American Mustelid Alpha
Episode 1, Part 1, "I'll End Them Myself If I Have To"
February 17, 2020
Miami, Florida
6:30 AM
It’s the break of dawn. A number of burly mustelids, dressed in casual clothes, are waiting in a long line before a white single-deck coach bus. Some of them are yawning, clearly fazed by the early wake-up call, while others are watching around and staring earnestly at their fellow passengers as a few handlers are about to load several suitcases and gym bags in the trunk of the bus. While there is small chatter between some, the great majority keeps to themselves, trying to guess what to expect from the experience that is to come.
“All the way in the back, let’s go!”
A middle-aged panda dressed in a driver’s uniform starts yelling and motioning at the men to head in. One by one they get into the bus, filling the seats without much to say. The camera pans on a young weasel sitting near the front, dressed in a camo shirt and heavy duty trousers.
“Of course there’s part of me that’s all like, what even did ah sign up to? But every time ah look at the end prize, it becomes easy just think of myself gettin’ m’ paws around it and git energized back again.”
~Noah, 19, Long-Tailed Weasel, Farmer
A heavily tattooed otter sporting a thick beard and large ear gauges is shown as he stares out of the window, not bothering to acknowledge the fellow mustelid who sat next to him.
“I didn’t leave San Joaquin and my kid for a Florida vacation. Thirty, forty, a hundred fellas in here? I don’t care, this competition’s mine to take.”
~Crispin, 29, European Otter, Bouncer
The bus takes off, rolling out from the empty hotel parking towards an interstate. Inside, most of the guys are minding to themselves, some resting or taking a nap, others clearly too excited to sleep, letting the thrill of expectation rush through themselves instead.
“This is the kind of experience you get only once in a lifetime. I feel like I’ve trained my entire life for this, and I’m chomping at the bit to prove it to the whole nation.”
~Malcolm, 27, Fisher, FedEx Store Manager
“I got a lot to prove to myself, and being in here provides the perfect opportunity for me to ravage through and achieve what I truly feel is mine for the taking, the title of the strongest of all.”
~Duke, 29, Hooded Skunk, Club Promoter
The camera follows the bus heading out on mostly empty streets, before zooming out and then in towards a warehouse in the middle of the Floridian backswamp. Outside, a tough-looking stoat dressed in a grey muscle shirt and blue shorts is waiting, paws on his hips, looking towards the horizon as he turns to the camera.
“Forty-five valiant souls are ready to take part in the challenge of their lives,” he says. “We’ve found some of the toughest and gnarliest everyday mustelids in America, all on their way right here, a military hangar in Apopka, Florida. Many will give everything they got on a grueling set of challenges over the next couple of days, but only twelve of these forty-five will get the chance to compete in the greatest mustelid throwdown ever seen on television...”
The guys on the bus are gradually starting to unwind. A mohawked hog badger is sleeping in a weird position, his legs propped on the seat in front of him. A few young otters in the left row are already chit-chatting and trading smiles. A stoat with shaven hair and a pencil-thin moustache, clad in a “Viva Mexico” dark green tank top, looks ostentatiously ahead of him.
“They’ll get to live here at The Burrow; a two-story bachelor pad with every fixture and trapping a young man can dream of,” the stoat says, as the camera briefly hovers towards a lavish country mansion in the distance. “They’ll prove themselves in different types of challenges: Teams, where they’ll have to prove their cooperation and leadership skills. Individual challenges, where they’ll showcase their own strengths in order to prevail among the rest. And once it’s all said and done, the bottom two will take on a grueling Duel for one final chance to stay. Lose the Duel, you’re out of the game for good.”
A slightly older least weasel with slicked back chocolate brown hair attempts to introduce himself to his seat neighbor, a burly wolverine who scoffs and looks back at the window instead. On the other side of the bus, a group has already started chatting about CrossFit, an easy icebreaker.
“A lot of people are forming cliques, others playing hard to crack… Overall, everyone’s putting a façade to impress others.” *the marbled polecat is shown looking pensively at the few younger furs sitting ahead of him* “Let them do as they want, I say. They don’t know it yet, but I’m the number one here.”
~Omar, 26, Marbled Polecat, Arabic Interpreter
“I’m here to represent myself, my family and all Honduran-Americans out there.” *the weasel decides to let the wolverine be, leaning back on his seat with a focused grin on his face* “Ready to show the nation I can be the Alpha.”
~William, 34, Least Weasel, Personal Trainer
“It will take strength, resilience, ability and the capacity to command respect among your peers to show you are a true leader and to beat the grueling Gauntlet that awaits the final two standing. In the end, only one will take home a grand cash prize of $250,000, the attention of the nation, and the right to call themselves the ultimate mustelid around,” the stoat says. “I’m Ludwig Logemann, and this is American Mustelid Alpha.”
Apopka, Florida
11:00 AM
“Uh oh, looks like they’re here...” Ludwig smirks.
The bus starts rolling down the small road leading to the hangar and past the front gate. It eventually slows to a halt on the main court, right in front of the stoat. One by one, the contestants jump out, stretching out their legs as they crowd up the courtyard. Eventually they end up in a big huddle, all facing Ludwig. There’s otters, badgers, stoats, weasels, ferrets… young and older, rough and polished, pretty much all flavors of mustelid strength and confidence.
“Long ride, eh?” Ludwig asks the group, to which a number of them nod and smile. “I’m happy to welcome y’all here to Apopka, the home of this show for the next thirty days; you all are the very first to dive deep into this experience. You excited to begin?”
The entire group explodes in a cheer. A honey badger with tight cornrows, clad in a red Racine Fire Department T-shirt hugging his broad form like a second skin, yells “Right on!” to the grins and head shakes of the others.
“I’m the 1% of all firefighters in America...I’ve done it all, from EMS to high stress calls to underwater rescue dives. I won a Wisconsin state award for my services, so I don’t think it’s presumptuous of me to assume I’m among the top dogs in this class.”
~Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter
“Right now we cannot go through all of the guys in here, so, random pick...” Ludwig eyes the group, before pointing out at one in particular - a rowdy-looking hog badger wearing a “Boss Hog” anthracite gym shirt and slightly dirty combat trousers. “You, neon green mohawk. What’s your name and what brings you here?”
“Name’s Zakee, but they all call me Greasy Z…” the guy says with a massive grin, a couple chipped fangs denting his smile. “I’m a car mechanic from Porter, Texas, and I’m here to show all of these fellas who’s boss!” he yells, pointing at his shirt and thumping his chest. Many of the contestants laugh at Zakee’s boast, while others shake their head or frown their muzzles in mocking smirks.
“You think you got what it takes to win this competition?” Ludwig asks.
“DAMN RIGHT I do!” Zakee retorts, his loud, booming voice tone startling a few contestants. “I’ve taken on the toughest obstacle courses in the nation, what’s a little tussle with these people?’”
The Mexican stoat from before is shown shaking his head at the hog badger’s statement of intent. “Someone seems to be cringing, Z,” Ludwig points at the stoat with a subtle smirk, clearly amused by his reaction. “What you got to say, Mexico?”
“Name’s Diego, forklift operator and amateur boxer,” the stoat nods in a slightly accented English. “Where I come from, people like him are, well... pendejos. All that is hot air, and will burst out as soon as we out there.”
“Well I-I mean, that’s on him,” Z shrugs, clearly on the defensive. “I’m the realest guy here, give or take. Either you jump on my train now, or I’ll roll through ya later,” he scoffs.
“Whatever… pendejo,” Diego shrugs, defiantly crossing paws over his chest. Some of the guys jeer and wolf-whistle at the challenge issued by the stoat.
“This is gonna be fun, I can tell...” A badger named Kenneth, long dark hair pulled back in a man bun and a CrossFit-themed tank top quips once the chatter dies down.
“Before we start with the program, I’d like to walk you through some quick facts about the entire group. There’s 45 people here, as young as nineteen years old…” Ludwig says, abruptly stopping as a few of the contestants start openly chuckling. The camera focuses on Noah, the young weasel farmer from Tennessee - his ears clearly dropping in shame to the sneering catcalls of his opponents.
“Least mah joints don’t sound when ah wake up in the darn mornin’...” Noah mutters, albeit loud enough to be heard, shaking off the taunts of the horde.
“...and as old, if I may say so, as forty-five.” Casey, a grayish middle-aged river otter, shakes a fist in agreement as a few others politely clap.
“Plenty furs here will just go up and say I don’t have what it takes pretty much ‘cause of age. But at 45, and with loads of military experience under my belt, I’m still the strongest otter in the nation, and I know I can prove it.”
~Casey, 45, Northern American River Otter, U.S. Army Sergeant
“We got some college students in the fray… show of hands?” Three people raise their paws: a young, lithe otter with striking blue eyes and a fishbone necklace dangling on his chest, a polecat in a yellow Latter Day Saints shirt and a big, boisterous skunk-like mammal with exotic striping, flexing his muscular arms as he yells in agreement.
“People will see me as some dumb football jock from Louisiana, but I got the guns and the good looks to get away with it.” *laughs broadly* “Bring it on, I say!”
~Dalton, 22, Zorilla, College Football Player
“...But young, old, lutrine, skunks, badgers, city, country, none of that will matter,” Ludwig gestures. “What’s important is the prize at stake. You probably know it, but let me refresh you on the big prize: one of you will win the title of American Mustelid Alpha, and with that, a quarter of a million dollars...” The entire group yells at the top of their lungs as soon as the sum is mentioned, easily drowning out the host’s spiel. Some of them can barely contain their excitement.
“When Ludwig tells us about the cash prize, I can’t help but go absolutely bananas at that kinda figure. Man, two hundred and fifty thousand bucks is a whole lot - enough to pay off all of my college debts and potentially get me on the road to a PhD.”
~J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager
“With my kind of job in Alaska, I can only work for half a year if I’m lucky; the money is enough motivation for sure. These kids will have to step over my dead frozen body in order to take this from me.”
~Tyler G., 38, Wolverine, Dockworker
“I see you thinking ‘Now, he’s talking!’, right?” Ludwig says with a smirk, to which many nod in agreement. “So let me cut it clear for a second, folks. There’s forty-five of you standing in front of me, but at the end of the day, only twenty-four of you will be still vying for the title. For the first cut, we’re gonna test your general fitness with the most classic military screening test there is. Something… simple, yet effective, and designed to whittle down the wannabe Alphas from who’s along for the ride. I’m talking about the Navy SEAL Physical Screening Test.”
Some people confidently nod and yell “Bring it on!”, while others look decidedly more worried. The camera pans on a tough-looking giant otter clad in a neon green and black training shirt, a massive grin forming on his face. Next to him, a shorter, wiry ferret has a similar reaction.
“Now I know for sure I got this in the bag. This test I took exactly fourteen years ago when I applied to join the SEALs, and though it’s been a while since I’ve gone civilian mode, I know I can still kick major ass at this.”
~Eddie, 32, Giant Otter, Demolition Foreman
“Boom. I got this. I’m an Army brat with plenty of family in the Navy, so you bet I had the training setup and something extra to go with it. This’ll be a breeze!”
~Declan, 34, Ferret, Intelligence Research Specialist
“The way it works is very simple: you’re gonna perform through five basic fitness tests - pretty sure you all know what basic calisthenics and cardio is... We will go over each of the five tests in different stages. After we’re wrapped up, we’ll calculate your average score, and the top 24 contestants will go on to the next round. And the rest… the bus will wait here for you...” Ludwig snarks. By now, most of the contestants are struggling to contain their excitement, hooting and hollering as they shake out their limbs.
“How hard can it be? I do all that and still got energy to saddle up, get in the chute and hassle a bull every Saturday night, much more frequently in the season. I got this.”
