Alex was uncomfortable around him. Almost three days of flying, each taking a turn at the control, had made that clear to Tristan, but he didn’t understand why. Anytime he got close to him, or reached for him, Alex shrunk back. Anytime Alex thought Tristan wasn’t looking, his gaze turned wary.
Why was Alex behaving this way? This was what he’d wanted from the moment Tristan had abandoned him. The memory of screaming at him, telling him he meant nothing twisted his heart. He touched the scar on his breastbone, covered up by his fur. He’d destroyed it in uncontrollable anger because he had been unwilling to admit to himself how he felt.
But now he could do that. He could give himself to Alex, wanted to, but Alex acted like it wasn’t something he wanted anymore. That baffled Tristan and hurt him. He rested his head against the window, looking at the treetop, a surface of greens and yellows giving the hover’s anti-gravity units something to support them.
What was he willing to do to keep Alex? Was there anything he wouldn’t do?
He watched the holes in the canopy in the distance, occasional clearings.
He knew what he would have done before, what he had done. He would put on a mask, make himself the person Alex wanted, couldn’t live without. But he’d thought he knew who that was. Through all the manipulations, the times Tristan had ignored Alex because he didn’t have a need for him, He’d seen the way Alex looked at him. Not at any mask he was wearing, but at him. Alex knew him in a way no one had ever known him, not even his father, who’d been too busy trying to mold him into a reflection of himself.
Alex knew who Tristan was at his core, and he’d stayed. It meant something, didn’t it?
A series of six clearings in an almost perfect hexagon caught his attention. He’d seen those before. He tried to remember when. On the way in? No, he hadn’t looked outside, he’d been too busy feeling miserable, angry, manic; out of control. Then when?
He took his datapad and called up a map of the area, and as he did so he remembered pouring over maps in his youth. He’d sought out a map seller and had gone through them, looking for one of this area, because he’d wanted to know where he’d lived. He’d memorize where his father’s cabin had been because he…. He didn’t remember what his plan had been. He’d already killed his father. Even then he didn’t want to have anything to do with Justin. Maybe he’d planned on coming back one day and destroying any evidence of where he’d lived?
He stood and Alex winced. He almost went to him, instead of carrying on with his plan, but he also caught the worry in his eyes before he hardened them. He went to the controls.
“I’m taking over.”
Jacoby looked at him, then the controls. “I’m good. It’s only been a few hours since I took over from Alex, I had a good nap before that.”
An emotion flowed through him, and he kept the action it demanded in check. Annoyance, demanded that this insignificant person be squashed, put in his place. But this was Jacoby, and the man deserved a chance to correct his mistake.
“Get out of the chair, Jacoby,” Tristan said lightly, “Or I’m going to throw you out of it.”
The man looked at him again, then hurried to get up. “Fine, jeez, no need to make threats.”
Tristan sat, wondering at Jacoby’s reaction. He’d thought he’d made his features friendly. Maybe he should have put on a mask? Put on Tech? As Tech he’d never caused this kind of reaction from him, even when they’d argued.
He altered the hover’s course.
But he didn’t want to wear a mask. This wasn’t a job, this was who he was now. Who he wanted to be.
Himself.
Except he wasn’t entirely sure who that was yet. He knew what that meant in relation to Alex, but he hadn’t expected it to affect other people too. The old him would never have told the townsfolk to leave, to seek protection in the forest while he carried through with what he had planned. He wouldn’t even have talked with them. He would have fought the Corporate Army, maybe?
No, he wouldn’t have been there to start with. The old him would never have come back here. This planet only held bad memories, reminders of when he’d been weak, powerless.
No, if he’d somehow found himself in that town during the attack, he would have fought out of anger at being there, but then he would have left them to deal with the fallout.
“The city isn’t in that direction.” Jacoby said and annoyance flared again.
