Chapter Four:
Confessions
A cool breeze from the open window danced around the room. The sad song of a mourning dove filled the room. A disheveled queen size bed sat in the center of the room, placed there a week ago, and not moved since. Stormy was waiting until she had cleaned her room, and the floor had been polished, before she put everything where it belonged. There were boxes of clothing stacked against the wall, the tops had been pulled open, the clothes within them rooted through.
Stormy was tired when she went to bed the night before, but made sure to gather any clothes she was going to need for church the night before. It would grant her more time to sleep in the morning, even if it was only by a few minutes. If she followed her new morning routine, then she would be able to make it to church with time to spare.
The soft buzzing of the alarm pulled her from her dreamless sleep. Stormy's green eyes fluttered open, looking at the red numbers on her digital clock. It was seven o'clock- time for her to get up, and get ready for church. Stormy reached across her bed and turned the alarm off, taking a moment to lay there and enjoy the clean sheets that were wrapped around her.
Stormy threw back the covers, her naked body greeted by the invigorating feel of the cool breeze. In the past, before she'd had Amethyst and Aloe, she use to always sleep naked, but once she got married and had kids, she thought that it was a less civilized thing to do. Stormy got up from her bed, stepping down onto the dirty floor. The dirt particles ground into dust under her hooves.
Stormy pulled a cigarette from the pack that lay on the dresser, and put it between her lips. She lit it with a match, before heading into the bathroom. As she sat down on the cold toilet seat, her mind was flooded with things that she was going to do with her day. Since she wasn't going to be meeting her kids for brunch, that freed up a bunch of time in the early afternoon. Maybe the time had come for her to finally clean up her room and polish the floor. The directions were on the side of the polish container. How hard could it be?
When she finished peeing, she wiped and flushed. Reaching through the clear plastic shower curtains to start the water running. The hot water heater was old and didn't work that well, so it took a long time for the water to get hot. Stormy spit her cigarette down between her legs into the toilet, then got up. She planted her feet in front of the sink. She started the water running, and grabbed her toothbrush, so she could brush her teeth while she waited for the water to get hot. There's nothing quite like mint toothpaste first thing in the morning to set you up with success. She thought, before spitting and rinsed. She turned the water off and walked back to the tub.
The water was lukewarm at best, but she couldn't wait any longer. She climbed over the side of the tub into the shower and started rinsing herself off. Normally she would focus on taking a more leisurely shower, but service was at eight thirty. It was her first time back to church since she got married and she didn't want to be late.
Everything seemed to be moving in a haze to her tired mind. Without faltering in the motion, she started lathering up her hands and set to work cleaning her body. She parted her lips and started singing. After so many years of doing it every morning, it was like second nature to her now. The slight rasp in her voice added a sultry level to her singing. Her voice echoing in the small bathroom.
“...so remember when we were driving, driving in your car, at speeds so fast felt like I was drunk...” Her voice was soft and distracted, while she lathered up the fur on her back, down over her backside, and braided tail.
Stormy continued to sing as she washed her hair. It was a little tangled this morning from all the sweating, tossing, and turning she did throughout the night. Once she rinsed her hair and body, she turned the water off and climbed out. The sound of her hooves clicking on the tile, sounding not unlike high heel shoes. Instead of drying off with a towel, she used her blow dryer. It was going to make her fur stand up, but if she brushed it as she went, it should be fine. There was still plenty of time to get ready to go to church.
The rest of the morning went as planned. She wore her new dress. Put on some eyeshadow and eyeliner. Not too much. She didn't want to look like a whore in the church. The dress clung to her body in all the wrong ways. No matter how she shifted it around, she thought it made her look fat. Stormy was starting to wish she'd picked a different dress at the store. One that fit her features better. It was too late to do anything about it now, though.
Stormy remembered to grab her wallet and purse on the way out the door. She stepped over the newly made hole in her porch. When she saw it, Steven popped into her head and lingered there for the entire drive to the church. Such an interesting young man. Interesting and hot, she thought crassly. As soon as the thought of Steven being hot entered her mind, she regretted it. There was a long tingle moving through her. It had been joined by a pang of guilt.
“You're going to church. Stop being such a whore,” she practically yelled at herself, forcing images of mowing the lawn, and gardening into her head.
Stormy managed to stifle the dirty thoughts by the time she pulled into the church parking lot. There were tons of finely dressed people walking through the parking lot around her. She made sure she took her time parking. The church itself was beautiful on the outside. Small and personal, like the one she use to attend when she was younger. It looked like it had been a two story house at one time. It had been masterfully renovated to be a church. The four stained glass windows on the side of the building she was approaching from depicted God above all. Below him were Mary, Joseph, with baby Jesus laying between them.
When she'd first looked it up in the phone book, she'd thought that it was a Catholic church. Turns out, it was a non-denominational church. In a way it had made her feel better about having not attended church in almost twenty-one years. Stormy had been born and raised a strict Catholic until the day she ran away from home at sixteen. Even after she left, she couldn't shake the lure of church. It was her safe haven when she was homeless. It hadn't been until she and Dutch got married that she stopped going all together. It was past time to make things right between herself and God.
