You know... almost a decade and a half ago I was convinced that my life had no real end goal or meaning to it... that sooner or later I'm gonna be offing myself before I even hit 30. May have gotten less dramatic as an adult but the feeling only justified itself more and more overtime.
Parents used to think I was a smart kid when I was younger. So much "potential"... The more I grew the more I grew the more that "potential" amounted to... nothing really. They were never hard on me studies wise but they were never keen on me making friends with "bad influences" cuz apparently unlike them I was "going places" with my "potential".
So I never did make friends. Eventually people stopped seeing that "potential" I was just like everybody else all along... except I didn't have friends. But then I discovered a new word people liked to throw at me... "Talent"... since with no one to be around all I could do in my spare time was draw... And thus I became "Talented"
It got peoples attention at the very least...
"You're like a pro"
"You could earn a living with this"
"You can make more than any starting wage here"
And now suddenly I'm 30... I have no skills unrelated to art, I have a degree that I don't know shit about anymore (not that I knew much to begin with), and I only got 1 job I can put down on my resume... and that's the job I lost earlier this year... (also paypal blacklisted me but I do got payoneer now which is nice)
And right now I can't even draw... Literally at bun bfs place for the past few days cuz home is hectic but also I wanted to isolate myself from distractions and try to "relearn" how to fucking code as one would expect from the degree I god and low key at the verge of tears from basically not know ANYTHING and having to start from scratch... Because I can't work by drawing with my hand like this... in addition to feeling as useless as anybody stuck in a cast needing help from other people I'M GOING TO FUCKING SCREAM
But for some reason... I'm still alive
...And I got two loving boyfriends actually... Actually that is nice
So... Happy Birthday to me I guess
And despite not really feeling at all like a full adult it's about time I grew up then
Keywords
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Details
Published:
5 months ago
25 Nov 2025 17:03 CET
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Small: d6f9c256c684da5aa44e231c8394be4e
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