A knock sounds at the door of Apartment 709. Radar’s ears perk, and he groans as he pulls himself off his sofa and stretches out his entire six-foot-nine frame, his huge wings extending as well. It’s been a rough morning; he had to replace his refrigerator, but this new one hasn’t worked no matter what he’s done to it – Not even screaming profanities at it or kicking a dent into the side! Eventually, he relented and called his… Well, he called someone he knew might be able to help – Bandit the Raccoon. The bat, fully aware of how he and Bandit get along, knows this encounter could either go smoothly or just lead to an even worse headache, but he didn’t have a lot of choice – The only other one he could call, Smoky, had said she’s busy working on a project for the town mayor right now.
After adjusting his blood-red muscle shirt, Radar presses his ear to the door, rolling his eyes as his sensitive echolocation ‘sees’ the lanky raccoon on the other side, looking chill and smug as ever. "Fuck’s sake…" he mutters, before sighing and opening the door.
Bandit grins, giving his usual cheeky wave as a greeting as he steps inside. Standing four inches shorter and several sizes lighter than the solidly-built Radar, the raccoon slinks past into the living room, immediately leaning on the back of the sofa. "So, His Majesty has requested my humble presence, eh?"
The bat sighs. "Look, I'm not in the mood; can you just-"
But the raccoon cuts him off with a slight tilt of his head. "Now, if I waited for you to be in the mood, I'd never get to give you my charming self!"
Narrowing his eyes, Radar growls "That's the point, dickhead. Can you fix my fridge?"
A chuckle escapes Bandit as he asks "Let me guess – Kicking it didn’t solve your problem?" He smirks as he sees the mounting irritation in the bat’s expression.
"No, smartass; if it had, I wouldn’t have fucking called you." Taking a deep breath, Radar shakes his head. "Let me rephrase my request – Can you fix my fridge without being an ass about it, please and thank you?"
Bandit's tone turns condescending as he stands straight, grinning. "Ooh, there we go, big boy learned his manners!"
"Fuck, Bandit!" Looking like he's physically restraining himself from throwing a punch, Radar storms to the kitchen, shouting "It's always fucking something with you! Why can't you take a goddamned hint? I'm not in the mood; I just want my useless piece of shit fridge fixed! Fuck!" A loud THUMP sounds from the other room, and Bandit just chuckles again, reasoning the bat kicked the appliance again.
"Did that help?" He calls out to Radar.
There's a momentary pause before the bat responds "I pretended it was you, and it felt good at least" making Bandit snort and laugh. "Fuckin’ thing still won’t turn on, though."
The raccoon finally steps to the kitchen, spotting the twice-dented refrigerator, as well as Radar sipping a glass of mango juice while flexing his toes. "Now that you’ve got that out of your system, what’s the problem? You said it won’t turn on?" He opens the door, finding the inside dark and room temperature. "You set it up and everything?"
Radar rolls his eyes. "What setup is there? I thought I could just open the damned thing and turn it on."
Scoffing softly, Bandit mutters "You're useless, aren't you… Where's the instructions?"
The bat tilts his head softly. "Instructions?"
Slowly closing the door, Bandit looks over at Radar. "The instructions? Should've been in the box?"
With a shrug, Radar responds "I took the thing out of the box in the parking lot and carried it up here. Didn't know there was more in there than the fridge."
Incredulously, the raccoon blinks and shakes his head. "…Are you serious right now? You couldn't be bothered to look?"
The bat retorts indignantly. "Why would I have looked? The box was for a fridge; it didn’t say ‘Fridge and instructions’!"
Bandit facepalms and mutters "You impossible fool… Somehow I imagine the box did in fact say something along those lines." Taking a deep breath, he groans. "Look, the trash hasn’t been collected yet; the box should still be there. I’m going to go take a look." Shaking his head again in sheer disappointment, the raccoon steps out into the hall and calls an elevator, riding it down to the ground floor.
Radar peeks out from his window as Bandit heads around to the dumpsters, finding the mangled remains of the refrigerator box in a loose pile. He sifts through a few pieces, pausing to take a picture of one of them – Radar's phone buzzes a moment later, and checking it, he sees a picture of a fragment of the box marked Instructions included inside. Radar responds with a picture of himself giving the middle finger, to which Bandit looks back up at the apartments and flashes his own middle finger back at the bat. But after going through the pile, and then double-checking it, he stands up and takes out his phone again, before Radar's buzzes with an incoming call from the raccoon.
"What is it?" he asks upon answering the call. "Told you it's not there."
Bandit sighs. "Well I mean, you absolutely massacred the box for some reason, so it could have blown away or something."
"No, I’d have seen it." Radar responds.
"Whatever…" mutters the raccoon, before asking "You’re sure it wasn’t, like, inside the refrigerator?"
The bat shakes his head. "Nah, there wasn't anything in there."
Bandit sighs softly. "Alright, I'll go see if the shop has a spare; I'll be-" He pauses, having a thought, softly asking "You're absolutely sure there was nothing else inside the refrigerator?"
