Duo B-day

Medium (920px wide max)

Wide - use max window width - scroll to see page ⇅

Fit all of image in window

set default image size: small | medium | wide

Download (new tab)

by NotHyperion

Scraps

Me and this fine snep happen to have the exact same date of birth, even down to the year~ Quite fun how life is, eh?

I will go on and pretend this day never happened. Though I don't personally believe birthdays are a big deal, I am not one of the stereotypical "I'm so tough" people that go around pretending birthdays are dumb and immature and don't want to be celebrated or celebrate other's. I am rather chill.... I will say though, there's a certain someone I wish cared enough to send a little text. Birthdays are fun.
However, regardless of what we compare it to, today was a disaster of my own making. I am not happy with myself, and I'm tired of not knowing what to do or believe, of feeling like things are finally coming together just to break down in a couple of weeks or less.
Yes, today was particularly awful...but in the end, I'm a year older.
Am I doing things right? Am I enough? Am I right? If you were to ask me, I'd answer all of those negatively, and I'm at that spot where living with yourself is the harder than anything else.
I was born into quite a mess. Family debt, a father that passed when I was young, among many other. I won't pretend for a second I have it half as hard as most people out there, if anything my life is and has always been tremendously blessed. BUt if I've learnt something over the years is that pain is pain to whoever feels it, there is no point in comparing oneself...sure, I could be disabled, I could be on the streets, I could've been neglected or even worse things.
But I suppose my pain is my pain, and I feel it for real.
Not to victimize or justify, All I'm saying is I'm tired once again.
I will wake up tomorrow and pretend this day didn't happen. Maybe I'll slap my hands together and ask God for help, maybe I'll get in the lotus posture and ask the universe, or draw a glyph with my blood and do a little chant, who knows. I wish birthdays wishes came true. Perhaps some do.
Things I wish I hadn't done, and some I wish I would, if there is one thing that defines me as an individual is guilt. I feel so guilty for all I did to my family, I feel so guilty for letting myself get raped, I feel so guilty for not doing more, for not being a better artist, for doing mroe effort, for not having a "real" job or at least giving my best in the one I pretend to have. No one ever really knows what goes on behind one's screen, whatever the one writting the words you read might be going through, and that goes for everyone. I'll be ok, but as of right now I'm not. One day I'll brush this all off, this will all be just a memory, perhaps a bad one, perhaps one day I'll tell how much I learnt from it.
I am 22 now, and I'm just as lost as I was some months ago, and the faith I said was unbreakable is shaking. Not broken yet though, and I hope it doesn't, if it does I'll not only be a failure and a disappointment, but also a liar.

Hart hasn't spoken with me lately, wouldn't be surprised if even he is giving up now. He could never, could he?

Keywords