~Alec, 30, Ferret, Bull Rider
“Oh, one more thing...” the stoat smirks, as the whole group falls silent. “Just like the SEALs, we have established a minimum target score to achieve on every stage. If any of you fail to achieve that goal in even a single test, you will be instantly eliminated from the competition, no matter how you’ve performed in the others. Out for good.”
The sheer amount of pressure looms over the crowd. The chatter and playful whoops die down, as most of the contestants look up with a determined grin on their muzzles.
“So here’s how we’ll do this. Back in the hangar you’ll find a changing room, with all the supplies you need to complete today’s tasks.” The camera shifts to an indoor set, a mock locker room where forty-five sets of training apparel are waiting for the contestants. Plain white gym shirts and black shorts lie next to one another, with a number and the name of each contestant printed on the front.
“Right now, to me, you’re just a number and the name on your chest - it’s up to you to prove you got the strength, endurance and will power to earn your spot in the next round,” Ludwig addresses the group. “But I feel like we’ve talked enough, don’t you think? Go head to your barracks, get used to the living spaces, get changed and we will meet up in a few...”
***
The mustelids file into the changing room, each scurrying to find their own spot and bunch of supplies. Once they’ve found their own, they start undressing and changing into their training clothes - small crowds forming as they finally get to know each other, such as it is bound to happen in every locker room.
The few younger otters who had started familiarizing on the bus early on immediately gravitate to each other. “Rudder nation, eh?” J.J., the curly haired, short lutrine from Denver, says as he takes off his Colorado Triathlon shirt.
“You betcha, dude,” Theo, a young lifeguard from Florida, earnestly agrees as he playfully flexes his broad tanned shoulders. “We’re in until the end, guys. As long as we stick together and watch out for each other, this school of fish will go forward as one.”
“If there really is a swimming event…” J.J. says excitedly, picking up a swimsuit and a black rubber cap with #15 printed on it, “...nobody can stick it to us. That’s ours for the taking.”
Akiva, the cute college student who’d stepped out earlier on when called by Ludwig, nods in agreement as he unclasps his necklace. “You guys swim as well? I do it all, from swimming to snorkeling to free diving. I’m a creature of the sea through and through,” he says cheerily, turning around to show a small anchor tattoo in the middle of his back. He brings his paws behind the head to roll out his shoulders, then flexes his hips like an exotic dancer, displaying his lutrine suppleness.
“How cute,” Toby, a muscular river otter from Michigan, can’t help but snicker at Akiva’s playful display.
“Thanks, I aim to please…” Smiling cheekily, Akiva straightens upright and puts on his training shirt, the number 32 striking against the white fabric.
“There’s a few of us younger otters with similar backgrounds, and it took little time for us to become fast friends. While a lot of the older guys are acting tough and dismissive of us youngsters, it’s nice to see you can find some buddies among this group.”
~#32 Akiva, 22, Marine Otter, Business College Student
“People tend to gravitate to me in real life, and I’m all for letting it happen here as well, I’m all about being cool… as long as that title goes straight in my pocket. *all six otters are shown bringing the tip of their rudders together and shaking down* It pays to be friendly, but it doesn’t pay as much as a quarter million!”
~#15 J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager
Overall, there is little chance for others to get to know each other beyond the surface level, most knowing full well half of the guys would be goners by the end of the day. As they slowly ditch their usual wear, more and more topics of discussion come to light.
“So, what’s with the janky footpaw, Tyler?” Z asks, getting out of his “Boss Hog” custom T-Shirt and chucking it in his corner with little care. The large wolverine is changing out of his boots, showing the ring and pinky digits of his left foot were missing. “I take some grizzly had a couple ‘rine toes for dinner?” the hog badger smirks, barely put off by the wolverine’s leer.
“Watch it, pig,” the massive, stocky Alaskan wolverine retorts, rolling his eyes as he slips on his running socks. “Your continental self wouldn’t even make it alive out of work accidents where I come from...”
"Hey, just sayin’…" Zakee shrugs. "I know a guy who got stepped on by a semi that looks just like that tho. And I ain't much to talk myself, but won't tell ya which teeth are fake…"
“You ain’t the only one with a scar… look at this...” Alec, the rodeo athlete ferret, rolls up his sleeve - showing a pretty gnarly patch of missing fur on the inside of his arm. “Try surviving a horn like that!” the group laughs, with more surrounding guys adding to their own scar stories.
“You ain’t seen nothing yet, dudes.” Eddie, the former Navy SEAL, lifts the hem of his training shirt. Most contestants “ooh” and “aah” as an old, jagged gash comes into view, running six inches across his ripped stomach. “Just a good old battle scar there,” the giant otter chuckles, clearly appreciating the attention. “Some bastard in Somalia clawed me open. Made sure it didn’t happen a second time, but it was still awfully close to take me out.”
“Did it like… hamper you in some fashion?” Alec asks, clearly in awe.
“Hamper? Not really,” the otter shrugs. “Dudes I know lost an arm or a leg over a landmine. I was in recovery for nearly a month, but well… you can’t honestly complain when you’ve seen the extent of the damages soldiers suffer.” He takes off his shirt, the green fabric stretching across his sturdy chest. “I’m not gonna go easy on ya, if that’s what you’re thinking,” he smirks to the ferret.
“Listening to Eddie telling us about his war wound and...I’m just in awe, man. Dude got some massive balls, and coming from me that’s an effing compliment!”
~#37 Alec, 30, Ferret, Bull Rider
“They may believe I’m showing off, and I get that all the time, it’s fine…” *camera shows Eddie sucking in his stomach and mockingly striking some bodybuilding poses* “At the end of the day, that’s just a side of who I was, and likely still am. I’m definitely looking forward to bringing it out for this competition if I have to.”
~#30 Eddie, 32, Giant Otter, Demolition Foreman
"I got my appendix removed, does that count?" Aksel, the Danish-born beech marten, quips, everyone else around joining in the laugh. Next to him, aerospace technician Scott is shown looking quizzically at Duke, a Haitian-born skunk sporting clear surgery scars underneath his chest.
“It's fun going over and talking about how the fuckups we did as kids or whatever extreme thing marked us, but then I look at Duke and I’m like… how you even get those scars? What kinda car crash you got in? I wanna know!”
~#23 Scott, 30, Ferret-badger, Engineering Technician
The ferret-badger beckons Duke to come closer and join the talk. “So you kinda part of the scary scar committee, yanno?” he smiles.
Duke looks over at the group, smirking. “Think I know what this is, eh?” the skunk flicks his tail to the confusion of a pair of guys. “It’s okay, I seen you lookin’, it’s whatever...”
“So, the scars you got there are what?” one of the guys points at the underside of the skunk’s pecs. “You only get those done if you want manboobs removed, or like normal boobs too? Is it true that it’s all… guy? Or you got something done?”
“Was I born a guy physically? No...” he smirks as part of the chatter dies down, some guys struggling to find the words to reply appropriately. “Long story short, this is the guy I grew up to be, simple as that…”
“I was like… what? Like, man… wasn’t this a dude tourney? How you got into the bus?”
~#23 Scott, 30, Ferret-badger, Engineering Technician
“My parents aren’t all that open-minded, so you can bet they weren’t all that excited when I came out and began transitioning... But hey, I finally hit the body goals I’ve always wanted, and if anyone got issues with it, no skin off my back. I belong here as much as everyone else in these barracks.”
~#38 Duke, 29, Hooded Skunk, Club Promoter
“And how you gonna do if ya need to shower in public, like the military or some shit?” Scott asks up with little care on discretion.
“I mean, I’m here to beat y’all, not to have my privates looked at. If I bought it too big, tough luck… ” Duke shrugs off Scott’s remark. While a few among the group can’t help but look uneasy, others are distinctly amused by the skunk’s feistiness. Another marten, a blonde-furred New Yorker by the name of Chayne, looks at the scene with a glint in his eye.
“Duke ain’t letting any of these meatheads bother him, and being gay myself, I live for the wholeass disruption he’s doing by being who he truly is. But… he’s gonna be tough competition, he already got the bravado, what else he got in store?”
~#05 Chayne, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender
The blonde marten stands up to the group, addressing the few looking unconvinced. “In the end, the best fur out of us 45 is gonna win, like it or not. What matters is that you can pull off the tests we get, and the true Alpha is the one who wants it the most...” he says. “That’s the way the world goes, sugar, take it or leave it...”
“Nah, no one’s dismissing anybody, whoever you are you’re welcome here… except on the winner’s podium, y’all ain’t takin’ it from me!” Lloyd, a policeman from Pennsylvania, taunts the rest of the group.
The word quickly spreads around the barracks, with the cop eventually talking it up with the other law enforcement friend he found in the group, a stoat that insisted in using his full name of John Blake Jr.. “You see the skunk over there? He said like… he used to be a woman.”
John looks over at the group and scoffs. “Nah, you lying...”
“He said it himself,” the police officer raises his eyebrow. “I swear...” John shoots a puzzled look at the marten. “Hey, we all got here one way or the other, whoever it is, I come first, the rest of y’all second.”
“Other way sounds about right...” the stoat rolled his eyes, looking over at the larger group.
“It’s gonna be fine, John. Ya really think you gonna face 44 of yourself? You braced yerself for all that ugly?” Lloyd elbows the stoat in jest.
“Pfft, naw...” John replies, peering at the whole group and then at the skunk still recounting his story. “This country’s big as is… But the Alpha guy standard is set and not all of us fulfill it...”
“If I need to play nice with Duke, I will. But I’m here to be the number one. If it comes between me and him... I’ll be sure to kick the chick outta the competition.” *smirks*
~#34 John, 36, Stoat, Jailer
“Bitch, I heard it all before. And I ain’t here for their approval…” *camera shows the skunk easing up to the group and joining the banter* “If they like me, we’ll be cool, but if they don’t I don’t give a fuck in the end. I’m here for the quarter million and to send y’all home...”
~#38 Duke, 29, Hooded Skunk, Club Promoter
***
Apopka, Florida
2:30 PM, 84° F
The mustelids are filing onto the courtyard in their running gear, some looking nervous, others putting on a confident façade. Ludwig is waiting for them, a big grin on his muzzle as he watches the contestants taking place in a huddle in front of him.
“Ready to begin, guys?” he says, the group answering with a collective roar of their own. “Your first event is probably the simplest, although some of you won’t be saying that in a short while. We’ll kick things off with a mile and a half long run - the Navy rules say you should be wearing long pants and boots, but we’ve decided to make things a little easier for you and have you take it in shorts and sneakers.”
“You’ll be split in two groups by the number you got on your shirt - group one will be the numbers from 1 to 23, while numbers from 24 to 45 will make up group two. That being said, we're still evaluating your efforts regardless of the group you’re in," the stoat says. He then points at the course starting off from where the big group is, a straight path boldly marked by orange cones. “The entire lap we’ve set measures three quarters of a mile, so you gotta complete two full laps of the course. And yeah, about the time limit I was mentioning earlier...the Navy sets the target at 10 minutes, 30 seconds, so I reckon we can do the same here.” A massive badger by the name of Stefan looks rather concerned.
“A mile and a half ain’t no joke for someone as big as me… My only hope is to survive this one, and kick tail in challenges that suit me the most.”
~#11 Stefan, 25, American Badger, Meat Cutter
One by one, the first group of runners takes place before the starting line. J.J., Theo, Azu and Toby, four members of the younger otters’ pack, end up being in the first row - but there’s also Greasy Z, Chayne the bartender, Casey the Army sergeant and William the personal trainer.
“I feel being in the second group puts me at an advantage. I can measure out my competition and I can know which frontrunners I should focus on beating.”
~#40 Omar, 26, Marbled Polecat, Arabic Interpreter
“My plan is to take this as one of my obstacle course races. Let the dumb people gas out, catch ‘em up one by one and cross the line!”
