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XPAuthor
XPAuthor's Scraps (6)

Vent Story - Intrusive Thoughts
intrusive_thoughts.doc
Keywords male 1165480, female 1053957, rat 22775, no sex 1211, depression 1061, arguing 229, insulting 67, suicidal thoughts 11, overreaction 5, heavy themes 5, intrusive thoughts 5, im fine 3, belitting 1
Intrusive Thoughts

By XP Author


Aric let out a heavy sigh, closing the document without saving any of the work. Not that anything of value was lost. It was his fourth attempt of the night to try and start a story, and just like all the others, he concluded quickly that it was absolute shit. This after already having already failed to get any amount of sleep. He contemplated just playing some video games for a while until his eyes got tired enough, but after staring at the list of games, he just wasn't feeling any of them. With another sigh, he just slammed the laptop shut, though not so hard that it would break. It was not like he could afford a new one. Propping his elbows on the desk, the brown rat just put his head in his hands. "I swear I used to be good at this."

"But were you really?" The familiar voice spoke behind him, so much like his own but darker, more bitter and spiteful. A hand rested on his shoulder, cold and almost wet feeling. He did not have to look to know it belonged to the inky black rat-shaped mass of darkness and doubt he called Xavier. "You've looked at your old stories. They're all crap."

He shook his head. "Not all of them. I still think some are good."

"Good... maybe. But you know they could be better." The voice was closer, hissing in his ear. "You still find those mistakes. Spelling, grammar, inconsistencies. Do you really think it's good enough to publish?"

Aric just scoffed. "Published. Right."

"True. No one is going to publish a book by some sicko that writes bad snuff porn." The coldness from the touch seemed to seep into him. Not physically, but he still felt it creeping deeper. "Especially from someone who is only a half step above your average high schooler's fan fiction at best." Aric just grunted, peering through his fingers at the laptop in front of him. He was filled with the urge to just chuck the thing out the window. Or himself, following his computer down the seven floor drop to the pavement. Of course, he didn't do either. "Why not?" Xavier knew what he was thinking. Of course he did. He was the one that suggested it.

"You know why. Because it'll upset people." He glanced to the side at the black rat-thing.

Xavier gave an unfriendly smile. "Upset who, exactly?"

He sighed again. He had had this conversation before. "My mother, for one. I would never make her have to go through that. And my friends-"

"Friends?" The voice interrupted, a note of sarcastic laughter to it now. "You mean the people that are slightly less annoyed by you than others? The people who have no idea the kinds of things you're into?" Aric went quiet. "Do you really think any of these people would still be your friend if they knew you got hard thinking about dead people? Would they still want to hang out if they knew you jerked off to snuff pictures? Or just the incest fetish? I'm sure your sisters would love to know that one." The mocking laughter was there again. "Of course, they don't even remember you exist anymore, do they? Wisely never became a part of your life. Probably for the best. You would have tried to rape them by now."

He grit his teeth. "No I wouldn't, and you know it!"

"Of course I do. You're terrible at sex." The touch was somehow on his thigh now. "Can't last more than a few minutes. But I know why you think you wouldn't go raping someone." It scoffed. "It's a wonder that cow-titted pegasus even bothered with you. It's no wonder she never came back."

He turned to glare at the shadow. "I ditched her!"

Another scoff. "Yes. You let her have her way with you. Multiple times. Then she went and drank all the booze you refused to enjoy. Only when she was literally so drunk that she pissed herself did you decide to leave. But only after you let her use you again, right? Very manly." The black face was close to his. "You know you enjoyed it."

"No. I didn't."

Xavier laughed again. "Oh yes you did! You came every time! You liked having that slut use you for her play thing. You only decided years later that she raped you." Aric was quiet again. "Now look at you. Pushing 40 and you have nothing to show for it. You've been all by yourself for over ten years. You can't even muster the effort to leave your house anymore. And to cap it all off, you're so pathetic that the only girl you can get with is one that only exists in your head!"

"SHUT UP!" He slammed his hands on the desk, raising to his feet as he shouted. He blinked as he realized he was glaring at an empty wall.

"And now you're arguing with your imaginary friend." The voice was behind him again. "And losing. How pathetic can you be? You can't even win an argument with yourself. So go on. The window is right there. It would be a fun ride, then a quick end. No more loneliness. No more being nothing but a burden on people."

He sank back down into his seat, shaking his head. "No. I can't. I won't."

