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SWEETMISSION's Gallery (57)

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by SWEETMISSION

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Eli Crilly

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Eli tries not to be selfish.
He understands his mother needs a lot of space.
And frankly what right does he have to complain about that?
His needs are met.
He's fed and has a place to sleep.
He's left to his own devices and allowed to dance or game or draw all he wants.
What kid wouldn't want that?
He doesn't know how to explain the weird feeling he gets from it though.
Like the house is empty even when it's not.
He wants to ask her about it, but she's tired.
That's okay. He should probably ignore it anyway.

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This one was freehanded with no reference so please forgive the design inconsistencies.

Keywords

male 1,194,587, cub 277,098, rabbit 139,310, mother 11,295, lonely 706, neglect 42

Details

Type: Picture/Pinup

Published: 6 months, 4 weeks ago

Rating: General

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11 Comments on this Submission

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ryuuguuin

6 months, 4 weeks ago

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oh, poor poor baby,, i wanna give him a hug ;w;,,

lizord

3 months, 2 weeks ago

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I wonder if he would be happier if he understood. Not immediately, of course not. But in the following years. A fork between two miseries. One in which a person suffers and struggles against factors they don't fully grasp, left to reach for answers in the dark and find only the echoes of abuse that lead them to blame themselves. Another which has a person know exactly what's wrong, and face the realization that they are powerless to escape because the choices that really mattered were always made by others.

I suppose this particular child does have larger troubles than simple neglect, but still I wonder.

SWEETMISSION

3 months, 2 weeks ago

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@ lizord

I do have an established canon for how he goes on to feel about her but if the mystery is more valuable I'll save it for when I feel like drawing it.

lizord

3 months, 2 weeks ago

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@ SWEETMISSION

I appreciate the consideration over the value of mystery, but I did share the thoughts in hopes of seeing your own. So please feel free to share.

SWEETMISSION

3 months, 2 weeks ago

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Edited 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Owner

@ lizord

In canon, Eli's mom dies just as he turns 13 and he's put in the care of his dad. His feelings regarding her are complicated for years, fluctuating equally between sympathy and outright hate. He eventually comes to accept that while she wasn't fit to be a mother, she had a myriad of her own problems and was repeatedly failed by systems that should have helped her. While he has his regrets over how his childhood with her went, he's come to peace and doesn't hold any grudge.

He also realizes that he could be an inconsiderate and shitty kid, at times, though in his position it was hard not to be, given someone his age wouldn't really know how fix their situation.

lizord

3 months, 2 weeks ago

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@ SWEETMISSION

I can't help but take this as an indicator of a relatively happy ending for the boy. It sounds like he might get better on his nightmares as well, if he can figure that much out - err, in my experience, it helps with nightmares to understand the people who caused them, to the point of being able to sympathize with them.

Could you provide a little more insight into how you make such writing decisions? I think I understand the cathartic element at play, but is it more a matter of deciding some path makes more sense to you, or is it along those same emotional lines where you try to indulge those...I can't really describe how catharsis works, but the mechanisms that drive it? More briefly: does your character's life follow what should happen or what must happen?

(I get a lot more out of understanding the artist than being content with examining the art, so you'll see me pry.)

SWEETMISSION

3 months, 2 weeks ago

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Edited 3 months, 2 weeks ago by Owner

@ lizord

I appreciate the intrigue! But it's hard to say really. I do put a lot of thought into the histories of my characters, but Eli is a sona' and a lot of the art I draw of him is from direct life experience, albeit through the lens of hindsight and years of reflection.

You're right about the catharsis part. I don't really understand it myself but everything I've drawn with him has been very therapeutic. It's an old adage that creators enjoy putting their characters through misery, which I get, even though I hate misery for misery's sake. I think it's a combination of both being able to think of events in my life through new perspectives by visualizing them and knowing that he'll be okay in the end making me want to root for him through it. You're right in that he does grow up to be happy, and to be honest that's because I grew up to be happy, despite it all.

As for how I choose what to depict...that's even harder to answer cause despite the thought I put into the character and universe and all, my actual art process is very spontaneous. I'll think about things constantly, but only every so often get the immediate urge to get it onto paper (and even then it's a crapshoot if it goes through. There have been lots of times I've tried to draw him, gotten too frustrated, and given up). There will be times I'll think, "I can't stop thinking about this fucked up thing, maybe drawing Eli will help", other times I'll think, "it's not like there weren't good times, I should be nice and throw him a bone", as if he is just a fictional character and not an artistic extension of myself. Of course at the end of the day he is, but there will always be that question of if I'm drawing it because I think he deserves better or am I drawing it because I think I deserved better?

Sorry to ramble (and if this didn't really answer your question?). I do have deep internal feelings about art, but it's difficult to actually express in words. I'm used to feeling over actually thinking. I do things simply because I want to and rarely do I think about why. And the things I do are always in flux. I've gone through dozens of fursonas. I get into new hobbies and lose interest in a week. I adapt to new surroundings or changes in life fast. I don't think too deeply about things because until fairly recently, my future's always been uncertain. I've never planned for it because I've never been sure if it will even come. If tomorrow's not guaranteed, I'll do what I want in the exact moment I want to do it.

