“No, I—no, it’s fine. Thank you for telling me. No, I… yes, I would. Thank you. I will. Goodbye.”
He hung up the phone and stared at the name on the caller ID. For his whole life, it was a place of misery, a place of bliss, a place of home. Now… it suddenly felt so alien. So distant. He set his phone down and leaned forward, his hands wrapped around his kneecaps. He knew this was coming. He had known for a long time. He thought he was ready. But he was wrong. He was so, so wrong.
Lairo picked up his phone and looked at the caller ID again. West Postern Temple of Our Lord. There were only two constants over his whole life—his father, and the temple. It was where he grew up. It was where he was married. It was where he signed the papers to adopt his son. It was where his mother was buried.
And now it was where his father would be laid to rest.
He dropped his phone on the couch and buried his head in his hands, his talons scraping through his crest. Dad was gone. He was gone. It didn’t seem real. It couldn’t be real. Dad was always there. He would always be there. They were talking just yesterday. He didn’t seem to be doing too well, but he hadn’t been doing well for a long time. What had changed? Why now? Everything was going so well. Lairo had just gotten a promotion at work. His son found a wonderful boyfriend and finally seemed to find his happiness. And his husband… his husband was still perfect, always there to make his life worth living.
But could he live without Dad?
He pushed himself off the couch and paced slowly around the living room. His mind, so full of thoughts and emotions, felt empty. As his talons clicked across the floor, a sheen of glass caught his eye. He backed up and took a close look at it. A picture of himself and Cielan at their wedding over two decades ago, with Dad standing behind them, wearing the biggest smile of the three. They all looked so happy, so vibrant, so full of life. He plodded over to the mirror and looked at himself. Then back to the photo. Then back to the mirror. Despite time and sunlight fading the picture, there was no doubt that his feathers were a more vibrant red back then. Now, he more resembled the older cardinal in the back than he did the younger cardinal in the front.
He stared at his father’s beaming face. If only he had one more day to say everything he wanted to say. To apologize for the bad times. To thank him for the good times. To tell him that he loved him.
But he didn’t have one more day. Time had claimed his father. And time would one day claim him. And it would claim his husband, his son, and everything he had ever loved or cared about.
And that’s what made it all become real. He stumbled back to the couch and fell face-first onto it. His whole body trembled as he sobbed into the cushions. Dad was dead. He would never see him again. He was dead! The sobs turned to wails as he fell apart. He was so alone. He was more alone than he had ever been. He wished Cielan were home. He wished Mel were home. He pulled his phone out from under his stomach. It shook in his hand as he called his husband. The phone only rang three times, but it might as well have been three thousand.
“Hey, Lai. What’s up?”
“Cielan—”
The word squeaked out of his throat. He tried his best to keep from weeping, but he couldn’t keep it in.
“Lai? What’s wrong?”
“He’s… he’s dead…”
Cielan’s voice leapt through the speaker. “Who?”
“Dad.”
“Oh no… I’m coming home.”
“You don’t have to,” Lairo said, almost automatically. But it was a lie. He needed Cielan. The universe was so cold and lonely, and only one person could keep him from freezing.
“Yes, I do. I’m already on my way out.” Of course his husband knew. He always knew.
“Okay… drive safe, please,” Lairo said, his voice quivering.
“I will. I love you, Lairo. Be with you soon.”
“Love you…”
The call ended, and Lairo broke down again. He slammed his phone onto the cushion as tears gushed from his eyes. Horrible, agonized moans escaped his beak, and memories of his own father, sobbing just like him, filled his mind.
“Daddy? Why are you crying?”
Nev looked down at his son. He opened his mouth, but his chest wretched and he looked away. “Why, God? Why like this?”
“Daddy?” Lairo was scared. He had never seen Daddy like this, and he had definitely never heard him question God.
Nev knelt next to his son and put his hand on Lairo’s shoulder. “Lairo… Mommy was in an accident.”
Lairo opened his eyes, but the room was just a smear. He rubbed away the tears with the back of his hand, but they were quickly replaced. It was over three decades ago, but he never forgot his father’s cries. Now, his father cried no more. He would have to do all the crying for him.
And cry he did. He cried until his eyes hurt and his throat hurt more. When his body had no more tears to cry, and the bawling slowed to a trickle, he pushed himself to his feet and looked in the mirror. The feathers around his eyes were soaked, and his beak still trembled. He looked terrible—and not just because he was crying. He tilted his head forward and looked at his crest. His feathers hadn’t come back as thick since his last moult. His bleary eyes flicked to his thin arm. Bringing in the groceries was getting more difficult. He lifted his shirt. He had always been very short and thin, but he couldn’t help but notice a little flab to his stomach. He wasn’t gaining weight—it was just sagging.
