0Reading into the distant past, there's a Lot of things one looks back on and just rolls their eyes with a smirk. Sadly enough though, the less-distant past which one would expect would produce the same reaction, turns out to just ring as true in the present. Makes one realize you really can't escape it anymore.
The spilling of a cup of coffee. An awkward silence on a date. Such simple little 9 things that in retrospect were so silly. At the moment, someone else told you you were over reacting. After some years you realize you were. It's all good. 9
But then there's that one letter you wrote that you read back on and it just stings. Because it no longer was an edgy 8 teen trying to get attention, it now was an adult, several years ago, telling you your end as if he had lived it himself. You turn and realize nothing changed, and you stand on the end that was written. The worst feeling is how true it rings, how it was written x years ago but you would write the exact same thing again today without realizing.
One gaslights oneself into believing you're just "trying to be interesting", maybe you're just going through hormonal changes, maybe it's just you twisting everything. It might be, I don't know. At first I found it to be detrimental. Turns out I needed help, alright. Turns out that pain is pain to whoever feels it. But I don't have that luxury anymore, "help", there's just so many care packages to go around, and so much more people that have it worse, right? that's what they said. Who am I to say they're wrong.
Here's the truth; it gets tiring. We were promised something, and yes, we were given. But it was taken again. And then the cycle happened again some dozen times. Would you trust a boy who cried wolf when the danger is really at his door?
What happens after? You saved him once, but now he knows and thus keeps calling to nothingness and pranking you and everyone else. Wouldn't YOU get tired?
Sure the danger was real once, but maybe what you really want is to see that boy destroyed by it. You could even say he called for the wolf himself, maybe that makes the guilt ease down a little.
Imagine living stuck in a machine, a computer that you cannot escape. It doesn't reason, it doesn't feel, it just executes programs. Imagine that if you stop feeding it prompts and code, it just starts corroding , and it makes it YOUR problem. YOU have to fix it, or you die and you take everyone with you.
Wouldn't it reach a point where you just get tired and call for it, "take me, please, it's over"?
Wouldn't that be such a relief?
As the years pas by and you see that you cannot just take a break, because doing so means the computer dies, apathy takes over.
Oh no, but remember I mentioned that everyone else is also taken down if you don't keep coding? Well shit, do it for them, you have to.
I could've written this today, or five years ago, the sentiment would've been the same. Doesn't that say something.
Clicking gears, metal bangs and screeches. It's all so familiar, so distant too. I know the senses decieve, but imagine a decieving mind too, one where you can't trust anything you've said or even the things that you think you are seing. A permanent state of fear, makes one wish you could re write the ending.
I'm a being that had an expiration date, but I somehow stuck around. Knowing this at least assures I won't be as long as everyone else. I outlasted the wrong people, and I hid within this shell for so long, instead of going up there like the others. And I will always blame myself for having stayed.
The fear is not even the worst part. It is the confusion... what code am I supposed to input? What if I'm just crying "wolf"? Will it actually ever end? Can I stop sitting in this bloodstained chair, with wires squeezing my neck, with all these pipes drilling into me... these buttons, these commands, it's just my home. I do not want out of it.
I do want out of my head, though.
Keywords
wolf
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sci fi
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pipes
97
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1 month, 3 weeks ago
23 Sep 2024 08:52 CEST
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