~#19 Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic
“On your marks, get set...GO!”
The mustelids take off, amidst the cheers and hollers of the others. As Z predicted, some people have started way too confidently for their own good: one of them is Scott, the bleached haired ferret-badger from Pennsylvania, who after bursting off the starting line quickly begins to lose steam as the group of runners gets out on the course. Soon J.J. passes him, confidently displaying his perfect running stride while Scott starts looking behind himself with real concern.
“J.J.’s doing pretty good, and to think he’s doing this well without having hit puberty yet...”
~#45 James Sh. 23, American Badger, Pharmacy Technician
“All I can think of is ‘go, go go go go’. I know these guys have put me down as the chill, friendly guy, but I’m here to ace it, I’m here to really win this!”
~#15 J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager
At the end of the first lap, only a tayra named Sebastian has managed to keep up with the otter triathlete. Knowing his opponent is a pretty good runner in his own regard, J.J. waits for him and motions to him about setting a common pace.
“I know Sebastian is a great runner, pretty much the only one in this group who can keep up with me. I tell him to stay on my rudder and try to set a decent pace, so to put the biggest distance between us and the rest of the crowd.”
~#15 J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager
Behind the leading two, most of the others have started struggling. The difference between their form and that of the pack leaders couldn’t be more evident, although everyone is giving their best effort. Toby and Azu’s strategy to keep up with J.J. is clearly not paying off, as following their fellow “otter captain” has made them collapse to the middle of the pack. Scott has fallen even further back, and Stefan the badger is bringing up the rear. The look on his face screams bloody murder.
Meanwhile, Greasy Z is keeping true to his promise to avoid a reckless race conduct. He’s passing people left and right: his running stride isn’t as good as J.J., but he clearly knows what he’s doing. Theo, the tanned Chief Lifeguard from Florida, can only watch in disbelief as he sees the mohawked hog badger passing him at double his pace.
“My legs are hurting, my chest is on fire... I feel like dropping down, but I can’t stop, I can’t have Ludwig be like ‘that otter is terrible’ and chuck me out...”
~#04 Theo, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard
The contestants in the second group start yelling as they see the leading two make their way around the final bend. J.J., with Sebastian on his tail, is starting his kick: the otter thunders down the straightaway at a great pace and crosses the line first, barely past eight minutes. The tayra is right on his tail a couple second behind, while the rest of the group is far more spread: Malcolm the FedEx store manager is third in 8:42, followed by Lloyd in 8:50, a young polecat named Andrew in 8:53 and finally Greasy Z in 9:02. The camera cuts onto the tail-enders, clearly struggling as they come down the home stretch.
“I’ve seen forms of running before, but there are some... ‘forms’ out here if you get me…” *sneers as he makes air quote with fingers* “90 seconds until instant disqualification...”
~#43 Michael L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete
One by one the runners cross the line, all collapsing on the grass in utter exhaustion. Stefan attempts to sprint and crosses the line at 10:22, eight seconds within the limit, throwing his arms in the air as he realizes he’s completed the challenge before the sound of the horn.
“This is by far the quickest mile and a half I’ve ever run! I knew I had little chance to do well, but at least I’m still standing.”
~#11 Stefan, 25, American Badger, Meat Cutter
“Now Stefan might be as fast a brick, but he’s built like a five-story building. In other challenges he might rebound, even if he was lucky enough to make it...”
~#28 Raymond, 21, European Otter, Clerk
The camera cuts through. Most of the guys who have already completed the task are sitting on the ground as the second group of runners takes their place, shaking out arms and legs in anticipation. Some known faces are among this group: firefighter Arron, SEAL veteran Eddie, bull rider Alec, club promoter Duke. As soon as he spots the skunk taking place at the far left of the starting line, John scoffs him off, focusing on the track.
“On your marks…” Ludwig says. “Set...GO!”
The runners take off in a dash, but nobody goes off at a suicidal pace after having seen what’s happened in the previous heat. Arron, the honey badger from Wisconsin, is the first to pick up the pace as he heads across the straightaway: besides him, Michael Larkins, John and Alec make up the second group, all three keeping together and waiting to make their own move.
“I’m not an elite runner, but I can hold my own. *camera shows Arron pulling ahead from the rest, although his features are scrunched up in a grimace* I figure the best plan’s going all out and see who’s got the guts to keep up with me.”
~#41 Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter
“Arron’s definitely got a suicidal wish, going out guns blazing like that. Some people are definitely wanting to impress, but they ought to be more mindful of their own limits.”
~#43 Michael L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete
The first lap ends with Arron leading the pack, Michael L. having pulled into a comfortable second place and closing up on the honey badger, while John and Alec have somewhat slowed down and are closely followed by Akiva, the cute Floridian marine otter. Eddie is keeping up a regular, steady pace, running side by side with Crispin - the two imposing, tattooed lutrines pacing each other in a bid to not get dropped by the front runners.
On the sidelines, Aksel sided next to his fellow marten, Chayne, leaning closer as if he was telling a secret. “Who you got your eye on from this group?” both with eyes fixated on the track. It just so happens that the first group is passing by, Akiva’s rudder swaying side to side in an almost hypnotic motion, Chayne transfixed on the sight.
“I’m not into crushing over rivals, but to be honest Akiva got some good thigh game… and ass game strong too...” he smirks, not realising the context that Aksel was stressing.
“What? What you mean?” the Danish marten asks, confused, snapping sense into Chayne.
“Um okay, wow...You did NOT mean to ask that...” he attempts to laugh it off. “Don’t tell him I said that… I might soon...”
“Chayne… no issues with the dude, he’s great - but if he’s like this on Day 1, how will he do when the game’s afoot?”
~#22 Aksel, 31, Beech Marten, Political Science Teacher
“I’m only a mere mortal…” *laughs*. “But I know that many of these guys will look at me and be like ‘oh, he’s here to gawk at us’. I can be out, proud, and still kick your asses in this competition, who I bed at night is irrelevant to my main goal...’”
~#05 Chayne, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender
On the straightaway, Michael L. is passing Arron, but the badger refuses to give up. As soon as he sees the river otter leveling up with him, he lets him pass and glues himself to his back, not letting him pull away.
“I feel like I’m gonna drop at every step, but no way I’m letting that water dog run away with this…”
~#41 Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter
Eventually Michael L. starts his final kick, dropping Arron on the last bend and dashing towards the final line as the honey badger can barely look at him pulling away. The leader crosses the line in 8:09, while Arron manages to close in a comfortable second at 8:17. Behind the top two, correctional officer John is third and still going strong for his age, displaying a good, solid kick as he crosses the line in a respectable 8:36. Alec and Akiva close the top five, while Crispin takes sixth place as he manages to drop off Eddie in the final section.
“Gotta give it to Arron, he got heart.” *camera shows Michael L. offering the badger a paw as he lays down in exhaustion, chest heaving* “Definitely someone we all gotta keep our eyes on. But someone had to win this duel, and it wasn’t him...” *chuckles*
~#43 Michael L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete
“I’m absolutely fucking happy with my fifth place, especially since I left behind a lot of stronger, buffer dudes. I know I’m at a distinct disadvantage about some of these people, but I’m no pushover!”
~#32 Akiva, 22, Marine Otter, Business College Student
The rest of the group is about to end their effort. John snickers as he sees Duke, the transgender skunk, close the race a full minute behind him. He’s closely followed by Omar, the Jordanian polecat, and Diego, the Mexican-born stoat boxer.
“Let’s be real… the image of the ultimate American mustelid, the top of the bunch is pretty… determined. And I’ll leave it at that...”
~#34 John, 36, Stoat, Jailer
Eventually, the last few stragglers manage to cross the line. Noah curses loudly as he crosses the line in nineteenth place at 10:06, the weasel immediately falling to the ground as his left thigh cramps up. Most of the other contestants have taken a liking to “Tennessee”, as he’s become known around the camp, and a few of them immediately rush to help him up just as Allen the yellow-throated marten takes last place in 10:24 - barely into the time limit, but safe for this round.
“This is a competition alright, but I don’t wanna win by default. Tennessee’s a good sport, so the least I can do is giving him a paw and making sure he can continue.”
~#04 Theo, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard
The group reassembles in front of Ludwig, all mustelids looking sweaty and somehow worn out from the effort but clearly happy to have survived the first stage. “I commend all of you. None of you have fallen short and I didn’t have to send any home yet.” Everybody cheers, the otter crew even more so as they know most of them have done pretty good. “But we will see what happens in stage two… and remember, it only gets tougher from here on.”
1.5 MILE RUN
1. #15 J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager - 8:03
2. #02 Sebastian, 28, Tayra, Database Architect - 8:05
3. #43 Michael L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete - 8:09
4. #41 Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter - 8:17
5. #34 John, 36, Stoat, Jailer - 8:36
6. #13 Malcolm, 27, Fisher, FedEx Store Manager - 8:42
7. #01 Lloyd, 33, American Marten, Police Officer - 8:50
8. #10 Andrew 22, European Polecat, Roadie - 8:53
8. #37 Alec, 30, Ferret, Bull Rider - 8:53
10. #32 Akiva, 22, Marine Otter, Business College Student - 9:00
11. #19 Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic - 9:02
12. #08 Kenneth, 24, American Badger, Roofer/CrossFit Instructor - 9:06
***
The mustelids make their way inside the hangar, which has been converted into an empty, rough gym-like environment.
“The next three challenges will measure how well you do with basic calisthenics,” Ludwig announces. “First is push-ups - you gonna have to give me as many as you can in two minutes. Then we move to sit-ups, same thing…” Some contestants nod in agreement. “And finally pull-ups - you’ll be asked to perform as many as you can until failure. And again, remember. Can’t hit the minimum, your time here’s up and the bus awaits.”
“I’m a personal trainer, I basically teach this kinda stuff to people for a living. Pretty much nothing I gotta fear here, Navy test or not.”
~#20 William, 34, Least Weasel, Personal Trainer
“When Ludwig announces the challenge… immediately I get a pit in my stomach. You don’t really do push-ups or pull-ups to get ready for marathons.” *Sebastian looks around, trying to blend in the background* “Hope my conditioning is strong enough to survive this task.”
~#02 Sebastian, 28, Tayra, Database Architect
“Alright, here’s how we’ll do this,” the stoat says in a commanding tone. “We’ll perform the three challenges with little rest between one and the next. You’ll be divided into three groups of 15, as to make it easier for your effort to be evaluated. First group is numbers from 1 to 15… 1 to 15, step out and get into position along this line.” Several mustelids get up and position themselves along a white line drawn on the gym floor. Some of them have already chucked away their shirts, clearly wanting to avoid any kind of hamper during their effort.
“The impressing game is already afoot, that much I can tell ya.” *chuckles* “Lots of musk and testosterone are already flying, and at this point you either put up or shut up. You definitely don’t want to look like you’re intimidated by these beasts.”
~#18 Toby, 26, North American River Otter, Derrick Operator
As the first group is getting ready to start their two minutes, William walks behind Diego. “¿Y tú?”
The Mexican stoat gasps. ((“No way, another Latino! Yes! You ready for this?”)) he switches back to Spanish in a heartbeat, relieved he could have a mental break and speak with someone in his native tongue.
William scoffs. ((“Well this is my daily job! Course I got this, I’m winning...”)) They continue to hit it off, to the perplexity of other rivals near them.
“When you click, you click, yanno? I know that we both will kill it and show the rest how we do it, en español, güey!”
~#36 Diego, 32, Stoat, Warehouse Worker
Soon as Ludwig gives the signal, the group explodes in a fury of push-ups. Biceps bulge and relax as the mustelids complete a rep after another. Kenneth, the badger crossfitter, and Andrew, the young, Texan polecat who works as road crew, are looking strong after the first thirty seconds - their rhythm strong and steady as some of the others begin to tire and rest as they get in up position.
