Chapter Eight:
A Kiss is a Terrible Thing to Waste
Splinter was waiting for them in the common room, when they came into the lair. A look of concern was pasted on his face. Shame and embarrassment washed through Raph, when he looked up at his Sensei. How could he have let his ninja training slip, allowing Li Jing the opportunity to deceive him. The thought of it, burned hotter than any rage he had ever felt. Is this what it's like to have a broken heart? Raph wondered. The mere thought of his name cause a wave of heat to wash over him. He was glad that Li Jing wasn't there. He didn't want to be held responsible for what he might do to the young traitor.
“Raphael, what happened? Explain yourself.” Splinter's tone was harsh, the tone of a father who had been worried about his child, but struggled with expressing himself.
Raph opened his mouth, but Leo stepped in front of him, resting his hand on Raph's shoulder. “Sensei, with all due respect. Raph has been through a lot and need a moment to process everything that's happened. I will explain everything.”
There was a long pause, but Splinter nodded. “Raphael, go to your room and meditate on this. Leonardo meet me in the dojo.”
Leo looked sympathetically at Raph and nodded. Raph knew that Leo was aware of what had happened. Leo had heard the words directly from his own lips. Raph tightened his grip around the book, pulling it tighter to his chest, watching as Leo followed Splinter to the dojo. Once they were gone from his sight, he limped off towards his room. Raph closed the door behind him and lurched for his bed. Barely made it too, before he started crying. Working hard to keep the sobs quiet, so his brother's didn't hear. The pressure from his hushed sobs made it feel like his head was going to explode.
When the last of his energy was spent, crying. He flopped out on his bed, the book resting on his chest. In a way it was nice to be home, but at the same time it didn't feel like home anymore. Everything was different, even the smells. All he wanted to do was go back to that apartment in the sky. Pretend that Li Jing wasn't a thief, a liar, or a traitor. Go back to when they talked and spent time together. Raph just wanted him back more than anything.
The door opened, causing him to push himself up onto his elbows. They hurt, but Raph just shook it off. Leo came in carrying a small tray of first aid supplies. The sounds of Donnie and Mikey following closely behind. Raph didn't hide his contempt for this intrusions. Leo nodded in understanding. Turning to whisper something out the door, before stepping in to the room, closing the door behind him. Raph winced and pushed himself to a sitting position. He buried his face in his hands, hiding his runny nose and bloodshot eyes away. He didn't want Leonardo to know that he'd been crying. Raph had cemented the idea in his brother's long ago, that he never cried.
“I want to be left alone.” Raph said, his voice cracking under the weight of his emotions.
Leo didn't say anything, he just sat down next to Raph on the bed. He pulled a chair closer to him so he could rest the tray on it. Raph repeated himself again, but didn't look up. And again Leo didn't say anything. Raph knew he trying to keep a calm air in the room, like he always did. He knew Leo was only trying to help, but he still didn't want to deal with him right now.
“Sensei told me to get you cleaned and bandaged, before you fell asleep.” Leo's voice was calm and collected, Raph hated him for it.
“I don't want it, alright. I just want to be left alone.” Raph snapped, the tears coming again.
Leo didn't say anything, his lips pulled tight against his teeth. Leo took his brother's injured hand and started dabbing alcohol along the knuckles. Cleaning the blood away. Disinfected the cuts on his brother's knuckles. Raph started crying harder. It wasn't because the sting of the alcohol, but because he just realized that he didn't want to be alone, despite what he said. Leo knew he needed someone right now, but Raph was too proud to ask for it. Leo was just doing what a big brother does at times like this.
They stayed quiet for a long time. Leo systematically cleaned each and ever wound all over his Raph's body, bandaging them as he went. Raph closed his eyes and listened to the sound of his brother's breathing, keeping him calm. Periodically an image of Li Jing would pop into his head and another bout of tears would come on. Leo was kind enough not to say anything about it. He would just dab Raph's eyes and continue working. When there were no more tears left and he was fully bandaged up, he took a swig of water. It felt good coursing down his scratchy throat.
“Thank you for what you did earlier. Keeping me from saying something really stupid in front of Donnie and Mikey.” The words left his lips, quiet and heavy.
Leo looked at Raph from the corner of his eyes, gratitude was in short supply when it came to Raph. “Don't mention it. I know you were hurting and I just wanted to help.”
“You did help.” Raph looked down at his banged up hands.
“Li Jing huh? Did you want to talk about it?” Leo tossed all the bloody swabs into a plastic bag.
“Not really.” Raph said, his voice trembling once again.
“He was special to you huh?” Leo pushed the issue, his voice staying calm.
