna let you down, darling wait and see.
And between now and then, till I see you again,
I’ll be loving you. Love, me.”
Far from the bridal tent, where the mother of the bride continued to sing while she braided, her granddaughter continued to stalk through the underbrush with vampire in tow. Raven and Fangs both knew very well what the time was but were convinced that the invisible ‘someone’ they were tracking must know something about what happened to the bachelor party, and they weren’t letting him out of their acoustical sight until they found out what it was. Though, as dedicated as they were, the whole cat-and-mouse thing was getting old. Fortunately for them, something happened to alleviate the boredom.
The shanghaied ship came slamming into the ground hard enough to lift the mouse, bat and cloaked alien right off their feet. Under the circumstances, all three suspended their stalking and awaited whatever was to come next, though Raven and Fangs had less of an idea of what that might be than their prey who, in anticipation of the bachelor party’s emergence, set his weapon to freeze... he wasn’t taking the chance that his hostages would escape a second time.
No sooner had the hatch opened than Colette leapt out. “Earth!” she cried as she clutched at the ground, her tail flailing about joyously. The rest of the bachelor party wasn’t far behind and soon all had exited the vessel.
The alien criminal deactivated his cloaking field and emerged from the bushes. “No more tricks!” he commanded, taking aim at the assembled group before him.
“Says who?!” Raven yelled as she and Fangs jumped him. Their effort to subdue the alien was not quite as successful as they’d hoped as he was quickly able to shake off the both of them. Before the young mouse could right herself and make another lunge she found herself in the cross hairs of his weapon. Raven’s fear, what little the teen actually had, dissipated as quickly as the energy beam upon hitting her.
Being unaware that the youth’s cloak made her immune to a broad range of weaponry, the criminal was left wondering why the mouse didn’t have icicles dangling from her nose. He looked closely at the emitter crystal at the end of the weapon assuming that maybe there was something physically wrong with the device itself. In fact, he was so wrapped up in his concern for his malfunctioning weapon that he was unaware that the authorities had arrived.
“FREEZE!!” Officer Ybrik shouted.
The sudden noise so stunned the alien criminal that he inadvertently pulled the trigger... and froze himself.
“Heh-HEH-heh-heh-heh-heh-heh, hoo!” Gunther cackled in amusement.
Noodlum turned to his partner, “Why can’t more crooks be that considerate?”
Replacing his sidearm in his holster, Ybrik addressed the assembled locals, “We’ll have to ask for all of you to return with us to the station to provide statements, you are all witnesses after all. It shouldn’t take more than a few hours.”
“Hours?!” Chip exclaimed.
“If you’ll excuse me, lads,” Darby began, stepping forward, “I believe diplomatic immunity would preclude hauling me back to ‘the station’.”
“How do you figure?” Ybrik inquired.
“I am Darby Spree, King of the Leprechauns,” the monarch replied proudly.
Ybrik turned to his partner for verification, “Noodlum?”
“I’m checking,” the other officer mumbled as he checked a portable database, “Let’s see... Leprechauns... hereditary monarchy... current monarch: Darby Spree. Yep, he checks out.”
“Sorry for the inconvenience, your majesty,” Ybrik offered, “Now, the rest of you-”
“Are me royal entourage,” Darby interrupted.
“I beg your pardon?”
“What kind of King travels without his bodyguards and advisers?” Darby asked rhetorically, motioning to the bachelor party, then, pulling Colette over with an arm around her waist, added, “Not to mention me lovely consort.”
“Eeeewww!” the squirrel blurted out in disgust. Receiving a discreet jab from Chip, she amended with a forced smile, “I mean, you betcha!”
“What do you think?” Ybrik asked his partner.
“I think my wife’ll have my head if I’m late for dinner again,” Noodlum replied.
“Very well then,” Ybrik nodded to Darby and ‘his people’, “We won’t take up any more of your time.”