“Forget the run, this is straight up competition.” *camera focuses on Chayne, still going strong, while lifeguard Theo is slowing up noticeably* “But little do they know of my secret weapon. See, when you bartend in a high-traffic gay bar and look just like I do? A few push-ups can get you a long way when it comes to tips, hah!”
~#05 Chayne, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender
“One minute left!” Ludwig calls. Out of the corner of his eye, Kenneth notices that Andrew is the only one matching his pace, while plenty others are struggling to keep a good form. Angrily, the badger tries to increase the rhythm and send the polecat into overdrive, but the younger mustelid takes notice and responds to the provocation, matching the crossfitter motion for motion.
“Oh, we got a challenge there!” Arron yells excitedly.
“Come on, Texas!” Christopher, an unassuming but fit sable, claps. Many other contestants side with the youngster, cheering him on in utter surprise as he doesn’t miss a single beat. Quickly everyone starts to pick sides and cheer.
“Seriously, these two are blowing the competition outta the park. If that’s the level we gotta match up with, I’m definitely concerned.”
~#23 Scott, 30, Ferret-badger, Engineering Technician
With about 20 seconds to go, it’s Andrew’s time to make his move. Soon as he notices that Kenneth is starting to falter, he doubles down on his motion - a huge cheer exploding as it becomes clear he’s imperceptibly pulling away. The badger doesn’t relent, but his features turn into an angry, pained scowl as he realizes his arms struggle to match the ferret’s commanding pace. As the horn sounds, he falls to the concrete with a loud thud, clearly displeased with his own effort.
“I can’t believe I let this chump beat me in my own field of work…” *Kenneth shakes his head, biting his lip as he struggles to stifle his anger* “But with these numbers I’m sure to proceed, I can catch him when he least expects it.”
~#08 Kenneth, 24, American Badger, Roofer/CrossFit Instructor
The second group takes the place of the first. Another group of fifteen is getting ready to put in their effort, shaking off their arms as they get into position. While William is stretching, confident he would do well, a lot of the eyes focus on the biggest guy in this group: Michael Marshall, a massive, surly wolverine blacksmith from Montana. They take place next to each other, the mountain man imperceptibly sneering at the weasel, the latter doing his best to look nonplussed.
As soon as the clock starts, the wolverine shows the reason behind his confidence. He takes off on his task like a mad man, performing push-up after push-up without any kind of rest while at the top of his motion. His style is somewhat rough, but decidedly more effective than William’s impeccable form. Some of the furs in the crowd are honestly intimidated by the display - a minute in, he doesn’t show yet any sign of relenting.
“Lordy be, that guy’s a flat out monster. He got fuckin’ biceps to spare!”
~#35 Noah, 19, Long-Tailed Weasel, Farmer
With thirty seconds to go, only a few contestants haven’t started taking short rests - Michael M., William, Eddie and Greasy Z, the loudmouth hog badger from rural Texas. At the far end of the line, Tyler Olson, an usually flashy and boisterous mink, eases his pace - his rhythm a lot slower than the strongest athletes, but still very much in control.
“It ain’t about finishing first, it’s about doing well enough. If I keep my energy, I won’t get booted off for not making it cuz I wanted to fucking show off at first. Go and burn out, baby, I’m here to win the race, not the first lap.”
~#17 Tyler O., 25, American Mink, Wrestler
“See, push-ups are fairly easy. Up… down… up… down, and then after you get warmed up, you go faster and faster, and once the time hits, relax…” *tries to look serious, but eventually can’t help to burst out laughing* “Normally I can last more than two minutes, but I do what’s asked...”
~#19 Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic
Michael M. is still going strong as the horn blares, slowing to a crawl while still in perfect control as most of the other mustelids drop to the ground like stones. Ludwig chuckles, as the wolverine behemoth sits back, shaking off his arms as if it was nothing. “Helluva job out there, Michael,” he says, the brownish furred mustelid looking pleased with himself, shooting daggers at William.
“Guns wise, I’m the Alpha of this class.” *pumps his biceps* “They can get off on their personal training bullshit, but they can’t stack up with someone puttin’ in some good old fashioned upper body training 40 hours per week.”
~#24 Michael M., 35, Wolverine, Blacksmith
“I can’t tell ya I’m happy that I got beat by a meathead like Montana guy, but I won’t overexert myself with three events still to be contested. Slow and steady wins this race, and we’ll see who’s on top of the standings when all is said and done.”
~#20 William, 34, Least Weasel, Personal Trainer
The third group is underway. None of these look particularly poised to beat the strongest athletes from the previous heats, although some are definitely doing better than others. John looks left and right and scoffs at Duke, who’s looking just as strong as him as he pushes down on his front paws. Further down the line, marbled polecat Omar is displaying great form - his pace clearly faster than Noah’s, the country boy doing as well as he can but clearly past his own limits.
“In situations like this, I always make sure to remember what my brother told me before I got here. It’s a proverb in Arabic… ((‘They’re all just pathetic, go kick their asses!’))”
~#40 Omar, 26, Marbled Polecat, Arabic Interpreter
While Omar and Arron are setting up a strong, regular pace, college student Akiva curses under his breath - his biceps clearly trembling as he rests on top of his motion.
“I’m past 50, I know I am safe for this round but… these guys are monsters! Not thinking that I don’t deserve to be here, but I worry whether I’m Alpha enough to keep up with these people…”
~#32 Akiva, 22, Marine Otter, Business College Student
People cheer as Duke seems to be pulling away from John, the stoat going at full pace but struggling to keep up with the skunk. A couple of American badgers - truck driver Travis and pharmacy technician James Sheehy - is equally tangled up in a challenge, biceps bulging with exertion as they mimic each other’s pace, neither of the two daring to give each other an inch. But while most bystanders are focusing on a couple in specific, Omar the marbled polecat is quietly one-upping the rest of his competitors.
“This group is pretty slow compared to mine, but anything can still happen. To be fair I instantly discount anyone who is getting fanfare because they’ll deflate eventually. Once I get to the Top 24, I’ll be in a better position to take prisoners.”
~#25 James Sg., 40, Spotted-necked Otter, Deli Clerk
Eventually the horn sounds, all mustelid dropping out at once then slowly crawling over to join their opponents in front of Ludwig. The stoat is definitely pleased with their effort. “I’m honestly impressed by every single one of you - nobody fell under 50 push-ups in two minutes, which means you’re still all in,” he says, the entire group cheering at the news. “Of course, some have done a lot better than others…” the camera pans on Michael M., a big, smug grin on the wolverine’s face, “...but there’s plenty of time to fix that up if you’re in the latter department. Ten minutes of rest and then we move on…”
“Just what the hell will it take to have these people roll over and croak? Whose tires I gotta slash in order to expedite this shit? Come on!”
~#19 Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic
MAX PUSH-UPS in 2:00
1. #24 Michael M., 35, Wolverine, Blacksmith - 122
2. #10 Andrew, 22, European Polecat, Roadie - 119
3. #08 Kenneth, 24, American Badger, Roofer/CrossFit Instructor - 117
4. #30 Eddie, 32, Giant Otter, Demolition Foreman - 116
5. #20 William, 34, Least Weasel, Personal Trainer - 110
6. #05 Chayne, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender - 108
7. #19 Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic - 106
8. #03 Azu, 27, African Clawless Otter, Tree Climber - 105
9. #26 Jeremy, 33, Wolverine, Front Desk Hotel Agent - 103
9. #40 Omar, 26, Marbled Polecat, Arabic Interpreter - 103
11. #41 Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter - 101
12. #01 Lloyd, 33, American Marten, Police Officer - 100
The whole group is already in place to kick off their sit-ups; half of them are lying on their backs, their knees slightly bent, while the remaining half is spotting their opponents by applying pressure on their feet. Ludwig slowly walks along, making sure everybody is in position. “Arms crossed over your chest, paws over your shoulders…” he motions. “Remember, if you want to rest, you can only do it when you’re upright. I see any funny business, I’m gonna warn ya just once. Second time, you’re heading straight to the bus.”
Most players nod, looking determined. At the end of the line, Stefan is taking his position without a spotter - the thickset badger having been left out when the contestants were asked to pair up. “So you left alone, right?” the host asks, to the indifference of the competitor.
“They do as they wanna do,” Stefan scoffs. “I’ll catch up to them, they just won’t know it until it hurts them.”
“Hang on, dude.” Ludwig leans down, pressing on the badger’s knees. “Now you got one, and you better live to your words.” Some of the other contestants look shocked at the scene.
“Ludwig is spotting someone...” William says to Diego, who was pressing hard on his paws to keep the weasel grounded.
“No mames...” the stoat shakes his head. “Is it unfair?”
“Maybe he’s slacking...” William shrugs.
“Stefan getting spotted by Ludwig? After having stunk the place throughout the first two challenges? Sometimes life ain’t fair…”
#43 Michael L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete
“It is pretty wild, but hey, let them say what they wanna. I’m not going home, and he will be there to see it...”
~#11 Stefan, 25, American Badger, Meat Cutter
“ALRIGHT GUYS!” Ludwig yells from his position. “Gimme your best shot! On your marks, set, GO!”
All the contestants start going up and down at a frantic pace, abs contracting and relaxing as they perform the task. The spotters keep count of the number of reps, some of them giving words of encouragement to their friends. After the first 30 seconds, some begin slowing their rhythm - clearly having started out too fast and growing gassed up as they go.
“Come on Stefan, let’s go, LET’S GO!” Ludwig barks, seeing the badger is struggling to pace himself after a good start. “Everyone’s going quick now that I said something!”
“Having Ludwig there is a huge encouragement for me. I’m a weightlifter, I don’t do 500 sit-ups a day like some of these folks… but like hell I’m dropping out of this with the big guy spotting me.”
~#11 Stefan, 25, American Badger, Meat Cutter
Along the line, some of the contestants are having a very good time with the challenge. William is going strong, his spotter Diego quietly encouraging him in Spanish as he sees the personal trainer passing the minimum mark of 50 with more than a minute left on the clock. Lifeguard Theo is doing equally well, the tanned otter barely breaking a sweat as he racks up rep after rep.
“These are not just for show…” *smirks, patting his rock-hard abdominal wall* “People down the beach can gawk at me as long as they want, but I know I work super hard to keep up this level of conditioning and I don’t do it just for them.”
#04 Theo, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard
“This is literally my job, I can do this in my sleep, in the morning, at night, in bed- no wait…” *laughs* “But yeah, I’m pretty sure I am set to get the #1 here, and sail to the top 24 with ease.”
~#20 William, 34, Least Weasel, Personal Trainer
Some of the contestants are visibly struggling with the challenge. Devin is barely holding up his pace as Dalton, the boisterous zorilla, is screaming in his face every time he comes up - the contestants nearby being almost put off by the college athlete’s rowdiness. Nearby, engineering technician Scott is taking longer and longer pauses after each rep, clearly lacking the conditioning of some of his peers.
“I’m in a very dark spot right now. The only thing I can do is focus on the 50 reps I gotta deliver to stay in the competition and hope this ends the soonest.”
~#23 Scott, 30, Ferret-badger, Engineering Technician
The air horn blares, bringing everyone to a halt. A quick count of the reps shows William and Z as the winners of the first round, with 113 sit-ups apiece - the hog badger looking extremely pleased with himself as he realizes he’s tied the personal trainer despite the clear disadvantage he was in. All the contestants have reached the minimum, Scott clearing it by a whisker with just 53. Stefan finally smiles, proud of his effort, as Ludwig informs him he’s put in exactly 73 reps - having put several competitors behind in his own bid to outdo them.
