A bit cleaner than the last one, but trying to keep the charm, you know?
What does one do, saying you've 'become' something implies you weren't it before. Thankfully I really can't say I've become a liar, but there are other things for which it's very convenient that things are as I just mentioned, because it means I haven't done anything out of the ordinary.
I am not in a spot I haven't been in before. It's up to everyone else to say whether that's a good or a bad thing. You can only say things are now back to the way they were before so many times before it becomes irrelevant. Paradoxical, even. Same as when? a couple weeks? some years? A completely different thread, of them tendrils that crawl around? What if they come back to that one spot where you said they were going back to a previous one?
Man, it's messy, naturally the best thing to do is not say anything.
But even after you shut up, and trust me you know this one, the worst part of the entire process is the shame that comes after. What have I said, what have I done, could've, would've, should've. If we look only at the things you said before and what you actually did, man it hurts, doesn't it?
You acted wrong, you didn't think things through, you didn't consider what someone else would feel or how it would hurt in the long run, and then the shame hits you like a truck.
Of course, this people say it's all fine, that you would've done the same, or even that they forgive you. But neither ever forgets, and you know they haven't.
In the end the only person it actually hurts over time is yourself.
I've found true, that life really slaps you with a circumstance that shows you how blind you were, that force feeds you a lesson, when you were so convinced and unnmoving in a false view. The good ol' poious priest that has their kids turn satanist metalheads.
I thought that by not believing anything I would shield myself from such things, but turns out that instead, everything became a slap of reality, turns out there are things you should believe.
The funniest thing is though, that I couldn't even tell if the metaphorical slap was something I did myself, a message I was desperately trying to find where there was none, or actually a life lesson I should've paid attention to. Or perhaps even something my mind made up to comfort me. What's really the point of seeking truth, if we're all seeing what we want to anyway. You reach a point where you sincerely start wondering if it matters at all; cat's alive, cat's dead, both at the same time, does it really matter?
...I suppose, if the cat is out to kill you.
hm, what if you are convinced it's out to kill you, so you just shoot at the box to make sure. You just took a life because you lied to yourself enough...
Clearly, I don't know. The only lives worth taking are the ones that have forfeit their humanity. If we talk people, that is. In any case, this kind of went on a tangent, lets get back on track.
The shame, I was talking about. Sometimes you can ask for forgiveness, and you'll get it. It doesn't make you feel much better though, you'll lay in bed some weeks after and think about how big of an asshole you were, and how grateful you are for the wonderful people in your life that are ready and willing to pat you in the back and look past it. But no one will ever torment you like yourself, ever.
I used to be the kind of person that believed that words could never hurt me, but then life did it's thing.
I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the cynical, careless, "emotionless" little guy that wasn't afraid to throw his life away or flat out end it. I've become a weak, broken mess. If you let me indulge a little bit, not all of it was my own doing. Oh right, others have it so much worse...sorry, I forgot.
I suppose there's things one can do. A drawing, a little story, laying out your feelings so people out there can read, and maybe even relate to it. I dunno. Meaningless as everything else.
But oh wait...something being meaningless, by itself, doesn't make it bad. or wrong. Why must everything have a bigger reason? Sometimes you do things just because you want and you can. I know I should handle things like that a bit more myself.
A lot of the things you want to do, you just can't. Some others you could clearly do, but flat out don't want to. The moment we start thinking of the 'meaning' of our actions, we get stuck in loops, we walk threads that shouldn't be there. Just think about how different people within the same culture think, now think about the larger world, now think about, I dunno, aliens.
Clearly there is no one answer, clearly there is no right or wrong. Even the ones I'd tell are just my interpretation...what this little machine of mine has come up with after staring a bit too much at that ocean.
I miss the breeze, the humidity and silence...I close my eyes and feel it, but I still miss it.
I can't wait.
I haven't done things right as of recent. I've graduated from disappointing my family, to my friends, to complete strangers that expected very little of me. But that's ok, I can't say I've become a disappointment.
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4 months ago
17 Jul 2024 10:28 CEST
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