Page x: probably won't post any of the other pages. This page was hard to handle.
This is a continuation from the last page. Although I'm certain that the death of my mom is a main factor as to where my brain thinking everything will kill me has come from, I also believe it included my environment growing up from before this time as well. That's a different story i won't share, though. I can tell you for sure that my anxiety being set off into absolute paranoia associated with being killed/dying via injury/illness happened extremely strongly after her passing. The paranoia of [being killed by strangers/people/creatures] was already established much earlier and emphasized after that.
The whole thing was an extremely painful time. I basically watched my mother slowly die for two years and finally give up. Someone who was so strong and caring now shriveling, crying, unable to walk barely, and finally unable to talk. Her last day she let us feed her some icecream. The house I lived in became a hoarder house. I didn't and still don't want to go to family events. Any mention of Mothers, Motherhood, or my Mom is hard as hell. Including typing any of this. And beyond that, I've lost more than just my mom to slow deaths like this, and I can smell it. It's a nauseating scent. It's different than the scent of death from hunting or something that died quickly. The smell of dying from sickness is stuck with me always recognizable. It smells the same every time to me.
[My cat just stopped me here to make sure I'm fine. She's chittering at me and trying to keep my attention. Sorry Cabbage, I'm fine. Thank you.] I should probably stop typing here then even if its not finished. Guess I'll end with this is also a reason I often blacklist tags: horse+[its bodyparts] and MLP, soft_vore, hyper_[anything], pregnancy. They get associated to mother[hood] and/or illness and often make me nearly vomit. ((Sucks that vore and hyper content are both one of the most common fetishes drawn in art, and also one of the most commonly placed into the General ratings everywhere.))
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