They say never to eat the last slice of pizza in the cafeteria.
That’s what they say. It’s easily the oldest and nastiest piece and in a school that serves lunch that dogs probably wouldn’t enjoy eating, that was saying something. As someone who once tried dog food to see how it tastes, I couldn’t help but wonder if they were exaggerating.
How old the pizza already was by the time the students from the next class after mine came to get it was always hotly contested. No one trusted it and no one in their right mind should or would.
That’s why whenever the last slice was in full view of everyone, they’d avoid it like the plague.
I was never so unlucky as to get the last slice of pizza but today I ended up at the back of the line.
When I got to the front, there were slim pickings available for me. I think there was some macaroni and cheese but that didn’t feel satisfying. The chicken they served here didn’t even look like chicken. It looked more like chicken fat. The less said about whatever was floating in the jello, the better. So, with a shrug of my shoulders, I picked the last slice of pizza.
The other kids in line turned to glance at me, wondering if I was crazy.
Not crazy. Just too much of an enigma for them to comprehend. It was a curse being so dignified and regal that the world just ignored you. Everyone loved staring at my pants for example.
I must have on some really nice pants. Thanks Juneberry.
I made my way towards the lunch table and sat down with Troy and Ian sitting across from me. They didn’t look like they were having that good of a time eating this supposed slop. I dunno. It was mostly fine to me whenever it was something other than the gross pizza.
Wait. I got the pizza today didn’t I?
Too late, I was already eating it now. Maybe I was thinking too hard about things earlier.
“Ew,” Troy said across from me. “You’re actually eating that? That’s something I would have dared you to do if we were playing a game at a sleepover or something.”
Interesting. It didn’t taste toxic. Just old and clammy. I took another bite.
“It doesn’t even look like pizza,” Ian mused with an uncomfortable, sickening look at the food item in my hands. “That crust especially reminds me of cardboard.”
I thought it over for a bit.
Then I decided that, yeah, they were right. This tasted like crap.
I got about half way through it before setting the piece down.
“I just didn’t feel like macaroni and cheese,” I admitted, slumping in my seat with a sigh. “I’ll never forget the war between swiss and provolone. It was a close battle but Cheddarjack came out on top with the steel chair. NO ONE saw it coming!”
Ian was staring at me with an eyebrow raised, like I was crazy.
Troy was giggling. At least he appreciated the story.
How could anyone forget such a pivotal moment in dairy history?
Suddenly, I got really wicked tummy troubles. It was gurgling fiercely and I had to slump forward in my seat a bit.
“Are you okay?” Ian asked. “You’re looking a little pale.”
“Am I?” I looked at my hands and noticed they were sweating. “Ah… maybe I am feeling a bit… weird…?”
I was a little woozy now actually. I was also still hungry. Half a gross pizza was not enough.
“Maybe you just need something a little less nasty to eat,” Troy said, reaching into his bag and pulling out a few snacks. “Here you go.”
He laid them out for me to glance at.
Peanuts? Nah. Chips? Sure, but it wasn’t that filling. A bottle of Strawberry Slimfast? What?
“Why do you have this?” I asked, lifting the bottle up and examining it curiously.
Troy shrugged. “I don’t know. My brother packed it for me.”
I spotted something when I turned it over. “Oh hey, there’s a sticky note attached to it.” I exclaimed before plucking it off and reading it aloud. “Troy, I packed this for you because not only is it surprisingly tasty but it might help in deflating that fat butt of yours. Love, Chris.”
Ian actually snickered at that.
Troy shot him a death glare that made Ian flinch and gulp with his hands up.
“Can I keep this?” I asked, amidst the seething heat rising from the suddenly venomously angry Troy.
“YEsssssSSssssSss…!” Troy offered, speaking through clenched teeth and shaking with curled fists.
Yeah. Chris hit the “Big Butt” button with Troy and now he was pissed. Good going big bro.
—
When I got home that evening, I was still feeling weird.
I was still really clammy and sweating and tired despite not having done a ton. School was boring so there was only so much the adults could blame almost falling asleep in class on us.
