Drowning Light
He keeps walking. Running. Climbing. He pushes the world with all of his paws. Claws dig into the landscape. The land laughs, tickled by his natural weapons. He has no power over this place. All he can do is keep moving. Hoping that the light in his spirit can blossom into something that fortifies him against the evils lurking over his shoulder.
Time has no meaning here. His memories slip like water in a punctured bucket. And no matter how he tries to spread gentleness and joy, he keeps going in circles. He's run out of words to express his frustrations. Spurred on by hope, the determined spirit continues to wander.
Tobias wanders amongst shadows. Their towering forms carry faces full of mystery, rage, and desire. When he walks, they follow. When he runs, they chase. Each step he takes is disorienting. They growl and breathe heavily down his neck. Always reaching. Sometimes they approach kindly. And he has no choice but to lean into them for protection.
Protection from what? Everything? Nothing? All he knows is that these shadows carry his memories. They wrestle for control. They want his company. They are attracted to his light. But they fight. The angry red mist pushes the long skinny eyeless shadow back. But it returns. And the three of them walk together as if an imbalance was suddenly corrected. But simmering beneath is discontent amongst them. Sadness drowns their hate for each other.
The red mist pulls in other shadows. A jealous one appears. Tobias greets it, and this one seems to like him. It is a feminine shadow. But there is another shadow. A scared and tired round one with horns. This one has small clouds hovering over his shoulders. A smaller shadow appears. It's quiet and mysterious. It grabs Toby's arm. The paw is wet and cold. But the coldness is comforting against the flames of the passion-filled red shadow and the tall eyeless one that occasionally burns, which has become the signal for Tobias to run away from it again.
The coolness of this shadow, which is slightly larger than Tobias, but smaller than all the others, reminds him of water. This shadow holds Toby's strongest memories. They are memories of a terrible time in his life. A moment in time where a part of him had never left. Permanently anchored by trauma. The wetness of the shadow reminds him of being held underwater. His tears get swallowed up without mercy by the eerily quiet waves. Waves he was forced under by something that wanted to scatter all of Toby's light.
But the small shadow now touching him also reminds him of a moment when he felt sheltered. That terrible mixture of safety and danger leaves Tobias conflicted. He freezes up as he stands in the darkness. His toes feel damp.
The moisture fades when the shadow releases its touch. He doesn't feel the wet ground anymore. And as Tobias makes some distance from this shadow, warmth returns to him. Still, it smiles at him, and Tobias returns one.
"It's alright," the figure says. But it doesn't give him a name. Tobias doesn't speak. Whenever he does, the shadows around him stir. They clamor for his attention and he doesn't want to agitate them. He wants to keep them pacified with his light. Even though whenever he gives his light away, he grows older and dimmer. The darkness had an infinite appetite for light. But it never truly listens to what he says. It only pretends to.
He wishes he could speak. But as he tries to communicate his feelings, the jealous one stands between Tobias and the shadow. The tall eyeless one approaches, standing near the jealous one. It wants Tobias to talk. To tell him something. This spooks Tobias. Toby's fright causes the red mist to hovers in, opposite the jealous and tall one. The fat horned one moans a little, stepping back as the tall eyeless shadow glows orange. It was time to run.
The shadows reach out for Tobias at once. He slips out, hissing at them and running. They clamor, hitting each other. The friendly one is close and follows Tobias more successfully than the others. Tobias calls out now. Yelling a name.
"Chase!" "Chase!" But there is no response. The friendly shadow looks at him confused, as if Tobias had suddenly gone blind.
His light pulses out as he turns left then right. Pointing his sight towards a darkness that has no corner. No front, center or back. It is everything. It is all there is. It is all he sees and all he hears. He needs to tell somebody. But whenever he shines his light, whenever it flickers, he gets ignored. The harder he tries to tell the truth, the more he is ignored. Only the darkness listens. Only the darkness comes to him and offers him company. But he doesn't want that company. It's terrifying. It's terrible. It is never satisfied.
The ground is grass and sand again. It is hot. It is dark. And the voices around him clear just a little. His fur remains puffed out. In front of him is a lizard. Big spotlights silhouette him and poke Toby's eyes. He blinks away the light and looks around. A red wolf holds Tobias in place. They're speaking gently to him, confused and concerned. The world shifts in his vision.
"TJ?" He shakes his head once. Then notices a fennec and a bat.
"What?" is all he could respond with.
"He's finally coming to." The red one, Leo, waves a hand in front of TJ. TJ frowns in annoyance. His whiskers twitch.
It's been like this for a long time. So long that Tobias can't accurately recall his age. Or why some people look at him funny and think he's a child. He's not a child anymore. At least, he thinks he knows this. It's hard to tell sometimes. When he is in the dark, he still sees himself like the child at the lake. But here in the desert. Surrounded by friends. He is older. And that confusion leads to pain and shame. Whenever he feels he has regained a grip on his mind, reality warps again. And he is back in the darkness. Drowning. And it loops.
Toby looks and sees Chase looking at him. But then he stands with the shadows. All is quiet. Beside him is the friendly shadow, standing where Chase was. Tobias dares to ask,
"What's your name?" He touches the shadow. It feels wet. The shadow leans forward to him. Its facial features are different. The face has a smile that looks too wide for its face, reaching behind the eyes. It is a crooked smile. The darkness becomes heavy and cold. It feels like water. He is underwater now.
The other shadows shrink back from this strange figure. They tremble, turning away and skittering off in stuttered motions like flipbook pictures. The shadow takes his hand. The grin stretches even more. And Tobias feels a paralyzing mix of terror and...love?
"I will keep you safe." The voice bubbles out. Gurgling as if underwater. "You can call me Secrets." Tobias shakes his head. He tries to pull away, but notices the grip on his hand tightens. He can't breathe. His light shines brighter than he thought possible. But that only increases the depth of the darkness around him. He can't remember. He cries out. But he can't speak. All he hears is the shadow. "My name is Secrets. Tell me your secret." Toby's light spreads, drowning in the dark.