Tristan didn’t box it. There was nothing to study about it, it wasn’t important. He let it flow through him and ignored the actions it wanted of him. And he already had enough boxed up emotions he wasn’t in a position to go through yet. Not with Jacoby around, and, he looked at Alex over his shoulder, who looked away as if he’d been caught doing something he shouldn’t. He wanted to do that with him, felt that he needed to, but he wasn’t sure Alex could handle it right now.
“Did you hear—”
“I heard you.” His voice was sharp, almost snapping at Jacoby. He softened it. “I’m not going to the city.”
“What? I thought we were destroying the corporation and getting off this ball.” Jacoby’s derisive tone showed he didn’t take Alex’s plan seriously. And Tristan reminded himself Jacoby didn’t know Alex. They’d exchanged a few words in the months Alex was in the town, but really, it had been what, only a few more subjective months since Tristan had been kidnapped by his brother? He didn’t know how much coercing Alex had had to do to rescue him, but it hadn’t been enough to demonstrate what he was capable of to Jacoby.
“There’s someplace I need to stop at first.”
“Another detour? What is it about this place that keeps delaying us going home?”
“Jacoby, go sit down, before I throw you out.” The anger had come out of nowhere, but it had done the job, Jacoby sat in the back, away from Alex, looking as annoyed as Tristan had felt before.
He double checked they were heading in the right direction.
He studied the anger. What had triggered it? It hadn’t been the blinding anger that had afflicted him while he fought against caring for Alex. This had been focused, flaring at the word ‘home.’
It wasn’t the word itself that had caused it, but the tone Jacoby had used. The one that implied that Jacoby’s home had to be Tristan’s. The idea that someone else would dictate that had made him angry. He smiled to himself. He was still someone who didn’t take orders, good.
In the hour that followed he thought about Alex. Realizing that the reason he was reacting the way he was, was that he didn’t know who Tristan had become. The uncertainty was setting him on edge. He wasn’t seeing a Tristan who was now capable of offering himself to him. He was only seeing a Tristan who wasn’t what he’d expected to get back.
This would help with that.
He brought the hover down in the closest clearing, then discovered the trees were too dense to slip the hover between them and hide it from any satellite the corporations might have. He moved it against the tree trunks, which allowed the canopy to hide most of the hover. He shut it down and stood.
Alex was already up, hiding his uneasiness under his readiness to do whatever Tristan told him too. Tristan watched him, feeling a mix of emotions that contradicted themselves. He was proud of that readiness, and afraid of what it meant. He was pleased with Alex’s willingness to obey him, but he also wanted the man to resist him, to show he was more than Tristan’s weapon.
Tristan boxed those emotions and set them aside.
Jacoby looked outside. “Okay, just want is so important here that we need to stop in the middle of nowhere?”
Tristan considered Jacoby. He didn’t want him around for what was coming. Tristan wasn’t going to show this side of himself to someone who meant so little to him. The easiest way to deal with it was to kill him. He glanced at Alex, and he already had a hand near the knife at his hip. He didn’t know what this was about, but he understood it was private. All Tristan had to do was nod, and Jacoby would die.
No. He was done getting Alex to do his killing. If he decided to kill Jacoby, he’d do it himself, if that was what he decided on. The old and new him fought over the decision.
He won, he always won. The old him was irrelevant now.
He smiled. “Alex and me haven’t been together for a long while now. I’m tired of waiting.”
Jacoby looked from one to the other, quickly coming to the conclusion Tristan wanted him to reach, but surprised to realize he hadn’t lied.
“I see. Can’t this wait until we’re in the city? You two can get a room and do whatever you want while I make the arrangement to get up to the station?”
“Unlike what you think you know of me, Jacoby, I’m not a city person. This is something I’m going to do where I’m most comfortable.”
“Fine, I’ll be here,” Jacoby said.
Tristan smiled. “Don’t bother waiting up for us. We’re going to be back tomorrow.” He opened the hatch. “Come on Alex.” After an almost imperceptible flash of fear, Alex moved.