Radar rolls his eyes. "Nothing. Just some weird book to read. I threw it away."
Taking a deep breath and rubbing his temple, Bandit quietly asks "Radar… What, by chance, was this book titled?"
"Hang on, I gotta dig it out of the bin…" The bat rummages through his trash, eventually finding the book in question. "Just some nonsense – 'Chillkeeper RF1020 Instruction Manual'- Ohhh…"
Over the phone, Radar hears a THUNK… THUNK… THUNK… and peeking outside, he sees Bandit exasperatedly banging his head on the side of the dumpster, before the raccoon speaks in a quiet voice full of seething rage. "Please… Explain to me… What the fuck did you think that was for?"
Shrugging softly, Radar replies "I dunno, I didn't look at it; I thought it was like a book to read while the fridge gets cold or something."
Again, there's a pause, before Bandit speaks, his voice shaking. "You thought the refrigerator provided reading material, just for fun?"
"Yeah, I guess?" The bat says nonchalantly, seeming confused by Bandit's anger. "What's your problem?"
This time, there’s a few seconds of silence, before the call disconnects. A moment later, Radar hears a distant THUNK followed by a shouted "Fuck!" and Bandit hopping on one paw after kicking the dumpster in frustration.
Smirking a little, Radar calls out the window to the raccoon "Did that help?"
Bandit yells back up to the bat’s seventh-floor apartment "Oh, go fuck yourself you great fucking numbskull!"
Snickering to himself, Radar watches as Bandit eventually settles down and takes a joint from his pocket, lighting the end and having a smoke to calm down. His medicinal blend is certainly helping the raccoon settle, and after barely a minute, he seems more or less back to normal – He even blows a few smoke rings! Grinning, he aims one upwards, and Radar watches it rise past the second-floor windows, then the third, fourth, fifth, and sixth – Before it takes a sudden turn to paff on his muzzle, making the bat sneeze! When he finishes his smoke, Bandit puts out the end and tosses it into the dumpster, then he heads inside. A bit later, Radar hears the elevator ding, and he opens the door to let the raccoon back inside.
With both of them in a calmer mood, Bandit takes the instruction manual and flips through it, looking for basic troubleshooting help. "Alright, let me have a look at this…"
He double-checks the few switches and the temperature dials, and finding nothing wrong with them, he tells Radar "I need a plus-head screwdriver to get to the control panel."
Radar rummages through a drawer, then another drawer, muttering "Fuckin'…" before he eventually hands over a screwdriver.
Bandit takes it, but as he's about to use it, he pauses and looks at the bat. "I said I needed a plus-head; this is a flathead."
The bat tilts his head, before nodding. "Oh, that’s the one that looks like a plus, right?"
Blinking for a second, Bandit replies "…Yes, that's why it's called a plus-head."
"Gotcha." The bat again searches through his drawers, muttering more profanities, before eventually handing over another screwdriver.
"Radar… This is another flathead."
The bat tilts his head. "Is it?"
Sighing, Bandit stands up and sets the manual on the countertop. "Do me a favor and draw a plus sign, okay?"
Radar does so, drawing a horizontal line bisected with a vertical line.
"That’s a plus sign." Bandit looks at Radar. "I need a screwdriver that looks like that on the end."
Radar nods, saying "Ahh, why didn't you just say that?" before going back into the drawers.
Blinking softly, Bandit just stands by, shaking his head softly at the bat’s cluelessness.
Radar grows ever more irritated as he digs through his drawers, until Bandit spots something and points it out. "Radar, what's that one there?"
The bat picks up the screwdriver. "No good, it's a fuckin' times-head."
"A… What?" Bandit asks incredulously.
The bat rolls his eyes. "It's a times-head. It looks like a times sign, look."
Bandit looks slowly from the plus-head screwdriver, up to Radar, then back down to the screwdriver, then back up to Radar again. "…Rotate it a little to the right in your hand, Radar."
Radar does so, muttering "I don't know what you're-" before pausing once he gets it an eighth of a rotation. He looks down to the drawn plus sign, then up to the screwdriver. "Ohhh… Times-heads are actually plus-heads? I never knew that."
The raccoon facepalms, shaking his head. "…I wonder about you, sometimes…"
Taking the screwdriver, Bandit crouches down and carefully removes the plate for the control panel, making sure the screws don't roll away. Shining a light, he carefully pokes a few wires, consulting the manual to make sure everything is hooked up properly. "Huh… I don't get why it isn't working. Check the wires around back, okay?"
Radar squeezes behind the appliance, looking it over. "Right, what wires am I looking for?"
Looking over the manual, Bandit responds "There's a red one, a blue one, and a green one; can you-"
But Radar cuts him off. "I don't see any of them."
The raccoon pauses. "You… Don't? Do you see any wires at all?"
Radar replies "Yeah, just one though."
Bandit tilts his head. "And it's not red, blue, or green?"
The bat confirms. "No, none of them."