I barely managed to make it up to my room though. The stairs never felt so long and rough.
I was getting tunnel vision.
Each step I took felt like it was taking longer to land.
Eventually, mercifully, I made it up the steps and pushed forward towards my room.
I was in a really strange, dream-like state. My room didn’t even look like my room.
It was so big and wide. There was nothing in here actually. Just a big window at the far end of it with curtains blowing in the wind.
I felt really calm and chill though. This wasn’t freaking me out like it normally would have.
I blinked and patted my face down a bit. “What was in that pizza? Is this what being high is like? I see why people like it.”
“No,” came a voice from what felt like all around me. “This is what being dead is like.”
I was a bit shocked to hear that. Being dead must have felt really cool then. Wait until I told everyone that dying was sick and felt awesome. I’d get the Nobel Peace Prize and a free life-time supply of tacos for sure!
I could hear it all of a sudden. A song from my Halloween playlist was playing and echoing throughout the room.
(All our times have come Here but now they're gone)
“Wait a minute… thats–!”
(Seasons don't fear the reaper Nor do the wind, the sun or the rain We can be like they are!)
(Come on, baby (don't fear the reaper) Baby, take my hand (don't fear the reaper) We'll be able to fly (don't fear the reaper) Baby, I'm your man!)
I almost felt a bit relieved when I finally saw the person who was speaking to me.
In a flash of lightning, he appeared.
A tall, dark, fairly scary looking figure in a cloak was suddenly in this room. Was it my room? I couldn’t tell if it was warped or if I was somewhere else entirely but it was strange and interesting.
He had a cool looking scythe over his shoulder.
I wanted it.
“Hello there,” I spoke to him, raising my hand with a wave. “My name is Bourbon. Also, despite your cool entrance you’ve technically just broken into my house.”
The figure looked down at me.
Or I assumed that’s what it was doing. I couldn’t see a face under that cloak.
“Where’d your pants go?” It asked.
“Hmm? Oh sometimes they just fall off me. Who are you though?” I answered, shifting subjects like a pro.
“The reaper.”
I blinked.
“... Oh!” I thought it over and felt the cold chill of the air rising around me. “That’s not good.”
The plain of existence I felt I was in was no longer real to me. It was very surreal actually.
“Do you come with your own frost machine, Mr. Reaper? It’s very chilly here all of a sudden.”
(Love of two is one Here but now they're gone.)
(Came the last night of sadness And it was clear she couldn't go on.)
(Then the door was open and the wind appeared.)
(The candles blew and then disappeared.)
(The curtains flew and then he appeared.)
(Saying don't be afraid.)
(Come on, baby (and she had no fear).
The reaper raised his scythe. “You were warned.”
I raised a brow.
“Never take the last slice of school pizza.”
SLASH!
I blinked.
“Hmm… well, what are you gonna do?” I said rather dismissively. “Hey buddy, your hands are very boney. What’s with you?”
The reaper didn’t respond. It seems he was touching me under my chin and walking with me towards a pit of darkness somewhere.
“Whoa. Slimfast works better than I thought. I feel lighter already.” I practically chirped with happiness, though you couldn’t see it on my face. I still felt lost in a weird euphoria.
One thing was still an issue though.
I was still kind of hungry.
Looking over at Mr. Reaper I started to wonder.
What was it about bones that dogs enjoyed so much? Perhaps I should give it a try.
Without warning, I clamped my teeth down onto the skeletal hand of my pursuer. He didn’t seem to like that but my teeth were strong. They could chomp through hard candy without getting so much as a crack in them.
I bit his arm off. I bit his legs.
I continued to tear through him.
Bone broth was gross but it was bulking me up.
It was then that I noticed my body laid out behind me. It seems that I voided my bladder when this fool cut off my head.
Great. Now my Pixar Luca briefs were soaked. He was getting his skull bashed in for that.
This was fun.
This was an experience.
More than that though, this was a cool as hell scythe.
Now it belonged to me…!
(They looked backward and said goodbye (she had become like they are) She had taken his hand (she had become like they are) Come on, baby (don't fear the reaper)
---
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