And I think that translates to the art itself. Even through just what I've drawn of Eli so far there's like 10 different art styles because consistency's a foreign word to me. He's drawn from life but there will always be things about him that change. I may have ideas now that I want to draw in the future, but those are likely to be different by the time I want to draw them.

So, I'm sorry, but I don't think there's a way I can truly articulate why I've drawn the specific events I have.

lizord

3 months, 2 weeks ago

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@ SWEETMISSION

Haha, I wouldn't say "rambling", as I consider it more expression to enjoy.  This is more informative than a concise response to me, precisely because you attempted to reach an answer you didn't have prepared.  Not sure you realize how rare it is to get such a response, but all I can really say is thanks - followed by maybe you're too kind in feeding a wandering predator.  Though I guess I thought you might be agreeable to sharing based off of what you've said in your submissions.

I did get the strong impression that this character was borrowing a lot of your own life, but I thought it would be poor manners to ask directly.  Now that you've confirmed it, though, I have to remark on..how should I put this...you seem extremely accepting of the different kinds of enjoyment that your audience receives.  I am more accustomed to seeing artists who share such personal things get deeply troubled if their work is enjoyed in ways they don't approve of.  I have to take it as a sign that you've managed to come to terms with whatever misery you've faced yourself - enough to not be sore over some poking, anyway.  Perhaps it's related to your recently acquired certainty, or the happiness you've managed to claim.  I have often heard traumatic environments sort of come into a kid's head as chaos, and that it's very difficult to break free of that mindset - though I would usually just toss out a "this is what c-ptsd is" and walk off.  I also have to say I'm a little surprised to hear you say that you're happy.  I always had the impression that misery made artists produce better art, so I guess I was making an assumption about your general emotional state.  I may have to re-evaluate.

Looking over your gallery again, I can't spot 10 distinct styles since my eye isn't up to that, but I can see about 6.  I hadn't really thought of what it might mean.  You rely on impulse and feeling to draw, so it makes sense I think?  Though my impression is that most artists lean into one or two styles.  If you can do more, that probably just opens more doors for you to express different things.  But I could be wrong; drawing has always been a little mysterious to me.  I'm struggling to understand the broader concept of art and self expression so it may just be too soon for me to figure it out.  I lean into thinking too much and having too little action or feeling.  And to be frank, I try to learn about this sort of stuff for self-therapeutic purposes (well, that's the rational motive anyway).  The idea of catharsis is alluring as well, as I can't say I've ever experienced the feeling.  I should stop that train of thought.

One more thing about that question, just to make sure I'm reading it right - though now the topic has shifted into a new question.  You mention that there are times where you try to draw, but get frustrated and give up on that particular drawing.  That makes sense on its own.  You also say that you will sometimes get a "fucked up thing" stuck in your head, and decide to draw it - presumably to get it out of your head, though the exact mechanism is unknown to me.  This also makes enough sense on its own.  What happens when you have such an idea stuck in your head, but you are unable to get the drawing to come out well enough to finish it?  Does the idea simply fester or do you manage to shift focus to escape it (or both)?

SWEETMISSION

3 months, 2 weeks ago

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@ lizord

With the "having a fucked up idea" thing I moreso meant I have an idea that I think would make for interesting art, not always so much that I need to get it out for venting purposes. That does happen sometimes but it's not always the reason I draw.

When I get into that mindset with constant bad thoughts I prefer to be alone and just wait it out. The reason dreams are such a prevalent topic in my work is because mine greatly affect me. They're rarely good but even when they're not outright bad, they still leave me feeling drained/on edge at best and outright derealized at worst. And that's not to say all the times I've suffered sleep paralysis (one of which was so bad I was convinced I'd suffered ego death cause I immediately stopped being able to identify with a previous sona).

As for the audience, yeah I'm all for any type of enjoyment of art. I have my reasons for drawing it but I wouldn't post it if I didn't want people to enjoy it, why should I care the reason?

lizord

3 months, 1 week ago

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@ SWEETMISSION

I see, thanks. Somehow I thought you knew a solution for something like the isolating urges or negative spirals. Hopefully the self expression helps for most of the struggles. I will adjust my expectations, but still see art as a fine medicine.

The dreams thing has always intrigued me, but I don't believe I can ask the right question to learn about it yet. I'm more used to nightmares bringing an aching comfort, and only truly felt distressing pain when I dreamt of being happy. I will pay attention, anyway - maybe I can learn something from what you depict. Hah, actually that may be why I can enjoy some of this the way I do. I wonder if others see it similarly. I feel the urge to apologize for enjoying, but I guess that'd be silly to do now.

SWEETMISSION

3 months, 1 week ago

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@ lizord

No need to apologize! It's rare I get to talk about my process and it makes my day when someone's interested. :)

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