It's hard to remember that this isn't my fault. No matter how many people may want to argue or say about what I should or shouldn't have done these past few years, the bottom line is, I shouldn't have had to go through this in the first place. But that goes for everyone. No one should have to hide how they feel.
When I was young, my abuser fell in love with this little trend known as "The Secret" which was also known as the "Law of Attraction". And from then on, if I said I was sad or upset, she'd be upset with me for the crime of having admitted that, saying things like "Nooo dont say you're sad, say you're happy". This overly simplistic approach combined with the dismissal of things I had to be sad for just- led me into the paradox of being upset with myself for getting upset. And she encouraged that. If I said I didn't want to say I was happy because 1. it wasnt true. and 2. it gave me an even more violent dissonance of unhappiness for having to lie, she'd get mad at me and say "FINE! Be miserable then"
It didnt stop there. TW below for suicide baiting Being a teenager had its ups and downs, for me it was mostly tunneling like the subways in nyc, except it kept going deeper and deeper and because of the shitty lights I had no idea how dark things were. So much as sighing around my abusive stepfather would lead to him mocking me, repeating the sigh in an exaggerated motion to bait me into being offended, which- of course a 14 year old insecure girl would be. He'd say things like "Oh my god what a horrible life you have, jeez why dont you let me know to get a gun so you can just put yourself out of your misery."
They'd often say things like that. My mother would say things like "No one would ever love you like I do. If you died I'd kill myself." and then ask me if I would do the same, pushing me to see if I had the same emotional reaction. I used to at first, and she seemed pleased. When I stopped playing the game she'd play victim.
I feel like I've probably given bad advice now and then because of how this shaped me. About hiding your feelings to an extent as a business person. Which- when it comes to how your audience interacts with your work, I still think its gross to basically say "your support isnt enough" but its another thing to try to....mimic a corporate face. Act like everything bounces off, like you arent a person, like you're the customer service representative willing to yes anyone and play along.
Sometimes I feel like I've said I'm okay so much, I dont really know if its the truth. I've had to stop myself, because hey, its polite, but itd also be nice to not melt away inside. To smile for the sake of someone else. Always. but never smile for me.
I'm okay. But. I'm not though.
This picture was from a vent art entitled "I'm Okay" file name im not though drawn sometime in 2017
![[GOFUNDME] Painful Update](https://va.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/medium/4113/4113471_YimYim_cri_gfm_noncustom.jpg "[GOFUNDME] Painful Update")
![Time to Go [Need Help]](https://va.ib.metapix.net/thumbnails/medium/4118/4118855_YimYim_no_pressure_gfm_noncustom.jpg "Time to Go [Need Help]")