Stormy stepped through the door into the foyer. It was a warm and welcoming environment. A soft hint of cinnamon incense was burning from somewhere. It was as homy on the inside as it had been on the outside. A large cross hung at the front of the room between two large stained glass window, depicting the shepherd and the lamb. There was an alter underneath the cross, with a red silk banner hanging from it. The center of the room was dominated by over twenty pews lining either side of the center aisle.
Obviously whoever ran the church wanted to cater to the religion of all who entered. There were confessional booths against the wall to her right. Stormy was relieved to see that they were there. She wanted to visit them before she left. To the left were rows of tables along the wall. Each table was lined with prayer candles. A few people were gathered around them, already lighting some of them and saying private prayers.
Stormy made her way down the center aisle and took a seat in a pew closer to the front. A bible was tucked into the holder on the back of the pew in front of her, as well as a laminated program for what to expect during mass. Stormy skimmed through it. She was glad to see that they would be singing hymns at three different intervals throughout mass. “If you want God to hear you, sing your prayers, loud and proud.” Her father had told her once. Since then, it had always been her favorite part of church.
There was a nudge at her side, pulling her away from the program. To her surprise, Steven was seated next to her. That handsome boyish face of his was still holding the smile that she was growing accustomed to. Next to him sat a pair of stately looking zebra. The male was large in stature, looking like he'd never missed a day of hard labor in his life. The other zebra was fine and fay looking female. She was slim and perfectly beautiful, almost like a classic painting or statue.
“Dad, Sylvia. I want you to meet Stormy, she's going to be my guitar teacher.” Steven whispered, not wanting to draw too much attention to Stormy's fame.
“Well, I'll be. You're Stormy! I use to love your music all the time back in the day. I mean...” The large zebra fumbled for a second and then smiled, the same dashing smile that his son had. “I mean, I don't get to listen to music much anymore. If I did, I'm sure I would still love your music.”
Stormy giggled was uncomfortable, the type of laugh usually reserved for when someone made a racial joke to somebody with a friend of that race. “It's okay, I know what you mean. I hardly have time for music myself. I've been really busy.”
The large man nodded, and leaned back in his seat, trying to bow out with whatever dignity he had left. His wife or girlfriend, Sylvia, didn't pay any attention to Stormy, just leafed through the bible as if she were reading. It was fine with Stormy. This wasn't the most opportune time to be making friend and having a conversation. Mass was about to start.
“Hey. I would like to hang out with you for a while after mass, but I want to go to confession.” Steven whispered into Stormy's ear.
“What's wrong with that?” Stormy wasn't sure why confession would interfere with them spending time together.
“There's always a giant line, it takes so long to get in there. I don't want to wait by myself, but I also don't want you to have to wait either.” Steven pressed his lips to her ear, his words tickling the soft fur.
His warm breath was thick with a minty whiff that caused Stormy to shutter slightly. “I'll wait with you. I have some things I want to confess too. I mean... nothing bad, though.” Shut up, her mind screamed at her as she floundered.
“Great. I can't wait.” Steven said, receiving a sharp shush from Sylvia.
Stormy stifled a giggled and turned her attention to the choir gathering at the front of the room. Mass was beautiful. The words that the priest spoke invigorated Stormy's soul. The songs rumbled through her like a tidal wave, cleaning out all the dead weight that she'd been carrying with her for so long.
Several times she could hear Steven stop singing next to her. When she stole a glance at him from the corner of her eye, he was just standing there, watching her. His mouth hanging open, his lips pulled back in a big grin. It was flattering that he was enjoying listening to her sing. Even his father had stopped singing to get a listen to Stormy's voice.
The sermon ended, and people started filing out. Stormy moved to the back of the line that had gathered near the confessional boxes. Steven had a short conversation with his dad and the woman named Sylvia, before taking his spot at the back of the line. Stormy looked back at him and smiled, letting the three people behind her cut in front, so she could stand with Steven.
They talked about many things while they waited. The first being the hardest question to swallow. Steven was twenty-one years old. Stormy made sure to move away from that part of the conversation as quickly as possible. The covered other topics, too, from favorite foods to music they enjoyed. It was nice to hear that Steven actually listened to more music than just hers. Although many of the bands he listened too, she hadn't of heard before. She wasn't ashamed to tell him either. It had almost killed her to remind him, that there was a nineteen year age difference between them.
Steven had shrugged it off saying. “You're only as old as you feel.” Which Stormy rebutted. “God I hope not, I must be ancient then.” They had shared a laugh. Stormy was glad Steven was there with her. It made the pain of waiting in line all the more bearable. It made the line feel like it was moving at a much brisker pace.
When it was her turn to go into the booth, Steven said. “If I get out first, I'll wait for you, okay?”
Stormy shook her head slowly and looked at him. “You don't have to wait for me. I'm going to be in there for a long time. I have twenty plus years to make up for.”
“I don't mind. It's not like I have anything better to do today.” Steven smiled coyly and leaned against the dark wood of the confession box.
