I cannot stop crying. I miss this little baby so much. I can't express how heartbroken we are. We took her to the vet because she had some swelling on her upper lip and we thought it was an infected tooth, but the anti-biotics didn't work and she just got worse so quickly.
I have a fucking ... case of wet food I ordered that arrived two days ago. I bought it special for her, it's like veterinarian grade for older dogs with liver problems and I never even opened the box because she was in the ER and now it's just sitting in my front hall. I ordered it because she was having trouble swallowing the dry food. We took her to the vet that afternoon and they gave her some shots for the inflammation and more antibiotics and pain meds, and I ordered it as soon as we got home but by that night she was coughing up her food again and her whole face had swollen up so we took her to the ER. The only time we got to be with her after that was when we were transferring her from the ER to the hospital.
They gave us a referral and told us to go take her to this place but when we got there they said they couldn't see her for four days so we said fuck you and drove her home instead. We called veterinary hospitals all over the state and finally our regular vet got us an appointment at one over an hour away so we took her there. More x-rays, more samples, she was having trouble breathing now so they put her in an oxygenated kennel.
In the morning they called to say it was most likely cancer, but the primary concern was pneumonia. If she could get past that, we might have a few more months with her. That was hard to take, but we said ok. She's finally able to eat again, so there is hope. We drive down there after I finish work to visit. They let us in for a couple of minutes, but she has trouble breathing outside the special kennel so we can't stay long. She looks happy to see us. We brought her blanket from home. I tell her that we haven't abandoned her here, that we love her and we'll be back soon.
The next day the doctor calls and tells us to come down as soon as we can because her lungs are full of fluid and there is nothing anyone can do except euthanasia. That keeping her alive at this point would be cruel, waiting for her to die from lack of oxygen like she was drowning. I cancel streams I'm going to miss and we drive back down to say goodbye.
She is happy to see us. She stands up in the kennel despite the IV when we arrive and we spend a few minutes petting her. We've brought her bed for her to lay in. The doctor tells us what's going to happen. They shave a little of her fur and give it to me in a plastic baggie; I put it in my pocket. We aren't ready. We spend a few more minutes with her, I am sobbing awkwardly in public now; something I never do. Finally, Sheep picks her up and holds Wendy in her arms as the doctor administers a lethal dose of anesthesia. He checks her heart. She is gone. I quietly wonder how long it is between her heart stopping and brain death, and hope to God that it doesn't hurt, that she isn't scared. We go to a quiet room with the body and give her a few last pets. I tell her that I'm sorry. I am so sorry.
A nurse comes to take the body. She is completely limp and I cannot bear to watch. We go to the front, I pay the rest of the ten thousand dollars I owe for her care, and we pick out an urn. It's a simple brown wooden box with a slot for photos on the front.
We cry most of the hour and six minute drive home.
I don't know what to do with myself anymore. Nothing feels right. Everything reminds me of her. I know that I should celebrate her life, and the joy she brought us while she was alive but I can't help falling into grief. All I know is that I love and miss my precious baby, and I'd have paid anything, done anything for just a little more time with her.
You made a mark on our hearts. We love you so much. I'm sorry. Thank you Wendy.
EDIT: Thank you to everyone for your sympathies, kind words and empathetic stories. I think it's probably best if I don't try to reply to everyone, but Sheep and I have read them all and we really appreciate your support.
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1 year, 6 months ago
07 May 2023 09:16 CEST
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