After the alien officers had stowed their prisoner and had departed with the stolen vessel in tow, Chip turned to his Irish guest, “That was some quick thinking- um, Darby?”
“Looks like he already split,” Dale commented, noting the leprechaun’s absence.
“That’s probably what we should be doing!” Monty pointed out.
“Right!” Chip declared as he broke into a run, “We’ve got a wedding to get to!”
“Aw, but I wanted that pot of gold,” Bob complained as he followed.
Dale tried to console him, “Trust me, it’s more trouble than it’s worth.”
Guests had already taken their seats within the open-air chapel just inside the edge of the forest when more sensitive ears detected frantic scampering in the distance. The sanctuary in which they waited was ringed by interlocking trellises gayly bedecked with flowers and streamers which meant the only clear line of sight was through the archway in the rear where the bride was to enter. The curious turned about in hopes of catching sight of the whoever it was, if they happened to pass that way. They were not disappointed... well, not entirely. The blur that tore past wasn’t visible long enough to make out much in the way of details, though at the very least it appeared to be a dark brown mouse on all fours.
“What’s he wearing?” someone asked, “A cape?”
“I think that was the bride’s daughter,” another supposed.
Indeed, it was Raven that had zoomed past. The groom’s tent had been reached first as it was closest along the path of travel, leaving her to sprint the last few feet to the bridal tent alone.
“That sounds like our missing bridesmaid now,” Foxglove noted as her ears twitched.
Soon the other ladies within the bridal tent heard the distinctive pattering of four paws on slightly dewy grass... which culminated in an odd ‘slushing’ sound. All eyes were on the entrance when Raven went sailing by on her stomach, pawing frantically at the ground. They would have heard the girl bemoan in the most graphic vulgarity having lost her footing had they not broken out into raucous laughter at the expression they’d seen on her face as she passed.
“Chip’s here!” Raven exclaimed once she finally made it into the tent, “No need to kill him.”
“I’m not going to kill him,” Dee chuckled, “I’m going to marry him.” Raven stared in horror at the implication. “Not in the vengeful ‘I’ll make him wish he was dead’ way,” she reassured her daughter, “I just assumed the bachelor party ran long.” After a pause, Dee added conspiratorially, “By the way, you owe me details.”
“I’d have better details if Fangs and I hadn’t followed that stupid Trojan cake of yours,” Raven groused as she frantically dressed. Dee and the others who had been at the bachelorette party couldn’t help but break into a fit of poorly concealed giggles as they remembered the previous night. “Yeah, laugh it up,” the teen replied sarcastically, straightening out her dress, “You weren’t the ones who spent hours lurking through the underbrush trying to find ‘the invisible man’!”
The giggles were suddenly replaced by confused stares. The girl’s response seemed a little too quick to be made up, but seemed a little too odd to be taken seriously. “Like I said, you owe me details,” Dee reminded her daughter as they left to take their places.
“Alien abduction?” Tammy calmly inquired of her friend.
“Oh yeah,” Raven nodded assuredly.
Tammy turned to Terry, “I believe you owe me a drink.”
Stragglers from the bachelor party trickled into the chapel as the persons of honor prepared to take their places. Among the stragglers, a statuesque grey squirrel. Trying to avoid too much attention, particularly from the Groom’s family and friends, she took a seat well in the back. While those around her were looking forward to a wonderful, beautiful ceremony, she was hoping the coming ceremony would be as miserable as the night before had been for her. And it would be, if she had anything to do with it.
Chapter Seven
A wave of murmurs swept over the guests when the bridesmaids and groomsmen were spotted lining up just outside the archway. However, once it was clear the ceremony was finally ready to proceed a polite silence soon prevailed. A couple wolves lumbered closer to the chapel to get a better look as the procession began down the aisle. Side by side the two lines advanced; Dale, the Best Man leading Monty, Zipper, Bob and Fangs while to their right, Gadget, the Maid of Honor led Raven, Terry, Tammy and Foxglove.