Stormy didn't argue. Instead she nodded, and stepped into the small box, pulling the door closed behind her. It was cramped and dark inside the small booth, much smaller than she remembered. Of course, she was much larger now. She sat down on the small bench behind her, one of her knees hitting the closed door of the box. The wood shook violently. A small heat wave surged through her with the building blush. Why cant I stop embarrassing myself? She thought. At least Steven doesn't notice when you do it. A little voice whispered from deep inside of her.
Just the thought of Steven made her shudder. How could a boy that she hardly knew make her feel so self-conscious and confident at the same time? The shudder started to turn into a tingle again. This was the last place she wanted to feel those uncontrollable feelings. She had managed to stifle it earlier, but it was coming on now.
The wooden hatch slid open, pouring a dim light into the small booth. Stormy jumped from the sudden noise. Her knee hit the door once again, rattling it on it's hinges. Another embarrassed wave washed over her. At least it stifled the heated feeling that was growing inside of her. When she looked at the priest, all she could see was his silhouette. The mesh that separated her from the priest, did a remarkable job concealing his identity. Hopefully it worked both ways.
“What are your confessions, my child?” The priest's voice was old and gravelly.
It had not been the same priest that handled mass, which made Stormy feel better about what she had to confess. “Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It has been...twenty years since my last confession.”
The priest sighed and spoke. “Well my child, better late then never.” Stormy could tell that the priest was smiling by his voice change.
Stormy felt relieved. The laid back demeanor of this priest was going to make things so much easier on her. “Thank you father. I hope you have the time to hear my story. It's long, and difficult to tell.”
“Always my child, take your time.” His tone was welcoming.
Stormy told her story as if she were doing an autobiography. Starting with her days as a folk singer and went on through her marriage. The story went on for almost twenty minutes. She made sure she covered all of her sins as she went. The impure thoughts, the newly acquired sexual appetite. The feeling of drowning in her day to day life, the feeling of going under, all of it leading to her divorce. With ever confession she spoke, it was helping her to feel better. When it came time to talk about the new feelings she was having for Steven, she opted to leave it off the list of her most recent sins. It made her feel guilty, as if she were hiding something, even through nothing had taken place between them. Just some feelings that she couldn't control.
When she was done, the priest remained quiet for a long time. Stormy started to tremble deep inside. Why was he taking so long? She imagined that he'd fallen asleep, or died of boredom. That would be a terrible thing to have to explain to the cops, or a news reporter. Finally she heard him clear his throat.
“That was quite a story, my child. I know you're expecting me to tell you to do some Hail Marys and other things, but I'm not Catholic. What I can tell you is, the path to heaven isn't an easy one to travel. All of us get lost on our way from time to time, as all sheep of the Lord do. That's how we learn what flowers to eat, and what grass is safe to tread in.” There was a pause, she could hear him taking a drink from a water bottle. “We lost our shepherd long ago, but he remains in our hearts and our souls. Always ready to forgive us for the mistakes that we make, and is always willing to wipe the slate clean. As long as we do our best to follow his teachings, and listen to the voice inside of us. We will all find our shepherd again, and the greener pastures that we seek.”
Stormy was trembling harder now, the priest's words were wise. Tears welled up in her eyes. It had been a long time since she'd felt this clear. All she could utter was a fumbling 'thank you' before stepping out of the confession booth. It wasn't until then, that she realized how hot it at been in the wooden box.
The air in the church was cool on her face. She was covered in sweat. Stormy squinted against the assault of the dim light from the room. It felt like she'd been in there for hours. Not only were her legs shaking from the truths she had spoken, but they were also cramping from how long she'd been sitting in the small booth. Steven stood up from his seat and paced over to her. It was obvious that he was trying to play it cool, but his glistening brown eyes gave away his excitement at seeing her.
“You didn't have to wait for me, I told you I was going to be in there for a long time.” Stormy giggled. It was almost irritating at how easily he could make her do it.
“And I told you, that it wasn't a problem. But now I have one more confession to make, but it's to you, not the priest.” There was a sly undertone to his voice, that made her tense up.
Here it comes, the moment when he confesses to be madly in love with me, she thought. “Sure, what is it?” Might as well get it over with, her mind rambled on.
“My dad has my ride back to the dorm, so I'm kind of stranded here. I'm ashamed to ask, but could you give me a ride?” Steven shuffled his feet against the brown carpet on the floor.
Stormy felt like she'd just been hit in the gut. “Uh, yeah sure. Come on.”
“You look stunned. What did you think I was going to confess you?” Steven followed behind her, his tone was cloyingly playful.
“Nothing...” Stormy blurted out, before her brain could catch up with her mouth. “...I'm just surprised you would strand yourself at the church just for the sake of confessions.”
Steven stepped through the door, holding it open for her. “For confessions, yeah. We'll go with that.”
There was that playful tone once again. Stormy's inner voice was telling her to stay away, as if there was some inevitable force pulling her towards this young man. Maybe it meant danger, but maybe it was telling her that there may be some happiness to be experienced if she went with it. Above all else though, the intrigue was becoming too much for her to handle. The pair walked to the parking lot and got in her car.
