The arena was filled. Spectators form many different worlds gathered to watch the sixty four combatants whittle themselves down to just one. Round one was about to start. Thirty two sections with two combatants each appeared. Raph was paired with a large elephant like creature. The creature was strong but slow and Raphael had the greater skill. He managed to doge every attack with ease. A swift kick behind his opponent’s knee sent it to the ground. Raph turned sai at the ready to strike, only to meet air. The match was done, he had won.
The remaining thirty two were then split into sixteen groups. In the brief transition Raph could see all three of his brothers had made it through. He also caught a glimpse of Usagi and the four humans.
This time Raph was paired with a creature with four arms, a sword in each hand. It towered over Raph by at least a foot. It was a harder fought battle but Raph was still faster. He disarmed two of the swords, had to use the wall to jump over his opponent, and kicked it in the back of the head. It staggered. Before his feet even touched the ground, Raph sent a sai flying towards the dazed creature. His weapon only met with the wall after the creature was teleported away.
He had a few moments to rest before the next round would begin. He collected his weapon from the wall and waited. The roar of the crowd and the clash of combatants nearby filled the air, fueling him. He was ready. There was a lull, the third round was about to begin.
There was another shift. Raph had a moment of brief eye contact with Donnie and a wide grin spread across his face. Raph was going to have to think of a good reward for him later. He winked at his favored and earned a big grin in return.
The walls came up and Raph heard a gasp from behind him. He turned to see Joi standing weapon ready. He readied his sai and lunged. She didn’t try to talk, just fight. She was good, but he was better. Toying with her, he let her believe she was doing well. He didn’t want to waste too much time on her though. He felt his anger from all those years ago surface and he started to get sloppy.
She swung down for what could have been her final blow, but Raph managed to evade it. Anger built in to rage, he felt the overwhelming desire to hurt her. He feigned to the left then switched to the right throwing her off balance. The fear in her eyes fueled him further.
….
The next thing he knew, he was standing alone in the ring. He could not remember the end of the fight. One sai was buried in the wall the other was in a death grip in his hand. His breath shook while he gathered his bearings. The crowd was still cheering for the other fights that were still going on.
He closed his eyes as he tried to settle the beating of his heart. The walls came down after the final battle was won. Raph looked around. Tora was the only human remaining. All four of his brothers were also still standing along with Usagi, a Triceraton and D’jin.
The Ultimate Daimyo stood from his seat high above, “There will be a break before the final three rounds so that our champions can rest.” Raphael’s eyes moved over to Splinter, who was sitting next to the Daimyo. His master looked sad as he looked back at Raphael.
“We’re all still in it.” Leo stated coming up behind Raph, a little breathless. “Sadly, I was the one who took out Adam.”
Michelangelo and a grinning Donatello joined them. “What do you want to do with our free time?” Donnie asked.
“I going,” Raph mumbled. “I…I need… to go.”
Donnie reached out for him, but Raph just shrugged him away and left.
He didn’t know where else to go, so he went back to the rooms.
Once there he closed the door behind him. He was finding it hard to breathe. “What’s wrong with me?” he gasped. He thought he had it contained. He sank to the floor burying his face in his knees and wrapping his arms tight around his legs.
It was like with Mikey and Leo. He lost it and blacked out, taken over with pure rage. With Mikey his brothers managed to step in and stop him from dealing a damaging, if not fatal blow. Leo was lucky that he snapped out of it before Raph plunged his sai into his brother’s eye. And he will never forget the first time that he blacked out. No one was there to stop him that time. The memories of the aftermath still haunt him.
“Raph?” Donnie’s voice startled Raph. Putting down his bow staff, Donnie walked over to him. “What happened?” When Raph didn’t respond he sat down and pulled Raph into him. “Please talk to me,” he pleaded.
Raph let himself find comfort in Don’s embrace. “I don’t know what to do anymore.”
Donnie kissed his head, “Then, talk to me and let me help you. I’m smart. I can figure it out.”
“I went into a blind rage while fighting Joi. If it weren’t for the safeties, I would have killed her. There’s darkness within me and I can’t contain it anymore.” Raph turned into Donnie so that he was cradled in his older brother’s arms. “I’ve been having nightmares.”
“About your abuse?” Donnie asked. “You had one the other night at the farm.”
“I have them every night.” Raph said, “The other night was just extra violent.”
Donnie nodded and kissed Raph’s head. “Mikey told me that your abuser beat you.”
“They’re not about the abuse.” Raph’s voice was barley a whisper. “In my nightmares I watch myself kill the three of you.” Donnie tensed but didn’t speak, so Raph continued. “I’m dressed as the shredder and I control the Foot. I keep Splinter locked up, I keep Karai prisoner or sometimes kill her, and I kill you.”
“They’re just nightmares, Raphie.” Donnie’s voice had a hint of fear in it.
