Michelangelo was awoken from a deep sleep by Leonardo’s thrashing. Another nightmare. He had them often, brought on by the stress of leadership. The fate of their small clan rested in his hands. Though he never told Mikey what the nightmares were about the youngest had a good idea.
The few words that Leo mumbled in his sleep and the way his body tensed and twitched were enough to let Mikey know. His nightmares were filled with his perceived failures. Of the time when they almost died when the Shredder’s ship exploded, of the multiple near misses throughout their short lives and who knows what else. Their lives have almost ended more times than Mikey would like to count.
“No,” Leo called out in his sleep in a breathy plea. He rolled over to his side and Mikey could see the scars on Leo’s carapace. Bitter reminders of the time Karai ran him through. How could he now trust her? Maybe he didn’t, not really, but saw that there was no other choice. They needed an ally.
The nightmares had increased in frequency after Don was captured by Bishop and have only gotten worse since. Leo tried not to let show but he took what happened to Don and Raph personally. He saw it as a failure on his part. He feared that one day his failure would cause one of them to die.
Leo’s body twitched and his muscles tensed. Whatever he was dreaming about, it was intense.
“You’re not a failure, Leo,” Mikey whispered to him. “You’re like Captain Kirk, the only one who was able to win against impossible odds. Only you didn’t have to cheat to do it.”
Leo chuckled and rolled back over to look up at Mikey, “Thanks, Mikey. But I think the Utroms teleporting us from the exploding ship counts as a cheat.”
“You didn’t fail us in that moment, Leo.” Mikey pressed his head against Leo’s. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”
“You didn’t,” Leo smiled. “The dream woke me up.”
“Do you wanna talk about it?” Mikey ventured to ask.
Leo’s answer was a flat, “No,” putting an end to it.
“Oaky,” Mikey snuggled against Leo. “I want you to know that… I think…,” he didn’t know how to put it. “You’re a great leader Leo.” He wanted to say more but he didn’t know how to express it.
“Don’t worry about my nightmares, Mikey,” Leo said. “Having you here with me helps, a lot.”
“I’m glad I can help.”
**
Raph woke up in a cold sweat. His muscles trembled with the effort of moving them. Pain coursed through every part of him. It was too much.
Rolling to his side he managed to work his way out of his hammock. The simple effort of it strained and exhausted the already pained and tired muscles.
He had gone to bed without taking his pain medication. It had been his third attempt to stop taking the pills but every time he did his body hurt. So, even though he had told his family that he was no longer taking them, he continued relying on the pills to manage his pain.
Splinter had said that Raph had to be off the pills before he was going to be allowed to go out because he feared that they would addle his mind. But they no longer made him tired, he would have to take several to achieve that effect, they kept the pain away so that he could function. They actually helped to keep his mind clear.
His hands shook as he reached for the pill bottle and he struggled to open it. What good would he be to his family like this? Dumping three into his hand, Raph then looked to see how many he had left. How was the bottle so low already? He swore he got it only a few nights ago. It was a month’s supply.
Fortunately for him the Purple Dragons dealt in trafficking prescription medications so he didn’t have to take it from the hospital. But that would have to wait for nightfall. Until then, Raph would have to get by with what he had. To make his supply last longer, Raph dropped one of the pills back into the bottle. Two would have to do for now. He could manage with a little bit of pain.
The dosage was supposed to be just one every six hours but that no longer worked. He needed at least three. He figured it was because he grabbed the wrong dosage in his haste last time. He made a mental note to make sure to get a stronger dosage and a larger bottle when he raided the Dragon’s hideout.
Dry swallowing the two in his hand, Raph leaned against the wall to wait for them to take effect. It didn’t take long for Raph to start feeling better. With a sigh of relief, he stood up and stretched. He looked at the pill bottle in his hand. Just a little longer, he thought to himself. Just a little longer then he would stop taking the pills. He just needed the pain to end first.
He wouldn’t be able to go out if he was in pain.