"Still hung up on those 'friends' you mentioned?" Xavier was close again, once more hissing into his ear. "You've pushed most of them away. You destroyed your friendship with how many with that rant in the server a few weeks ago? You burned that bridge. There is no getting all of them back. The rest you've kept the others at arm's length. They'll only be sad for a few days, then they'll go back to their memes, distracted by something else. You don't mean anything to them."

He shook his head again. "I still won't do it."

"Not while you're mother's alive." Xavier finished the thought. "You're only real support, right? She's not getting any younger. Some day, she won't be there anymore. You won't have her to rely on anymore. Then what? You can't hold a job. You make a few hundred dollars every few months at best. You'll be living on the street within weeks at best. Then what?"

"I... I don't know."

"Of course you don't. You have no plans. You have no future." Xavier's voice was almost soothing. "Just end it now while you have whatever scraps of dignity remaining."

"You need to stop talking." The new voice spoke up, distinctly feminine, and definitely angry. It belonged to the gorgeous white rat he called Jena.

"And here comes your fantasy slut to defend you."

"Says the bitter shadow that wants to die?" She shook her head. Aric knew she turned to face him, despite not seeing her directly. People that lived only in your head had a funny way of always letting you know what they were doing like that. "You need to ignore him. He may bring up some good points..."

"Some?"

"But...!" She continued past the interruption. "His conclusions are not right. You're not pathetic. You're just... in a slump."

"A slump?" The shadow asked with its usual mocking tone as it started to pace around. "His life has completely fallen apart! That's hardly a slump! It's a total train wreck!"

Jena sighed. "Life happens. It's not fair, but you just need to keep going. Giving up isn't the solution."

"Oh, but he has tried. Agian and again. And every time, it ends in failure." The shadow started ticking off on his finger. "Dropped out of school. Dropped out of college. Couldn't keep a job for more than 4 months at a time. Went and started a fancy new career, only to work for shit employers who fired you anyway. Started your own business, only for it to fail anyway. But not before you went and destroyed your body, leaving you with muscle, joint, and nerve issues. Great job on that one, because that fucked up doing any other job properly." He continued. "Tried to stream but never got more than 5 people watching. In 4 years. And now he's gone and started writing, only he can't keep to a schedule, can't keep his quality consistent, and sure as hell can't finish commissions in a reasonable time. How long have you been working on that one? 6 months now?"

"...7." Was his only response.

"Over half a year! And you constantly fall behind on those monthly ones you're supposed to do. It's no wonder so many aren't renewing their subscriptions."

Jena stepped closer, blocking the way between the shadow and Aric. "Look, I know you're having a bit of a hard time right now. Writer's block happens to all authors."

"I'm not an author." Aric corrected. "Just a writer. I haven't been published."

Xavier chimed in. "Then why do you call yourself-"

Jena cut him off. "Okay, but all writers also go through it. You've gone through it before, and you've come out the other end. And you've got people that like your stuff!" She smiled at him. "All those people that praise your writing."

The shadow offered a counter argument. "Just being nice and hoping to get something free."

She continued. "People that look forward to when you publish something. And whenever you say you need to take a break, your followers are very understanding."

"Most of them are just saying platitudes they don't actually believe. They're annoyed he's delaying and complaining again."

"Not all of them!" She frowned. "Most are probably genuine about it! And you do have people that subscribe to you."

"Less and less each month."

"For their own, unrelated issues. They have their own lives!" She shook her head. "And you have people that care. You have friends that talk to you. And even some that would probably not mind being more. Like that cute rat you were talking to. What ever happened with her?"

Xavier laughed. "He fucked it up, of course. It's what he does. He's too boring for someone like her to be interested in, and he made sure to let her know how much of a fuck up he is."

She sighed. "You shouldn't do that. Yes, be honest, but don't keep pushing people away. That's not going to help you. You know that." Her hand rested on his wrist gently. "You need to stop being so harsh on yourself all the time. You're not as bad as you think. You're smart, you're not bad looking-"

The shadow burst out laughing. "This fat ass? Only a fantasy bimbo like you could think he was good looking!"

"And I'm sure others would, too!" She continued. "You just need to be more confident in yourself. You know you're writing is good! You have skills! You've trained, you've practiced, you've put a lot of effort into it!"

"And what does he have to show for it? A few bucks a month and more grey hair?" Xavier started pacing again. "Can't get himself published, because he's known as a snuff porn writer. No publisher in the world would sign on a writer with your background. You're fucked on that one."

"Could self publish."

"Oh yeah, because that's the smartest choice out there. Self-published books always make bank, right?" Xavier scoffed. "It's an investment he doesn't have the money to even try anyway. So that wonderful book idea you keep saying you'll eventually write but haven't even started? Yeah, just delete the notes. It'll never see the light of day and you know it."