“I’ve thought about it.” Raph confessed tears soaking his mask. He could tell Donnie was becoming frightened but was fighting it. “Mostly after a big fight with Leo, I think that I would be the better leader. But, I know I will never get the chance to prove it. So, I think that I could take Karai out and take over the Foot. Then you would all see that I could do it better. I would prove it by taking you down…. I don’t want to hurt you, Donnie,” he cried. “I’m scared.”
“Well figure this out. Work through it,” Donnie sounded determined. “I won’t lose you to this. I waited too long to have you.”
“I’ve done bad things already.” Raph had a lump in his throat and he felt like he might be sick. “I’m messed up.”
“I…,” Donnie hesitated, “I know.”
Raph shook his head, “It’s more than what I did to Mikey and Leo.”
Donnie’s mouth moved a few times before the words came out, “I know about the dog.” Raph’s heart sank as Donnie pulled him closer. “I saw you when we were nine.”
“I was already angry when I found him. He was hurt and I went to help. But he bit me and I blacked out.” Raph explained. “I’m sorry, Donnie.”
“For what?” Donnie asked.
“That you go stuck with me.”
Donnie pulled back and pushed Raph up so that they could look each other in the eyes. “What do you mean by that?”
“I couldn’t have been your first choice.” Raph stated, “When Leo and Mikey started to favor each other, it was either me or their third wheel.”
“Is that what you think?” Donnie was shocked and hurt.
“You’re too good for me, Donnie. You always have been.”
Tears had soaked through Donnie’s mask and were running down his cheeks. “You’re an idiot.” He wiped his face as best he could with his hand, “I’ve loved you for as long as I can remember.”
“But, you went to Leo first.” Raph was confused.
Donnie let out a halfhearted laugh, “Only because I thought you would reject me and hit me. I may have loved you, but I was more afraid of you. That and Mikey made me do it. He wanted me to make sure Leo was okay with it before he made his move.” Donnie sighed, “To be honest I got jealous when Mikey told us about you going to him first. I wanted it so much to be me.”
“I never noticed, I’m sorry.” Raph tilted his head, “Well, I knew you feared me, but not that you loved me.”
“How long have you loved me?” Donnie ventured.
“I’m not sure.” Raph admitted. “I have known that I love you for about a year now.”
Donnie looked down, he fought back sobs. “I wasn’t your first choice.”
“I thought I loved Leo.” Raph admitted.
Donnie looked at him in shock. “You fought all the time, and you went to Mikey first.”
“I went to Mikey first because I thought he was an easy target.” Raph felt a swell of regret remembering how he thought he had turned his abuse on to his brothers. “My feelings for Leo were confused. I thought that it was love, but I guess it really wasn’t. That’s why I was willing to give him up to be with Joi.” He took a breath, “I took it so hard when he left because I had just lost Joi, and that made it harder for me. When he returned and started favoring Mikey I soon realized that I never really loved him. I mean, I love him, but… you know what I mean.”
“So you settled for me.” Raph could hear the sadness in Donnie’s voice.
“No,” Raph answered flatly. “I didn’t think I was capable if love, so I settled for casual sex.” Raph looked Donnie in the eyes. “You were the only one that figured me out and you put up with me. So, slowly I started favoring you over Leo and Mikey. I liked being with you.” Raph reached up and removed the tear soaked mask from Donnie’s face. “I started to trust you above the others. I actually enjoyed having to pull you away from the computer. I thought those goggle things you wore made you look cute, with the way they magnified your eyes.” Raph chuckled. “One night as I was leaving your room, I realized that I really didn’t want to go. I wanted to stay with you.” Donnie sobbed as Raph spoke, tears streaming. “I love you, Donnie. I know that because I’m not willing to give you up for anything.”
Donatello sprung forward, grabbed Raph’s face and kissed him. It was wet and salty. Donnie’s hands moved up and removed Raph’s equally soaked mask. He then laid back pulling Raph on top of him. Their plastrons rubbed together and Donnie’s hands moved up Raph’s thighs to remove the tail guard. He grabbed Raph’s tail, and gently tugged on it.
A gong sounded and they broke from their kiss. “It’s time to get back.” Donnie sounded disappointed. He picked up their masks. “We better get clean ones, before heading back.” He rushed to their shared room and returned with two clean masks.
“Are you gonna be okay to fight?” Raph asked Donnie.
Tying on a clean mask, Donnie smiled. “You just confessed you love me in a very sincere way. I’m on such a high right now. I know you’ve told me before and all, but this time just seemed different.” He walked over and kissed Raph. “As for the other thing, we’ll deal with it together. Maybe talking it out with someone will help.”
They kissed a few more times before heading out the door. Raph did feel better now that he had confessed everything to Donnie. The tightness in his chest eased knowing that despite it all, Donnie still loved him. He didn’t feel like he deserved it, but he was glad that Donnie had never given up on him.