Exiting his room, Raph was met with the scent of breakfast. He didn’t have to see who was cooking to know who it was. They each had their own go to dishes when it was their turn to cook. Mikey stuck with simple scrambled eggs and toast. Donny, with his sweet tooth, liked to make waffles or pancakes. Raph liked to make oatmeal or cream of wheat and spruce it up with dried fruit and nuts. But the aroma that came from the kitchen was that of stuffed French toast, which told Raph that Leo was making breakfast.
Leo liked the more intricate meals that consisted of a few more steps than the others. Dinners were no different. Mikey kept it simple. Donny made sweet meals. Raph grilled. And Leo spent nearly an hour doing the prep work alone.
Raph’s stomach let him know that he was hungry so he made his way to the dining cart. He knew better than to go into the kitchen when Leo was working.
The rest of the family was already in their seats, waiting for Leo to finish. As he said his good mornings to everyone, Raph took his seat.
“How are you feeling this morning?” Donny asked. “Any pain?”
“I’m good,” Raph lied, or gave his half-truth. “There’s a little bit of tightness but it’s nothing I can’t handle.”
“I think the extra wrappings on your joints are cool looking,” Mikey said, out of the blue. “I might start doing it just for the look. Also when we do fight, our enemies will think that we do it to look cool and not that you need the extra support.”
“It might be wise for all of you to take the extra precaution to protect your joints,” Splinter added. “The amount of vigorous activity you four put yourselves through it’s a wonder that none have you have suffered joint damage already.”
Donny nodded, “You have a point. I’ll look into getting us all adequate support.”
“Support for what?” Leo asked as he entered the dining cart carrying a plate piled high with stuffed French toast.
“We’re all gonna start wearing extra support on our joints,” Mikey answered, nabbing a piece as soon as Leo placed the plate on the table.
“That is a good idea,” Leo agreed. He served himself then passed the plate to Raph. “Maybe we can put some over Mikey’s mouth to actually keep him quiet when we are out on a mission.” Leo smiled and looked at Mikey, who let out a sarcastic laugh but said nothing in response.
After breakfast they were given an hour to digest before training began. Raph took that opportunity to spend some time with Snow while Donny went back to whatever project he was working on.
Snow’s tail was long enough that it was able to wrap around Raph’s arm and hold tight. “You’re a strong girl,” Raph smiled down at her. He was sitting on the floor in his extra room with Snow in his lap. She was able to sit up on her own but he liked to hold her.
There was an old clothing rack with formal dresses hung on it that was against the opposite wall. He looked up at the dressed and thought back to the time when he wanted to see Joi in those dresses. He laughed at himself as the thought about his little crush on her.
She didn’t seem to be the formal dress wearing type.
“I was such a fool,” he said to Snow. “We got along great but… we wouldn’t have worked. I liked her. But it was the same as it is with Donny. There was just something missing. Her body was all wrong and just like Donny her scent wasn’t right.”
He leaned his head back against the wall and looked up at the ceiling. “I’m just going to have to accept it.” He looked back down at Snow. “You are going to have it worse. Or maybe you won’t. I guess that all depends on when the aliens get here. Again.”
He sighed and leaned in close. “I’ve seen the future, but a long time from now. It took time to get to that point. So maybe in your life time you will be able to walk among the humans without any fear. The way Cody made it sound, you should.”
Her legs kicked against him and she cooed. Raph couldn’t help but smile. It was hard not to and for a moment he felt at peace.
They spent the hour together and it went by quickly. Leatherhead knocked on the door to let Raph know that it was time for training. Raph left Snow with him and then headed over to the dojo.
The others were already there. He joined them on the floor, kneeling before Splinter and waited to begin.
Raph had continued to improve. Donny had said that it had to do with the fact that they were mutants. The scars stayed, along with some of the deformities but damaged tendons, that would have left a human crippled, mended themselves. Even his problems with his intestines seemed to work themselves out. It was the little things that made him love being a mutant.
