Dreams of Chaos
Warning, this is not a story, this is not meant to be pawed to or enjoyed in a sexual fashion, this is something I put together this morning after a dream, it represents how i feel inside and what I hide from the world, it IS insane ramblings of a Fennec Fox so be fairly warned.
Ramblings By: Threeinone
Every time I close my eyes he comes. The darkness slowly creeping in, slowly finding it's way to me. Visions of death, destruction, pain. I taste the blood, not my own but that of all I could hurt. It's Chaos, as if Chaos was corporal. Chaos as a living breathing form, bent on the end to all I hold close.
I Dream of him, of the Chaos, I don't want to but I can't help it. I see him ripping, I see him tearing, I see him laughing at the end of innocents. He is evil, he is death, he want nothing more then to destroy the order of everything and takes pleasure in the pain of others. Is he a part of me, or am I just insane?
I feel him building, growing stronger, every day it's harder and harder to burry him, to hide him, but I try. I try and hide his face from the world, so few have seen him, and all who have fear him... fear me. Why do I think this way? Why must I burry these strong feelings so deep inside, hiding them from the light to protect the ones I love... Where did he come from?
I fight and fight but feel I can never win, Chaos always wins in the end, it's a law of nature, so whats the point in fighting it? Why shouldn't I give in, do as he wants, kill, maim, murder, destroy? Why shouldn't I be the monster I feel I am inside? Because I know it's wrong? Because I love my friends and family? Do I? I'm not sure anymore.
Always a struggle between what my mind wants to do and what I feel is right. Chaos, always my first choice, killing, death, pain... Why must I want to cause so much pain? Why do I feel giddy when I hear of death, why must I laugh as I watch someone in pain? Am I a monster?
I know he isn’t me... he is another voice, one of many. But why must his voice be so tempting? Why must his words ring so loudly in my ear... He whispers, he speaks so smoothly, so intelligently, but I know his tricks, I've used them myself. The power to convince, show others your point of view by implanting it as their own idea, an art....
I've done bad things.. horrible things.. He's insisted.. I've tried to fight it... Can I ever win? Or will he always be here, always watching and waiting for the chance to take control... What am I without him? What am I with him? I don't know... a Demon? A Devil? A god... Longing for power, for the ability to enact Chaos, to hurt anyone in his way. Why does that sound so pleasing?
In truth, I've held him back most of my life, the dark impulses, the evil that is me. He's become part of who I am, and maybe I should accept that. Continue fighting him, knowing it's the right thing to do. He is me and I am him, we are darkness, pain, suffering, but that doesn’t mean I must act on his impulses, it doesn’t mean I have to appear evil to the world. But we are destined to Chaos, and Me and him will have front row seating.
In the end, he is inside me, and this all seems as crazy ramblings, and maybe it is. But sometimes you just have to tell, have to show the world what you are on the inside, just to keep living with yourself, day by day. This is me, I hate myself, I fight myself, I talk and argue with myself, I am Threeinone, born from fire and chaos, struggling to keep a seance of honor in the world, and I am, at least part of me, evil.