When the bridesmaids and groomsmen reached the two tiered altar at the front of the chapel they parted ways and ascended the few steps on the far ends that led them onto the lower platform. The two columns advanced towards one another before coming to a stop just short of the center set of steps that led to the upper platform where Judge Brown had been waiting patiently. Behind the elderly jurist, a safe distance back, stood a tapered white candle that would otherwise adorn a human’s dinner table.
All eyes turned back towards the arch as Chip and his mother entered the chapel next. Mary led the Groom by the arm down the aisle. Many of the friends and family who watched them pass thought that they both seemed prouder than they’d ever remembered seeing them before. Mary released her son when they reached the dais leaving him to ascend the center steps himself while she used the stairs at the far end. Shortly she met back up with her son atop the altar.
A musical fanfare announced the arrival of the final two participants. As a creative rendition of the Wedding March began, Amanda led her daughter down the aisle. Doohickey felt a little odd as it was the first time in nearly a decade and a half that so many people had seen her wearing a dress, but as she gazed up towards her future husband she was reminded that compromise isn’t always such a bad thing. However, the knowledge of what she was going through and how many people she was doing it in front of was still extremely humbling. Despite the dark complexion of her fur, it was clear to quite a few that she was blushing profusely, but she didn’t mind. She would gladly go through worse for the chipmunk that was awaiting her at the altar. If it hadn’t been for him she’d never have discovered she had a sister, been reunited with her daughter or be able to share this day with her mother. Once at the altar mother and daughter parted ways as Dee ascended the steps to stand beside her love while Amanda took the long route to stand to the Bride’s right.
With everyone in place, Judge Brown addressed the assembly, “I would like to thank all of you who came for this solemn occasion. We are gathered here for the purposes of marriage, an institution through which two individuals come together in union. They dedicate themselves to one another, to share the joys and the trials that life will bring their way. But before we proceed to bring this chipmunk and mouse together in matrimony, is there any among those that are gathered here today who has reason why these two should reconsider the commitment they are preparing to make?”
That was just the opening Colette was waiting for. It came a little earlier than she expected, but she did realize that the variety of weddings she had attended was somewhat limited. Though this particular ceremony was new to her, what she was about to do was not... she was certain this would join the number of marriages she’d destroyed before they even had a chance.
“If there is, let him or her speak now,” the Judge continued, before ad libbing, “and be not afraid that the bride is apparently armed.”
Still wearing the red turtleneck she had acquired during the bachelor party, Colette rose from her seat. It was not long before the squirrel had the attention of everyone present. Nearly all who were seated remained so while Chet Maplewood, on the other hand, jumped to his feet upon realizing who it was that dared raise an objection. His wife, Mary, felt all the blood leave her face and silently prayed she could remain standing. As Chip groaned in frustration at Colette’s latest stunt, his bride smirked as she thought, Oh, this aughta’ be rich.
Colette scowled, raising a finger accusingly at Chip. With all the venom she could muster she opened her mouth and declared, “BUUUURRRR-” As the belch continued, Colette’s scowl was replaced by a look of dumbfounded shock. She knew the sound wasn’t originating from her throat, but it certainly seemed to be coming from her... as the stunned expressions from the rest of the wedding guests and participants made clear. Looks of astonishment slowly began to be replaced by looks of amusement and soon laughter began to ripple through the chapel. The impolite sound promptly ceased as soon as Colette covered her mouth, which only further incriminated her. She sank back down into her seat as her face began to match her sweater.
It wasn’t long after she had returned to her seat that Colette heard a familiar voice next to her. “You don’t say, lass,” the individual drawled in his distinctive Irish accent, “you don’t say.”
