Feed The Squirrels
by D'Otter
"Give mine sand-which!" the squirrel growled from the branch of a nearby tree.
"Look, it's salmon!" the man replied. "It's meat! Squirrels don't eat meat!"
"You're wastin' your time," said a voice behind him. "Those guys don't know how to listen."
"Give mine sand-which!" the squirrel shrieked.
The man opened his mouth, but a furry finger touched his lips to stop him.
"Seriously dude..."
The man looked down the length of the arm to which the finger was attached. It belonged to a raccoon.
"...they know how to talk, but they only understand what they say. It's something weird about their brains..."
"Rip you fuck face off!!!" the squirrel shrieked.
"You should've just thrown her the sandwich and ran. By the time she'd sniffed it and nibbled the crust, she'd've forgot where she got it. She means it," he added, "she's gonna charge up and rip your fuckin' face off anyway."
"Fuck face!" the squirrel growled.
"I can fix it," the raccoon added, "for a price."
"Price?"
"I eat salmon."
The squirrel lept to the ground, hissing. She charged.
"Deal!" the man cried.
The raccoon charged into the squirrel's path. Both were big creatures, more than twice the size of their natural counterparts, but the raccoon still had the advantage. For a moment their mouths locked in a mutual bite. Then clever hands grabbed the squirrel and threw her face-first into the trunk of her tree. The raccoon followed close behind. His fangs savaged her tail until she galloped away on all fours, screaming.
The raccoon chased the squirrel away for a few seconds, then trotted back on his hind legs.
"Thanks," said the man.
"You shouldn't've come in the park, you know. It's not safe for humans any more. Not even grounds crews, they hire us to mow the grass."
"I won't come back. Thanks," he added again, holding out his sandwich.
"Naw, I was just kidding, you can keep that."
"Oh. Well..."
"Gimmee your fuckin' wallet!"
Copyright © 2014 A.D. Burrows, All Rights Reserved
