Collin is hovering through a flowery meadow on Earth, in the middle of a sunny summer day. A portal opens above Collin, and Deerie floats out.
DEERIE
Heyyy there, Collin! Long time no see… ha ha…
COLLIN
Deerie?
DEERIE
Ha ha, yes. Your old pal! Um, listen. We’re having some… problems? Up here in Heaven. And… we could use your help? So, um… you’re un-banished! Congratulations!
Deerie gives Collin an encouraging smile.
COLLIN
You can’t just do that.
Deerie blinks gracefully.
DEERIE
Sorry?
COLLIN
You can’t just make an exception to the law. If it says I’m banished, then I’m banished!
DEERIE
Ha ha, nooo, that’s okay! You don’t have to pretend to be reluctant, trust me, ha ha… you certainly don’t have any public image problem up here in Heaven!
COLLIN
Image problem? I don’t c-care about my ‘image’, Deerie, I care about God’s law! If the law says I’m banished, then I’m banished. I’ll serve my punishment dutifully.
Deerie looks increasingly uncomfortable. She straightens her tie, and swallows nervously. She gets up close to Collin, and whispers in his ear.
DEERIE
Ha ha… Listen, Collin. You were my department’s most productive employee. Our performance has fallen by 800 percent since we banished you. The higher ups are on my ass about this, and you have got to come back, or I’m fired, do you understand me?
Deerie speaks through gritted teeth.
DEERIE
So, welcome home, Collin.
COLLIN
Deerie, I really am sorry about your j-job. But laws are laws. I can’t just disregard them, for the sake of myself or for the sake of my friends. I’m sorry, but I cannot accept.
Deerie starts hyperventilating. She manages to calm herself, and whispers to Collin again.
DEERIE
I’m gonna get banished from Heaven if you don’t take the damn job. Just take it! Don’t you want to see your family again? Don’t you want to be free from pain, and live in eternal bliss, surrounded by kind and perfect souls?
Collin gets a little teary-eyed.
COLLIN
I do want to see my family again…
Deerie momentarily looks hopeful.
COLLIN
But no, I don’t want to live in a w-world where everyone has to pretend to be perfect. To be truly close to God is to honestly show your flaws, and work on trying to make them b-better. Since I was banished, I’ve made friends. Real, actual friends. Not just pretending to be nice to me cause they had to. Being nice to me cause they actually liked me. I don’t want to give that up. And even if I did want to, it’s against the l-law.
Deerie sighs in defeat.
DEERIE
Collin, there was no law.
COLLIN
What?
DEERIE
Look, I just didn’t want to deal with the paperwork involved in the accidental death of a human. I figured I’d just put it down as ‘purposeful’, kick you guys out of Heaven, and take my lunch break on time for once.
Collin clenches his fists. He seems uncharacteristically angry.
COLLIN
You lied on a holy government document? You put my friends through all that s-suffering, just to not have to do paperwork?
DEERIE
Okay, look, it wasn’t only that.
COLLIN
Go on.
Deerie nervously tugs at her tie again. She pulls a handkerchief from her pocket and dabs her forehead with it. Her hind hoof is twitching nervously.
DEERIE
I… was eyeing up a promotion. You… you were my main rival for the position. I… didn’t want you to get it.
Collin’s expression softens, and he relaxes a little.
COLLIN
But you’re ranked above me? Why would I even be considered?
Deerie snaps, shouting at Collin.
DEERIE
Because you’re the best cherub we’ve hired in years, okay! Because you outperform me, and everyone else in our department, on every metric! Of course they were gonna choose you! It wasn’t even a competition!
They hover in silence for a few moments. Deerie’s chest heaving as she tries to calm her breathing. Collin just staring into space, shellshocked.
COLLIN
Well… If I was wrongfully banished in the first place, then I was never truly relieved of my duty, right?
DEERIE (in a hopeful tone)
Yes, right…
COLLIN
So, in that case, I must return to Heaven. I am honour bound.
DEERIE (whispers under her breath)
Thank God.
COLLIN
But…
DEERIE
What?! What now?!
COLLIN
I must abide by the official, written decisions of the judiciary. Was the original banishment record ever amended from “purposeful death” to “accidental”?
Deerie gives Collin a cold, fake smile.
DEERIE
Obviously not, Collin, because then I would have to explain why I got it wrong in the first place.
COLLIN
If the judicial system has convicted me of purposefully causing the wrongful death of a human, then I’m afraid there’s nothing I can do. I must remain outside of Heaven until s-such time as the decision is reversed.
DEERIE
Collin, I can’t reverse the decision, because then my ass is on the line, do you understand that?
COLLIN
I understand that you are a servant of God, and you are to put His interest before your own.
DEERIE
Okay, smartass, we all say that, but none of us actually believe it.
COLLIN
I do! I believe it! And I’m not g-going to lie and scheme and weasel my way around God’s law to cover your a – I mean, b-bottom! You have to face j-justice one way or another, and I’m not g-getting you out of it! No!
Deerie summons her crossbow and points it at Collin. A look of desperation and rage in her eyes, as she still tries to put on a fake smile.
DEERIE
I’m not giving you a choice. You’re coming back to Heaven. You’re working for me. And you’re not spilling a word about any of this. Understood?
Collin closes his eyes and makes the shape of the cross on his chest, with his hoof. He takes a deep breath and waits.
DEERIE
Collin, what are you doing?
COLLIN
If I have to die to uphold God’s law, then so be it.
DEERIE
You’re not seriously this stupid? I am giving you everything you want, on a goddamn silver platter! You get to go back to Heaven! You get to have your crimes erased like they never even happened! You get to see your family again, Collin! What the hell are you thinking?
COLLIN
I would get everything I want. But this isn’t about what I want. This is about what God wants.
Deerie presses her crossbow up against Collin’s temple.
DEERIE
I am not fucking kidding. This isn’t a bluff. I am literally about to kill you, Collin. For God’s sake, rethink this.
COLLIN
Deerie, for what you’re about to d-do, I forgive you.
Collin closes his eyes again. He nervously swallows. He’s trembling, but he doesn’t back away an inch.
Deerie angrily throws her crossbow to the floor. It shatters into several pieces.
DEERIE
Damn you to hell, Collin! Dammit!
Deerie’s eyes are starting to tear up. Collin gently places a hoof on her shoulder.
COLLIN
Deerie, I-
DEERIE
Don’t touch me, asshole!
Deerie shoves Collin, pushing him away.
COLLIN
Deerie. I know facing justice is scary, but the Word says that -
DEERIE
Don’t fucking lecture me!
COLLIN
Alright. I won’t. But Deerie, if you do decide to admit to what you’ve done, I’m happy to appear as a witness, and plead for your sentence to be reduced, okay?
DEERIE
What?
COLLIN
If you choose to abandon d-deceit, and choose the path of honesty, then I think Heaven would benefit from a soul like yours. I would vouch for you to be allowed to stay.
DEERIE
You’re not bullshitting me?
COLLIN
Deerie, you’ve known me for long enough, that you know I never bullshi- erm… never lie to you.
Deerie pauses for a few moments, as if deep in thought. Collin gives her a soothing, patient expression.
DEERIE
Okay…
Deerie pauses again, a conflicted frown on her face
DEERIE
Okay Collin, I’ll do it.
Deerie sighs, and rubs her temples, as if going over everything that’s about to happen in her head. She starts to hyperventilate a little.
COLLIN
If it’ll help, I can go with you when you confess? I’ll hold your hoof all the way there. I won’t leave your side.
DEERIE
You… promise?
COLLIN
I promise.
Collin takes Deerie by the hand, and they both fly into the portal together.
