Have you ever wondered why we were born? Or why we were born this way? Born broken, wrong, a harm to others. How living as yourself is just a mistake. Maybe you don’t have to deal with that. Maybe you can live your life as what people call normal. What everyone calls normal. When being normal doesn’t mean you have to suffer. That you don’t have to hold yourself back.
If people can be born normal, why are some not born normal? Why did life let us live or exist in such an abnormal way? Is it actually just a mistake? Or is this some sort of sick joke? Why does everyone get to live happy lives while I have to suffer on my own from something I had no say in… I never asked to be born like this. I never wanted to be like this… when did it all go wrong…
9 months ago… Life was so much simpler when I didn’t have this… sickness… this disease… Back when I could still look at my friends and classmates normally. When I could act normally with them, when I could feel normal around them. Back when I couldn’t have hurt them the way I did. God… I’m so sorry Eiji…
I wish I knew what was happening to me… If I had known, maybe I wouldn’t have done that to you… I was being so selfish… but so desperate… I wish I could’ve seen you one more time… and actually apologize for what I did. Maybe you would have understood what I was going through. Maybe you would’ve liked it just like me- NO, No! What am I thinking? Is my medication wearing out? I need to focus.
I’m sorry… Those eyes told me everything… I hurt you in ways no one else could’ve possibly hurt you… all to scratch my selfish urge… the one I couldn’t control. The one so unfairly given to me, so early too. It isn’t right, no 9 year old should have to feel like this… I don’t think anyone should. The burning want. The empty itching feeling deep in my tummy. But when it’s getting scratched, oh what a wonderful feeling. A wonderful, warm, tingly, filling… Stop… I need to focus!
It isn’t my fault right? It wasn’t my fault when it first happened… that’s what they said. How could I or anyone have known I turned out like this? Even if the first was just an accident… what does that mean if I did it again? When I knew better, but still chose to do it?... I’m sorry Dad…
…
I’m sorry for doing that to you too… I shouldn’t have skipped taking my medicine… the one you bought for me with your own hard earned money… all because you still loved me… despite my defect… you truly did care for me… but I still… I still… kept on chasing that amazing… addicting… feeling… Why does it feel so good? Why does it feel so tempting? It keeps baiting me to want more of it… Why?
…
I feel like these pills and shots are failing me. The thoughts, the urges are still trying to creep back. If so, then what’s gonna happen to me? What was all that help from the doctors for? What were all the painful itching, sleepless nights for? Am I a lost cause? It’s better if i go away anyway, no one in this orphanage would miss me. Even on my best behaviour, I’m still a burden. Even if I have to suffer being like this, to act normal… It’s still not enough… It’s never enough… So why bother keeping me? Why do I bother with all the appointments and check ups? Why bother with anything?
*Sob*
I don’t wanna go… I still want things to go back to normal. To the good old days when I could still play with my friends. Without this stupid burning Heat inside me. Torturing me everyday of my life. I wanna live like normal. Be normal. Why is it so hard just to be normal?
I’m so tired. Tired of feeling like this. Tired of all the shots. The loneliness. If I am gonna be stuck with this forever, do I just have to live with it? Live with this wrongness for the rest of my life? For how many more years? Do I just have to feel tired… uncomfortable… itchy… hot… for the next god knows how long? Can I really live like that? Alone?
Do I even have a future anymore? Do I still have dreams to achieve when I’m like this now? If I do… could I even achieve it? Would it even be worth it? What is my worth anymore?
I’m going in circles. I can’t stop thinking about my regrets. I can’t stop thinking about what am I supposed to do. What am I supposed to be? I’m stuck in a loop… feeling sorry for myself for what I did. But it’s not like I can even put on a smile like that… it’s too hard… i wanna just… sleep…
.
.
.
*Knock*
*Knock*
*KNOCK*
What time is it now? Who’s knocking? It must be the caretakers… Maybe it's morning already? Did I sleep through another night early? Whatever… I guess I should eat… and then take my medicine.
Another adoption interview huh? That makes how many? Like I bothered to count. Why are there still people interested in me? Why do people still try and help me? What is there that they see in me? Don’t they see I’m a lost cause? I’m just a mistake. A mistake that should have never been born…
I’m a freak… I don’t deserve to be with anyone… I don’t want to hurt anyone else… but I hate feeling like this… why… does it have to be this way…?
Should I even bother? Probably not… I’ll just get this interview over with so I can finally be alone again in my room… that’s what I deserve… loneliness… I don’t deserve parents… I don’t deserve friends… I don’t deserve any of their care…
…
Time to go I guess…
.
.
.
That was… weird… He was excited to see me? Says he actually knows how to help with my heat? And without those pills or shots? There’s no way right? I mean… he can’t actually mean like? No… no one would ever do that for me, right? He says he’s a doctor… but what does he know that the other doctors don’t?
I still have to choose, if I want to be with him or not… This is the first ever person to not be scared… or freaked out… or even sad about me. He seemed like he was happy… happy to help with my condition? Or was he happy that I have this condition? I don’t know… but maybe this is my chance. A chance to finally live normally again. If he can really cure me? Or if he’s just okay with me being like this?
Is this man… the one for me?
…
…
I don’t want to be alone anymore…
I’ll go.
[To be continued]