* * * * *
The walk through the forest was done in silence. Tristan wanted to tell Alex what he was planning, but he couldn’t find the words. He couldn’t find a way to say it so that Alex would understand how important this was, so it was without having said a word that they entered the small clearing and Tristan froze on seeing the cage.
He hadn’t expected it to be standing. For it to have survived this long was a demonstration of his father’s sense of priority. He’d used only the best material for it, while the cabin had been made of materials that the forest had almost completely reclaimed. He could just make out its shape through the moss and vines that had grown over it. Nothing had managed to take hold of the cage.
He felt his pulse speed up and calmed himself though willpower.
“What is this place?” Alex asked.
“This—” his voice cracked and made Alex stare at him. Tristan cleared his throat. “This is where I grew up.” He indicated the moss covered building. “My father’s cabin. Me and my brother lived here after he took us from our mother.”
“And that?”
Tristan didn’t look. He didn’t have to. What else would Alex be asking about?
He had trouble forming the words, his memory of the door slamming shut loud. The days spent begging to be let out, saying he’d never do whatever it was he’d done wrong that time.
“That’s the cage my father put me and my brother in anytime we did something wrong.” He was surprised at how steady his voice was. He wasn’t trying to be strong. He’d taken Alex here to be able to show him he allowed himself to feel now. “Or anytime he felt like it, really. I’m no longer sure he ever had a plan when it came to us, other than making sure we’d be survivors, like him.”
Alex gasped and for a moment Tristan knew he was seeing unguarded emotions from him. Dismay, pity, love. He saw Alex wanting to hold him, comfort him, and Tristan wanted that too. He wanted Alex to tell him that was I the past, done with, that he’d never have to endure anything like that again. But Alex’s face closed off and he was uncaring again.
Tristan’s heart broke, but not because he didn’t get what he wanted. He had done that to Alex. He hadn’t used a cage, but he’d done to him what his father had done to Tristan. He’d forced him to wall off anything he felt. To think his survival through, instead of living.
Alex looked around, then stepped to the cage. “I guess it makes sense it’s going to happen here.” He turned to face Tristan, managing one of the rare times when he kept any emotions from showing.
“What do you think is going to happen?” he tried to make his tone light, but Alex’s coldness kept it from happening.
“Don’t play games. I deserve that at least.”
“Alex, I don’t—”
“Just do it, okay?”
“Do what?”
“You brought me here to get rid of me, right? Makes sense you’re going to do it with the rest of your past. I’m just something else you’re leaving behind.”
“I’m not—”
“Stop it! Don’t you get it! I knew that was the price.” He threw a knife at Tristan’s feet and opened his shirt. “Just make it quick. You owe me that.”
Tristan looked at the knife, at the way Alex was exposing his heart, and he couldn’t find his voice. How could Alex think he’d ever do that?
How could he think anything else?
How often had Tristan screamed about killing him? How much had he raged at his inability to do so? What else would Alex think would happen once Tristan had control again? No wonder his attempt at connecting with Alex had only made the man wary. He’d seen it as a mask to get him to lower his guard.
Before Alex could react Tristan wrapped his arms around him and held him tight. “I’m not going to kill you, Alex.”
Alex fought against him. His protest muffled in Tristan’s fur. “You have to. I’m your weakness. I’m a threat to your survival.”
Tristan laughed. “I couldn’t kill you then, Alex. I don’t want to kill you now.” He released him and Alex spun, taking out two knives. Tristan could hear the hum of the vibro-blade.
“I’m going to make you do it, then. You have to survive. That’s all that matters.”
“You can’t make me do that Alex.”
Alex lunged at him. Moving fast, determined to force Tristan’s hand, but it wasn’t fast enough. He caught one hand, then the other spinning Alex so his back was pressed against his front.
“Stop it, Alex.” Alex screamed as he tried to break out of Tristan’s hold. “Please Alex. Just listen to me.” Alex screamed and fought harder.