“You miserable, sneaky-” the furious squirrel snarled as she proceeded to throttle Darby, realizing the leprechaun had sabotaged her sabotage. However, without being able to pinpoint quite when or how the switch occurred, she found herself strangling an inanimate troll doll. That’s when she noticed the people sitting in front of her had turned back around to see what she was up to this time. As redness returned to her face, Colette unhanded the doll and attempted to cover her face as demurely as possible.
Chip and Dee tried desperately to maintain their composure as Judge Brown resumed the ceremony. To his credit, he avoided making mention of the ‘incident’ in hopes of returning some measure of solemnity to the occasion, “As there are no objections...” Turning to Chip, he continued, “Do you, Chip Maplewood, take this mouse to be your wedded wife, to have and to hold, through sickness and health, through safety or peril, till death do you part?”
The chipmunk gazed upon his beloved... which was a mistake. As they exchanged that gaze they both realized they were thinking the same thing. The pair looked like a couple of grade school troublemakers attempting to hide the fact they were the ones who had placed the pin on the teacher’s chair as they tried in vain to conceal their snickering. The harder they tried the worse they got. As their effort to hide their snorting and snickering brought tears to their eyes, the juvenile giggle fit spread to the bridesmaids and groomsmen. Soon the ridiculous contagion spread to others in the chapel.
“Alright, Chip,” Romulus chimed in playfully, “Just belch your vow and get it over with.” A peel of laughter tore through the chapel as the rest of the guests finally realized what had been running through the Bride and Groom’s minds.
Taking a few deep breaths, Chip cleared his mind. He knew he couldn’t afford to think, because he knew as soon as he thought about what he was about to say he’d start laughing again. Through bleary eyes he looked at his bride as he declared, “I do.”
Judge Brown sighed in relief before turning to Dee, “Do you, Doohickey Hawkfeather, take this chipmunk to be your wedded husband, to have and to hold, through sickness and health, through safety or peril, till death do you part?”
Dee fought to hold back memories of what had just occurred. She took a breath, opened her mouth and... Raven blurted out a snort of laughter. In a chain reaction, everyone else at the altar lost their composure, save Judge Brown who merely rolled his eyes. Once the recent bout of silliness passed, Dee cleared her mind and declared, “I do.”
“The rings,” the Judge intoned. Dale produced the ring he’d been carrying and handed it to Chip. “Repeat after me: With this ring I thee wed.”
Chip took Dee’s paw in his and as he slid the ring on her finger repeated, “With this ring I thee wed.”
Dee handed her bouquet to her mother before receiving a ring from Gadget. Taking Chip’s paw in hers, she slid the ring on his finger and recited, “With this ring I thee wed.”
The bride retrieved the bouquet from her mother before Amanda and Mary each lit a candle. These candles, which would otherwise have adorned a human child’s birthday cake, were then handed to their children, Dee once more passing the bouquet to her mother. Judge Brown stood aside as Bride and Groom stepped forward to the tapered candle before them. Chip stopped short and looked to his bride. Dee noticed his hesitation and looked his way. In his left paw he held the lit candle while his right was held out to her. Holding her candle in her right, Dee took Chip’s paw with her left. Paw in paw they stepped forward. Lifting their flames in unison, they set alight the large candle before them. Then each in turn blew out the other’s small candle, leaving only the single flame of their love.
Amanda and Mary stepped up to take the spent candles. At his point the young couple was supposed to step back, allowing Judge Brown to return to his position in the center. Instead, Chip and Dee brought their other paws together and lovingly gazed into each other’s eyes. Not wanting to try to separate them, the jurist simply continued from where he stood, “I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss one another.” Chip and Dee stepped up and shared their first kiss as a married couple, to the applause and cheers of everyone in attendance. Well, almost everyone... Colette slunk out the back while the others celebrated.
***
Dale stood before the guests at the reception. “With me giving the Best Man toast, logically it should be humorous and entertaining,” he began in a serious tone, “Yet the wedding itself had the girl in Chip’s past try to disrupt things, only to give the mother of all belches. Then the armed-to-the-teeth-grieving-mother Bride and her stick-in-the-mud-just-the-facts-ma’am Groom have a mutual giggle fit when it’s time for the vows... Now really, how am I supposed to follow that?”
