ONE-SIDED
You had drained almost all the strength I had in my fragile body. Although weakened, my desperate need for you gave me enough power to continue my mission of reaching for something that probably didn't even exist anymore – or maybe it had never even been real to begin with; you had just masked it so well.
The rough sand scratched the skin of my naked body as I crawled through the endless wasteland, pursuing your receding figure. I had no longer strength to walk, so I kept dragging my bruised body forward determinedly. But not even my willpower combined with my enormous fear of losing you were enough to force my body to move faster so I could catch up with you – you just kept strolling further and further away from me.
Away from us.
As the stars started to fall down from the sky, painting the dark night even darker and wicked, I raised my hand, reaching desperately for your disappearing form. The tears began to flow, and every one of them I cried just for you. I tried to scream; to command you to wait for me, but the only sound I was able to let out from my heart was silent, weak weeping.
You ignored it all.
You just left me there, alone and broken.
You abandoned me.
And my heart stopped.
WHEN MY WORLD STARTED TO CRUMBLE
The utter darkness had started to swallow everything I had created inside these solid walls. I watched how it engulfed my entire mind in anguishing waves that broke all my dreams. I knew it for sure, this dusk of oppression's source was located within my chest; shredded open it showed only a black hole that was about to suck in its pitch-black and endless depths my whole universe. I was possessed by sorrow and fright that knew no bounds, and thus I could only sit still and examine silently; I was the prisoner of these walls I had built all by myself.
And oh, I could hear how their ghastly cries echoed and filled the glitching air with despair. Those who had been more close to my lonesome heart than anyone could ever be from the world of reality, they were suffering too because of my infection.
What could I do if the root of all evil I carried within my soul would make them fade away? It was a horrific thought. I knew that without them my world would fall apart and my walls – the only thing that supported my life – would collapse.
Just a thought of being exposed to the world of dread once more made me want to disappear along with all my creations. To be completely erased from existence… That was my ultimate wish. If only it could be possible… Perhaps not in the outside world.
But in my world, anything I wanted would become achievable.
THE OUTCAST'S HEARTACHE
Once again the fox had climbed to the cliff to stare at the purely shining waxing moon. Sitting alone and gazing at the sky above, the vivid images of the most beautiful dance he had ever seen kept running throughout his mind over and over again. It had truly been really mesmerizing and tremendous sight, but the more he continued to think about it, the more it hurt, for that gorgeous dance hadn't been performed by just anyone.
The dancer in question had been his beloved one.
Too bad that he hadn't been the one she had danced with.
The fox lowered his head down as if in ultimate defeat, a vicious war raging inside of his soul. What he had witnessed by accident had forced him to face the harsh and inevitable truth: he wasn't qualified of being a partner for the one he dearly loved. She was a princess, a royal one, and he… he was just an abomination of their kind. She was worthy of having another noble one by her side, not someone like him. Just like in the dance she had performed today. It had been foolish to even think otherwise. The dreams of different, better times she had planted in his head got shattered to thousands of pieces after seeing her being so contently with someone else.
It hurt so much. She had been the only one who didn't despise him and weren't toying with his life. He had never understood why she was like that – why she wanted to be his spouse when she could have just anyone who wasn't trash like him. Just being around him would cause her only trouble. So, what did she see in him?
He couldn't help it; a part of him was whispering how she actually didn't care about him at all. Pretending to be kind to him and offering him the love no one else would ever give was just a part of a scheme he couldn't understand.
Neither she nor anyone else did need him in this world. He had no future at all if he stayed here. Of course, he had been aware of it all along, but due to her sweet promising words, he had buried the truth to the deepest pits of his mind. But now he had no other choice but to finally open his eyes.
It seemed like departure was the only option left for him.
THE DAY WHEN THEY LEARNED TO HATE
He had never seen so much hatred, destruction and death in his life.
What's worse, it was his people who were contaminated by these horrors.