In the three months since Raph had rejoined his brothers for morning training, he had improved to the point where he was able to hold his own against them. He was even able to grip and hold his sai again. He wasn’t up to where he was before the attack yet and he still had to rebuild the muscle. Despite it all, he still managed to land a few blows to each of his brothers.
It felt good to be able to fight again and for his body to do what it was supposed to.
The worst part was his aim. He used to be the best when it came to hitting the target with daggers and stars but do to the loss of his left eye he was unable to hit his mark. He didn’t need the depth perception in close combat so the loss of the eye didn’t affect that as much.
After training was over they once again knelt down in front of their father. Splinter took a deep breath and looked at Raph. “You have improved a great deal, my son. And because of this I will allow you to go to the surface once again.” Before Raph could say anything, Splinter held up his hand. “However, you must only go when all three of your brothers can accompany you. Is that understood?”
“Yes, father,” Raph agreed, bowing deep to hide the pang of guilt. He hated lying to his father but he couldn’t stand having to stay in the lair much longer. “Thank you, father.”
After regaining his composure, Raph sat up and looked at his brothers. “Would you guys be alright with going to see Mrs. M?”
Leo nodded, “We can do that.”
“But for only an hour,” Donny added.
“Donny,” Mikey chided him.
Raph placed his hand on Mikey’s shoulder. “It’s okay. An hour is more than enough time. I was just wondering if I could be alone in there with her.”
“Nothing funny’s going on is there, Raph?” Mikey teased, flashing him a huge grin.
“God no!” Raph pushed him down. “Get that out of your head.”
They were dismissed and rest of the day progressed as usual. Mikey played videogames, Leo did some more training, Don vanished into his lab and Raph hit the weights.
As Raph used the free weights he was able to see into the dojo and watched Leo run through some complex katas. Raph couldn’t help but notice that he was a little off. “You okay, Leo?”
Leo paused and looked over at Raph. “I’m fine. Why?”
Raph shrugged, “You just look a little… tired.”
“Mikey had bad gas last night,” Leo answered then went back to his kata.
“I guess that would be my fault,” Raph chuckled. He had cooked dinner the night before. The only thing was there was nothing in the meal he made that should have given Mikey gas. Maybe he snuck into the kitchen after dinner and ate some more. Raph has no idea where he puts it all or how he stays so slight.
“I’m sure it’s Mikey’s,” Leo said as he flowed through to the next stance. Watching Leo move was as tranquil as watching the water flow down a river on a lazy spring day. There was no hesitation in his movements. Even in his current state of exhaustion he barely faltered.
After he was done exercising, Raph managed to get through lunch before heading to his room for more pills. He looked at the two pills in his hand and considered not taking them. But then his hand started to tremble and he took them.
That night they headed out of the lair and Raph could hardly contain himself. He was going to the surface. Anytime he went out to steal pills from the Purple Dragons Raph stayed to the sewers and entered the warehouse from underneath. So he never actually went outside.
He stumbled on Hun’s stash by accident one night on his way to the hospital, to see if there were any pills to take from the special site used to dispose unused prescription medicine. He saw it as a bit of vindication to get back a Hun for beating him up in the first place. Raph never took much, probably the same amount as some of Hun’s goons.
He got in grabbed what he needed and got out then back to the lair before anyone knew that he was gone. The hardest part was lying to his family about it. But he wouldn’t be allowed to go to the surface if they knew.
When they got to Mrs. Morrison’s place, Raph dropped down into the ally while the other’s stayed on the roof. He did his special knock and it wasn’t long before the lights came on and the door opened. He loved to see how her face lit up when she greeted him. No one else has ever been so happy to see him.
“Come in. Come in,” she said as she ushered him inside and closed the door. “We didn’t get long to talk last time you were here. I could tell that you were holding something back and I have been so worried.”
Raph kept a tight hold on her hand as they made their way to the sofa. “I didn’t want to get in to too much with my family here. And Master Splinter wanted me back up to a certain level before he allowed me to leave the lair again.”
