The time had come. Their costumes were ready, and so were they.
Ricky had covered his body in fake tan so he was orange all over. He had green gloves and briefs on, and a snake-head helmet (which was like cannibalism to him). To any observer, he was clearly DC’s “Copperhead”.
Maxxie, meanwhile, had used fur dye to dye a lightning bolt on his chest and gold bands on his wrists. “Black Adam” was walking the streets alongside “Copperhead”. This was causing a stir, prompting passers-by to ask when Hallowe’en was.
Eventually, the two made it to the park. They entered, and made their way over to the island in the centre. Except that there were a couple of problems: there appeared to be precisely nothing on the island, and:
“How we getting across, dude?”
They looked to their left, and they looked to their right. There were no boats, no floating logs, no conveniently placed trees, and no obvious means of transporting themselves across the water.
“I guess this means we’re swimming then?”
“Hell no!” exclaimed Maxxie immediately. He and water rarely mixed well. He shivered at the mere thought of it and looked down. “There’s a card here!”
Bending down, “Black Adam” picked up the seemingly random brown square of card and read the writing on it:
THERE’S AN INVISIBLE PATH
The boys stared at the card for a second.
“What? No there ain’t!”
“Just a minute!” said Ricky, looking back down where the card had been found. “There’s another!”:
YES THERE IS. HERE, CHUCK THIS ACROSS
And to the right of this new card, there was a small pebble. Maxxie picked it up, and skimmed it across the surface of the water.
After two skims, the stone hit what appeared to be solid air and bounced off of it, hitting the water again and sinking immediately. There was silence.
“Ok, that’s weird.” Said Maxxie, still staring at the space where the stone had bounced.
To navigate the invisible tiles, Ricky got right down to crawl over the water and used his hands to feel out where the tiles were.
“Fantastic view dude!” came Maxxie’s voice from behind him.
“Damnit man, this is no time to admire my bum!”
Eventually, they did reach the island. The empty island.
“Well, we’re here!”
Almost at once, Maxxie’s nose flattened as he slammed into thin air. He reeled backwards holding his nose.
“What the shit…?”
Suspecting more invisible shenanigans, “Copperhead” stretched out a green hand and felt the strangely solid air where Maxxie's face had been. Feeling around, his hand closed around what was a handle. He pulled. A door opened in the middle of the island. Inside wherever they had opened, it was very dark. They entered.
Inside the invisible castle, all was pitch black, which became complete the moment that the door slammed shut behind them. Maxxie’s cat’s eyes were the only source of light, yellow and lamp-like.
“Well fuck, what now?” came Ricky’s voice from the darkness.
“No idea du-“
Maxxie’s reply was immediately drowned out by the sound of a pipe organ, amplified to a level that would make Spinal Tap defecate masonry and playing what was, unquestionably, the first thirty seconds of Bach’s Tocatta and Fugue. Clutching themselves with fear, Maxxie and Ricky had only just stopped bricking it when there came a voice out of nowhere, deep and booming. It could have been either God or Satan.
“MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!” the voice laughed, the sound filling the room. “SO, YOU’VE DECIDED TO APPLY FOR MY JOB, EH MORTALS?”
“Y-yeah!” said Maxxie in a tiny voice.
“VERY WELL, BUT YOU MAY NOT MAKE IT… ALIVE! AHAHAHAHAHAHA-”
“OH FOR GOD’S SAKE!”
After the sparking noise and the deity’s outburst, the lights came on in the castle, causing Ricky and Maxxie to blink like they had been photographed. The newly-lit room was a vast entrance hall, with a grand staircase in front of them.
A grey raccoon, with long hair and a bright orange-and-white uniform with “FWOOMP!” on the front of it trotted down the stairs and headed to an amplifier that was not seven feet from the two boys. He grumbled as he approached the amp and began to fiddle with it.
“Damn amp, why does this keep happening? It’s not like I mean to blow the speaker out every time…”
Utterly perplexed as to what was going on, the boys slowly approached the mysterious coon behind the amplifier. As they neared, however, two things caught their eyes: two large asscheeks, looking uncomfortable cooped-up in that tight uniform, were jiggling with each movement their owner made. To break the awkward silence, Ricky spoke up.
“Um, mate? We’re here for a job?”
The raccoon’s upper half appeared leaning on top of the speaker, and he and the two boys got to look at each other.
The raccoon, to their surprise, was quite handsome. Devilishly handsome, in fact. His grey curtain of hair was covering one of his golden-orange eyes, and his face was boyish and unnervingly attractive.
The raccoon, meanwhile, was looking them up and down and taking in every detail about them. His face then split in a wide smile.
