sometimes i spend nights trying to find anywhere on earth that i'd be able to call home, anywhere i'd feel safe with/from the thoughts in my head. y'know the type. the ones you can't talk about. the ones that alienate you from the majority of your own species.
but there isn't anywhere like that, not that i've found anyway.
i've been thinking a lot about my childhood recently, and what i'd give to just go back to that preschool, not a care in the world. i didn't have any problems yet. sometime during my years in elementary school i started noticing i was different from other kids. dumber. i couldn't do what they could, and that was the start of the end for me. life kept getting worse and worse and i had no clue why. got raped by my friend at 11 and i thought that was one of the best things that ever happened to me for several years after, not that it really matters i guess? school was always bad for me but i've been out of that for a few years now.
so that leaves me where i am now, and where i have been for the past two years or so since i started to figure shit out about myself. alienated, only tethered down to life by the few people i can truly call friends. i don't think i've completely lost it yet but i'm always teetering on that edge. i'm pretty happy i didn't kill myself last year since that means i can still spend time with my bf and make cool art.
i dreamed about a dead bird last night, wonder if that was a sign.
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3 years, 6 months ago
17 Jul 2021 21:04 CEST
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