"It still could sell! There is nothing risked in trying anyway!" Jena took a breath, about to start another bout of arguments.

Aric slammed his hands on the desk again. "ENOUGH!" He shouted, rising to his feet. "Enough... just... shut up. Both of you." He rubbed his eyes, which did nothing to ease the burning feeling of fatigue. "I don't want to hear any more. Just... shut up for a while."

Jena reached out to touch him again. "But-"

He shrugged her off, waving a hand through where she stood. "No. No buts. No more from either of you. Please..." He closed his eyes as he let out a heavy sigh. "I'm tired... I'm just... tired. I'm so tired of always being tired. I'm just... going to bed." When he opened his eyes again, he was in the room alone. He always had been, but now the two he had been arguing with were no longer there. They would be back, of course. They always came back. They were the voices he listened to, and the ones that were always there.

For now, he just started to drag himself towards his bedroom. He collapsed onto his bed, fatigue already trying to drag him to sleep. He welcomed it, the reprieve from listening to himself. And yet, before the nothingness of sleep claimed him, he heard Xavier's voice one more time. "You know you'll regret posting this." He was probably right.

*     *     *
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
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Thursday Prompt - The Importance of Water
First Contact
So as the title states, this is a vent story. One I'm probably going to regret posting the moment I hit the button. And yet I've posted it everywhere. Guess it might give a few of you some insights into my self image issues. It's got some pretty heavy stuff in it that I've been going through, slightly dramatized, of course. As this is a vent story, I didn't do any kind of editing, so it's probably loaded with mistakes. I wouldn't blame anyone for not reading it.

Those that do read this, please know that nothing in here is an attack AT anyone, other than myself and the overreactive and overly negative thoughts that invade my brain at times. You have all been great to me, and thank you for that. I'm okay, not going through a crisis or the like, but this has all still been an argument I've had with myself. Yes, even the part about the pegasus. That... is a very real thing I've been arguing with myself about for years.

Once more to make sure it's clear. I am not suicidal. The thoughts have arisen in the past, of course, but I'm not there. It is a step I am unwilling to ever take. It's just intrusive thoughts. Because the brain says 'You're having too much fun. Stop it. You know you don't deserve that.'
Keywords
male 1,165,480, female 1,053,957, rat 22,775, no sex 1,211, depression 1,061, arguing 229, insulting 67, suicidal thoughts 11, overreaction 5, heavy themes 5, intrusive thoughts 5, im fine 3, belitting 1
Details
Type: Writing - Document
Published: 1 year, 4 months ago
Rating: Mature
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6 Comments on this Submission
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SatyrWorkshop
SatyrWorkshop
1 year, 4 months ago
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This was deeply personal and I'm glad to have read it. Proud of you for being vulnerable and brave to share. Good luck with your struggles
XPAuthor
XPAuthor
1 year, 4 months ago
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don't know if it's brave or not, was just supposed to help work through some of these issues. It didn't.
SatyrWorkshop
SatyrWorkshop
1 year, 4 months ago
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Well, I appreciate you trying. It shows something
TiBunnyTwins
TiBunnyTwins
1 year, 4 months ago
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Oh, hey, depression... I know that feeling. I'm getting sick therapy next month for it. :/

I hope you can find something to help. It's hard. Drugs never work right, and when it starts going wrong it goes fully to hell. I don't bother even trying to plan for the future because I don't think I'm going to be around in 10 years. I just try to push through every day in the hopes a miracle happens.
XPAuthor
XPAuthor
1 year, 4 months ago
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Yeah. I have a stupid resistance to medication of any sort, so they probably wouldn't do much. not that I can afford it anyway. I've also given up on planning for most anything more than a month ahead of time if I can at all avoid it. I just wish I knew how to swing back to manic on command. Even if I'm intolerable to be around, I'm at least productive.

I've done therapy before. It can help, but it can also be utter bullshit. I hope it works out for you.
TiBunnyTwins
TiBunnyTwins
1 year, 4 months ago
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That was supposed to be "shock therapy" not "sick" fuckin phone keyboard...

Yeah, the way the system is set up, "I can't afford to find a way to save my own life" is a disgustingly common problem. Voting changes nothing because we don't get any real choices. It's like the world shit on us with a defective brain, the people in charge refuse to make it possible to get better, and then tell us we should feel bad for thinking about the only option we have left. I have insurance, thankfully, but I'm still going to have to spend $800 for the shock therapy, which I'm going to have to get a loan to cover because they require it up front.
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