Mikey woke up next to Leo and stifled the need to stretch. They had both fallen asleep after several hours of heavy petting, curling up in each other’s arms. Mikey was still under the blanket, that stuck to him with their dried cum.
He still couldn’t believe what had happened and wondered if it was all moving too fast. He hated having doubts. Whenever he fantasized being with Leo, there was never any doubt or guilt.
Donny’s words about doubt echoed through his head. He didn’t want doubt to get in the way of his chance at happiness, to give in to dread or succumb to the sadness. He preferred to be happy and carefree, and to make others happy.
He turned his head and watched Leo as he slumbered. Knowing that Leo needed his rest and that he wasn’t used to waking up next to someone, Mikey eased himself out from under Leo and made his way out of the room.
He couldn’t help the smile that split his face as he closed the door behind him. When he turned he saw Raph coming down the hall. “Donny’s ready to tag your shell.” He paused, mid stride, and sniffed the air then a knowing smile spread across his beak.
“No,” Mikey glared at him and Raph’s smile only widened. “Stop that,” Mikey insisted. “We didn’t…. It’s just…. It’s not….” He groaned, “I’m gonna go take a shower.”
“I’m happy things are getting better for you, Mikey,” Raph called out after him. “And that you were able to use the kit so soon.”
“We didn’t use the kit because we didn’t have sex.” Mikey turned to look at Raph. His need to talk to someone overwhelmed him and he found himself unburdening himself onto Raph. “It’s kinda a sad irony though. I rejected you because I was afraid that you would hurt me and now… Leo…. He’s not himself.”
The smile dropped from Raph’s face. “Is there reason for concern? Did he hurt you?”
Mikey shook his head, “Not really. It’s just that… he’s worse than he was when we fought Shredder and almost died. He was scary and angry back then but not like this.”
“What’d he do,” Raph demanded, keeping his voice soft.
“Nothing bad,” Mikey insisted. “Nothing like when he was triggered by the movie, though that did freak me out a little. I though he was gonna kill me and I couldn’t get my thoughts together to fight back. After breakfast he… he… lost his temper over something… small. That’s common given his condition, I think…. I just hate that I don’t feel safe with him anymore.”
As the words left his mouth tears streamed down Mikey’s eyes. He hated saying them out loud. “I don’t know what to do. I still love him but part of me is afraid of him.”
Raph closed the gap between them in a few long strides and pulled Mikey into a warm hug. “You kicked his ass, remember. You are strong enough to handle him. You just need to be willing to put your feelings for him aside and fight back whenever he lashes out. You don’t have to hurt him but you’re skilled enough to keep him from hurting you. You know that it can happen so you won’t be thrown off guard due to disbelief.”
Mikey buried his face in Raph’s chest and hugged him tighter. “Thank you.” They stayed like that for a while and Mikey drew strength from Raph.
“You really stink,” Raph mumbled, causing Mikey to blush and pull away.
“I’ll go take my shower then,” Mikey mocked, feeling a little better for getting it all out as he glanced towards his bedroom. His heart skipped a beat when he noticed that the door was open a little. “Leo?”
Raph turned as Mikey rushed past him. He placed his hand on Mikey shoulder before he had the chance to rush into the room. “Remember what I said. I’ll tell Donny that you’ll be a while.”
“Thank you,” Mikey breathed as he pushed the door open and stepped in. He could hear Raph make his way past, on his way back to Donny’s lab. Mikey closed the door and leaned against it. “Leo?”
Leonardo lying was on the bed, looking up at the ceiling. “It does hurt to hear.” His voice was rough like he had to force the words out.
Mikey was afraid to ask, “What?”
“That you’re afraid of me now,” Leo answered without taking his eyes of the ceiling. “I understand the pain Raph felt and why it affected him so much. I don’t want you to be afraid of me.” His voice started to tremble. “Not when we just started to give this a try.”
Mikey had read, and understood, enough of the packet to know that it was difficult and frightening for Leo to connect to anyone. If Leo was starting to invest himself, emotionally, into Mikey, it was a good sign. But it would be detrimental to Leo’s mental wellbeing if Mike did reject him.
Then the realization hit Mikey. It was his rejecting Leo’s help that set him off in the kitchen. He hadn’t reacted that way before because he kept himself from making any emotional connections do to his fear of Splinter making him leave again. He was keeping himself apart from the family.
Since he was making the connection, his greatest fear was losing it, causing him to lash out. He was like a child again, learning that when he’s told ‘no’ that it didn’t mean that he was unloved or unwanted. Only, he was much stronger than a child.
Doubt crept into Mikey’s mind again. Was this an emotional rebound need or did he truly want Mikey? Whatever it was, Mikey was determined to help Leo through it.
“I told you that it’s not something I’m gonna leave you over. I want you to stay and I know that you’ll get better,” Mikey insisted.
Leo rolled over to his side and looked at Mikey, “What if I don’t?”
“You will,” Mikey walked over to the bed and sat down. He grabbed the packet that Donny had given him earlier and showed it to Leo. “I’m gonna help you. I read some of it already. The first page is about the journey that Splinter sent you on
“You had it worse than any others who have ever gone on it because, unlike them, you couldn’t encounter anyone else. It was common for the wanderers to go into villages and meet other people on the road. It was hard for them to avoid.
“The test was to see what they would become after a year of wandering. Some would become hermits, cutting themselves off from the rest of the world. Some continued to wander, falling in love with the freedom and lack of responsibility while others turned to a life of crime, losing the ability to have compassion for others.