“Growing up with ADHD and dyslexia, I’ve always struggled to relate to my peers in social situations and shit… I began weightlifting at 16 because I literally had no other option to vent out everything I kept bottled in, and it ended up literally saving my life.” *camera shows Stefan standing up, about to walk away to watch the second group perform* “That lil’ badger is no more, I’m here as a wannabe Alpha, and I’m ready to show these folks up and take my revenge.”
~#11 Stefan, 25, American Badger, Meat Cutter
“Hey, where you going?” Ludwig calls for the badger’s attention, who turned to see the host on his back and ready to do sit-ups. “You cadets need to see how a true man does it,” Guys gasp and cheer on as they realize the stoat is serious and ready to compete with them.
“Hell naw...” Azu, still panting from his own effort, blinks at his fellow spotter.
“I don’t buy it,” Raymond grins, working himself into position. “He’s trolling us, I tell ya.”
The Nigerian otter nods, grasping his partner’s ankles in his own webbed paws. “Like hell he’s gonna beat us young bucks…” he quips.
“Having Ludwig doing sit-ups beside us is like… going up against a basketball or football All-Star, I tell ya! Part of me is intimidated, part of me wishes I could actually see him in action.”
~#28 Raymond, 21, European Otter, Clerk
Still lying on the ground, the stoat gets in position then calls out. “On your marks, get set… GO!”
The group starts their task, most of the contestants quickly reaching a solid rhythm. At the end of the row, though, Ludwig is outpacing them all, his lower section barely moving as he goes up and down like a metronome. Most of the spotters are turning heads his way, some clearly in awe of the older stoat.
“Can you fucking focus?” Michael L. yells to his spotter Malcolm, not breaking from his rhythm.
“That shit’s unreal, bro...” the fisher retorts.
“I can’t believe my eyes. Ludwig’s like up, down, up, down, it’s like someone jump started him with a car battery… I turn away for a sec and he has done like 50...”
~#11 Stefan, 25, American Badger, Meat Cutter
“Out of the corner of my eyes I can see him move, and I reckon he’s going maybe twice my speed. *shakes head* That’s a big reminder that no matter how hard ya think you go, someone can still turn it on you in a second. Least I know he ain’t some rando pretty face they got to host...”
~#29 Dalton, 22, Zorilla, College Football Player
Arron, the firefighting honey badger from Wisconsin, is keeping a solid pace and easily beating most of his competition in his heat, but not even him can match the infernal pace set by the stoat host. He still doesn’t relent, fellow badger Julian urging him on. “You can do it, buddy!” he whispers in an excited tone as he looks around, noticing the badger’s main competition - huge otter dudes Eddie and Crispin - struggling to keep up with him.
“Otters and badgers are clearly the two bigger groups species wise, and I won’t lie, some kinda competition is setting up among us.”
~#45 James Sh. 23, American Badger, Pharmacy Technician
“If I’m killing this and we still haven’t seen a swimming portion, then I’m as good as in that mansion. *camera pans to Theo looking side to side to his rivals*”
~#04 Theo, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard
The air thickens up as the otters try to match Arron’s pace, urged by their own spotters. While Eddie knows he better not overexert himself, Crispin doubles down on his pace, his lutrine features transfixed in a determined grin.
“My abs feel like they’re on fire, but at this point, it’s becoming almost personal. You want to show up the next dude on the block, no matter how much it takes - and the fact we’re all dudes, all big and competitive, kinda ramps up that factor to eleven.”
~#33 Crispin, 29, European Otter, Bouncer
The horn signals the end of the challenge. Arron has posted the best result, the honey badger having completed a grand total of 108 reps. Crispin and Eddie are not far behind with 102 and 98 respectively, but it all pales when compared to Ludwig’s effort - his spotter Stefan confirming the host’s managed to complete 115 sit-ups.
“Guess that p-proves…” Ludwig pants, “...how you better know to back up your own boasts.”
Most guys shake their heads in sheer admiration. “Work, Navy!” Chayne says, mockingly catcalling the stoat.
*stutters* “Um… Post, did you fix Ludwig’s number? Editing? Production? That shit was unreal… *the marten grabs the boom mic on top of him* “I demand a recount…”
~#05 Chayne, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender
All the contestants are standing in front of Ludwig, the stoat looking slightly fatigued after his own effort but not letting it show. “Gotta say I’m seriously impressed by this group. Three events in, and you’re all still in the running,” he announces to a collective cheer. “But you better not let your guard down, folks, because the best is yet to come.”
“I feel some clear contenders are starting to emerge from the group. Definitely got some people in my sights… William is one, Theo the lifeguard, the whole otter clique… the more I observe them, the more I take in their strength and weaknesses.” *camera shows Arron, hands on his hips, looking at his competitors as they get ready for the next challenge* “I’m not here to be content with second or third. Winning is the only thing that matters.”
~#41 Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter
MAX SIT-UPS in 2:00
1. #19 Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic - 113
1. #20 William, 34, Least Weasel, Personal Trainer - 113
3. #04 Theo, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard - 111
4. #41 Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter - 108
5. #08 Kenneth, 24, American Badger, Roofer/CrossFit Instructor - 106
6. #10 Andrew, 22, European Polecat, Roadie - 104
7. #33 Crispin, 29, European Otter, Bouncer - 102
8. #15 J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager - 101
9. #30 Eddie, 32, Giant Otter, Demolition Foreman - 98
9. #43 Michael L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete - 98
11. #28 Raymond, 21, European Otter, Clerk - 97
12. #34 John, 36, Stoat, Jailer - 94
***
Five pull-up bars have been brought at the center of the gym floor, the mustelids settled behind in a scattered group.
“This is going to be quick and easy,” Ludwig says, eyeing the group. “I want five rows of nine in front of each bar. Soon as the first five come up, they gotta give me as many pull-ups as they can,” he says. “Remember, this goes until you can’t anymore. You can rest as much as you want, but once you let go of the bar, the count’s over. And for all the CrossFit dudes out there…” the stoat smirks. “I’m talking strict pull-ups, kipping’s not allowed. I see you doing that, it won’t go to your final count.”
“Well shit…” *covers his face with the paws, midway between laughing and looking annoyed* “I swear I haven’t done a straight pull-up since I was in high school. I know I can do this, but it’s definitely going to be a challenge.”
~#08 Kenneth, 24, American Badger, Roofer/CrossFit Instructor
The mustelids are already dividing themselves into rows, a first group of five having stepped forward. “As soon as the guy in front of you drops, it’s your signal to take his place,” Ludwig reminds the contestants. “To stay in the competition, the minimum score I expect from you is ten. If you drop before your tenth rep… I think you know the drill,” the stoat smirks. Some of the contestants are looking rather concerned.
“I know how to do pull-ups, but cranking up ten after a push-up session is pretty much uncharted land for anyone at the young and very fresh age of 40.”
~#25 James Sg., 40, Spotted-necked Otter, Deli Clerk
“This is way, way more challenging than all the shit we’ve done so far. I’m pretty sure I’m golden, but I wouldn’t be surprised to see guys starting to drop like flies…” *grins* “But what can one marbled polecat do but sit and enjoy the drama?”
~#40 Omar, 26, Marbled Polecat, Arabic Interpreter
“First five get under the bar…” Ludwig motions, the mustelids in the front row jumping up and gripping the bar overhand. “On the count of three...three, two, one, GO!”
The contestants kick off their task, muscles flexing and contracting with each rise. Michael M., the massive wolverine blacksmith, loudly grunts at the top of each ascent - his arm strength clearly on display as he keeps going strong after the first ten reps, a number of competitors looking slightly concerned as they take in the sight. Next to Michael, Noah is performing equally well: his sinewy body, molded by hours upon hours of hard work at the farm, arching up nicely with each motion as he goes.
The first five ace through the deadline with no issue, all of them breaking twenty pull-ups with relative ease. As soon as they’re done, the next one in line takes their spot - the whole crowd behind cheering and jeering at the guys on the spot.
It wasn’t long until it happened. A thud resonates over the facility as one of the competitors’ arms give up, slipping from the bar as he forcefully drops on the ground. The crowd gasps as Ali, a young least weasel from Ohio, gets up and shakes himself off, looking pretty dejected.
“I was to go after Ali and… how can I put it… You ever seen Final Destination? Like, when you see someone’s demise right in front of your face? Yeah, it’s exactly that.” *winces*
~#15 J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager
“Ali, you fell short of your goal. You completed only eight pull-ups,” Ludwig informs the weasel, the mustelids behind him never relenting in their motion. “It was nice having you here, but it’s time for you to go.” The weasel nods then walks out, his head hung down, struggling to make eye contact with his competitors as he passes by.
“So this is over…” *camera shows Ali walking back into the locker, looking crestfallen as he picks up his stuff* “For a 23-year-old who’s just recently picked up weightlifting, this has been an amazing experience and I wish nothing but the best to those who stay. I know I’ve still a long way to go but I promise ya - you haven’t seen the last of me.”
~#42 Ali, 23, Least Weasel, Maintenance Mechanic
Back in the hangar, the competition goes on. Azu, the Nigerian otter, looks almost weightless as he hits rep after rep - his lithe rudder pressed against his back to reduce his drag. “Are his legs made of cardboard or what?” Raymond whispers to the mohawked hog badger in front of him, looking in awe at the lutrine. A collective cheer rises from the young otters as their friend completes the thirtieth pull-up, stopping for a few seconds at the bottom, the twitching muscles in his upper back contracting before he picks up again. He falters at thirty-three, leaving his spot to J.J. - the triathlete immediately picking up from where the other left.
“If there ever was a challenge designed for me, it’s this one.” *smirks* “I climb trees bare-pawed for a living, got thick calluses all around under my webbings - how bad can it be to pull yourself up and down while holding onto a steel bar?”
~#03 Azu, 27, African Clawless Otter, Tree Climber
Many contestants drop out in the range between ten and twenty, some managing to keep up their focus just enough to drive themselves to hit the minimum. When bartender Chayne steps up, it is a surprise for many to see him go past fifteen without breaking a sweat, his motions slow, deliberate and almost suggestive.
“It ain’t a stripper pole, man...” Greasy Z snarks, to the laughs of many around him. Some in the crowd start wolf-whistling at the marten’s direction, him staying oblivious to the attention he’s provoking as he keeps performing his task. By the time he hits twenty-five his chest is slick with sweat, but he doesn’t relent - keeping up his pace until twenty-nine, distinctly one of the best results this far. Soon as the blonde marten thinks he’s reached his limit, he slowly pulls down, holding still in segments, making sure to flaunt his competition before letting go of the bar.
“Have a free life hack. If you’re a chiseled, topless bartender in a crowded gay bar who needs to make more tips, install a steel bar at your station, and start charging a buck per full view slow pull-up. Once you see the money comin’, you bet your ass you're gonna become an expert in days, and have great traps to boot...”
~#05 Chayne, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender
*camera focuses on John rolling his eyes at the display* “It’s a top mustelid competition, not a whore-out or a pride parade. Get serious….”
~#34 John, 36, Stoat, Jailer
The rows are thinning up. William posts another great result, once more displaying his perfect form as he hits 31 before letting go. Andrew, the young roadie, displays amazing muscle control as he takes on his task, many people looking surprised as the polecat comes down with a loud thud after reaching 25. Stefan is finally in his element, being able to showcase his upper body strength despite less than optimal showings in the earlier challenges. Eddie grunts, his motions strong and deliberate, yet clearly slowed down by the weight of his hefty rudder.
