*WARNING* This story contains sexual content so it is intended for mature audiences only. You must me 18+ to read this story.
The next day was supposed to be normal. I was supposed to talk to Tyler about what had happened to me, because I didn’t get the chance the day before. It wasn’t fair. It’s not fair.
When I arrived at school, I noticed people were staring at me. This wasn’t uncommon, but usually only happened when I had Tyler at my side. For the first time, people stares, faces, and whispers un-nerved me. It didn’t feel right.
“Christian!” I heard from down the hall.
I turned to see the school councillor staring at me, similar to the way the students were. I had never seen him out of his office, and he wanted to see me. I walked over to him. By now I realised his face was just as perplexed as mine.
“How… are you?” He asked me cautiously.
“Fine, why?” I responded giving him an awkward smile.
He gave me a frown, then guided me to his office. When I sat down all I could feel was chills. I had no idea what he wanted.
My heart stopped, I couldn’t breathe. I felt like screaming, but nothing came out. It was like having a bad dream, but it was very real. Tyler had committed suicide last night. And I might has well have been the last one to hear. Tears streamed down my face. I felt like I was going to pass out, or puke. All I could hear was his voice, him telling me that he loved me. I remembered when he gave me the locket I was wearing now. All I wanted now was to feel him, for him to run his paw through my fur and tell me it that it was ok. But it wasn’t. He was gone and I couldn’t have him.
I fell over and curled up on the floor, sobbing loudly. This was no place for me to find out. I could hear the councillor talking to me, trying to comfort me. I didn’t want his comfort, I wanted Tyler’s.
My parents still hadn’t come home from their trip, and I wanted nothing more than to go home. Sara walked into the office were I was now sitting upright, still crying. She offered to drive me home and take care of me for the rest of the day. I didn’t want her to, but I had no choice. I got up and left the office with her. It was difficult, but I held the tears back until we got outside. The last thing I wanted to do was give my peers the satisfaction of me having a scene in the middle of the hallway. I felt that they all planned for this to happen. They wanted him to die and for me to hurt.
I didn’t need to hold back once we were in her car. I cried and sobbed all the way back to my house. She helped me out of the car and to my door. I sat down on the couch were just two nights ago, I was snuggling up with him watching a movie. This memory made me cry more.
“Get out!” I screamed at Sara when she walked in with a glass of water for me.
It was her boyfriend that hit him. If he hadn’t I wouldn’t be here, crying.
“I’m not leaving you by yourself!” She responded angrily.
“I don’t need you here.” I snarled. This didn’t affect her.
She put the water down for me, then went back into the kitchen. I could hear her making soup. I didn’t care. Eating was the last thing on my mind. I laid down on the couch, and tried to sleep. Somehow, I managed to have a nap. When I woke up, the fur on my face was still soaked. I glanced up to see there was a bowl of warm soup on the table. I looked around the room to see Sara had also fallen asleep. I immediately remembered what had happened and started crying again. I started to eat some soup to try and get my mind off it. That didn’t work.
“How are you feeling?” She asked softly.
I know this was meant to be a compassionate question, but I filled up with rage. I gave her a sharp and angry look. I looked into her eyes and noticed that she too had been crying. That’s when I remembered that Tyler was her friend as well. I didn't even think about who else he left behind. We started talking about what happened. She knew more about what happened yesterday than anyone.
Darren, her boyfriend, was the one who hit Tyler, like he said. But she was the only one who knew why. The night before, Sara was talking about what I said to her friend. Darren made an extremely rude comment about me which set her off. They had an argument and broke up. She kicked him out of her house. They broke up because she was sticking up for me. Darren, obviously pissed off, took out his rage towards me on Tyler.
I couldn’t believe what she told me. She just told me, without meaning to, that it was my fault Tyler killed himself. That if I didn’t have such a big mouth, he would still be here. I couldn’t handle this. Sara eventually left, leaving me alone until my parents arrived this evening.
********1 week later*********
After a week, I decided to go back to school. It was hard, deciding to back to face my fellow student, who are likely completely over the fact that someone from their school died and are now all over the newest juicy gossip. High School.
When I walked in through the front doors, my jaw dropped. There were posters all over the school. Most of them were directed to gay pride and anti-homophobia. But the ones that caught my eye were the ones that said Rest In Peace Tyler Barlow. Shirts, wristbands, the works, were all being worn by students. I couldn’t believe it. I was furious.
I gave angry looks to all the people who said hi to me. I knew none of their names. They only knew me as the “last surviving gay” at the school. I arrived at my locker, opened it, and an envelope fell out. I remembered, when I last saw Ty, he was holding an envelope. I started crying right there. I heard whispers behind me. One girl approached me, and I politely told her to leave me be. I left the letter in my locker, and grabbed it at the end of the day.
The whole day at school was completely upside down. People smiled at me, said hello, and offered to help me with my work. This made me even angrier than I already was. “Why now?” I asked myself. “Why did it take someone to die to let there be equal rights for gays and lesbians?” It was so confusing to me. I couldn’t wait to get home.
When I got home, I took care of everything that had to be done. We ate dinner, then I went to my room for the night. I went into my bag to pull out the letter. I was afraid to read it, but I had to.
Dear Christian,
If you’re reading this now, I’m gone. And you are probably crying right now. (I was) I know you are upset that I left you, and you feel like it’s not fair, but I just couldn’t do it anymore. You have this way of telling bullies that they can’t touch you, you flick them away like flies. I wish that I had your strength, so I wouldn’t have to do this. Even the stares that we get, they’re just too much. You know how self-conscious I am. I want you to move on without me. I want you to find someone else, someone who doesn’t care about everyone else just like you. I’m sorry that I couldn’t be that guy. I just want you to know that it’s not your fault, and that I love you. I always have, and always will. Remember me, your love, Tyler.
I was shocked. I felt the feeling I had when I was told that he killed himself. There was nothing but pain in me, and I wanted it to stop. Why would he want me to move on? All I wanted was him. This was extremely unfair.
********3 Months later*********
A few months passed, then the time came for his funeral. His whole family was there. By then, I had met most of them. The funeral was supposed to happen sooner, but nobody had the will to go, and none of his family could even think of preparing it. I took some of the responsibility to myself and shared it with his parents. Everyone was still grieving, it was extremely difficult to see all his family cry, like I had been.
At the funeral, I gave a speech. I introduced myself to the members of his family that didn’t know me. I told them about us. Most of it was about him, and what he was to me. The other speeches were hard to listen to. I learned a lot about when Tyler was still a puppy. His sister, Annie, gave a speech about me. She spoke of the kind of things he would say about me. How I made him strong. I missed him so much.
School the next day was harder than it had been in a while. It’s June now. Now is the time seniors say goodbye to their friends, which I made a lot of. At the end of the day, I got a chill down my spine. Right now is when he would meet me at my locker and greet me with a kiss. It’s been difficult, but I have started to move on. Even after yesterday, I now miss him more. But now it’s time to let go.
The End.