“The ones who returned home would often find it hard to readjust to life within the confines of a village. They had to learn to interact with people on a daily basis again and form bonds. Some failed and fled but the ones who succeeded became some of the greatest clan leaders. They learned to value what they had and the ones around them.
“You were already a great leader, Leo. This should be nothing for you.” Mikey looked up from the paper and over at Leo. “Splinter kinda went through it too, if you think about it.”
“How so?” Leo sat up and dangled his legs over the edge of the bed. “He had us.”
“Yeah, but we were kids,” Mikey pointed out. “That must have been mind numbingly boring. You can’t have intellectual conversations with children. And if you think back, he had a temper when we were little and we had to beg him to give us attention. He would lose his cool over the little things and spend hours alone meditating. We were a burden to him and he even left us for a while. In time he grew to love us and he spent time sitting with us and holding us.”
“I remember,” Leo nodded.
“Splinter could do it, I know you can. I’m gonna help you.”
“There have been times that I wanted to leave,” Leo admitted. “As much as I hated being alone, being around others was hard. You’ve made it easier. You were the most difficult to be around at first but now I wanna spend time with you.”
“Good,” Mikey managed a soft smile. “I can work with that.”
Leo tilted his head to the side and asked, “What did Raph say to you when he hugged you?”
“That I didn’t have to be afraid of you because I am fully capable of kicking your ass.”
Leo laughed, a sound that brought a genuine smile to Mikey’s face. “I guess you can,” Leo managed to say between chuckles.
“So keep that in mind,” Mikey teased while pretending to be serious. “You lose your temper with me again and I will lay you out.”
“I’ll keep that in mind,” Leo nodded, maintaining his good humor.
Mikey stood, “I really need a shower. Then I guess I’ll go down to Don’s lab to get my shell tagged.”
“I’ll go with you,” Leo offered. “I did say that I would hold your hand.”
“Yeah, you did,” Mikey reached his hand out to help Leo up. “And I would love to have you join me in the shower.”
“How about the sauna,” Leo countered. “There’s more room and I need to clean my shell.”
“Okay,” Mikey forced himself to agree. He hated removing his shell for cleaning and preferred to just let the water run down his back, under his shell. “I just hope we don’t run into anyone along the way,” Mikey attempted to get Leo to change his mind. “I mean, we reek of each other right now.”
“Raph already knows,” Leo pointed out as he headed towards the door. “That means everyone else knows by now too.”
“True,” Mikey nodded as he followed Leo.
They passed the lab on the way to the sauna and the sounds of gentle churrs and moans could be heard through the door. “I guess Donny’s not ready for you yet,” Leo quipped, making Mikey have to cover his mouth to keep from laughing out loud.
When they entered the sauna, Mikey noticed that Leo locked the door and Mikey’s stomach turned to knots. He wasn’t sure how far he was willing to go. He knew that he wanted to be sure their relationship would work before they had sex.
“I guess I’m gonna test Donny’s tag to washing,” Leo said, turning on the water jets in the small tub used for washing their shells. “You can put yours in with mine. Even if the tag falls out, mine has the hole in it.”
Leo waved Mikey over and the younger turtle fought past his apprehensions and managed to put one foot in front of the other. When he reached Leo, Mikey turned so that Leo could grab hold of his shell and remove it.
Leo set both their shells to clean in the gentle jets of water then turned to wash himself before entering the hot tub.
They followed the Japanese traditions of bathing and cleaned themselves before entering the hit tub. The water in the hot tub was filtered but no one wanted to soak in someone else’s filth.
There was a spot with a drain in the floor with two plastic stools and buckets. A water spigot provided warm water for washing and there was a variety of soaps to choose from. Due to the fact that Mikey didn’t like to remove his shell, it wasn’t a place that he frequented. Where Donny preferred to do all of his bathing in the sauna, Mikey preferred the shower.
He watched Leo suds up his arms and legs and admired how the moisture highlighted his muscles. Mikey figured that if he was going to be in there, he might as well make the best of it. “Let me wash your back,” he offered, sitting on the other stool.
With a nod, Leo handed Mikey the wash rag and turned his back to him. When Mikey was done with Leo they both turned so Leo could wash Mikey’s back. He could feel his plates shift every time Leo brought the rag close. It was just so unsettling for Mikey.
“It’s not gonna hurt, Mikey,” Leo soothed as he gently ran the cloth along Mikey’s spine.
“I’m just not used to having my back touched,” Mikey explained. “It feels weird.”
“Maybe in time you’ll learn to enjoy it,” Leo said then leaned forward to plan a kiss next to the top plate.
A full body shiver overtook Mikey and he whispered, “Maybe.”
Leo lifted a bucket of warm water and dumped it over Mikey to rinse the suds then the two entered the hot tub. The warm water felt good. Mikey had forgotten how nice a properly cleaned back felt.
Leo lifted an arm to drape it over Mikey’s shoulder and pulled him close. Tilting his head, Mikey reached up to capture Leo’s lips. They filled their time with soft kisses and gentle touches.
Mikey eventually moved on to Leo lap. Leo’s hands moved down Mikey’s back as they continued to kiss and the tender skin seemed tingle with excitement. If anyone was going to have their hands all over the parts of his body Mikey didn’t want exposed, he was glad it was Leo.
He could still see the brother he fell in love with behind the confusion and anger. And he was going to do all that he could to bring him back to the surface.
