Do you mind hearing a critique on this first chapter? I will keep it to myself if you aren't open to criticism, and if you do want to hear it I promise I will do my best to put it into constructive words.
Do you mind hearing a critique on this first chapter? I will keep it to myself if you aren't open to
I like the story, I really do, Sure it's a tad cliche but it wouldn't be popular if it didn't work. I personally love harem-style stories so this is right up my alley. Sometimes however the dialogue seems a tad forced, or stiff. Here's an example for you: on page 3, the bubbles start from the very bottom and go up in a diagonal line. First off that confused me a bit and I ended up reading the bubbles backwards, but when I did read them right (I hope) it went like "Welcome and thank you for coming Twilight" "Thank you Princess Celestia but please lets stop the small talk" " *sigh* of course I called you cause of this"
These three small lines of dialogue seem....strange I suppose is the best way to put it? They come across as stiff and slightly out of character. What small talk is there? All she did is greet her after all, and on top of that Princess Celestia doesn't seem the kind to using things like 'cause'. Here's how I personally would have written it:
"Welcome; and thank you for coming Twilight" "Of course Princess! What did you need? You said it was urgent!" "Yes, it is....I called you here today because of this."
I'm no writer so that's not exactly perfect but there you have it.
My other criticism is the anatomy. Picking on page 3 again we see a classic swivel waist/boobs and butts pose. This kind of stuff, for me anyway, really takes me out of the comics. It almost looks like her legs are on backwards because of how Celestia is standing, and it's really off-putting. The same kind of broken anatomy is seen on the main cover in the harem picture (though I must admit I didn't notice it at first because of the dynamics and flow of the image; very good by the way!) with rainbow dash's arms bent backwards at an angle that seems a tad painful, and Applejack's back arched juuust a tad too much. Through a lot of the pages you also seem to run into the permanently erect nipples, and boob sock clothing issues, most noticeably on pages 1, 17, 18, 19, 20 (though the erect nipples in this one can be waved off since at this point all the girls are getting aroused) and 24. Breasts don't just stick to the body and vacuum-form to them! And in this same comic you've shown examples of drawing the shirts perfectly fine without the boob socks so I'm not sure why some pages have it and some don't. My final criticism is that the heads seem a tad big for the bodies? It goes with the cartoony style sure, and you're using the same style as the show, but in some places it just comes off looking a tad strange, like they're wearing cosplay masks more than it being their actual heads if that makes sense.
I'd be more than happy to red-line some of the pages if you'd like examples, in terms of anatomy or the big-head problem!
I hope I'm not coming across as mean in these, I'm trying really hard not to, so if I hurt your feelings or sound in any way judgemental or harsh I do apologize and I'd be happy to reword things more constructively if you'd like me to.
I like the story, I really do, Sure it's a tad cliche but it wouldn't be popular if it didn't work.
I'm not sure if that's supposed to be an insult....? I asked before giving my criticism, and quite frankly it's not like I read the comic all in one day, so I don't exactly see what you're trying to say.
If it is meant to be an insult, please just keep it to yourself. I don't want to fight on someone else's artwork, nor do I wish to in a public space. If it isn't meant to be an insult, please explain.
I'm not sure if that's supposed to be an insult....? I asked before giving my criticism, and quite f