Getting weaker.
Getting uglier.
Getting older.
His time was coming, too. Not today. Not even soon. But the signs of ageing were becoming harder and harder to ignore.
He pried himself from the mirror and sat back on the couch. He was scared, but he wasn’t sure of what. Dying? That didn’t feel right. Getting old? No, something was missing.
Then the front door opened, and he knew right away.
“Lai!”
Lairo didn’t look up. For some reason, the thought of his husband seeing his face made his stomach turn. He bounced as the blue jay landed on the couch and threw his arms around him. But he wasn’t as warm as he expected. The touch felt ethereal. Immaterial.
“I’m sorry.” Cielan sounded like he had done some crying of his own.
Lairo sniffed as his husband pressed into him. “We knew this was coming.” His voice was a mix of flat and creaky. His throat hurt. His head hurt. “I just hope he didn’t suffer too much.”
“I hope so too,” Cielan said. He nuzzled against Lairo, who reflexively twisted away. “Lai?”
The cardinal felt like he was going to vomit. “Sorry. I’m… I’m just scared.”
Cielan rubbed his husband’s shoulder. “Of what?”
Lairo’s voice cracked as he spoke. “I look awful.”
“Lai… you look fine. Besides, you just lost your father. Your appearance doesn’t matter right now.”
“That’s not it.” A tempest of emotions whirled in his head. Why did this bother him so much, right now? Why wasn’t his grief the focus on his attention? He sniffed and wiped away his tears. “Sorry… I don’t know…”
Cielan rubbed his beak against Lairo and linked his fingers with his. “You don’t have to. Take all the time you need. I’ll be here for as long as you need me.”
For as long as he needed him… how long would that be? “It’s just… I… I don’t want to lose you, too.”
“Oh, Lai. That’s not happening for a long time. We’re both very healthy.”
Lairo shook his head. “It’s not just dying… I… I’m getting old. I’m getting ugly.”
“Ugly?” Cielan sounded startled. “What do you mean?”
“Look…” Lairo tilted his head back and ran his talons through the black feathers under his beak. “They’re really starting to go grey now. And my red feathers aren’t doing much better…”
“Oh, Lai…”
Lairo sighed. “And I’m starting to sag everywhere. I’m scared, Cielan.” He swallowed. “I’m scared I’m going to be ugly, and you won’t love me anymore.”
“I—”
“I know, I know! You aren’t like that. I never would have fallen in love with someone who was. It’s irrational, I know. But I just… I… I don’t know. I don’t know why it scares me so much.”
The blue jay nuzzled him. “You’ll always be beautiful to me. It’s not your feathers I fell in love with. It was you. And you’ll always be you.”
Lairo exhaled, his breath shaky. When he spoke, his voice was quiet and soft. “But is that true? You saw how Dad got. Sometimes he didn’t even recognize us. Is that going to happen to me? Is that going to happen to you?” His throat tightened. “I can’t stand the thought.”
Cielan rested his head against Lairo’s collarbone. “Neither of us can see the future. Perhaps we’ll be like Mrs. Breling. Older than God but still as sharp as a scalpel.”
Lairo smiled, and for the first time today, felt some tension leave his body.. “That… that would be nice.” He sighed as he stared at the floorboards. He was numb, yet felt every emotion, all at once. They overwhelmed him, and the tears flowed anew. Dad was dead. He was gone. He would never hear his voice again. He would never see his smile again. He would make no new memories with him, ever again.
Cielan pulled Lairo closer and rubbed his crest against his husband’s. Despite his sobs, Lairo finally felt that warmth that he had needed ever since he hung up the phone. He wrapped his talons around Cielan’s and looked into his eyes.
“T-thank you, Cielan. I’m… my brain’s a mess.”
The blue jay grinned. “What’s new?”
“Hey!” Lairo sputtered a laugh. “I’m grieving here!”
Cielan squeezed his hand tighter. “I know. That’s why I said it.”
Lairo sighed and softly pecked his husband. He always knew how to cheer him up. That’s why he loved him. That’s why he never wanted to be without him. He pushed his tall, proud crown into his husband’s chest. “I love you.”
“I love you too, Lai.”
Lairo pulled his husband closer and basked in the same warmth that set his heart ablaze decades ago. “I don’t ever want to lose you. Why can’t we be together forever?”
Cielan ran his talons through Lairo’s crest. “Maybe we can be.”
The cardinal sniffled. “Do you think there’s… more? After we die?”
The blue jay cooed softly. “I don’t know if there is, but if this is all we have, then I couldn’t have found a better person to spend my life with.”
“Cielan…”
“And if there is something else… I’ll find you, because I’ll love you forever.”