“Welcome gentlemen!” he said, moving out from the speaker and holding out a hand for them to shake. Almost instantly, the boys were aware of a large bulge in the crotch area of this raccoon. “Excellent costumes, boys! C’mon, I’ll give you the tour!” And without another word, he turned, walked up the stairs and through the door at the top, cheeks bouncing merrily.
To their right as they entered the brightly-lit room was a small workbench, upon which was what looked like a gun. But their attention was called to the other side of the room by their host.
“Welcome to my weapons range, gentlemen!” announced Nori. “Not many people are allowed in here, except when I’m showing off.”
At the end of the range was a chair, and strapped to said chair was a mouse, clad in an iron-grey uniform, his hands roped to the back of the chair. He began to stir.
As he woke up, he realised where he was and began to struggle against his bonds.
“What the hell? Oh for God’s sake Nori, not again!”
“Boys, say hello to Larry, my weapons test subject!”
“Who are they?” asked Larry, squinting to try and see Ricky and Maxxie.
“Ricky Hamilton and Maxxie Black, my new apprentices!”
Nori sauntered over to the test bench and picked up the weapon, and in the light Maxxie and Ricky could see it properly for the first time. It was a two-handed gun of some kind, sleek, shiny and carbon black all over, except for the trigger, the muzzle and the sights, all of which were neon pink. All in all, it did not look like the typical weapon of doom that a traditional supervillain might threaten you with.
“We’re testing out the U-B ray again!” the raccoon called happily down on the range.
“Oh joy.” Larry the test mouse called unhappily back up the range.
“The U-B ray?” Ricky mouthed at Maxxie as this was going on.
“Unskinny Bop ray, maybe?” Maxxie mouthed back. Ricky shrugged.
“Right, boys!” said Nori, holding the gun up and aiming down its sights at Larry. “Watch this!”
And he fired the U-B ray.
With a 1950’s “PTEW!” noise, the ray gun shot out a small pinky-purple ball of light at a terrific speed down the range towards Larry. It hit him squarely in the chest and, with a small “Whumph!”, he toppled backwards off of his chair. Ricky and Maxxie leaned forwards to see what had happened to the mouse.
“What..?” Began Maxxie, but Nori raised a hand up to stop him.
“Wait for it!” he whispered. And then they heard it. A most curious noise was issuing forth from where Larry was, a mix between a whining puppy and the moaning of someone having a wet dream.
A very wet dream.
Nori beckoned to the cat and the snake and they both followed him down the range towards Nori’s helpless henchmouse. When they were within five feet of his body, they noticed that he was shivering quite badly all over.
“Well now,” said Nori clasping his hands together and kneeling down beside Larry. “I do believe my little ray’s worked perfectly. Again!”
“Um, Nori?” said Ricky
“Boys,” said Nori, turning to face up at them, grinning a grin that lit up the room and turning the quaking test subject’s body over. “You’ve just witnessed my Über-Boner Ray in action!” And as Nori turned Larry to fully face upwards, the boys could see exactly why it was named that.
“Whoa!” said Ricky and Maxxie in amazement, as they observed the mouse’s now towering erection staining his uniform with a rapidly-growing amount of pre-cum.
“Will he be alright?” asked Ricky.
“Of course!” replied Nori robustly, beckoning the boys out of the firing range and down the corridor. “That weapon, as you can see, provides a fabulous distraction, because the guard gets such an all-consuming stiffy that he can barely stand upright! And that’s not all the weapons I make!” Nori said, picking up his stride and power-walking excitedly down the corridor. “You’ve got to check this out! I call it the “Broad Beam”…”
The rest of the afternoon was spent touring Nori’s castle and observing (and occasionally testing) the various sexually-themed weapons. There was the “Broad Beam”, a Needler-like gun which fired a ray that expanded whatever it happened to hit. This was tested out upon things like car tyres, a piece of steak and the buttocks of another of Nori’s workers. There was also the “Bimbofication Lipstick”, which could turn even the most timid person into an utter sexual demon. The SeX-Ray specs were used to look through people’s clothes to various levels of undress, like “undies” and nude”. It was as if Q Branch had moved into Willy Wonka’s chocolate factory and decided to make the weapons from Saint’s Row, and it was easily the most fantastical place that either Ricky or Maxxie had ever been to.
After all this fun, however, Nori took them up to his office to discuss the job.
“OK, boys”, said Nori, sitting in his favourite swivelling chair behind his large desk. “Here’s my proposition: You get to use the weaponry you just saw and you get paid for it! What do you say?”
After discussing the proposal between themselves, Ricky and Maxxie stood up. Nori stood up too.
“You’re asking two young, impressionable teens to partake in super-sexual harassment on various unwitting and unwilling peoples and actually engage in it ourselves?”
“That’s basically it.”
“Right, well, we’ve got two words for you: FUCK YES!”