Tammy couldn’t help but chime in, “With a trash bin on wheels and a push broom?”
“Nice try, kid, but I work alone,” Dale countered. “But this isn’t about me,” he continued, “it’s about the obsessive compulsive, detective novel loving rodent who can’t seem to stop hitting me... and the guy she married. They are a good match aren’t they? Their idea of a date is going on a case together. When they first met they rescued a kidnap victim... who, by the way, donated the beverages for this get together- thank you Mr Tanner!” There was a polite round of applause for the beverage distributor. “A year later they get back together and before we know it they’re investigating a museum robbery and a kidnaping. Afterwards we come here for a little R&R and what do these two do? Investigate that belching thing at the Powwow and uncover a plot by Dee’s aunt to poison the city! Frankly I’m amazed we made it through the wedding without their having to investigate an alien abduction!” After the laughter had died down, Dale added knowingly, “And don’t think it couldn’t happen.” Dale took a swig of water before continuing, “But when it’s all said and done, I wish the happy couple well... after all, with the temper these two have, if they had a falling out the survivors would envy the dead!”
It wasn’t long after the wedding feast began that Dale and Monty began recounting the more bizarre aspects of the bachelor party for anyone that was interested. “I don’t believe it!” Cheddarhead Charlie declared.
“But it’s all true!” Dale responded, “You can even ask Raven.”
“Nah, that’s not what I mean, lad,” Cheddarhead began to explain, “What I can’t believe is I missed out on the fun!”
“Well if the girls had grabbed the guy they were supposed to you wouldn’t have,” Dee joined in.
“Who were they after?” Dale inquired.
“Why, they was after Monty!” Chedderhead answered with a laugh, giving his son a hearty slap on the back, “That gal o’ his nearly blew a gasket when I popped outta’ that cake!”
“My gal?” Monty sputtered.
“I think he means Charity, Monty,” Dale clarified.
“I know what he meant, lad,” Monty reassured the chipmunk.
As Monty’s father took over the story telling, the happy couple was approached by some of Chip’s latest in-laws. “Say hae’ to Uncle Chip,” Bob’s wife cooed to her newborn, waving it’s little paw at the newest family member.
“Hello there, little... um,” Chip tried to return.
“Kaitlyn,” the mother informed him.
“Hello there, little Kaitlyn,” Chip offered, “Sorry I didn’t get to meet you earlier, but I was really busy.”
“Yeah, this’ll be the only real time we could meet up,” the mother agreed, “First there was the preparation for the wedding, then you and Dee will be off for your honeymoon.” While the infant was distracted by ‘Uncle’ Dale, who was making faces for her, her mother asked out of her own curiosity, “So, where are the two of you headed, anyhow?”
“We’re going for a tour of European castles,” Chip answered, “starting with the Chateau St Loup.”
“It’s supposedly haunted by the ghost of the Black Prince,” Dee added.
Dale’s ears perked up, “A haunted castle?”
“You’re not coming Dale,” Chip laughed.
“Not even to Hunedoara Castle,” Dee pointed out.
“Hoona-whatsa?” Dale inquired.
“Also known as Castle Dracula,” Chip tauntingly clarified.
As Dale pouted, Kaitlyn’s mother noted, “Not going for the romance aspect, I see.”
Amanda soon showed up to visit some more with her newest granddaughter. She talked a great deal with her daughter and in-laws, much of it focusing on when Chip and Dee would be having kids of their own. They were only interrupted when Gadget showed up, with Monty and Dale in tow.
“Chip, Dee,” Gadget addressed her siblings, “Dale and Monty keep insisting I sound like Linda from Futurama. I don’t think I do, but it’s impossible for me to know for sure due to the resonant conductivity of the skull and-”
“You want us to verify who’s right,” Chip reasoned.