Eventually it’s time for another showdown, John and Omar ending up working out side by side as the previous competitors have left their spot. The stoat openly sneers at the marbled polecat, grunting under his breath as he rises upward. “You ain’t got shit on me, spotted thing,” he hisses in Omar’s direction, trying to psyche him out. His opponent doesn’t answer, his hips extended as he tries to make the most of every swinging motion, but he’s the first to falter - his grip giving up at 26 reps. Ostentatiously, as he was resting and ready to go himself, John performs one more pull-up and then lets himself go, patting the polecat’s back in an almost patronizing manner once he’s back on his feet.
A loud curse rises from the far side of the field, as the last mustelid to go in row five - a middle-aged marten named Allen - is clearly gassing out after the fifth pull-up. His arms are starting to shake as he refuses to let go of the bar, but he clearly lacks the strength to perform the full ordeal. He rises up for rep number six, but is soon back to hanging at the bottom, his chest heaving. He’s clearly in a world of pain when compared to his opponents.
“Uh oh, he’s about to drop…” Michael L. comments, biting his lip, the faintest hint of a grin on his lutrine muzzle as he watches the marten struggle.
“My brain’s still in 100%, but my arms are simply not following through.” *camera shows the marten’s features contracting in a painful grimace, him letting the bar drop one moment later*
~#27 Allen, 35, Yellow-throated Marten, Gas Plant Operator
“As much as you feel for the guy, you can’t help but think there’s one less rival on deck… We oughta go from a crowd of 45 to just one, and a true Alpha can’t afford to feel bad for all the dead meat dropping off along the road.”
~#08 Kenneth, 24, American Badger, Roofer/CrossFit Instructor
“Allen, you’re out,” Ludwig tells the marten. He takes off his shirt and throws it away before walking out, clearly disappointed with himself, as the last few guys complete their ordeal. Some of the competitors shrug off his antics, while others follow him with their gaze until he’s out in slight concern.
“I’m just pissed now. I’m actually regretting this experience a bit. Second one off, the tests went horrible, guys are a bunch of shitheads… ugh... This had to be the next biggest thing in my life, but it was something I rather forget… ”
~#27 Allen, 35, Yellow-throated Marten, Gas Plant Operator
Meanwhile, everyone is cheering on the last competitor on the bars. James Sgambelluri, the elder deli clerk from New Jersey, is nearing rep #10 - clearly looking fatigued, but very much in control. “Seven, eight, nine…” they all chant, cheering on the otter.
James pauses at the bottom, shaking his shoulders, then he hoists himself for the tenth time - stopping at the top for a second before letting himself drop with a thud.
“Glad to see you’re still with us...” Lloyd tells the Jerseyite as he passed by, his tone sarcastic, albeit in a delayed, sneaky manner.
“On those bars, I was in full survival mode. No way I was going to drop before hitting ten, no freakin’ way.” *camera shows James shrugging Lloyd and walking back into the group, some of the other competitors bumping fists with him* “Old guy’s still in and kicking tail!”
~#25 James Sg., 40, Spotted-necked Otter, Deli Clerk
MAX PULL-UPS
1. #03 Azu, 27, African Clawless Otter, Tree Climber - 33
2. #20 William, 34, Least Weasel, Personal Trainer - 31
3. #05 Chayne, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender - 29
4. #19 Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic - 28
4. #24 Michael M., 35, Wolverine, Blacksmith - 28
6. #08 Kenneth, 24, American Badger, Roofer/CrossFit Instructor - 27
6. #34 John, 36, Stoat, Jailer - 27
8. #40 Omar, 26, Marbled Polecat, Arabic Interpreter - 26
9. #10 Andrew, 22, European Polecat, Roadie - 25
10. #36 Diego, 32, Stoat, Warehouse Worker - 24
10. #37 Alec, 30, Ferret, Bull Rider - 24
12. #11 Stefan, 25, American Badger, Meat Cutter - 23
12. #13 Malcolm, 27, Fisher, FedEx Store Manager - 23
12. #35 Noah, 19, Long-Tailed Weasel, Farmer - 23
Ludwig looked to the side, gesturing. “And like that, the pool narrows… what can we do?”
“Head there?” Theo smirks, knowing what task is awaiting the group. Most people join in the laugh, though a few look slightly concerned already.
“Of course the swimming portion’s the last thing on the list. If this means all of the previously useless otters fluke and get in the top 24, I swear I might pummel someone...”
~#38 Duke, 29, Hooded Skunk, Club Promoter
“I feel like… so far we’ve mostly played. I mean running, sit-ups, push-ups…? Everyone in this group can do those, well, except for the obvious stragglers. But swimming? That will divide the boys from the men. You can bet on that.”
~#15 J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager
The contestants are back outside, waiting on the side of a 25-yard long, eight-lane swimming pool. Most of them have already changed into swimming gear, their name and number now emblazoned on the black caps they’re wearing.
“Welcome to your last task before the first cut,” Ludwig announces with a flourish. “You’ll be taking a timed, 500 yard swim - that means exactly twenty laps of this pool.” Some contestants smile, while others frown in growing concern.
“Five hundred yards? Piece of cake. I know this will leave several people on the ground, but not this otter.”
~#33 Crispin, 29, European Otter, Bouncer
“Oh no, no, no no no. This is a fucking nightmare…” *takes face in his paws* “I mean sure, I can stay afloat, but I’ve never done twenty laps in a single go… This is pretty inconvenient, I’d say.” *sighs*
~#39 Travis, 29, American Badger, Truck Driver
“We’ve made some concessions to the Navy rules on this challenge. They allow swimmers to perform this on breaststroke or combat stroke only, but we’ve decided to be good and allow you to use the stroke you prefer. Freestyle, backstroke, dog-paddle, whatever works…” Ludwig says. “Just remember… If you take over twelve minutes and a half, you’ll be joining Ali and Allen in the bus, and be instantly eliminated...”
Some people begin shaking their arms out, in preparation for the swim to come. Theo, the otter lifeguard, rolls his shoulders as he gives pointers to the other young otters - the young, Californian lutrine named Raymond nodding along with a big grin on his muzzle.
“Meatheads have been all big and mighty thinking they’ve aced the competition, but now, can’t wait to see them float on top like fish do… when they dead…”
~#28 Raymond, 21, European Otter, Clerk
“Alright, here’s how we gonna do this…” Ludwig announces. “You’ve been randomly divided into six heats. Soon as I call your name, you're gonna step up on your block and dive in at the horn. You can hold onto the wall at either side of the pool, but not on the lanes.” A few mustelids nod in agreement. “So, for the first heat... I want Flavio, Tyler Olson, Casey, Aksel, Malcolm, Andrew, Alec and John.”
The group cheers as the first eight take place on the blocks. While some have opted for a more professional choice of equipment, such as goggles and earplugs, it wasn’t out of the works to see some ready to tackle the water in just a pair of swim-trunks.
“I mean, have you seen what wrestlers use?” *pokes at his swimming trunks* “This ain’t even my most revealing thing. Hah!”
~#17 Tyler O., 25, American Mink, Wrestler
“I’ll say, like, I spend a lot more time in the stables that I do in the pool… but I’m gonna give it my best and hope it doesn’t set me too far back.”
~#37 Alec, 30, Ferret, Bull Rider
The horn blares, all eight mustelids diving in and starting their task. It’s pretty clear none of them is a swimming champion, although Casey, the 45-year-old otter serving as an Army sergeant, is ahead of the pack after the first two laps. He’s the only one to do a flip turn off the walls, while all the others resolve to simply put both paws on the wall and kick off in the opposite direction.
Ludwig follows closely the progress as the contestants swim back and forth. Though Casey isn’t exactly posting world record times, he doesn’t take long to lap the slowest contestant in the field - a lanky, unassuming mink from Connecticut named Flavio. The guy is really struggling, switching from a messy, energy-wasting freestyle to dog-paddle after the first two laps. “Whatever goes, don’t stop!” he screams at the swimmers, seeing that a few are already taking pauses at each wall.
Zakee, the mohawked hog badger looks to his side. “Casey’s doin’ great. I wish I could also swim like him once I’m 72...” he says to Dalton, shooting a nasal laugh and snort once the joke fell on the massive zorilla. Sure enough, the gray-furred otter is doing well - flipping off the wall with ease as he closes his tenth lap. “3:40 at 250 yards!” Ludwig announces, checking his wristwatch. John and Andrew, the closest pursuers, are already a lap behind.
Casey slows a bit along the road, but ends up lapping all of the other contestants but John - the camera depicting the rest of the pack in various states of distress. It’s pretty clear most contestants are not as confident in the water as they are outside. “This is a good chance to test you outside of your comfort zone,” Ludwig says to the waiting crowd. “If you mean to stick around until top 12 and further, you’ll get a lot of it…”
Just as predicted, Casey hits the wall first in 7:49 - him having dropped about thirty seconds from the first half to the second, but still keeping up his swimming form for all twenty laps. John touches in second about forty second later, the jailer immediately hoisting himself out the pool and brushing his tail off with a large towel.
“You could be born to be on water, you could have gills, and you can ask me how much I care and I say not a single fuck I’d give. I’m not only here to prove myself to be the top mustelid, but all the better if I can improve my family’s life and give my kid what he needs to succeed. I’m the provider, and I won’t fail.”
~#34 John, 36, Stoat, Jailer
All contestants clock in between nine and eleven minutes - but one. Flavio’s clearly struggling as he swims in for his twentieth lap, heavily panting and fumbling as he clumsily paddles through. The mink redoubles his motions in a bid to reach the wall, but it’s too late as the clock signals him having missed the cut at 12:42.
“Did I make it?” Flavio gasps, taking a lungful of air as soon as his paws have grasped the wall.
“I’m sorry, Flavio, but you need to get your bags and go… ” Ludwig says. The mink looks dejected as he gets out of the pool, water dripping in all directions as he shakes himself off. “Been nice knowing you all,” he says, turning towards the crowd as he leaves. “All the best for the rest… I really mean it.”
The second group quickly stands up and readies itself for their own trial. Most eyes are on this particular one, with the lifeguard Theo on the lineup, everyone having high expectations of the otter. Unlike anyone else to that point, he uses his webbed paws to lap up some pool water and splash it all over his body, adjusting his speedos in the process. Over the rails, the New Yorker blonde marten leans over the handrail with his forehead after seeing that scene unfold, and realizing everyone around him were also wearing fairly little clothing, leaving very little to the imagination.
*the camera focuses on the marten looking at the floor* “I’ll be explicitly clear. I’m not here because Grindr was out of order, no matter what others would say. I am here to rise to the top, I’m truly focused on this challenge and I want to win - but forty half naked chiseled men ARE forty half naked chiseled men!”
~#05 Chayne, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender
As the horn blares Theo dives in head-first, his body tensing up in a perfect arch as he breaks the surface. He comes up for air at the 10-yard mark, his arms already spinning in a powerful, hydrodynamic stroke. Crispin and Michael Larkins are right on his tail though, the heat quickly turning into a straight up challenge between the three lutrines.
“So Theo does amazing here… what’s next, a fire-extinguishing challenge?” *camera focused on Arron* “A mechanical bull marathon?” *camera focuses on Alec* “A bad dye job-out?” *camera pans to Greasy Z* “Give me a fucking break….”
~#14 Brady, 27, Greater Grison, UPS Driver Helper
Once he realizes the other otters aren’t relenting, Theo eases up and waits for the other two to pull close. They keep the same pace for a few laps, easily dropping the rest of the competition. Then the lifeguard makes his move - taking abrupt pace changes, switching up gears one lap in and one out in the hope his opponents may drop. The crowd cheers as they take notice of what he’s trying to pull off, but Crispin and Michael are still hanging by.
“I’m still mostly in control, but I need them to gas out before the end. Trying to tire them out with sudden pace changes, shortening my stroke as I come out from each turn…” *camera shows Theo starting to pull away, his rivals struggling to close up the gap* “At this point, it’s a matter of pride. You really can’t show off a lifeguard in his element.”
