I need to go back to the very beginning, for any of this to remotely make sense, even though I'll do my best to keep it unclear, because keeping it unclear is cool. Though there are some things I will say that were ambiguous up to now, for example, the machine.
'The machine' was Always Hart. A metallic beast that follows...back then there was no heart, though. Npw there is, sure, but I'm getting ahead of myself.
Do you know what that word means? Good.
Turns out I am the kind of person that longed for it. While the world bombarded me with the exact same as anyone else, I was breaking inside a metal cage. Cage that didn't keep me from breaking everyone around it, oh how heartbreaking it was for everyone.
Paradoxically I was locked so nothing could hurt me, keeping the demons away, but there was one essential thing it couldn't protect me from, and that sadly was myself. I still had nails, I still had teeth, and oh, how those make you bleed...
The world outside the cage was so pretty, everything most people would want. Perhaps you've heard how even the most rich people sometimes kill themselves or live in their own metal cages, because the conditions of life might be perfect, but when the mind isn't, nothing really matters.
In any case, for me, nothing was better than a place left behind, something that should be busting with life but isn't. I daydreamed of the city being empty as I walked, I was lost in my own head while taking the bus to college, thinking how amazing it would be if I was the only one there.
There was, and there always will be, so much noise...so much noise.
Dreams were the only thing that would give me any joy. I was dead while I was awake, tormented by images my own mind showed me and voices I heard over my shoulder, but when I went to bed my mind showed me the most amazing worlds and stories. I would long for the moment I would flop in bed and sleep, because I knew I was always in for a treat, and I wouldn't be scared most of the times.
Hah, tell that to the one who had to shake me awake so I stopped screaming...
Quetiapine was kind of convenient, in a way. It was a disgusting curse, truly, but if we're looking at the bright side, it made me sleep for aroundd 16 hours each day. My life crumbled, bye beloved, bye college, bye life, I was locked in a room either asleep or completely numb.
It makes me cry just recalling it, so let's stop it there.
The point is, I spent a lot of time in my dreams. It was interesting to think about, why did my mind treat me so amazingly when I was inside it in a dream, but killed me every waking hour? I have no answer to this day.
My dreams became longer, which was amazing. Over time I learned to control them.
It reached a point were I wondered...how far can I go in a lucid dream?
I thought to myself that the best test would be creating an entire world, and so I did. Just how I liked it, just what I longed for....
I burrowed some style choices from my favorite movies, surely there is nothing 100% original under the sun...
A massive city, completely dead. I don't know why that was what I would die for, but it indeed was. No lights on aside from the boulevard, no beach but an endless ocean without waves, no people but an endless straight street and massive buildings, no sun, and an endless dark sky full of clouds. I wept, it was too beautiful, for it felt as real as the waking day.
And I could walk, endlessly, down the street, looking at the water and the sky...with what was for the first time in years an honest smile, and also the infinite sadness of knowing I was to wake up again.
, ambiguous gender
6 months, 3 weeks ago
24 Oct 2021 10:37 CEST
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