“It’s obvious, we’ll show you,” Dale declared, “Monty, you be Morbo...”
Monty cleared his throat and gave his best imitation of the cartoon’s news monster, “Kittens give Morbo gas.”
Dale then quickly tickled Gadget to elicit a giggle. She giggled... then slugged Dale. No sooner had Gadget done so than she proclaimed, “Golly, Dale I’m sorry!”
“No you’re not,” her mother stated calmly.
“You’re right, I shouldn’t be,” Gadget replied as she thought about it, “Dale, you know you shouldn’t do something like that!”
Dale righted himself, seemingly no worse for wear, “Well how else was I going to get you to giggle?”
“You could’ve asked,” Chip pointed out.
“Aw, where’s the fun in that?” Dale asked, “So, does she sound like Linda?”
Dee shrugged, “Well, if she lowered her voice a bit maybe.”
After most of the guests had eaten their fill, preparations were made for dancing. When all was ready, Chip took his wife by the paw... he was still fascinated by the thought of ‘his wife’... and led her out onto the floor for the first dance. While one of the women from his past had made it a point to be trouble, another had chosen to be far more generous. The female chipmunk, dressed in a blue sequined gown, stood before the band.
“For the couple’s first dance I’ve chosen a song in honor of the handsomest pianist I’ve ever had the pleasure to work with,” Clarice announced, “and the lucky lady he’s given his heart to.” She gave a nod to the band when she was ready. The young couple began to move as the band began to play Brenda Russell’s “Piano in the Dark”. When it was time, Clarice joined in...
“When I find myself watching the time,
I never think about all the funny things you said,
I feel like it’s dead.
Where is it leading me now.
I turn around in the still of the room,
Knowing this is when I’m gonna make my move.
Can’t wait any longer
And I’m feeling stronger, but oh
Just as I walk through the door
I can feel your emotion.
It’s pullin’ me back,
Back to love you.
I know I’m caught up in the middle,
I cry just a little
When I think of letting go.
Oh no, gave up on the riddle.
I cry just a little
When he plays piano in the dark.”
As Clarice continued to sing, Dee laid her head on Chip’s shoulder. “Do you think they’ll have a chipmunk sized piano at the chateau?” she asked quietly.
“If they don’t I’m sure you’ll build one before we leave,” Chip replied with a smile.
Once the couple had their first dance, other couples wasted little time taking to the floor. And those who were still unattached wasted little time in asking a dance from those they fancied. Such was the case of a red squirrel who offered his paw to a certain blond mouse.
“May I have this dance?” William Worthington, Dee’s assistant, inquired.
Gadget blushed a little as she answered, “Well, sure.”
When the time finally came when the newlyweds were to make their exit the young single ladies clustered near the Ranger Wing as Dee prepared to toss the bouquet. “Now, I considered building a device to hurl the bouquet for me,” she explained to the crowd, “But there was the chance something might go horribly wrong and, well, I didn’t want to start things off in my wedded life by mauling someone... unnecessarily. So I’ll do it the old fashioned way.” Turning her back to the crowd, Dee... felt ridiculous. But it was a tradition, so she let it fly.
“What was that?!” several ladies cried out in confusion. They were watching the bouquet intently when a pinkish blur swooped by... and the bouquet was gone! It wasn’t until a smug pink bat landed nearby, clutching the prized arrangement in her teeth, that they realized what had happened.
“Oh, come on, that’s cheating!” Tammy complained.
“All’s fair in love and war,” Foxglove countered once she had successfully taken the bouquet with one of her wings, adding as she snuggled up to Dale, “Isn’t that right, cute stuff?”
“Uh, sure,” Dale whimpered nervously, “I guess.”
Dee took a seat beside Chip and started up the engines. Waving to friends and family, the newlyweds took to the air, anxious to start their new life together as husband and wife.
The End
