I was on a boat one day, fishing for a new word of the day
My friend ran up to me saying that he killed someone
He asked me if he was going to hell
I said «My dear boy, there is no room in hell»
I decided to get off the internet so we could go dig a hole
We dug 300 feet deep when my dad called me
He wanted a hand for making the soup for dinner
Next time I will give him my left one.
We dug to the earth’s core where we met a snowman
He was a puddle of water on the ground
He asked us what we are doing
I told him «we are digging a new hell»
He said that we could just reserve a room in hell from his fire breathing dragon.
«So thats why you’re a talking lake» I said
After reserving our spots, he gave us an upside down cross
and an I Heart Lucifer t-shirt and we were on our way
Without a right hand was the worst time I had asleep
I could not do my daily pushups that I lied to my friends about
I tell them I do multiple pushups.
You can multiply the number 2, Right?
Whatever, I was never good at geography anyway.
Did you know that thousands of people die each hour from hunger?
I knew a man who died from hunger
He was too big to reach his bag of Doritos, or to reach his phone
I miss my dog Ripley
My parents said that they gave him away
So I wonder why there is a grave in my back yard
Maybe it’s my future dreams buried in there
My sister says that when she grows up she wants to be a mother
I could never be a mother, mainly because I will never fall in love
But that’s my choice. So I wonder why my parents are so worried?
I told them that when I grow up, I want to be an eraser.
Mainly because nobody has ever completely finished an eraser
Have you? Plus I get to correct people for their mistakes.
I guess George W Bush has a million erasers
I’m sure you can figure that joke out on your own.
I could use a nap right about now
What time is it now?
I don’t care about the time.
I say I’m tired, not my watch
Oops, it’s 9:30 pm, time to go to bed
I guess it’s time that I start making coffee and loading up my playstation.
That sounds like the perfect night
Until I find that the only coffee we have is made and is three weeks old
It was actually very terrible coffee.
I left next door to get a coffee from Starbucks instead
After I saw the prices I decided that it’s cheaper to fill my car with gas
So I set up my video game system in my car and drank coke with the heater on
Robbers started chasing me, so I started to run on foot
When I was running, I fell into my dug hole
When I landed I saw the robbers standing over me
They handed me my wallet that I hadn’t dropped at the Starbucks
I stood up and climbed my way out with one arm behind my back
Next time I will make sure it’s my right arm behind my back
When I reached the top, I ran into my blind friend
He showed me the way to my home
I stepped on a cornflake when I walked into my room
There were police cars parked outside my house
I guess I'm a cereal killer now
So I walked out with my hand up
Now I do time for my crime
Oh, I’m a poet and I didn’t know it
I served my two minutes of jail time
Or was it two years? I don’t remember
As soon as I was released, I bought a dog
I named him Ripley two
He was afraid of trees
I tried so many times to explain to him that they are all bark no bite
So he started to bite the bark
Sadly, he lost his bite
Now the bark bites back
Beware the bark that bites those that bite its bark
Speaking of bark, I managed to save one of my fingers
I planted it in a pot filled with fertilizer and rocks
Every day I watered and tended my finger
In a month my right hand had grown back
I used olive oil to attach it to my hand
That and industrial power tools
Now it works like a charm
If charms worked painfully
It’s a pain sometimes
Ripley two likes to play fetch
Every time I throw the ball
It goes flying, and I’m not talking about the ball
Then I have to chase him around to get it back
I was watching the news the other day
A man had crashed an expensive car
Now I know how the Mersadies Benz
Well, it’s time for me to go to my spot in hell
Just remember the lesson of this poem
Never give your father a hand for the soup
And don’t ever, ever, ever, ever........ I forgot my point.