~#04 Theo, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard
“Every time Theo pulls ahead, I step up and answer.” *crowd aaahs as the tattooed otter pulls close to the lifeguard* “People might think I might be better off pacing myself, but this is part of my strategy - keep close to the stronger guy and let him push you to your limits. If I do well in this challenge, I can make enough ground on the people who were scared off by water…”
~#33 Crispin, 29, European Otter, Bouncer
Eventually Theo manages to shake Crispin off, adding the leg kick with four laps to go. He touches the wall in 6:25, the fastest time thus far - Crispin and Michael L. sprinting for second place, the Californian bouncer managing to edge the EMT by a mere second. Immediately, Theo dives under the lane ropes to go shake paws with his fellow otters, complimenting them on their showing. “You did amazing, dude,” he says, whiskers twitching, as he hugs Crispin - the larger lutrine burying his face in the smaller’s neck as he struggles to catch up breath.
“I’m like… I know people are afraid to cut a poor figure, but some are definitely going overboard with these fake-ass displays of sportsmanship. We’re Alphas, we’re all here to win, no need to mince words or pretend it’s otherwise.”
#43 Michael L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete
The third heat kicks off, with other two lutrines - J.J. and Raymond - contending for top spot against the other five contestants. This group looks just as competitive as the previous one, with UPS driver Brady and Mormon student Devin keeping up with the pace set by the otters. The four bounce off the wall within a few seconds from each other, Raymond displaying his water skills as he takes long, overarm strokes.
“Guess it pays off to be the best surfer around Huntington Beach, huh?” *wipes his long, shaggy hair off his face* “There’s a lot of dudes here who got great technique, which is something I definitely wasn’t expecting. But if the previous challenges were a bit of a dud, now I feel in my element and I’m ready to turn up the heat.”
#28 Raymond, 21, European Otter, Clerk
It’s Greasy Z’s turn to struggle, his swimming a lot more amateurish although solid enough to pace himself without overexerting. “Wait for me, ya fuckers!” he yells, clinging to the wall, as he takes a breather at the end of a lap - the entire crowd bursting in a huge laugh.
“It’s safe to say water is Z’s Achilles heel.” *smirks* “For someone running his mouth so much, it took surprisingly little to knock him down a couple notches.”
#43 Michael L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete
Raymond ends up winning the heat in just over seven minutes, J.J., Brady and Devin following suit all under 7:30. The whole group mockingly cheers Z, who’s running in last about four laps behind the leaders, as he completes his labor - but despite the obvious setback, the hog badger still manages to save face with a respectable time of 9:30.
“Big whoop, otters know how to swim.” *the hog badger rolls his eyes* “All y’all are conveniently forgettin’ the ass-kick I handed to ya before, fine. I’ll catch ‘em later on, yanno?”
#19 Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic
The next heat is decidedly more amateurish in their approach, save for Jeremy - the tall, kind wolverine from Upper Michigan - who immediately takes his cue to slip away and build an insurmountable lead. The other six are visibly struggling: Michael Marshall gasses out in a few laps and resolves to swim while keeping his head out of the water, barely kicking his legs as he does his best to keep his Herculean upper section afloat. Stefan, the heavyset badger from Washington, has resorted to a pathetic dog paddle and is forced to rest at the end of each lap. Even William, one of the best athletes in the class, is seemingly facing his nemesis - each length of the pool, back and forth, taking the Honduran weasel almost a full minute.
On the sidelines, waiting for their turn, something takes the attention of one of the otters. “Travis just - look, Travis is not taking air between strokes, that’s why he’s sinking and stopping to breathe...” Akiva quickly whispers in Aksel’s ear. Sure enough, the redneck badger seems to be in a world of pain, barely managing to stay buoyant as he hopelessly flails his arms and legs.
Aksel’s ears tense. “Holy crap, that’s a waste...”
“I’ve seen some bad swimming today, but the guy really seems to be struggling.” *the camera pans on Travis completing a lap, shaking his head then diving in again* “I hope I don’t need to jump in and rescue him!”
#04 Theo, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard
“Come on, guys! Jeremy has lapped every other wannabe Alpha in this heat!” Ludwig urges on, walking back and forth along the edge of the pool. It’s becoming evident that this is turning into a one-fur heat, with the wolverine running well ahead of the other six. As soon as he touches the wall, the closest pursuer - pharmacy technician James Sheehy - is three laps behind, while Travis is about to get to the midway point. It’s clear to everyone that the badger is keeping himself afloat on willpower alone.
“My thighs feel like they’re cramping up, I can barely feel my legs as I go… but then I take a peek to the lane next to mine and I feel a whole lot better about my swimming. I’m no Olympic champion, but Travis…” *facepalms* “Sheesh…”
#24 Michael M., 35, Wolverine, Blacksmith
Other than Jeremy and James Sheehy, competitors are still swimming at the nine-minute mark. Michael Marshall takes fifth place in 10:20, Stefan is sixth in 11:53, while Travis ends up missing on the cut by more than two minutes.
“I’m sorry Travis, but your journey has ended...” Ludwig comments.
*sighs* “Well, geez...I reckon I didn’t turn into an otter overnight.” *a few other contestants pat the badger’s back as he walks along the grandstand, looking dejected* “Guess it’s back to driving my Peterbilt across Alabama… Shame on me for thinking this could be the beginning of somethin’ nice.”
~#39 Travis, 29, American Badger, Truck Driver
As the fifth heat takes position onto the blocks, all eyes are on another member of the young otters’ pack - a burly, blue-collar Michigander named Toby. However, after the first lap, Arron takes command of the operations and starts building a solid lead - the honey badger displaying amazing stamina and a solid, efficient stroke, a true testament to his extensive training as a rescue swimmer. Most lutrines are impressed by the firefighter’s strength, some starting to feel threatened by the competition.
“He’s aced all challenges so far. Running, swimming, push-ups, sit-ups… he’s definitely setting up as a big threat for a spot in the top 12. People are already starting to talk him up as the guy to beat, and while he knows he’s already painting a big old target across his back, I see he’s got the determination to back up his status.”
#33 Crispin, 29, European Otter, Bouncer
“Being in the spotlight isn’t an issue, y’know. I don’t need to play to everyone’s feelings and nobody is gonna vote me off. If the Lord wills, I’ll just keep being the best I can be - it’s up to the rest to step up to the challenge.”
#41 Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter
“Look who’s going down…” Lloyd elbows John, pointing to Duke - the hooded skunk padding slowly, but deliberately, well past the leaders in his heat. As Arron laps him, Duke refuses to acknowledge the honey badger, purposefully breathing on the left side and staying focused on his own effort.
Having already noticed the struggle of his rival, the jailer smiles. “About darn time…” he mouths, careful not to be heard by the nearest. “If we played our cards right, he can’t beat us. Not in a million years...”
Arron is the first to touch the wall, taking first place in 7:12, while Toby follows in second place with 7:54. Duke finishes in last place, nearly three minutes and a half after the firefighter - the skunk shaking his head as he climbs off the pool, oblivious to John’s gaze as he blows the wet bangs off his pointed snout.
“I know how to swim, but I’m not a swimmer. I’ve always given all of my focus to weightlifting, and bodybuilding. This is not my forte, but I’ve done well enough this far that it shouldn’t be an issue.”
~#38 Duke, 29, Hooded Skunk, Club Promoter
It’s finally time for the sixth and final heat. “Eddie, Diego, Noah, Azu, Akiva, Scott and Julian,” Ludwig calls, the last seven competitors stepping on the blocks and getting ready to jump in the pool. The camera focuses on the brown-coated Navy veteran, looking tough and imposing in his dark speedo - massive thighs almost threatening to burst the seam - then on Noah, the farmer weasel from Tennessee, betraying a certain degree of anxiety as he pulls up his baggy trunks.
“Someone fancies a chance against me?” Eddie cockily smirks at his competition. “Diego? ‘Kiva? Tennessee?”
“We know we’re all lambs to the slaughter,” Noah scoffs. “No need to be harpin’ on it…”
The otter shrugs his enormous shoulders. “Was just trying to be friendly,” he says, before taking a proper starting stance - his front leg fully extended, webbed feet grabbing the edge of his block, as the other one is bent all the way back and ready to explode forward. Most of the other contestants either simply stand or bend forward, both paws grasping the block as they wait for Ludwig to give the sign.
“Last heat, y’all ready? Three… two… one…”
As the horn blares, the seven mustelids dive in. Eddie launches himself off the wall, gliding gracefully through the water and putting half a length between himself and his competitors before even coming out to breathe. He finally surfaces, arms powering through with every stroke, taking little time to reach the opposite wall only to front-flip and push himself off with a strong kick of his legs. Most contestants look decidedly impressed as the lutrine completes the second lap, taking another perfect turn before zipping in the opposite direction.
“Thirty-three seconds,” Ludwig checks his stopwatch, then turns to the grandstand. “Theo, you got the best time so far. Think Eddie can beat ya?”
The lifeguard arches a brow. “If he keeps up this pace for 20 laps, I’ll eat my hat,” he shrugs.
“So you don’t think he’s competition?” the host presses on.
“No, I know he’s a strong swimmer. Just… I got a hunch he ain’t pacing himself.” Other contestants with swimming experience chime in.
“He’s exploiting his brute strength until he can,” J.J., the otter triathlete, says. “If he got stamina, it might serve him well… but he’s just as likely to gas out in a few laps.”
“We’re not playing to win our heat, but to score the fastest time. I’m taking this as I woulda done in a proper 400 free - going in full throttle, slowing down a little midway, then emptying the tank for the last four.”
#30 Eddie, 32, Giant Otter, Demolition Foreman
“Modesty aside, I’ve always thought of myself as an amazing swimmer - but keeping up with Eddie’s pace is like fighting a losing battle.” *as he takes a breath to his right, Akiva checks on his rival’s progress, noticing he’s swimming almost a full lap ahead of him* “This is a competition with myself first and foremost, and I’m set on exceeding my own expectations.”
#32 Akiva, 22, Marine Otter, Business College Student
The camera shows Eddie effortlessly lapping Noah, who’s pushing his entire torso out of the water with each stroke - effectively wasting a lot of energy as laps keep piling in. The entire crowd is cheering on the weasel, some even giving pointers to the inexperienced swimmer in order to save him from missing the cut. “Long, heavy strokes! Don’t waste your energy!” Theo yells, motioning the correct gesture as if he was coaching.
Sure enough, as the heat progresses, Eddie starts losing some of his momentum. He’s still in full control of his stroke, but he ain’t gaining from his competitor as in the first section. “See Akiva is not losing from him anymore,” J.J. motions to Raymond, the Californian nodding along. “Theo’s got this in the bag, dude…”
The veteran touches the wall in 6:34, still pumping his fist in elation as he realizes Akiva has just begun his final two laps. The younger lutrine takes second place in 7:15, followed by Azu and Diego touching the wall in just under ten minutes.
“What can I say, it’s been a decade and a half since I last competed in swimming, and I put on about fifty pounds of muscle ever since… *laughs* I held up well for 12 or 14 laps, but my final kick was nowhere as powerful as I’d have wanted.”
#30 Eddie, 32, Giant Otter, Demolition Foreman
“When the casual swimmer meets the champion lifeguard, the casual swimmer is a dead otter…” *mockingly blows smoke out of a fake gun*
#04 Theo, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard
One by one the remaining contestants complete the challenge - all but Noah, the young weasel farmer from Tennessee. The poor kid spits out some water as he holds onto the lane, his chest heaving. “Don’t give up, Noah!” Ludwig yells, most of the crowd joining in and cheering him on.