“That’s understandable, dear.” They sat on the sofa and her hands came up to touch Raph’s face. “Oh, you poor child. You are too young to face such horrors.”
With a bitter chuckle, Raph leaned into her touch. “I have faced more horrors than most men much older than me.”
“I’m sure you have,” she whispered. She patted his cheek then stood up. “Would you like some cookies? I heard about these new morsels that have filling like caramel and mint. I had the lady who gets me my groceries buy me a few bags. I will admit that I ate a few before I added them to the mix.”
Raph chuckled, “I would love some.”
“Would you like to take some home to your family?” she asked from the kitchen. “I made a lot. I tend to get carried away.”
“I’m sure they would appreciate it,” Raph called back. “Fresh baked cookies are a luxury item for us.”
“I’ll put some in a bag then.” She soon returned with a plate of cookies and a glass of milk. She handed them to Raph and then sat down then gave Raph a chance to eat before asking, “Are you doing alright?”
Raph sighed. “I’m okay.”
“Raphael,” Mrs. Morrison chided lightly. “I know that something is bothering you.” Her hand came up and caressed his cheek. “You never held back from me before. Why start now? I mean, you told me about your feelings for Joi and what happened with your brother. Whatever it is, you can tell me.”
“I remember everything that was done to me,” Raph admitted. He wanted to tell her everything but he also wanted to spare her the details. Tears started to fall and he didn’t even try to stop them. He leaned down and placed his head in her lap. “He humiliated me and laughed while he did it. I can still hear his laughter in my dreams. There are times that I don’t let it get to me and then there are days that I wish he had killed me.”
“You can rise above this,” she soothed as he cried, running her hand over his carapace. She had no idea how nice it felt to have his carapace rubbed. If he could, he would be purring. Or maybe she did know. She had told him before that she had a pet turtle when she was younger.
He loved having her in his life. He brought comfort to her as much as she comforted him. She didn’t have much family and none of them lived in the area. So she looked forward to his visits as much as he did.
“So when do I get to meet this baby of yours?” Mrs. Morrison asked. “It’s been too long since I’ve held a baby.”
Raph chuckled, grateful for the change of topic and he wiped the tears from his cheeks. “Maybe I’ll get April to come and get you one day and lead you to the lair. It wouldn’t be safe to leave the lair with Snow.”
“That’s understandable,” she nodded. “Is she sitting up yet?”
“Yeah,” Raph smiled. “She’s strong. She can sit on her own and roll over. She can even scoot across the floor in a kind of commando crawl and she’s trying to pull herself up.”
Mrs. Morrison chuckled. “Sounds to me like she is going to be an early walker. My son was walking by eight months.” Her voice took on a hint of pain. It always did when she mentioned her children. It wasn’t right for a parent to outlive their children.
“As soon as she learns to walk she will start her training,” Raph said in jest. “She has a hard life ahead of her.”
“I pray for your happiness every day, Raphael.”
“I get moments,” Raph replied. “But overall happiness isn’t in the cards for someone like me and my brothers. Well, Don was able to find a little more than the rest of us.”
“I will continue to pray. Maybe you will be surprised.”
They continued to talk with Raph lying across Mrs. Morison’s lap as she stroked his shell and time passed all too quickly. A gentle knock on the door told Raph that his hour was up. He got up, said his goodbye then saw himself out.
“Here,” he handed Don the bag of cookies. “To make it all worth your while.”
Donny looked in the brown paper bag, “Cookies!” He reached in and pulled one out. “Chocolate, chocolate chip.” His eyes lit up when he took a bite. “With mint. These are wonderful.”
Raph chuckled. “She loves to make cookies. I’ll let her know that you like them.”
“Let’s get back to the lair,” Leo said, snatching the bag from Don before Mikey was able to grab a cookie. “We can indulge ourselves when we are safe at home.”
Mikey moaned but then was the first to make his way up to the rooftops. “Then let’s hurry back!”