Tristan let him go. By the time Alex had spun, Tristan what dropping his gun to the ground. He spread his arms and fixed Alex with his gaze. “I’m not going to fight you. You want to hurt me for the way I treated you. Go ahead.”
Alex’s anger shifted to confusion. “I can’t. I’m not allowed to hurt you.”
Something he’d taught Alex without meaning to, but it would have served his old self well. “I’m giving you permission, Alex. I mistreated you badly. You are entitled to retribution.”
“No! That isn’t how this works!” Alex paced in front of the cage as if he was trapped in it. Tristan had built a cage around Alex, one stronger than the polycarbon that composed the bars of the one behind him. One made of Alex’s own emotions.
“Things have changed Alex. I have changed.”
“No! That wasn’t the deal. You were supposed to be fixed!”
“To what?” Tristan snapped and Alex froze. “Alex, what was there in the old me that was worth having around? I was an uncaring monster.”
“I survived. I’m in the way of that.”
“I’m done surviving. Alex, don’t you get it? That’s what I got. That was my boon, not being set back to what I was. I was shown that it wasn’t worth going back to that. I don’t want to survive, I want to live, Alex. And I need you for that.”
Alex was trembling. He dropped his knives. “I don’t know what to do with that. You never taught me how to handle that.”
Tristan stepped to him and carefully pulled him against his chest. “I don’t know either, Alex. This is new territory for me. I never allowed myself to care for anyone before now.” He could feel the tears falling on his chest, and on his cheeks. He’d never thought there could be relief in that act. Tears had always been a sign he’d won. That he’d broken his opponent. Now, he felt more whole for doing it.
“Tristan, what happens now?”
Tristan took the time to go over everything the question implied. Where did they go? Who were they now? What was the dynamic between them moving forward? He didn’t know the answer to those questions, but he could answer the immediate one.
“I want you Alex.” His voice surprised him with how wistful it sounded. This was the first time he’d said it. “I want your body. I want you.”
Alex took a step back and Tristan let him go. “You mean?” The hope in those eyes was terrifying.
Tristan nodded, because he couldn't find the words.
Alex looked around and he pulled off his clothes and headed for the bed of moss in front of the cabin. Tristan watched him, lying there, trembling in excitement, before crouching next to him.
He wanted him so badly it hurt, but did he deserve him? That was the wrong question. Did he deserve to pleasure himself with him after the way he’d treated him. He looked at Alex’s back, at the scars on it. At how many of them were two of three small parallel lines. He placed a careful finger along one, and Alex bolted away from him, pulling his knees against his chest.
“What are you doing?” Alex asked. Tristan tried to find the words to explain something he barely understood himself. “I don’t want an act. Just take me. That’s how it goes.”
“I can’t take anymore, Alex. I’ve done too much of that.”
Alex shook his head vehemently. “You take what you want.”
Tristan looked at his hands. Saw all the things he’d done to Alex, everything he’d taken from him. “Not from you. Never again. Alex, I need to fix what I did to you. I don’t know how I’m going to do that, but I know I’m going to need your help. What do you want?”
“I want to feel you in me. I want you to take me.”
“Don’t you deserve more than that?”
“What does that fucking even mean?”
“Do you trust me?”
“Yes.” No hesitation. Tristan thought it was frightening how certain Alex was of that.
“Then please lie back down. Let me do this. Let me try and give back some of that I took from you.”
“I don’t want anything.”
“You deserve everything Alex. I want to start figuring out how I can give that to you.”
When Alex looked up fear filled his eyes. “If this is a game, and act, just tell me and bring it to an end, okay? I can’t. You can’t offer me this if you’re going to take it away.”
Tristan felt his throat constrict. “Alex,” the word was painful. “I will never put on an act for you. I will never lie to you. You’ve stayed by me when you had no reason to do so. I don’t deserve you.” Alex opened his mouth, but Tristan silenced him with a hand. “I don’t. I’ve mistreated you more than anyone deserves. I can’t take that back, but I can try to give back to you. Alex I want to give you everything I can. I want to be worthy of having you at my side.”