“Ah be all over the place, really.” *sighs* “Am tryin’ all ah could, like, ah got mah heart busting out of mah chest an’ all these guys look fresh as a daisy.” *the weasel is shown briefly stopping at the wall, getting in a big gulp of air before kicking off for another lap* “Sure, ah gone skinny dippin’ at the swimmin’ hole with a gal before, but this ain’t exactly the kinda stuff we do there, if ya catch mah drift…”
~Noah, 19, Long-Tailed Weasel, Farmer
“I can’t help but feel for Noah, ‘cause he’s the youngest of the lot and he deserves to finish off the challenge. I really wish I could will him through the line, but he’s on his own out there - and that’s the kinda obstacle an Alpha needs to face sooner or later.”
~Malcolm, 27, Fisher, FedEx Store Manager
The entire grandstand is on their feet, cheering Noah in as he closes in on his twentieth and final lap. Ludwig looks at his stopwatch, a small frown lining his features. “I’m sorry, Noah…” he begins, the whole crowd letting out a huge displeased sigh. “You took 13 minutes, 18 seconds to complete the task.”
“Ah did my best…” the weasel mutters, panting hard.
“I know you did, Noah. It’s been great having you among this lot,” Ludwig says, trying to console him. “Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough to make the cut. I’m really sorry, but you need to go pack up.”
The weasel gets out of the pool, immediately wrapping himself in the towel Theo’s quick to provide. A few contestants join in for one last hug, most of them sad to see the young farmer leaving the show.
“Tennessee may be young and inexperienced, but he certainly didn’t disgrace himself. It’s nice to know America’s heartland is in good paws.”
~#25 James Sg., 40, Spotted-necked Otter, Deli Clerk
“We all sorta bonded with the dude, since he came off a bit of a fish outta water - his first time out of his state and all…” *Aksel hugs a wet Noah, whispering something into his ear* “I know these are the rules, but it sucks to see him go.”
~#22 Aksel, 31, Beech Marten, Political Science Teacher
*sighs* “It’s been one darn great experience, y’all. Sure these guys are well above mah league, but ah proved that you can grow up in a farm an’ still git as strong as these city dwellers.” *wipes off a tear* “Ah hope, well… ah hope ah made the community proud, an’ succeeded in inspirin’ young farmers all across the nation.”
~#35 Noah, 19, Long-Tailed Weasel, Farmer
As soon as the weasel is out of the picture, Ludwig turns to the exhausted bunch, some still drying over the last ordeal they just went through. “So, you forty have completed the Navy SEAL fitness test. You should feel very proud of yourselves - you just took in a challenge that’s meant to divide the real men from the boys, and you passed it with flying colors,” Ludwig says, a glint of admiration in his eyes. “You can go catch a break now, eat something, and later on… we will reveal who is still in the race, and which 16 of you will go home.”
The forty mustelids let out one last collective cheer, camera zooming out as they gradually unwind - some throwing themselves into the pool to cool down as others file out in small groups.
500yd SWIM
1. #04 Theo, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard - 6:25
2. #30 Eddie, 32, Giant Otter, Demolition Foreman - 6:34
3. #33 Crispin, 29, European Otter, Bouncer - 6:45
4. #43 Michael L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete - 6:46
5. #28 Raymond, 21, European Otter, Clerk - 7:02
6. #26 Jeremy, 33, Wolverine, Front Desk Hotel Agent - 7:10
7. #41 Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter - 7:12
8. #32 Akiva, 22, Marine Otter, Business College Student - 7:15
9. #14 Brady, 27, Greater Grison, UPS Driver Helper - 7:23
10. #15 J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager - 7:24
11. #06 Devin, 20, Steppe Polecat, Physics Student - 7:30
12. #09 Casey, 45, Northern American River Otter, U.S. Army Sergeant - 7:49
***
6:00 PM
We’re back inside the hangar. The forty remaining mustelids slowly file back into the room, taking place in front of a billboard-like wall as they await further orders. Their expressions betray confidence, but also nervousness, as they prepare to receive the verdict they’ve been waiting for.
Suddenly, the wall turns on, revealing itself as a gigantic flat screen showing Ludwig’s face. “First of all, thanks again to all of you for stepping up and agreeing to take part in this amazing experiment,” the host says. “We were looking for a badass, competitive, take-no-prisoners bunch… and I dare to say we got exactly what we were looking for.”
“In a few moments, we’ll discover the names of the 24 mustelids that have earned the right to move on to the next round. Are you ready?” The group gives a collective nod. Some contestants are visibly shaking, while others do their best to appear confident.
The video cuts off, abruptly enough to be mistaken for a technical glitch. A few seconds later, a long list of names appears on the screen, striking bold white letters against the dark background.
A grey-haired otter is the first one to successfully find this name, immediately fistpumping the air.
“You can really make shit happen no matter who, what or how you are. I’ve outlasted this stage and there’s no stopping for me now!”
~#09 Casey, 45, Northern American River Otter, U.S. Army Sergeant
The mustelids gradually either explode in a collective cheer or end up dejected as they realize their name isn’t on the list. The young otters’ clique is openly celebrating, as five out of six have managed to make the cut - all but Toby, the young derrick operator from Michigan.
“Rudder nation can’t be stopped!” J.J. cheers, immediately going to hug Akiva - the young college student looking positively stunned to find his name on the list. “You got this, bro - I’ve been telling you all along!”
Theo, Raymond and Azu join in the lutrine cheer, the group bringing rudders together once more and breaking out in a group howl as they shake down. Toby is standing on the side, clearly disappointed with himself, but genuinely happy for his friends.
“What do I gotta tell you? I woulda wanted to go on with my buddies, that’s for sure...but I’m okay I got this chance to prove myself. I know I gotta work on a few details…” *sighs* “Sorry, I guess I’m just disappointed right now… but I’m here, I’m happy enough to go back to Lansing, to my family and friends, and to everyone staying… I wish ‘em all the best.”
~#18 Toby, 26, North American River Otter, Derrick Operator
“Don’t get it twisted - it is clear they all made the cut because of the swimming trial. Not saying it’s unfair, but it clearly gave them the edge and worked against people like me who haven’t spent half of our life in a swimming pool.”
~#13 Malcolm, 27, Fisher, FedEx Store Manager
“The otter pals strike me as sort of hypocritical, to be honest. They’re pretending they’re gonna be friends until the end, but we’re here to prove who’s the Alpha, not to have a personality contest.” *camera pans on Raymond and Theo dancing in celebration* “I get a hunch some of those guys are gonna get bitten before this is over. And bet? I’ll end them myself if I have to.”
~#41 Arron, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter
A young polecat brings his hands to his face, covering his shrill exclamation of joy, as William and Diego instantly cheer together, pumping and congratulating each other. The colored-mohawk hog badger has, unsurprisingly, the loudest and the most profanity-ladden celebration.
“Propose to somethin’ and you gonna get it. I know I’m here because I can show these people I’m the boss! I know this is my calling now.”
*Zakee hassles Andrew, loudly howling* “FUCKING HANG UP CUZ IT’S MY CALLING!” *loudly laughs* “Texas is fuckin’ gonna take it, and Texas is me!”
*Andrew hits the badger’s side playfully*
~#10 Andrew, 22, European Polecat, Roadie
~#19 Greasy Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic
“This is an important win for the communities we both represent. We’re here to prove that you can find your place and you can dominate!”
“This country has given us all the tools to succeed and we are here testifying, we kick ass! ¡VAMOS A DARLE CON TODO!”
~#20 William, 34, Least Weasel, Personal Trainer
~#36 Diego, 32, Stoat, Warehouse Worker
“I’m not in? I’m not...” Duke looks at the list of names, dejection showing in his face once the reality struck. The blonde marten stops his cheering to give a hug to his friend, the skunk heading for a whisper. “Win this for the gays back at home...”
“I gave it my all and it wasn’t enough. But I can only be proud of the job I managed to do. This isn’t the last you’ll see of me. I’ll be back, promise...”
~#38 Duke, 29, Hooded Skunk, Club Promoter
“It sucks being the first left out. I thought it had it in the bag, I went through a literal hell of a day… and gettin’ nothing in the end… I’m just done...”
~#37 Alec, 30, Ferret, Bull Rider
The large Alaskan wolverine pats his fellow speciesfur Michael Marshall on the back. “Up to you to get it for the ‘rines, Montana...” On the other side of the room, Omar jumps next to Kenneth, Eddie and Crispin bump fists, and all the qualifiers join in the ruckus, filling the room with cheers and screams.
Most of them are already out of the room as the camera indulges on a single mustelid, staring at the 24 names on the screen as he gives his back to the operator.
“And just like this, it is over. I knew I was a goner at some point, me being just a dumb football jock from Louisiana and getting to compete against these freakin’ supermen… but I’ll tell you one thing. The people who stay - they really hold the best in our family. I’m proud of ‘em for getting to show it off to the nation, and I know each and every one of them will give all of their blood, sweat and musk to conquer this.” *briefly looks around, then grins* “Been a blast, y’all. Dalton out!”
~#29 Dalton, 22, Zorilla, College Football Player
QUALIFIED TO 2nd CUT:
AKIVA, 22, Marine Otter, Business College Student
AKSEL, 31, Beech Marten, Natural Science Teacher
ANDREW, 22, European Polecat, Roadie
ARRON, 28, Honey Badger, Firefighter
AZU, 27, African Clawless Otter, Tree Climber
CASEY, 45, Northern American River Otter, U.S. Army Sergeant
CHAYNE, 28, Beech Marten, Bartender
CRISPIN, 29, European Otter, Bouncer
DIEGO, 32, Stoat, Warehouse Worker
EDDIE, 32, Giant Otter, Demolition Foreman
GREASY Z, 29, Hog Badger, Automobile Mechanic
J.J., 25, Sea Otter, Construction Project Manager
JAMES SH., 23, American Badger, Pharmacy Technician
JEREMY, 33, Wolverine, Front Desk Hotel Agent
JOHN, 36, Stoat, Jailer
KENNETH, 24, American Badger, Roofer/CrossFit Instructor
LLOYD, 33. American Marten, Police Officer
MICHAEL L., 25, North American River Otter, EMT/Triathlete
MICHAEL M., 35, Wolverine, Blacksmith
OMAR, 26, Marbled Polecat, Arabic Interpreter
RAYMOND, 21, European Otter, Clerk
SEBASTIAN, 28, Tayra, Database Architect
THEO, 22, Sea Otter, Lifeguard
WILLIAM, 34, Least Weasel, Personal Trainer[/i]
ELIMINATED:
25. Alec, 30, Ferret, Bull Rider
26. Toby, 26, North American River Otter, Derrick Operator
27. Malcolm, 28, Tayra, Database Architect
28. Brady, 27, Greater Grison, UPS Driver Helper
29. Dalton, 22, Zorilla, College Football Player
30. Declan, 34, Ferret, Intelligence Research Specialist
31. Devin, 20, Steppe Polecat, Physics Student
32. Tyler G., 38, Wolverine, Dockworker
33. Tyler O., 25. American Mink, Wrestler
34. Duke, 29, Hooded Skunk, Club Promoter
35. James Sg., 40, North American River Otter, Deli Clerk
36. Kevin, 24, Skunk, Sewage Cleaner
37. Christopher, 24, Sable, Salesman
38. Stefan, 25, American Badger, Meat Cutter
39. Scott, 30, Ferret-badger, Engineering Technician
40. Julian, 42, Honey Badger, Real Estate Agent
Noah, 19, Long-tailed Weasel, Farmer
Flavio, 30, American Mink, High School Baseball Coach
Travis, 29, American Badger, Truck Driver
Ali, 23, Least Weasel, Maintenance Mechanic
Allen, 35, Yellow-throated Marten, Gas Plant Operator