"Huh… Maybe they forgot to color-code it?" Bandit looks at the diagram again, before pausing and asking "Radar… What does this wire look like?"
Radar responds "It's black, and it's really long; it goes back and forth across the back of the fridge."
There's an audible smack as Bandit facepalms again, groaning "Radar… That’s the condenser pipe, you idiot."
The bat retorts indignantly. "Look, I don't know anything about fridges!"
Bandit shoots back "You don't know anything about fuckin' anything! Honestly I don't know how you remember to breathe sometimes!"
"Hey, I know how to breathe!" Radar storms around to the front of the refrigerator. "Inhale then outhale!"
The raccoon freezes at this, before very slowly standing up again, looking at Radar in pure disbelief. "Good fucking grief… Have you always been this much of a dipshit or have you just been getting worse?"
"Fuck off, Bandit!" Radar growls. "I’m pissed enough that this fuckin’ useless piece of shit doesn’t work; I don’t need you being a smartass too!"
"Well, maybe things would go better if I wasn't working with a complete fucking moron who can't tell a goddamned plus sign from a straight line!" Bandit gives the refrigerator a kick – Promptly yelping and hopping on one paw as Radar laughs at him.
"Who’s the moron now?" He snarks, getting Bandit to shove the muscular bat to absolutely no effect.
"Gah…" Bandit sighs, flexing his toes as he shakes his head. "Look, I just want to get this thing working so I can go back to my place. Gonna try one more thing, and if it doesn't work, I'm calling Smoky."
Radar's eyes widen. "You know she's busy; she's not gonna-"
"I know, Radar," Bandit interrupts, "but I'm at my wit's end. I'm pissed and tired and just want to be done. I'll deal with her later."
Radar sighs. "Alright, fine. But I'm not taking responsibility when she goes off at you."
The raccoon mutters "Well, you should, idiot…" as he heads to the back of the refrigerator, immediately spotting the three wires he had asked Radar to find. "Look, right here. Red, blue, green. Plain as day."
The bat's eyes narrow. "How the fuck was I supposed to know to look there?"
Bandit, losing his temper, shouts "Because anyone who isn't a brain-dead uneducated fucking imbecile would check the entire back, not give up as soon as they see something that isn't what they're looking for!"
"Oh, you’re really gonna pull the uneducated card on me again?" Radar rounds on Bandit, practically snarling as he yells. "You didn’t technically pass either!"
"I fucking did!" Bandit responds indignantly.
"Not really you didn’t!" The bat retorts. "Hacking the grades and making yourself top of the class doesn’t count!"
Bandit shoots back "It counts more than getting expelled for throwing a desk at the teacher, dickhead!"
Radar again looks like he’s restraining himself from taking a swing at Bandit as he yells "Hey, that motherfucker deserved it! Bastard was gonna… Gonna…" The bat trails off, before snorting and laughing at the memory.
The sudden change in mood makes Bandit pause, his anger fading as he too can't help but laugh along, knowing the story all too well. "Pff… He really was a bastard, wasn't he?"
"Yeah…" Radar chuckles. "It still feels good, heh." Looking down at the raccoon he had just been fighting with, the bat opens his arms. "C'mere, you."
Bandit smiles, hugging Radar warmly. "Love ya, dumbass."
And Radar responds with a pat on his back. "Love you too, smartass."
After taking a moment to hug it out together, the two separate, and Bandit sighs softly. "I'll go ahead and call Smoky, then. Just get this over with."
He takes a deep breath and dials the number to Smoky's garage, the call immediately going to voicemail with a message. "Hey! Y'all've reached Serenity Customs; I'm real busy at the moment but jus' leave a message and I'll get back to ya as soon as I can!"
The raccoon hangs up, not even bothering to leave a message, instead shooting a text to her personal number.
-Smoky, call me as soon as you can please.
He sends it, and gets back an automated reply.
-I'm busy; I'm not receiving texts right now. If your message is urgent, reply "URGENT" to send through your original text.
The raccoon looks up at Radar, then shakes his head and types the requested word before sending it too.
A few seconds later, Bandit's phone buzzes, and he accepts the call, putting Smoky on speaker.
The garage owner speaks in an exhausted, fed-up voice. "What do y'all want? I'm kinda real busy right-"
In the background, Bandit hears a DING! from an incoming email at the garage, which makes Smoky groan. "Fuck’s sake… Look, make it quick."
Bandit sighs. "I'm sorry to bother you; Radar and I are trying to get a refrigerator set up, but it won't-"
Smoky interrupts them. "Did y'all plug it in?"
Bandit blinks. "Of course Radar did!"
The bat, though, responds indignantly. "Me? I thought you did!"
Both males fall silent as they slowly look down. The refrigerator's cord is still tied; secure and safe.
Bandit doesn’t say a word as he uncovers the prongs, unfastens the cord, and plugs it in. Immediately, the refrigerator turns on, the compressor running to cool the inside down.
"Glad I could help." Smoky says as she hangs up the call.