“And you want to do that by touching me?”
“I want to give you what you want, but more. You want me to take you. I want to earn the right to do it.”
“You have it.”
“No. Alex, please, let me do this. Let me try to do this right.”
Alex hesitated, but he lied down in front of Tristan.
“Thank you.” When he traced a finger along the scar Alex trembled. Tristan forced himself to remember the ways he’d hurt Alex, from the first time he’d forced himself on him, to the physical pain he’d caused him. He marveled that Alex had endured all that.
“Tristan?” Alex asked after a tear fell on his back. He sounded worried.
“It’s okay.” He leaned in and licked the tear off. Then he licked Alex’s neck and down his back, then between his cheeks, preparing him. Alex moaned and shuddered.
When Tristan lied on top of him, he moved slowly. Listening to Alex and how his body reacted. He knew what Alex was capable of enduring, but this was about pleasing him. Once fully in he rolled them to their sides and held Alex as he moved. He licked his neck, nipped at his ears, looking for the spots that made him gasp in pleasure, moan and ask for more. Tristan moved only as the speed Alex’s body demanded. He ignored what wanted, letting Alex tell him, either by voice or by the way he reacted, how fast or slow he wanted it.
When finally he climaxed, Tristan was exhausted, but satisfied in a way he’d never felt before. Alex was panting too. How had he not known sex could feel like this? He’d done it often enough, but it had never been this enjoyable. He’d never wanted to do it again right after.
Alex placed a hand on Tristan’s arm and squeezed it. The gesture made Tristan’s breath catch. He wanted Alex to squeeze his arm like that forever. He wanted to feel his smooth skin under his hand, against his fur. He wanted to breathe in his scent. He could stay like this until the universe came for him.
His free hand moved against Alex’s stomach, feeling the firm muscles of his abs and something wet rubbed against the back of his hand. Looking down Alex’s front he saw that he’d forgotten something. No, he hadn’t forgotten it, he could forgive himself for having gotten carried away in what they did. He hadn’t even considered pleasuring Alex this way.
Gently he pulled out and rolled Alex on his back. Alex was looking at him a gentle smile on his face. The smile vanished as Tristan licked between his legs.
“Tristan,” he gasped. “You don’t—” A moan cut off the word as Tristan swallowed his length, slicking it.
“I do,” he whispered, moving to straddle Alex’s hips. With a hand he held the erection in place as he lowered himself on it. This was as painful as he remembered.
“Stop. Tristan, stop. You don’t have to do this.”
“I do.” He kept his voice steady, in spite of the pain. He ignored Alex’s protest until he was seated down, panting. He opened his eyes and Alex was looking back at him with a mix of worry and lust.
“You don’t have to hurt yourself for this.”
“It’s just pain. If it brings you pleasure, I can endure it.”
Alex rolled his eyes. “Did my pain ever bring you pleasure?”
Tristan looked away. “Sometimes, at first. When I thought you were purposely trying to make me want you. Your pain felt like a way of asserting my power over you.”
Alex nodded. “I don’t need to assert anything over you.”
“I want to give—”
“You can’t give me something I don’t want. That isn’t how it works.” The words were strangely gentle for the rebuked Tristan knew them to be.
Tristan slowly rocked. “Then I’ll make sure this doesn’t cause me pain the next time.”
Alex moaned an incomprehensible reply and Tristan picked up speed. This didn’t overwhelm him as much, so he was able to watch Alex’s reaction and he found that the pleasure he saw on his face, felt through his body and heard made the act not only pleasurable, but desirable. He’d never felt this when a job had required he let a man take him this way. Even when Alex had done it, Tristan had been someone else, and the reactions had been fabricated.
This was him. He was causing Alex to moan, gasp and look at him with such intensity Tristan couldn't look away. He wanted to make him do this over an over. It ended too quickly, with Alex screaming his pleasure loud enough to chase the birds and small animals away.