“Yeah. I thought I was in love with him.” Raph blurted out, the words sounding foreign to even him.
“You were in love with him, Raph. I can tell.” Leo reached up and rested his hand against the back of Raph's neck.
Raph winced at the feeling of his brother's warm hand. “How the hell do you know?”
“Because it wouldn't have hurt so badly when he revealed his true nature to you.” Leo breathed out slowly, the words sinking in into Raph's brain.
“I just...can't believe he was able to dupe me so easily.” Raph gritted his teeth, the rage returning to his voice. Leo stayed quiet, just petting the back of his brother's head. “I put myself out there Leo. He had me so...fucking vulnerable and I let him do it. He's probably laughing at me right now.”
“Or...” Leo leaned close. “He's just doing what his father told him to do.”
“What do you mean?” Raph looked disgusted.
“I saw the look in his eyes, when the truck pulled away. He was hurting too. I don't know for sure, but I could see it in his eyes.” Leo took Raph's hand and held it comfortingly, Raph didn't care if Leo could feel him trembling.
“You think...no, that bullshit.” Raph spit back, trying to pull his hand away, but Leo held tightly.
“I think he spend a lot of time going along with what his dad tell him. Now he doesn't know what else to do.” Leo couldn't know for sure, but maybe he was trying to make him feel better, Raph thought.
“It doesn't matter now anyway, he's gone.” Raph took a deep breath, his ribs ached.
“Well, just focus on the good things you two shared. Maybe he'll return one day and you'll have your chance to find out what was really going on.” Leo ran his fingers slowly along Raph's palm.
“Or I could just kill him.” Raph grumbled.
“No, don't do that. I think that might make you feel worse.” Leo chuckled, giving his brother a nudge.
Raph thought about everything that happened between he and Li Jing. The things that Leo was talking about, were starting to sound more and more accurate. Maybe he was just followed his father's orders. After all he did save him from being beat to death in the garage. Then there had been other moments. The more intimate moments.
“You're thinking about him right now huh?” Leo leaned back on his hands, looking in Raph's direction.
“I think you're right about him, Leo. He offered me a chance to...well...be with him. And like an idiot I didn't do it. But the thought that he wanted to, makes me feel better.” A lazy smile made it's way to his lips.
“That's ah...uh great Raph.” Leo cleared his throat, a pink tint moved along his cheeks.
“I think one of the things that bums me out the most about it, is I didn't get my first kiss. I was so sure this was going to be it, but I wussed out.” Raph threw himself back on the bed, ignoring the aches and pains. “I bet you can't wait to tell the guys about all of this crap.”
“Nah, I understand. A kiss is a terrible thing to waste.” Leo looked down at his brother, who was rubbing his eyes with the backs of his hands.
“If I had it to do over again, I swear I would.” Raph sighed out heavily.
Leo smirked affectionately, before leaning over his brother. There lips touched in a clumsy peck. Raph was startled at first, but the feeling of warm lips upon his caused him to relax into the kiss. Parting his lips slightly. Leo followed his brother lead. Parting his lips, but not letting it go further than that. The kiss was soft, warm, and passionate. Even Raph had to admit that it was a good first kiss. Leo was the first to pull away, his cheeks baring a deeper crimson undertone that mirrored Raph's.
“There, we're even now. I won't tell anyone about your thing. If you don't tell anyone that we made out.” Leo whispered, getting up from the bed.
Raph sat up and looked at his older brother. He didn't say anything. He just touched his lips, feeling the wet remnants of Leo's lips. Leo bent down to pick up the tray of first aid supplies and pushed the chair back into it's place. Raph kept watching his brother in a mix of befuddlement and enticement.
Leo reached for the door knob, before turning to look at Raph. “If you're wondering, that was my first kiss too.”
With that, Leo left the room closing the door behind him. Raph still sat their touching his lips in astonishment. Leo always worked hard to go above and beyond, this time was no different. Even though they were brothers and had shared such a tender moment. Raph didn't look at it as strange, he saw it as a beautiful gesture of respect and admiration. Leo had managed to give one thing to Raph, that he needed the most. A break from thinking about Li Jing. A moment to reset his mind. Raph sighed deeply and lay back on his bed, his hand resting against the cool leather of book next to him. Li Jing's voice echoed through his head.
“You know, in a way the book represents you.” Li Jing said softly, taking a sip from his juniper tea.
“How so?” Raph leaned back on his hands.
“Well, if you look at the cover. It's worn, old, doesn't look that appealing from the outside.” Li Jing didn't worry about picking his words carefully. “But on the inside, is a beautiful, rich story that's just dying to be read and enjoyed.”
Raph took a deep breath and closed his eyes. “Someday Li, I'll see you again.”