He froze upon seeing the atrocious sight from his floating, glowing crystal ball like sphere, his eyes reflecting pure dismay and regret as he kept exploring the horrid visions. Many buildings he remembered from his childhood lied now in ruins, some parts of the settlement was still being devoured by uncontrollable black flames, and there was not even one living soul to be seen. Only corpses were lying around as no one had bothered to remove them from the display; almost like someone had wanted them to stay there as a reminder of something. What made it even more disgusting was that some of the carcasses were partly eaten due to the cannibalistic traits some individuals of his kind had.
It made him feel sick. To take his attention away from all the horribly mangled bodies, he concentrated on desperately searching for one dear person: his mother. It was no use to even try look for his father, for he was well aware that even without this disaster, his father would have already been passed away because of the incurable sickness that had tormented his body.
He searched and searched – exploring throughout the whole castle where his family had lived (only to caught even more sorrow to his heart for witnessing how the majestic Garden of Kings had been burned down) – but soon he had to give up. No matter how hard he tried to focus on finding his mother – or even her body – he couldn't find a single trace of her. The cost of power he had put in such effort had started to taken its toll, and he had no other choice but to leave it be. Observing the situation from such a great distance through his sphere was more fatiguing than he had first thought. He had to break the contact soon or it would drain too much energy from him.
He let the tragic images fade away from the sphere's core. As soon as the strange object-like thing started to return back to its regular form – a seven-pointed star with two rings circling around it – he started to truly feel all the exhaustion his body had received because of the effort he had put in examining a far away place.
Now he deeply regretted it. The sight he had witnessed wasn't the one he had expected to see. If only he could erase it from his memory… But he knew he couldn't. It would haunt him relentlessly from now on.
Especially because he understood he was responsible for all that suffering.
If he hadn't abandoned his kingdom to chase his dreams, everything would still be fine… They wouldn't be at such war with each other… Everything would still be in order…
It was all his fault.
His body started to tremble as guilt took over his soul, and his silvery moth wings started to flutter in an anxious manner. He had never wished for anything like this to happen…
His silent whimpers filled the chilly night air. He felt truly sorry for the unfortunate state of his land, but at the same time, deep inside of his heart lived a thought of how this was just an inevitable yet unpleasant deed that had to be done in order for the better world he had in his mind to come to reality.
Unfortunately, the crestfallen fate of his kingdom had to be the first one of the numerous sacrifices on his self-seeking path to greatness.
MY SILENT SCREAMS
I keep screaming, but my sound of pain won't reach your deafened ears. And my voice is too pathetic and too weak to be heard. Sometimes I wish you could hear me, sometimes I don't. Though I admit that more than anything else I wish I could have someone who truly cared about me, comforted me, encouraged me and kissed my hidden tears away, I don't think I'm worthy of having even a tiniest drop of anyone's pity.
Well, it's not like I listened to anyone's kind words anyway. Words are just lies. I have no trust in such vague things. Nor do I have in anyone or anything. I feel horribly lonesome all the time because all this distrust keeps my heart at great distance from everyone, but there's not really anything I can do about it. After all, there's very little evidence of others being trustworthy.
Still I don't know where I went wrong, what did I do to earn to get drowned, but surely it's something I deserve, even if I'm not sure why.
But it's too perplexing and distressing to think about it, so I just drop it. And keep continuing to live in this undead-like state. All alone. Screaming silently.
It's such a cliché, but I wear a mask every day. A flawless, yet an ugly mask. Though sometimes it has cracks on it since some of my pain manages to slip through it, but it doesn't really matter. I can fix it and make it sleek once again. And sometimes it rattles dreadfully, but just like my screams, no one will hear it.
I think it's essential to keep wearing it. My soul is way too sick and it keeps worsening every day. It's better to protect everyone from this illness by concealing it. I yearn for help, but I'm just way too gone already. It's no use; I can't be saved. So, I'll keep covering it all – my pain, my screams you won't hear – until the day I disappear.
