(The drawing of Bandit is a commission I got from Caligstuff, the other three drawings are by me.)
I made this sort of “map of myself”, showing all the different parts of myself personified as characters:
I do believe Curio and Sherbet are more than just parts of myself, I believe that there is some kind of collective subconscious that they are able to influence, and be influenced by. The most noteworthy example of when they did that, was when they inspired the creators of Guardians of the Galaxy 3 to include symbology in their film that was personally meaningful and emotionally impactful to me, in order to give me a potent and reliable PTSD trigger I could use as a tool to process my previously inaccessible traumatic memories, as well as in order to give me a message about how I needed to start arguing back against my Inner Critic, and start allow myself to explore the positive sides of my shadow (e.g. feeling proud of my positive traits, putting my own needs first, and not taking personal responsibility for others’ lives and emotions.)
But even though Curio and Sherbet are more than just parts of myself, they are still parts of myself. They exist within me, they are me, equally as much as any other part of me. They’re not separate from me in any kind of way. They just happen to extend beyond me, is all.
This diagram is probably the single most important diagram for understanding my current worldview, and understanding the narrative I’m telling to myself about why my day to day life is meaningful and what my purpose is.
Although I don’t have all the details, in fact, I am probably incapable of ever comprehending all the details, I think I understand the broad strokes of what I am meant to do with my life:
At the moment, Buddy is the part of myself that I consciously embody in day to day life, while Bandit, Sherbet and Curio are the parts of myself that exist in my subconscious, parts which I do not currently express outwardly. My job is to integrate Bandit, Sherbet, and Curio into myself. My job is to recognise their traits within myself, and express and embody them in my day to day life in a controlled but authentic way. My job is to become my whole self, basically. My job is to make the unconscious parts of myself conscious, to fully unify and actualise myself.
And it is my job to do this, because me becoming whole is in some way beneficial to the collective consciousness of all of existence. I don’t understand how, exactly, but I have the strong sense that it is. That somehow, my becoming whole would make the world a better place, and would serve a greater force of good.
That’s all very abstract, so here’s what it means in practice:
Before anything else, I have to integrate Bandit. At the moment, I am largely blocked off from embodying Sherbet, because of my refusal to embody Bandit. That is what that scene from Guardians was telling me. The villain, who personified Bandit, killing the otter, who personified Sherbet, symbolised the way that Sherbet is being separated from my conscious self by Bandit. I must become one with Bandit, in order to gain access to Sherbet.
What that means, is that I must be more prideful, which sounds bad, but what it actually means is that I have to be proud of my positive qualities, and proud of my achievements (e.g. my drawings and contributions to music theory).
It also means that I must be more callous - again, sounds bad, but actually it’s good - when I see a news report or Facebook ad about animal abuse or poverty, I need to NOT feel the victims’ pain as if it’s my own. I need to NOT take personal responsibility for all of the world’s problems. I need to be able to say “those people and animals are not me, and me feeling their pain as if it’s my own DOES NOT help them, so I’m not gonna do it.”
And it also means that I must be more selfish. What that means is putting my own needs first. For example, if my disability worker has a perfume smell, I should not pretend like nothing’s wrong and suffer through sensory pain in order to spare their feelings. I should say “you have a perfume smell, I can’t go on a walk with you today”. I need to stand up for myself and politely but firmly ensure my own comfort.
I must do that. And if I do that, then my self-worth will improve, and I will gain access to the happiness, the carefreeness, and the playfulness that Sherbet represents to me. I will get to, in my day to day life, embody the qualities that pull her so magnetically towards her. All the things that captivate me about otters? *I* can be all those things! I can basically *be* an otter, I can be playful, and carefree, and happy. But in order to be that, I first must integrate Bandit. I first must start being more prideful, more callous and more selfish.
I was given that message loud and clear, and that, I believe, is my purpose.
If Sherbet and Curio are the closest thing to Jesus, in my worldview, though, then there must be an equivalent of the Devil. There must be a villain, opposing the greater good. Opposing unity. And there is: The Inner Critic.
You may be familiar with the “superego” described by Freud. Jung believed the superego is actually not a natural part of the human psyche. Instead, the superego is learned. It is an introjection. It is a complex (a pattern of repetitive thoughts, feelings and behaviours) which is planted into our heads by the adults around us as we’re growing up. The existence of the superego complex inside of most peoples’ heads is something of a psychological epidemic. Modern Western people are preoccupied with morality to a pathological degree, to the point where many of us develop self hatred, shame, depression, anxiety, and OCD. These are not natural parts of the human condition, these are maladies caused by our cultural environment.
I have personified this sickness, this superego, as my Inner Critic. It is the part of myself responsible for thoughts like “my sexuality is disgusting and creepy”, “my characters and my artworks are disgusting and creepy”, “I am a bad friend”, “I am a bad son”, “remember all these bad things I said to other people throughout my life: that proves I’m a horrible evil person”, “I am going to be punished in hell after death for my beliefs”. It hates Bandit and Sherbet, absolutely hates them, and it is actively trying to stop me integrating them. It is trying to paint them as evil and corrupting, and trying to paint itself as the voice of morality and safety. My job is to not believe it. My job is to argue back against every thought the Inner Critic gives me, and refuse to cave to his shame and self-hatred any longer.
And so, that’s it. That’s the board, and all those pieces are in place. Now the game has begun.
With the support of Sherbet, Curio, and (reluctant as I am to admit it 🤣) Bandit, I’m determined to win.
Keywords
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female
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dragon
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otter
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chart
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wizard hat
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diagram
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complex
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psychology
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jung
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freud
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archetypes
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Published:
2 years, 6 months ago
20 Jun 2023 04:44 CEST
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