i often dream of being in the ocean
alone, treading water. an endless horizon
i grab some debris as i find it. a sturdy enough piece lets me rest
these pieces always slip away from me
it's no one's fault. i can't afford to chase them far
i know the only hope of finding land is to travel in a straight line
there are no birds or fish
just an endless volume. an abyss that waits for me to give up
i don't keep track of the time. it would drive me crazy to know
sometimes it's dark and sometimes it's bright
just move, don't stop
i stopped feeling a...long? time ago
my body moves automatically
i don't feel the terror anymore or the hope
they're there. i just don't feel them.
that's why i can think about it rationally
just move until i can't anymore. aim for land
i understand the concept of land. i fantasize about what it's like to stand on it
the opportunities of it
i could...i don't remember. that's fine
i remember boats
i see boats sometimes. they're great
they have people on them. they aren't like me. or..were they? no, the water.
they don't touch the water. right. the terror. they were afraid when they looked down at me.
i don't think about how that makes me feel. but i can tell it does something
i shake more and my vital signs diminish.
maybe i would be afraid too if i were on a boat and i saw someone in the water
it is hard to imagine. something about the boat seems mythical
i choose to approach the boats. sometimes i can grab onto one and get some rest
was i a person? i try to remember how to identify my hands
pretty sure i am. the lack of clear evidence distracts me
the distractions help. they replace the feelings
i don't get hungry or thirsty. those are feelings too
body moves, nothing else matters
i stop moving sometimes. i wake up under the surface
i feel..panic. yes. a failsafe.
but i don't drown or choke. i just come back to the surface
i know i can't really go straight like this but i try anyway
the only times i choke are while i move forward
logically the easier thing to do is sink
i made the decision at the start, though. swim instead of sink. so i move.
i don't remember the start. i just accept it.
most questions offer distracting thoughts, but some invite feelings
how do i talk? i just remembered people talk
did i try using words at the boats?
mouth, tongue, throat. those make words. like..breathing
yes i am breathing. okay. the air passes through a hole that i can move
those are probably a mouth and tongue. the idea of checking makes my vision blur
blurry vision dangerous
i move the air hole as i breathe. there are sounds. i think i made the sound
i think that's what words are
the boat people made different sounds but i think that's just because they are boat people
i can make words now so they will know i am not like the ocean
